Personal Insight

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A lot of people tend to think they are experts on themselves; however I can't help but feel that their are some aspects of myself I just can't see. Anyone else fell like this? I hate going to therapy because they always ask me what's bothering me or what's wrong, and to be honest I don't feel I know myself enough to answer, and when I do answer I'm wrong more often than not. It's quite discouraging being aware of self dysfunction yet at the same time being unable to articulate it. So as a result I get medications and strategies that don't seem to help anything. Maybe self acceptance is the only answer; I don't know anymore.

Don't worry if you have trouble identifying yourself and your problems. I wouldn't say I know everything on how to help, but I can offer some help:

>Keeping a diary is a huge helper in discovering who you are. Don't worry if you even write concrete sentences on how your day/how you feel and the like...draw how the day went (you know, doodle what's on your mind)...make up weird poems, take magazine clips and tape them inside, write just about anything you think of, like little things that you felt went really well that day. If you have the courage, just show your therapist some of the stuff in your diary you don't feel ashamed of.

>take a walk, get some sun. If that's all the exercise you get, it's get your thoughts flowing about life and how it affects you.

>think about all the things you even have in life that a lot of people dont...and I know that thing I just said sounds like something parents would tell their kid, but hey, it's better than feeling bad that the world's gonna collapse if you don't have the perfect life.

>listen to relaxing music.

>read magazines with vivid illustrations...draw stuff you're inspired to draw based on what you look at--and this doesn't have to be pen and pencil and paper...if any drawing is watercolor, that's probably the most therapeutic, so try colorful and vivid mediums like pastels or watercolors (I'm an artist and only trying to help!)

so...if you can try at least one or two if these advice areas and share how you felt with a therapist by the time everything's up with the week, I just hope this advice helps. I suffer from manic depression so I know how it feels to hate identifying myself and not even being sure of myself to begin with for a long period of time.

hope that helps.

Yes, I can totally relate to what you describe. Since discovering AS (diagnosis in progress but feel pretty certain), one of the aspects I have been having the most difficulty with is my (possibly willfull) ignorance of things I feel I should have been a lot more aware of. When alone, I tend to exhibit some quite autistic behaviours that I was aware of enough to semi-conciously make sure I didnt do in public. Still, every time I would get to thoughts of why I did them, I would brush the thoughts aside and tell myself that I am just worrying over nothing and imagining problems or that everyone else probably thinks the same etc. I have done this for years.

Also, I would always think of myself as being very in control of my emotions - even pride myself on it. After some self-analysis and reading up on AS and alexithymia I now realise that I actually have serious problems even recognising my emotions - both that they are present and specifically what any given emotion is. A lot of the time my answer to how I feel if asked is pretty much based on what I expect the answer should be given the context. Since it is second nature and always has been I never really thought about it until now - quite a thing to get your head around at 30.

I digress but the point I wanted to make was that you are by no means alone and, speaking as someone who is realising new (sometimes slightly worrying or disturbing) things about himself every other day since discovering AS, I think I might have some idea what you are going through and how strange it can be.

Si

I can relate to this in some degree.

I'm pretty good in identivying disorders and behavioural patterns in me, but I'm very bad when it comes to emotion and motives. I just can't tell.

Same here. I have seen so many therapists over the years to no avail. I think the biggest problem for me was being unable to articulate the problems I was having.

@keepcalmfangirlon: Thank you for your good advice! Environment surely plays a significant role, and I definitely haven't taken very good care of myself.

Thanks everyone for your replies <3

I learned enough to realize mine, but.. it took a large percentage of my 50 years to do so. So do not feel so bad. I think this also goes for NTs as well, to a lesser extent..

Sincerely,
Matthew

I don't know myself very well. My parents and brother know me better than I know myself. I spend a lot of time asking them about myself because I really can't recognize patterns in my own behavior and thinking, or even what I'm capable of and what I'm not. They keep telling me that I should keep a diary in order to get to know myself better, but I don't know how to start one and have trouble with focusing too much on trying to make it "perfect" rather than using it for its intended purpose: self-help and self-discovery.

I personally didn't really know myself until recently (past 5 years). Before then, I was often trying to be someone I wasn't, and trying to change some fundamental aspects of my personality. However, since I've accepted and learned to understand those traits, I feel like I've grown tremendously as a person. Not only do I have more respect for myself, but others seem to have more respect for me as well.

I think I have the same problem. I can't really describle exactly what's wrong. I'm still confused about myself.

I thought a psychologist/psychiatrist can help, but I realize that only competent ones can help. Other ones seem to confuse you even more.

I've found the more I learn, the more I realise how much I don't know, hindsight can at times be 20/20 not that it helps much. Usally the reasons for my actions are quite justifiable however the actions themselves are not, so I hear(ie shutdowns, meltdowns). When using professional help it almost helps to have someone close like a parent with you to help decode those the actions becouse if they ask me I say i'm fine and in my world I most perfectly am.

Sometimes I wonder though when people try to tell me i'm acting like an autistic and its not good if they are actually trying to use my trust of them and their insite to take advantage of me, so around I go again.