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Our son Cam was diagnosed a year ago November. It was the school district psyche who mentioned the term AS during our 504/IEP meeting. Once we got home to our laptops, we googled the term.
We were shocked, delighted, and overwhelmed all at once.
At least we had a name for the issues Cam deals with daily, and this has helped us quite a bit. We went to Amazon, and got several books, including Mr Atwood's, and devoured them as fast as we could.

We thought we were making some good progress, but we recently moved to Washington state for the slower lifestyle that our counselors thought would be a benefit to Cam. It has been a bit of a double edged sword.

We are all thrilled with our new hometown, including Cam, and the school is much more willing to help, as the class sizes are quite a bit smaller. His claases have about 23 kids, instead of the 35-40 he had to deal with in So Cal.

Cam is reasonably good about changes to the schedule, and class activities.

The big problem that we are facing is that once he leaves school, he feels that he shouldn't have to do homework, reading, or anything school related. Before the Xmas break, the school counselor offered to let Cam come in after school, possibly a day or two each week, so he could get some one on on one attention from the teachers, depending on what class or assignment is giving him trouble, or he simply needs further instruction for. We thought it was a great idea, but Cam went ballistic, had a meltdown, and we haven't touched on the subject since.

Cam is a thirteen year old boy, very active with outdoor stuff. He loves his skateboard, the trampoline and the cats and dogs. He also enjoys bowling, Yu Gi Oh cards and cartoons, and his new friends at school.

The part that just about kills us and his sister, is the mood swings, he can go from being your best friend to your sworn enemy in two minutes flat. The things he says are hurtful to us as a family, and are the main reason for the family's depressed and subdued nature. It is almost like a black cloud is always hanging over us, ready to unleash a downpor at any moment.

My wife and I work from home, as we are webmasters. We are almost always together, and lately we have needed each other's shoulder a lot more than usual. Since the Xmas break, we have been in a dark place, the only light is the fact that Cam goes back to school on Tuesday, but we will be facing the usual school issues again.

We feel that our daughter is the one coming out on the short end of the stick. She gets a lot less time with us than Cam. She understands his issues, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that she gets a lot less of our time. I am especially close to her as she has developed a great sense of humor, like me, so we constantly have a running joke going between us, and I know that helps. But it still not enough at times.

We have contacted a lot of resources that we found online, but most people are out during the holidays, so we are desperately trying to hang on until we can hear back from them.

Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated, and we realize there is no "magic pill" to make this all better, hence the need for Wrong Planet...

Thanks in advance for the time and the help...CurtisD

I am reading your post with interest. It sounds like your son Cam was diagnosed fairly late in the game. I am interested because I grew up in California, and know all about the huge class sizes. Also, my family just about moved from Pittsburgh, PA to Seattle this year (hubby ended up getting a different job so that we are staying in PA). We too thought that Seattle or Washington state in general might be a better move because of the slower pace, nice people, less stress kind of mindset there. We even went out there to interview staff at schools in the Northshore school district (north of Seattle) and in the Olympia area (an hour and a half south of Seattle).

I can't offer much help with the mood swings, as my two sons who have AS have not dealt much with mood swings. I do know that at around age 14 or so, many kids with AS have to deal with depression because they feel like they don't fit in well with other kids. The move to Washington may have been a big help in that situation, because the people I met there were very accepting of other's differences. But your son "may" be battling a bit of depression of his own. He sounds like a great kid, in that his interests are very age appropriate and don't all have to do with video games, computer games, and the like.

My oldest son went through a bit of depression at age 14. We kept a close eye on him, but never did get him to a psychiatrist or use any drugs to help him. He seemed to come out of his funk by age 15, and although he had typical kid problems from time to time, he did mature and is quite happy currently. We are witnessing a lot of NT young men at our church who are battling depression -- right at age 14 -- and so it seems to be a common problem with boys of this age. Especially bright boys who are not atheltic. Until they find a core group of friends who are also bright, non-athletic and sarcastic, these boys do seem to have a hard time finding their niche.

What specifically do you need advice about? I've received much help from other members of this forum, so if you could be very specific in your questions, I think the rest of us could possibly offer better help.

