Improving an Asp/NT relationship!

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What "negative" asperger traits affect your relationship the greatest and how do you manage these with success?

I hope this thread will provide valuable insights into managing the "negative" asperger traits in the hope of improving our relationships with NT partners!

Looking forward to seeing some great responses!

By "negative" I'm not criticising aspergers simply addressing the traits which are deemed disruptive or difficult for relationships where one partner is NT.

the most common denominator for relationships failing from a lot of posts I have been reading here indicate that feelings play a role (either intense emotions or lack of emotion), and meltdowns.
Some have indicated that they don't like the fact that their aspie partners don't seem to show them any feelings or care. Others indicatd that they can't handle the meltdown behaviour.

So of course, this tells me the key to being more succesful is comunication and properly expressing your feelings.

Well, based on my own relationship with my boyfriend who has Asperger's, I'd say his shutdowns are what make it harder for us to communicate especially when he has no routine, for example; when he's off college for the holidays I don't hear from him as much as I do when he's at college, which sometimes can be very frustrating because he becomes really absorbed in his special interest, though from when we talked about this over Christmas, he reassured me that he never forgets I'm there and that I am very important to him, which was really nice to hear . Although, the more I talk to him about his Asperger's and the way it affects him, the more it really helps me understand him better and lets him understand me better as well. I have also noticed with time he has been more able to discuss with me how it affects him and he is also more open with me about it which makes it a lot easier. From my perspective, giving eachother enough space is good because it means we don't run out of things to talk about and we always have really enjoyable conversations when we do talk.

The way I improved things was by reading as much as possible about Asperger's and also talking things out with him about his Asperger's. He used to not really talk about it because he was unable to describe how it affected him and he also wasn't sure whether some behaviours were his Asperger's or whether it was normal, but I noticed as I found out more about it I was able to ask him questions and he was more able to answer my questions and explain how it affects him. As a result, we are able to compromise a lot easier than in the past when I wasn't aware of how it affected him. A lot of this has to do with communication and understanding on both the NT's and Aspie's part and once the understanding is done, the ability to talk it through becomes much easier.

I was dating an Aspie for a long time. And while I'm not quite your standard case of an NT - I probably had what will soon be called Social Communication Disorder as a child and so am kind of somewhere in between Aspie and NT - the thing I found most difficult basically amounted to my ex's troubles with fully trusting me and opening up to new experiences. He would get defensive and unreachable very quickly when I brought up something I was unhappy about, and he would complain about or avoid new things I wanted to try with him or new directions I wanted to move my life in. It made me feel unsupported, much more so than his not doing the same kind of nice little things for me as I would do for him, although the latter got to me too once big issues started piling up. (And my NT-ish tendency to let big issues pile up and then have them all come out sideways in irrelevant criticisms, because I was afraid of bringing them up and potentially making him get defensive or freaked out sooner - also screwed things up. NTs aren't always great at relationships either, as the high divorce rates and increasing commonness of not even thinking about getting married indicate.)

So I think it would help if Aspies on their side of these relationships would find ways to get outside their comfort zones more easily and open up to new things. For a while, my ex's therapists would serve as a third party to help control freak-outs and work out a compromise for getting out of his comfort zone vs. me showing respect for his concerns as well. And NTs need to not let stuff build up and come out sideways, because even other NTs tend to react to that badly, and so of course it would confuse and scare the heck out of an Aspie. There needs to be a way to discuss problems in a timely manner that makes sure both people know what the other's emotional needs are, and both people trust each other and feel supported, so that they have a common ground from which to work out a solution (or a compromise for living with an unsolvable problem) before the problem gets big and whatever started the conflict gets forgotten.

I'm in an aspie-nt relationship, and I am a female aspie. I think my biggest issue is saying, "no", instantly. We've been together 7.5 years, and often my issue is that my habit is to instantly shoot down an idea with no. I don't like going places that often, and I'm asexual, which frustrates my boyfriend as he wants more normalcy sometimes, but recently, he seems to be getting accustomed to it. When I feel myself shutting down during an argument, he usually just lets me, and later, I write him a note or message explaining how I felt or what I meant. I do this to keep the line of communication open because I know in the heat of the moment mid-argument it shuts down. I'm trying to learn to say, "yes" more often, but it is really hard sometimes. I'm trying to be less difficult to deal with, but it is my biggest issue at this point.

