Do you find it hard showing your authority?

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This is another thing I have realised about myself, and I'm not sure if it's related to having underaverage social skills or not. I can't speak for everybody here, since some people with ASDs might think having or showing authority helps with their social skills and makes them more confident around people, but for me this isn't the case at all. Knowing I have authority just makes me want to just hide away.

It's probably the reason why I didn't want to work somewhere where I have to deal with customers. It's not so much serving people in general, it's more so dealing with difficult customers. This is why I would make a crappy security guard. If I was to work at an airport as a security guard, I think I would probably let the place get bombed!

I worked with small children, aged 2 to 4, a couple of years ago, and I found it so hard to show authority over them, even though I knew they weren't obnoxious and wouldn't eat me alive like teenagers would. I was just too afraid to tell them off for anything, and I found myself backing away nervously and letting them do anything they wanted. Lucky there were other carers there, otherwise I would probably of let the children run riot.

That's another thing - I could be a carer at a care home. I work at a care home as a cleaner, and even that's quite difficult for me when I've got to clean a room where there's maybe a cantankerous person in the room, even though most old people (especially with Alzheimer's) won't judge me, and most lose their self-awareness and would forget who you are if you did do or say something weird. But it just feels irrationally hard to show my authority. Does anyone else feel like this, or is this just me being the most unconfident person in the world?

I think many people feel this way whether NT or ASD. My problem is being over confrontational and it has probably caused me as many problems as being under confrontational. I keep wondering if I have an undiagnosed PD, or at least traits, in addition to AS so I might not have the best perspective on this topic.

I've always struggled with exerting authority, even when it is necessary. I used to struggle with it in the workplace too, finding it hard to give subordinates "orders" etc, especially if they resisted, what didn't help was unsupportive management above me too which I could not rely on to back me up with anything. However, since taking up moderating of WP I've gained a lot of experience being assertive when it is necessary.

There is an art (which I'm still learning) to getting other people to do what is required of them or to stop doing something that is disruptive or against the site rules. There are sometimes some extremely stroppy customers (members) to deal with too! It has proved very good experience though. Part of the learning curve has been to find how to be assertive without being dictatorial or rude about it but also avoiding the other extreme of being a pushover and giving in to those who have very dominant personalities who can be very belligerent or who attempt to talk me to death trying to get their own way.

So I think it comes down to practice.

That has always been a problem for me too. I hate confrontation with anyone and have difficulty knowing what level of "force" to apply in the situations. When I was a school kid if I was in a confrontational situation e.g. some other kid calling me names or ridiculing me my usual response was to ignore them or to punch them in the face (hard). But that sort of behaviour is not acceptable for adults. So if I had a problem in a shop or restaurant with poor service and the staff were belligerent - just how confrontational should one become? Difficult to find a medium without being a timid pushover or being very rude and threatening.

When I was a kid I hurt people, sometimes pretty badly. I didn't enjoy hurting people, it was just an impulse that was often related to sensory problems. But sometimes I would just feel wronged. One time I punched one of less than a handful of kids that I ever liked when he came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. I broke his braces and he was crying and I felt horrible beyond words. That was the day I vowed never to hurt people unless I'm defending myself or another person. I still have that drive to go on the offensive though. I've gotten better but it's not something I've ever been able to eliminate, I just don't hurt people needlessly. Even with some of my posts on WP, I look back on and think, "damn that was too much". At the time of writing them that drive has kicked in and I'm in a completely different mindset. Like you said, I can't find that medium.

It looks to me that some of us on this thread are set too low, some of us are set too high (like me), others are set to medium. Sounds like a normal group of people to me.

I really struggled with this, in the workplace. I was in the first line of management of an admin team, but that's not the job I had been offered initially. My job had been admin support to a manager, kind of like a secretary or PA, with lots of other stuff. I more or less worked on my own, the manager delegated to me and I did it. But, we had an admin review and I, like all the other admin assistants, ended up with a small team of clerical staff, to supervise and delegate to. I hated it. Thankfully, most of the team were experienced and good at their jobs and never needed to be given work to do. They just got on with what they had. But, when I did have some who were more difficult to supervise, I was out of my depth. I had a trainee who worked at a snail's pace, as if she was in some sort of trance, who constantly moaned about being on a trainee salary. One day, we were just making up name badges for a conference. I thought I could lead by example and had about 20 done in the time that she had done about 3. She didn't appear to be struggling with the task, i.e. she didn't seem to have fine motor skills issues, she was just moving in slow motion and doing nothing for long periods of time. I was 8 months pregnant and about to go on maternity leave and this was my last big job. I could feel myself getting angry, but said nothing. The problem is, if I had said was I thinking, I might have been sacked, instead of her.