Kris

our son wasn't dx'd until age 13 either...is your son on any meds ? sometimes, anti-anxiety meds can help with the outbursts which seem to come out of nowhere ( for our son, it's usually just built up anxiety). i'm not saying that meds will eliminate the anxiety, but at least for our son the meds have reduced the amount of anxious outbursts he has. some of his behavior sounds, unfortunately just like an average teen boy~defiant , and opinionated. i'm sure you're doing a fine job~try to get some time away from your kids. time apart can be so refreshing !

Thanks for the encouraging words, from both of you.

Cam is on meds. As of today he is taking prozac for depression, geodone which is an anti psycotic, and clonazapam is for anxiety in general. The geodone replaced zyprexa and trasidone, as those were causing Cam to "hear voices".

And those voices were telling him to hurt others who did things he didn't like, and also told him to kill himself.

We had two attempted suicides, which resulted in stays at the behaviorial medicine wing at Loma Linda University Medical Center.

The main thing we are struggling with is how to keep the faith??

We know Cam may never get any better, a lot of the time his behavior is on par whith a six or seven year old. He struggles to keep up with conversations, has great difficulty remembering the meaning of words, and really struggles with jokes and his sense of humor.

We are bombarded with inappropriate behavior, comments and actions. We understand why he is this way. It is the AS. And it is not anyone's fault that this happened, he has AS.

We have learned to deal with the jaw dropping stares, and the looks from others who do not understand. We do have a small group of friends and family who have stood by us, and we relay everything we know to them, and it allows for Cam to have a village, granted a small village, to help.

My wife's family has deserted us, claiming Cam's problems are a result of our bad parenting skills. We still get birthday and Xmas cards to the kids from them, but the kids are not interested in replying.

My family pretty much just nods and smiles, and they have nothing to offer. They live in the Phoenix area, and since we are now in WA, they are 1300 miles away, and completely out of the loop. When they do call, they talk to me only, not my wife and not the kids.

And they always ask when we will come to see them, but they will not even consider coming to see us.

Cam has made some progress as of late. He has discovered computers, and was amazed to find out that he could talk with someone in London from his computer. But he is just getting into computers. We will have to see what he does with it.

He is also discovering drawing and art, due to a class he has. He seems interested, but again, we will have to see how far he goes with it.

My wife and I know that we are not the only ones having difficulty with this. We feel completely isolated from the rest of the world. We have learned to depend on each other, as there is almost no one to stand with us, offer support, ideas to try, suggestions for improper behavior and such.

We also understand that besides the AS, Cam has to deal with the same growing pains that other kids do, puberty, adolescence, and just fitting in, and finding his place in this world.

I guess the frustration, the feeling of not being able to help our son, of being an inadequate parent, has just gotten the best of us this past month or so.

We are trying to schedule time away for ourselves, but it is difficult. I think there is a feeling of shame when we take time for ourselves, because then we think that if we were at home we could be helping Cam with his issues, or our daughter with her teen issues or problems.

Or just hanging out with the kids so they never doubt how important they are to us, and how much we love both of them, even though they are as different as night and day.

CurtisD

CurtisD, your son could be "compartmentalising" ie. he must think school time is school time and home time is home time. I was a bit like that as a teenager and rather grudgingly did homework. It would be better not to push him to do much homework as it is just not worth the aggravation to everybody concerned.

Coping with school is just as exhausting as most jobs, if not more so, and it is understandable that kids just want to rest and chill out once they get home. Having to think about more school after school is a pain in the proverbial.

Unfortunately, raging hormones cause mood swings in even the nicest of teenagers and at 13, your son is probably getting right into adolescence. Add the difficulties associated with Aspergers and it is a volatile mix.