The main thing that troubles our relationships, I believe, is the lack of emotional support at times. Depending on severity of Asperger's, of course. I'm in an AS/AS relationship (of 12 years) and sometimes I'm deeply hurt by this (example: needing comfort and he's not in the mood to give me a good hug and I get a lousy one and feel worse for asking for a better hug). Other times I feel so blessed for the space I get emotionally that I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's hard to explain exactly how an Aspie can be there for someone emotionally, but when they are... it's WOW and so ... naked and candid too. Very hard to put into words. Best I can do without meaning any offense, is sort of how a child thinks the world of their parent and openly loves them. Aspies/Auties openly love their companion, and a lot of people aren't able to differentiate emotional love with love itself. Someone putting you before themselves in the truest sense, even for a moment, ESPECIALLY when they are normally self-absorbed, is really awesome.

That being said.... I don't know how it would be for an NT to deal with this feature in an AS relationship. I could imagine developing bitterness if I had more value in emotional support in my relationship. I do feel lonely at times but like I said, this is made up for by having the sacred space I do need in a relationship. Other times my Aspie annoys the crap out of me because he's looking for support but I can't figure out how to give it (it feels like he's just trying to feel better about himself, and I am totally clueless in how to "talk" that way).

I wonder if other Aspies feel like people's egos/personalities get in the way of real interaction. If I'm not in the mood I'm actually disgusted with people boasting, bragging, complaining, gossiping, and everything else around me. I'm like, 'why can't they just BE.... without all that crap in the way'. Then I realize it's all that stuff that I'm missing out on.... that really does isolate me from the human race. Then I'm very sad.

Hope that helps, I don't think I did a real good job explaining it.

My boyfriend has "classical" autism (non-HF), ADHD and mild OCD.

For my part, the most difficult thing is getting it through my head that at times he cannot "just do" a thing because his mind is too crowded. I also have some trouble with him not being very communicative during the week (we live in different cities and only see each other in the weekend), but he has recently explained to me that it is because he tends to become focused on one thing for a few hours and doesn't have room for other stuff.

From his perspective, the difficulties are in me giving contradictory messages (it happened once so far - I said one thing verbally but my body language said another thing), not being clear or explicit enough, not being decisive enough (I have a problem with making choices, unless one choice is definitely the most attractive to me I'm rather "meh" about the whole thing and prefer to let others decide what they like best).

What we're doing to improve our relationship: communication, communication, communication. He is trying to learn my "manual" as he puts it, so he asks me a lot of questions about everything - what I like, dislike, how I feel about various things, why do I have certain reactions to certain situations or things and so on. I try to be clear and explicit in my wishes and observations. He is trying very hard to be a "good boyfriend" (and he is the most supportive, caring, affectionate partner I have ever had) and I try to make his life better through support, taking care of things that are easy for me but difficult for him, showing affection and helping him focus. We talk about our relationship a lot and we talk at length about how we feel about it and about each other.

Well as someone who's relationship is on the rocks heres my insights:

NT women dont tell you everything. They seem to bottle emotions up, and carry on as though everything is fine.

You have to notice the small signs that they are trying to hide.

Its not easy - as an Aspie, you get so involved in special interests you just dont remember to pay attention to your mate.

I found a guide for Aspie relationships in a book lately that gives you a checklist each day that you remember to do things - and some ppl would argue that if you have to be reminded its not in your nature, but i disagree. For me, i want to be there for my mate, but i dont remember to ask things i should. I also dont remember which color bin to put out, wether ive eaten or not, and if i need to go to appointments. That doesnt mean i dont care about these things, its just that i get clouded when too much is going on so i need reminding.

NT women need compliments too - and something else i read said that you cant say the same things everyday - even if you really feel them, and want your mate to hear them. It needs to be new things.

Women need to feel special, cherished, loved and supported. The hard part is trying to show that you are doing that.