Mountains out of ONE misphrazed/misunderstood sentence!! !

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First and foremost I am suffering from a disability that is called Asperger Syndrome. This is considered to be a mild form of autism. So while it doesn't affect my intelligence and my abilities to live independantly and to hold jobs, it has a severe impact on my social interaction skills. I don't have any friends and I don't even know how to say hello to ANYONE in the real world. I don't even know most names of the people in my class room! Hence I am going to americansingles.com to find myself a girl friend so that I wouldn't feel as lonely. I already did find a girl friend, but I am still pissed off at one of the other girls who treated me like garbage OUT OF ONE SIMPLE MISCOMMUNICATION!! ! I mean things like that happen 99.999999% of the time because of my disability, and that conversation was simply a more extrteme version of something that I have to face on a daily basis. The thing is that most people, unlike that girl, wouldn't even SAY that something is wrong, they would simply stop talking to me out of the blue -- well out of the blue from my perspective since due to my disability I can't say how I look to others. I see myself as a very deep, thoughtful and intelligent person who always has best intentions and dies to make friends. But my disability causes problems on the interface so that the way I appear is very different. And it is especially unfair that most people simply stop talking to you hence you don't have a chance to EXPLAIN where you were comming from. They simply assume it and don't even want to TEST their assumptions by talking to you a liiiiitle bit more. I mean how do they even know they are RIGHT -- in fact SO RIGHT that they just KNOW exactly what was in your mind WITHOUT ever talking to you or asking you!! !! !! !

THE CASE IN HAND IS ESPECIALLY RIDICULOUS SINCE THERE WAS MISCOMMUNICATION IN ONE SINGLE SENTENCE. NAMELY, I TOLD THE GIRL OVER AT americansingles.com "YOUR PICTURE IS ENOUGH", MEANING NO NEED FOR HER TO DESCRIBE HERSELF SINCE THE PIC THAT *SHE ALREADY POSTED* WAS ENOUGH. BUT SHE UNDERSTOOD ME AS SAYING THAT I WANTED HER TO SPECIFICALLY SEND ME *YET ANOTHER* PICTURE OF HERSELF INSTEAD OF DESCRIBING HERSELF, WHICH FREAKED HER OUT SINCE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I CONTACTED HER!

Anyway, I will let you just read the conversation and judge it for yourself!! !

<Myself>: hi
<Girl>: hi
<Myself>: you are Jewish thats so cool
<Myself>: I am also Jewish
<Girl>: wait, no im not

I looked again at her profile and saw that she was Catholic.

<Myself>: sorry I typed it into a different box
<Myself>: I am talking to two people at once
<Myself>: you are both the first time people I talk to

A long pause. I decided to type an empty space to find out whether she was still there.

<Myself>:

Computer didn't tell me she was away. Hence I figured she probably decided not to talk because I freaked her out.

<Myself>: hope I didn't freak you out
<Girl>: lol
<Girl>: no
<Girl>: so your jewish, eh?
<Myself>: actually I am messianic
<Myself>: I first put that I am christian
<Myself>: but then I decided to take it off
<Myself>: cause I wanted to tell to all the Jews how I am Jewish
<Girl>: well, thats interesting
<Myself>: I am from Jewish family but decided to be Messianic as a consequence of obsessive web searching
<Girl>: wait im totally confused
<Girl>: oh, okay
<Girl>: not confused anymore
<Myself>: yah

She didn't respond. So I decided to find some way of continuing a conversation.

<Myself>: so anyway I like your photo

PLEASE NOTE: the above sentence means I ENJOY looking at the picture that she has ALREADY posted. HOWEVER, as you will see later, she MISUNDERSTOOD it to mean that I WOULD like her to send me yet another picture!! !

<Myself>: I am 5'9'' tall I dunno whether its tall enough
<Myself>: you said you wanted someone tall

I asked whether or not I am tall enough because in her profile she said that she would prefer tall guys.

Then somehow I decided that I shouldn't have asked this question because I was the one who first contacted her so it just seems weird that on one hand I contacted her and on the other hand I am not sure whether or not I am the right guy for her.

So I decided to FIX THE SITUATION by COVERING UP the question about my height with the rest of the description on how I look like.

I DID NOT mean I wanted her to tell me how she looks like AT ALL. After all, she had her pic posted, and it was more than enough. I was simply trying to type something to cover up my original question about height, that was all I was doing.


<Myself>: anyways I don't have scanner so I can't post any pic
<Myself>: I weigh 140 lbl, I have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes
<Myself>: I have small frame
<Myself>: young facial features
<Myself>: yah so thats me
<Girl>: coo
<Girl>: l
<Girl>: well, hmph... i dont really describe myself often...

Then there was in the bottom of a screen written "such and such is typing..." so probably she was trying to describe the way she looked like. However, due to my Asperger I have excessive fear of offending people, so I was scared that she felt like I was *forcinig* her to describe herself, so I told her that she doesn't have to.