your lives seem so similiar to ours...no grandparents in the picture...only relatives we have that understand live 4 hours away~i'd like to visit more, but the long trip is very trying. i struggle with guilt and feelings of inadequacy often, unfortunately. most people just don't know what on earth you're dealing with, nor how you could possibly deal with it on a daily basis.
our son was just hospitalized for the 4th time on Christmas Eve. we were supposed to go and visit my sister-in-law ( who doesn't get it) on Christmas...son and i didn't get home until too late, which left hubby having to explain to his sis why we weren't there.
as far as time away~have you checked into respite in your area yet ? it doesn't have to "feel" like a babysitter to your son~you could tell him it's someone to mentor him ( which if you get a decent provider, it very well could be). i still feel guilty about leaving my other son home with my aspie son~ i know that my NT has to deal with so much more than i ever did at his age. as parents, we have taken steps to make certain that the NT son has time away from his brother as well. among other things, hubby goes out for a ride with the dog and always offers the NT son to come ( hubby used to offer both boys, but aspie son doesn't like to go~gets car sick). sometimes NT son goes with him, sometimes he doesn't~the point is, it's some time away from the house where NT son gets to be the most important kid in the room ( this is not to say that NT son is not important at other times~just that aspie son takes precedence most of the time due to outbursts etc)
usually, hubby and i taken turns getting out of the house....even 30 minutes away from the stress can feel like heaven ! i used to feel guilty about leaving hubby alone to deal with everyone, but have come to find that i really need time away so that i can be a better, calmer parent. keep hanging in there. everything is one day at a time around here.

CurtisD you are SO not alone... Every post here has something in it that my husband and I can relate to: Aspie son with a Jekyle (sp???) and Hyde personality, an NT sibling lost in the shadows, guilt for every single time each of us could have handled a situation better with either of our kids, a clueless grandparent who thinks this would all go away with better discipline, dependence on a school system that we pray won't drop the ball, guilt when we try to take time for ourselves, the wish that we had infinite patience, understanding, knowledge and answers every minute of every day so that neither of our kids ever have to struggle... I can't offer any solid coping strategy, but I can say that it sounds to me like you (and so many others here) are loving, empathetic, present parents - that counts for a lot. We're all taking this day by day, and cliche that it might be, you revel in the good ones and try to learn something from the bad ones, even if it's something you didn't want to know about yourself. One thing I do is keep a journal for each of my kids that I intend to give them at some point when they're older. I'm hoping it'll help them look back and understand how important they are to me even during those times when it seemed like life was getting derailed by "issues." I can sit down and write with clarity about the potential I see in each of them.

Curtis, I'm sorry you're going through this--it's a dark time to be sure. There are hosts of parents in your same shoes but I didn't discover that until I started connecting with them online on a regular basis. That has made the difference between me feeling like I was going at this alone and having a knowledgable, empathetic support group.

The one thing that has made the most difference in our lives was discovering the book "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It helped us put strategies into place that have helped tremendously ont he homefront and in dealing with certain situations at school. If you haven't looked into that, I'd highly recommend it.

Homework was a major battle point here when my son was younger. (Homework in first grade...geez ) and at that point I had homework flexibility written into his IEP. It gave me the flexibility I needed to roll with his varying moods so sometimes it would cut down repetitions, take answers orally, type will he would dictate, or not do it all. This helped a great deal in our situation as did swinging the homework over until morning (our routine is that he wakes up early, goes right to the homework I've laid out for him, and then plays computer or video games). My son is shot at the end of the day--sitting down and stressing over more of the same is the last thing he needs. I do know of parents of older kids who via the IEP had homework totally written out and it made a huge difference in their lives.

It's tough on the rest of the family when one child gets the lion's share of attention due to behavioral issues. My son is doing well now but we went through a year when he was very unstable due to acute anxiety and it was all we could do to stay afloat since most of our resources were diverted to him. The things that I found were critical with my other children were 1) to acknowledge their feelings--they were hurting and needed to be affirmed in that, 2) making a daily effort to spend time alone with each one, usually at bedtime, and 3) take them out alone on a weekly basis--ie a trip to the bookstore cafe can do wonders to connect. I grew up with a sibling who had special needs and that's helped me as a parent both to recognize how difficult it can be but also how positive it can be in the end. Provided siblings aren't living in fear, having a child who is different can open up doors of understanding that they would never get to look through otherwise.

I don't have much to add - just another "you're not alone" - had an hell-like xmas with my son and with mixed emotions looked forward to him going back to school. It is SO hard sometimes, but remember things always do get better.
My son hates holidays, he thrives on routine, so going back to school is good all round.
Is there any way you can have a day or two without your son at home? It is SO important to recharge your batteries, it becomes a lot easier to cope with the "nightmare" situations! It is also a much deserved break for the other kids.