Your first realisation

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When did you first identify that you didn't
...

It was in the boys toilet and I washed my hands and then I washed the soap off
Nobody else did this
At best they wet their hands
if they got soap on them they
walked away

I can remember when I was in elementary, I'd see kids clustering together, drawn into little magnetic orbits of each other. Occasionally a few would latch on to me, and occasionally emulate me. I saw them all as weak, and lacking of originality because they couldn't walk their own paths. I look back now and wonder how the heck I had any friends at school at all.

Obviously... I love your handle Major! You must be "not in", eh? LOL

I remember in third grade the teacher talking to us in the class and I was thinking "why's she talking like this to me? Can't she see I already know this stuff?" I could read and write before I even hit kindergarten. My dad taught me by reading the funny papers to me every Sunday morning and then having read back and even copy the letters on a piece of paper.

Then in 5th grade I read "Atlas Shrugged" for a book report. The teacher gave me an incentive by agreeing that if I really would read it, she would let me not have to do any more book reports for the grading period! Since I lived on a horse ranch I would rather play outside and ride my horse instead of doing homework so I took her up on the deal. Got an A, 6 weeks of no book reports and the ire of the other kids in the class.

i think it was elementary school when i started realising i didnt fit in,, my 1st grade teacher said i was socially immature,, but my mom refused to accept it. I think by 5th grade when I prefered to play with the boys rather then girls at scout camp. I started seeing that i wasnt the same,, my interests were different, by high school i knew but i blamed it on being an only child in the country, it wasnt until in my 40s that i started working with autistic children and saw a lot of myself in them that i started putting a handle on it, a boss of mine who had worked in mental health said she though i was aspergers,,, but it wsnt until two years ago when i totaly failed at a job that i really started looking at myself seriousy,, and seeing it.

I nevr fit in during those elementary yrs. My experiences ranged from breif acceptance to varying degrees of social isolation and bullying. I could never figure out what I was doing wrong and I wonder why do I not hav any good memories....?

In high school I was able to force myself into an acceptable mold and sort of hav a few friends. But that was mostly boys who thought I was cute since I was OCD about hygiene and not eating much of anything by that point.

Being in my 40's, there was no such diagnosis as Aspergers when I was growing up. (Damn, that sounded old...) I just had notations on my report cards like, "likes to play alone, not very social." and "does not apply himself. He's very smart, but just doesn't try." Looking back on it now, had I been growing up now, the teachers would have immediately realized I had ADD first off, then most likely would have recognized Aspergers. I didn't have friends growing up, I was the kid that everyone could get to do the stupidest things because I just didn't realize they weren't being serious. I was VERY rules oriented, it made me crazy when someone didn't follow the rules. (Still does, but I've learned to adapt.)
What made the light bulb go on for me was first watching TLC's show about people with exceptional talents. They featured a guy with Aspergers who had no friends and no social life, but could design electronic circuits in his head. A lot of what he was talking about resonated with me. That planted the seeds. Then, I was talking with an on-line friend who had just been diagnosed and he pointed me to one of the on-line assessments for Aspergers. I tried it for a lark and was shocked when I scored VERY high on their scale. I took another test and got the same results. So, I started doing research on Aspergers and finally spoke with a psychiatrist through my work and got a confiming diagnosis from him. The thing that irritated me about that though was what he kept telling me, "What does it matter?" It does matter. It affects my life and my relationships.

I don't have an answer for this. I don't believe there was any particular specific realization. It was more a matter of always. Right from the start I knew that there were differences between me and the other children.

My Wife kept telling me I had Aspergers, then her mum would mention it as they'd seen a telly program about some chap I think...
Well for the last 45 years I just thought I was very shy and had always pushed myself very hard to overcome it.. I had some very rough times ! But I started researching last year and am weeks away from a diagnosis now. I now understand myself much more and am less hard on myself.. as previous posters have mentioned in the 70s there was very little if no knowledge.. I was placed in the remedial class but I knew I wasn't stupid !

Stu

Thank you every one for your replies, you have given me a lot to think about.

WOW!

I am guilty of thinking "I am the only one"
and "There's no one else like ME!"

I really hope that this thread will unite some of us into some sort of team spirit
but if you don't want to remember to say f**k you!
I am busy
and solve your own problems

but just remember we're here
not able to solve your problems,
but able to think about them with problem solving attitudes

And... just deleted an hours worth of consideration with one mistake on the keyboard!


my last thought

I am from the era where it was possible to crimally prosecute a mother for having an autistic child. Any activity remotely resembling autism was met with severe beatings, 21 broken bones by the end of my teenage years.

Living in denial is difficult to undo, joining this forum is the first time I fully admitted to myself this may be true.
But I still believe deep inside that this is a phase and I will get better, even at 60 years old.

My hope is posting the physical realities of my existance will give a perspective on them I have been lacking as I grew up.
My brain has a habit of hiding memories from me and a strong inhibition against permanent records of anything at all. This forum is tough at times.

OMG... That would never fly these days!
The worst my parents ever did was smack my bottom with either a wooden spoon (mom's favorite) or dad's leather belt when I was REALLY "out of line" (Like when I was 3 or 4 and decided to walk downtown with a friend to get a soda... )

OMG!

You're SO NIEVE!



It's like looking in a mirror

It's interesting reading people's experiences of how they knew they were different as youngsters at school. I knew I was different, but I thought it was because I was "foreign". I didn't look or talk like the other kids, so I thought that was the reason I was bullied. It wasn't until I started t learn about AS that I realised that I could have been any color and they would still have picked on me for being different. It was the way I behaved. I was very rule oriented, very niave and saw everything as black and white. It's so clear now. It's a shame that girls didn't get diagnosed or that no one knew about AS really back then. I think it would have helped me to know why I was different.

I always knew I was a little different from the time I started pre-school (I was treated well by everyone but still didn't like the same activities as anyone else) but late elementary and especially when I entered Junior High was when I really understood I was a little 'off' even without any physical or mental disabilities. I still had no idea until last year when I finally investigated Aspergers and was SHOCKED that it was like reading my own autobiography! I wish I had known about Aspergers as a teenager because I would have made life oh so much better knowing I wasn't crazy, since once I got to know them kids seemed to hate me wherever I went for no reason.

Looking back it was clear several people were hinting at it for many years but I don't know why they couldn't just come out and say "have you ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome? You should check it out?"

In 2003 when I had to work in close proximity with a guy with Asperger's and Tourette's who went on and on about Elvis and wiggled in his chair and talked to himself, I realized a possible reason why people reacted the way they did to me as a child. Then I read an article in the New York Times Magazine called "What Are (Autistic) Little Girls Made Of" in 2005 or 2006 and some of the case histories could have been biographical.