<Myself>: its ok your pic is enough

IN THE ABOVE SENTENCE I MEANT THAT THE PIC THAT SHE *ALREADY POSTED* WAS ENOUGH. MEANING NO NEED OF SELF DESCRIPTION SINCE SHE ALREADY HAD PIC *POSTED* FOR ALL TO SEE. HOWEVER, AS YOU WILL SEE LATER, SHE *MISUNDERSTOOD* THE ABOVE SENTENCE TO BE SAYING THAT I WANTED HER TO SPECIFICALLY MAIL TO ME YET ANOTHER PIC OF HERSELF.

ON ANY EVENT, I DIDN'T FIND IT OUT UNTILL MUCH LATER. SO LETS GO BACK TO THE CORRECT TIMING.

GOING BACK TO OUR CONVERSATION, THE ONLY THING THAT I SAW *AT THAT TIME* WAS THAT DESPITE THAT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN IT WAS SAID "SHE WAS TYPING", SHE WASN'T REALLY SAYING ANYTHING FOR 10 MINUTES.

So then I realized that since, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, the last sentence was saying NOT to describe herself, perhaps she found it offensive that she already typed part of her self description and was interrupted in the middle of the sentence. So I decided to tell her that I didn't mean that I don't *want* her to describe herself, but rather I simply meant that I don't want to *force* her to describe herself:

<Myself>: don't mean to force you to do anything, that is
<Myself>: whatever you wanna do
<Myself>: if you WANT to describe yourself, great
<Myself>: if not doesn't matter

She didn't respond. So again I decided to type blank space to see if she was there.

<Myself>:

Computer didn't say she left, so she was there. Hence I decided to explain why I weren't saying anything for a while. Namely, on the bottom of the screen I read that she was typing, hence I was waiting for her to finish.

<Myself>: (you seem to be typing something)

NO RESPONSE. FEW MINUTES LATER:

<Myself>: (i do have to tell you that i will have to get going in 15 minutes because i have something else planned today)

MARK YOUR CALENDER RIGHT HERE! YOU JUST HEARD ME TELLING HER HOW I WILL HAVE TO GO IN 15 MINUTES. TO BE MORE SPECIFIC I HAD BIBLE STUDIES TO GO TO. BUT IN FACT I STAYED GOOD 25 OR EVEN 30 MINUTES, AND WERE LATE TO MY BIBLE STUDIES. BUT AS YOU WILL SEE, SHE ACCUSED ME FOR HAVING TO LEAVE AND SHE DIDN'T SEEM TO BELIEVE ME THAT I ACTUALLY HAD SOMETHING PLANNED BUT RATHER DECIDED I WAS MAKING AN EXCUSE! WELL IF IT WAS AN EXCUSE, I WOULDN'T HAVE WARNED HER AHEAD OF TIME HOW I WERE *GOING* TO LEAVE!! !

GOING BACK TO CONVERSATION...

NO RESPONSE. SO I DECIDED TO GET HER ATTENTION.

<Myself>: HI

NO RESPONSE. A WHILE LATER

<Myself>: yah anyway I really have to get going
<Myself>: ttyl
<Girl>: bye

SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH, THERE WERE *NO* PAUSE *AT ALL* UNTILL SHE SAID BYE. SO APPARENTLY SHE WAS THERE ALL ALONE, SHE WAS DELIBERATELY NOT SAYING ANYTHING BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME.

<Myself>: bye bye
<Myself>: sorry didn't mean to sound like a jerk
<Girl>: you didnt sound like a jerk
<Girl>: you just asked for my picture WAY too fast

I COULDN'T EVEN GUESS THAT SHE WAS REFERRING TO THE SENTENCE "YOUR PIC IS ENOUGH". WHAT I WAS THINKING WAS THAT SHE PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT WHEN I STARTED TO DESCRIBE MYSELF I SOMEHOW IMPLIED THAT SHE SHOULD DO THE SAME. SO I DECIDED TO EXPLAIN TO HER IT WASN'T THE CASE BY TELLING HER IN DETAIL AS TO WHAT EXACTLY MADE ME DESCRIBE MYSELF.

<Myself>: i didn't i basically described myself
<Myself>: what i was thinking was first to ask whether i was too short for you
<Myself>: then after i asked it i figured i sounded like a freak
<Myself>: so i choose to cover it up by telling you the rest of how i look like
<Myself>: and then after i described my appearance in detail it seemed on the other end like i wanted you to do the same thing
<Myself>: things like that happen way too often to me online because when i type and the other person doesn't hear me speak, then its easy to say one thing and sound like I am saying something else
<Myself>: to me anyway
<Girl>: okay, well it kinda sounded creepy considering your 25
<Girl>: and im 18

BY THE ANSWER SHE GAVE IT APPEARED SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT IT WAS BASIC MISCOMMUNICATION.

