Not feminine

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I'm fairly feminine in my appearance--long hair, jewelry, obviously female clothes, a bit of makeup. But personality, not so much. Not like I guzzle beer and make crude jokes all the time, but I'm very determined and decisive, I go after what I want, I stand up for what I believe in and don't let people push me around, I tend to be blunt, I say what I think, I don't hide my intelligence, I step up to take leadership positions when someone is needed and I'm qualified, I tend to be sort of stoic and emotionally reserved, and I'm very independent. I often feel that these qualities would be admirable if I were a guy, but that my personality interferes with my ability to make friends, particularly with girls, and to have a relationship because I'm not what people often expect from a female Has anyone else had a similar experience? Do you think it's worth it to try to act more "feminine"? The thing is that these qualities make me successful at work and in an academic setting, and often earn me the respect of supervisors, allow me to take on more responsibility and have more opportunities, etc.

cath,

i wouldn't change. the friends you make wouldn't be your friends. they'd be friends of the person you were pretending to be.

i never made many friends at once and i've lost some due to AS, but over my 56 years, i've made and kept enough that i have folks to rely on. if you're a good listener, practice tact, and keep your word, you will make some friends worth keeping. hang in there.

I have to agree with cathylynn here, who would you be if you aren't being yourself? Why would you want to be someone you aren't anyhow? Stick with the way you are now, you know that works and it's no facade.

Maybe I'm weak, maybe I'm just tired of being alone, but I would rather be loved for someone I'm not than not be loved at all.

If you have a vagina you are female. If you are determined, then, since you are female, this is a feminine characteristic, period.
for your self-esteem/ not feeling wrong:
Don't watch too much sitcoms, or keep in mind that it is fiction and is meant to be the lowest common denominator of funny.
Also, most magazines are the devil ("Ten tips to get you guy to talk feelings" How about ten tips to make him stop doing so for me)

for finding friends:
I know it sounds like a clichee, but you will find people, maybe completely different from you, who will like you because of you.
In the meantime, it is not an all-or-nothing-thing:
Try to consciously differentiate between academic or work setting (go all-out with your competent persona) and social setting (more sociable, more talkative, etc.) Maybe the friends you make don't know or like the real you, but they like an approximation of you and you have someone to talk to and do stuff with

Also, you sound like a great person! I like it better, when people actually make decisions, since f.e. you don't have to stand around for half an hour in the cold, while you decide, what bar to go to (happened to me last week).

One thing I have found - feminine is what you feel and what you show to the world.
All the traits you just listed can be done in a very feminine way and come from a very feminine place, if you are so inclined.
But what I feel you are saying in this post is that you don't feel feminine when doing those things - that perhaps you feel masculine, or you think the rest of the world sees you as more masculine when you are doing those things the way you are now. And doing it that way will not take away from who you are as a person or make you any "less" or "more" than if you choose not to do them that way.

Women like ourselves tend to find and each up around other similarly strong, but fair women.
For me personally, it has mean that most of my women friends are older than me.
I have one group who are in the 28-34 range. And another group who are in the 45-55 range.
But I am 23. And I've been around these women for a long time, even when I was 19 and younger.

I am feminine, and I definitely feel feminine. But others see my traits, like many of those you have just listed (except I avoid leadership positions unless others vote me in for them) - and they see the traits as a contrast to the feminity. I found that when I was younger, I felt more masculine (actually I simply self identified with it, didn't feel it) and used those traits in a very masculine way - which often brought out reactions like you have described.

Now I still have those same traits, but I feel more feminine and I use those same traits in a very feminine way - I actually can and do succeed well in business - perhaps more so now - because others constantly underestimate me even more than usual. In a way - sometimes have traits traditionally seen as "masculine" (a load of crap - but hey lol) but doing them from a feminine place and in a feminine way actually allows us to succeed overall more. Not just in business or academics, but in our relationships and friendships too.

The question you have to ask yourself is what do you feel? Because if you use these traits in a masculine way simply because you were taught growing up that they were "masculine" and therefore self identified with it rather than feeling it - well that can often put a difficult spin on things. It often leaves us feeling tired, no energy and "hollow" after the high wears off. Feeling one or the other is not right or wront - but if you have self identified with one because of societies gender constructs - as opposed to that is simply how you feel - then in the end it is more damaging to you.

I feel unfeminine not because of how I act, but because I have small breasts and don't want children.

I agree whole-heartedly that you shouldn't try to act more feminine. Rather, try to find friends who appreciate you for who you are. I don't have many friends and my inability to relate to the average female has a lot to do with that, but recently I have been meeting some more like-minded people, so I think it's about looking in the right places.

I find it interesting that you feel these qualities make it difficult to have a relationship (and I'm going to assume here that you mean with a male). From what you have written it sounds like you have the perfect cocktail: the feminine looks to initially attract a man, and the "low maintenance" qualities that men tend to admire. I have some of the qualities you have mentioned, and my ex has said that that's great because I'm anatomically female, which is what he is attracted to, but don't have the "annoying" qualities that a stereotypical female might have, like being overly emotional, needy, dependent. Other men have told me that what they like about me is that I'm not like most women. So it seems to be a positive, though I'm not as confident or willing to "take the lead" as you, so, maybe you intimidate men a bit? Not sure, just a thought.

That depends on what you consider to be feminine. I have many of those traits as well, as do many women. Being assertive is not exclusively a male characteristic.

Yes it depends on what you think is feminine. I have been socially conditioned against being assertive and struggle with it every day. I know how to play my role to get what I need but it's hard to be a leader with this way of interacting, and it's very frustrating because I''m often more intelligent than those who take the lead naturally.

You sound like a great person. I have a couple of friends like you and I try to be more like them.

And yes, magazines are designed to sell beauty products etc., and to make you feel worthless if you don't buy them. Don't look at these or other sources like that for femininity advice.

Don't be afraid to lead from the front.

I've never been one that people would call feminine.
I work in a male dominated job. I saw one of the guys from work at a service station one day. When I next saw him at work he remarked rather loudly that he saw me and I was wearing a dress!
I was told, when younger, that I act as if I wish I had a penis. I told them that I had no idea why they would say that, apparently I behave like a man.

I behave like me, I won't apologise for that. I don't want a penis, the thought gives me shivers. I ride a motorbike, crochet, make quilts, use computers, used to play Magic, can drive a truck, love making preserves, can work on cars, gave birth to and raised children.
For too long men have defined what a woman is. We women define what we are every day by our actions, our words, who we love and the compassion we show.

Tell them to go to hell.

Wow, sounds like our personalities are really similar. I also dress in a feminine way but have more masculine personality attributes. Yes, it is more difficult to make friends, but I know plenty of people who respect me for me ambition and bluntness.
I would say, don't try to change who you are. It is what makes you unique and acting like you're somebody you're not often makes you feel frustrated and confused. Your character traits are beneficial to your work, and earn you respect from people - those are things to be proud of!