As a parent of a child with Aspergers, who attends school, I find that I have to confront people now and again. This week was a prime example. I put a request, in writing, to have my daughter moved away from a boy who was distracting her. It seemed like a reasonable request, as she has significant concentration difficulties and he quite obviously has severe behavioural issues. The depute head called to tell me that my request was being denied, as the boy couldn't be a distraction! I did not deal with the call well and I would say that, instead of being assertive, I must have come across as aggressive. But, I did get my way and my daughter's over the moon. Only problem is that the depute head is no longer someone I can depend on for support and she probably thinks I'm a bit of a crackpot.

It depends on the situation

If I was dealing with a service provider, bank for example and they'd messed up I'd be fine with being assertive about it
as it's clear what they are meant to do and I'm ok to tell them when they haven't been doing it but at work it's less easy as some personality types are scary and it's not like a 'scripted' type interaction - it's far more based on how well you know the person, how many friends they have in the workplace and what they'd be like in an argument. Some people have a very intimidating manner, even when they're being nice, to the extent they make you jumpy and you feel edgy even talking to them, let alone having to assert authority!

Saying that I've been dismissed from my job this week for telling a bullying cover manager where to go so I had no problem asserting myself there! Didn't do me any good though!

I've had supervisory responsibility in a previous job and it was hard to assert my authority as they were mainly young men and
some were resentful or cheeky towards me and I didn't have the people skills to deal with it properly.

Have very similar feelings about authority, I have a hard time drawing the line between being a doormat or being an ass. You have to be balanced and that comes from practice as Tallyman said.

I can relate to everyone's responses. I tend to avoid confrontation until I lose my temper, I don't seem to have a regulator at all. I know the ideal would be a calm assertion, but it wasn't that long ago that I would have a complete emotional meltdown for every little thing. I have a huge pattern of withdrawal and internalizing everything as a coping mechanism, and it really annoys me.

This exactly.

I have a hard time being assertive in general.

I had similar experiences with small children and as a carer. I lost a babysitting job because I let the kids have too many cookies! The parents came home with cookies all over the ground and never called back

Also, well I only dealt with my grandma as a carer, but even then. It was nice that she forgot something awkward that I said, but the hard part is the agitation, especially after sundown.

Yeah I also had that problem with babysitting..............not strict enough........couldn't get the kids to listen.......

I have exactly the same problem. I'm very insecure and I can't be assertive. If I try to show authority, I end up showing my nervousness. I think in my case it's because of my very poor interpersonal skills. Most people think I'm odd and whatever I say is not taken seriously, which makes it very hard for me to show authority. Even when what I'm saying makes sense and is right, people can easily make me sound wrong.

Thats what I was going to say, While i'm low on the ladder I have often been put in charge of training and leading summer/student/part time employees at work due to my years of expireance. I find the best way to do it is to manage in the 3rd person, saying "the boss wants etc.", i'm better at relaying my superiors direction then doing my own thing and since its really not my direction then they also won't ever have a personal beef with me.

Thats the management style that works for me anyway and since no one in their right mind will promote me to full supervisor or president ever, I don't have to or about having to deal with full authority!

No, and you goddamn better respect it.

(Yes, a Cartman reference. But no, I seem to have an authoritarian demeanor that people listen to in person.)

You sound like you have a very good heart and care a lot for children.
I am this way with animals. We babysat our neighbors huge dog (he was a big 150 puppy) and he had behavioral issues. He was huge, he ate things, he would try to "hump" me from behind. I just couldn't yell at him or give him a swat i didn't have it in me. Also my tonal range i can't yell at animals. I don't my tonal range just doesn't even go beyond certain ranges for them. So the huge pup would try and hump me, obviously he knew i wasn't boss yet i didn't have the heart to hollar at him.
My gf, on the other hand had no problem yelling at him and telling him where it's at. She seems to be able to train dogs also firmly. I don't have that firmness in my voice.

Your post sounds like assertiveness issues. I have issues with being assertive. If its with humans, i tend to get aggressive instead of assertive. Especially if they don't listen to my "no" the first time.

However if i were working with elderly people, i would find it very hard to show harsh tonal range. My tonal range would remain the same as it is for animals. I don't have it in me to yell at elders/senior citizens. I just can't do it... i'd rather them give me a verbal whipping.

Considering you were dealing with children and elderly, it shows you have a good heart. IMO, i would have trouble showing harsh tonal ranges around them.

Now if it came to people around my own age and they pissed me off by being disrespecful i would likely put them in their place harshly.
Sometimes i tend to be too harsh if people keep pushing at me. (i.e. my gfs mother wants to try to "dump" a feline onto us when we already have 3 and a dog at the time. I told her the answer was no and she kept trying to push me so i started having a fit yelling no. It was especially bad since her mother knows i am a sucker for animals. Yet it's not realistic for us to have another here due to space, money, and feline medical issues.

My mother said i have to work on building or rebuilding self confidence. I'm not sure how to do that. Also i too need help with assertiveness and how to do that without having to yell or be pushed into something i don't want to do.