<Myself>: okay to be honest I have social disability
<Myself>: so it affects the way I talk
<Myself>: so as I said I shouldn't have been asking you whether or not I am short
<Myself>: THAT was a stupid question
<Myself>: but whenever I do #1 thing that is stupid I always do 10 more things to cover it up each being 10 times stupiter
<Myself>: like the disability doesn't affect my attitude
<Myself>: but rather it affects my comprehension of subtle signals in social interactions
<Myself>: so its kind of like when you speak foreign language
<Myself>: just foreign social language so to speak

NO RESPONSE FOR FEW MINUTES

<Myself>: SO I AM REALLY SORRY
<Myself>: I WISH WE CAN FORGET THIS WHOLE DAMN CONVERSATION AND START RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING IN SOME MORE POSITIVE WAY

NO RESPONSE FOR FEW MINUTES

THEN I DECIDED TO SEE IF SHE WAS THERE:

<Myself>:

IT TURNED OUT THAT SHE WAS

SO I DECIDED TO LOOK OVER OUR CONVERSATION FROM THE BEGINNING TO SEE WHETHER THERE WAS ANYTHING ELSE I COULD HAVE SAID WRONG.

THEN AFTER A LITTLE THINKING I FIGURED THAT PERHAPS I APPEARED TO BE ASKING FOR PICTURE WHEN I SAID "YOUR PICTURE IS ENOUGH" SINCE THAT WAS WHEN SHE STOPPED TALKING.

<Myself>: (by the way I just read over our conversation
<Myself>: when I said "your pic is enough" I didn't mean that you should send me any pic OTHER than the one you have already posted
<Myself>: what I meant was the pic in your profile is enough which means you don't have to describe yourself
<Myself>: because you told me you weren't comfortable describing yourself
<Myself>: so I said your pic is enough
<Myself>: meaning no need to
<Myself>: like when i first described how i look like
<Myself>: your answer was you weren't comfortable describing yourself
<Myself>: so I said that THE FACT THAT you ALREADY have a picture posted is enough
<Myself>: so I am sorry for a confusion)

SHE DIDN'T REPLY FOR FEW MINUTES. SO I DECIDED TO GET HER ATTENTION BY TYPING A BRIEF SUMMARY OF ALL THE CONFUSION ABOVE IN CAPS

<Myself>: I DID NOT ASK FOR PIC I SAID THE PIC *YOU ALREADY HAVE* IS ENOUGH
<Myself>: I really hope I haven't scared you off

FEW MINUTE PAUSE

<Girl>: alright, well i guess we can start over
<Girl>: nice to meet you
<Girl>: im guessing your name is (types first few letters of my user name)?

AS YOU RECALL, I HAD TO GO QUITE A WHILE AGO. FIRST I WARNED HER HOW I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE IN 15 MINUTES AND SHE DIDN'T REPLY. THEN AFTER 15 MINUTES WERE OVER, I TOLD HER I HAD TO GO AND ACTUALLY SAID BY. ONLY AS AN EPILOGUE TO MY "BYE" I ASKED HER WHETHER OR NOT I FREAKED HER OUT AND THEN WE HAD A LONG CONVERSATION OVER THAT ONE, WHICH LASTED AT LEAST 10 MINUTES. SO IF 10 MINUTES AGO I HAD TO GO, OBVIOUSLY RIGHT NOW I *REALLY* HAD TO GO. IN FACT I WAS 10 MINUTES LATE. DOESN'T TAKE MUCH BRAIN TO FIGURE THAT ONE OUT!

I admit there were other things in my mind going on. I kinda found it pretty weird that she decided to start it over in a VERY LITERAL way, even though it was my idea. But just the fact that she started from "hi nice to meet you" made it seem too much like an exercise and hece it just seemed like it doesn't really count anyway. After all, how would I know when the exercise would end and the real conversation would begin?

The other part of it was that I felt really hurt about the way she treated me so I kinda wanted to hurt her back. I even had an idea to seize an apportunity of her being nice and swear at her so that she would walk in my shoes for a short while.

HOWEVER I STOPPED MYSELF FROM DOING THE ABOVE.

The other part of me was telling me to miss my Bible studies and take the most out of the apportunity to start it all over. There might be no other one.

So I thought about it for a couple of minutes and then decided on a compromise. Namely to tell that I have to leave, but NOT try to be *too* polite either.

BUT AS I SAID BEFORE, I HAD A LEGITIMATE REASON TO LEAVE. BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE THAT I WAS LATE FOR BIBLE STUDIES.


<Myself >: later cause I have to run
<Myself>: i am going to be 5 minutes late
<Girl>: later
<Girl>: much.

Then I felt I didn't hurt her enough, so I decided to put her on a blockout list. I was still planning to talk to her in future. The thing is that the way a blocking works is that if I block someone, I am still able to contact them, its only that they would no longer be able to contact me. So I was planning to contact her next day and pretend as if nothing ever happened as far as me blocking her. Basically start from where I left off, appologise for being late and hence having to leave, etc. Then if she would ask me why I block her out I would pretend to be surprise about it because i didn't and then in a while figure out how I meant to block out someone else and it accidentally happened to be her, and unblock her. That was my plan.

However, of course, I realized that if she getts mad at me for blocking her, then she wouldn't even talk to me and hence I wouldn't have any apportunity of pretending that it was an accident. So I thought about it for a while. But then I couldn't resist, so blocked her and went my way to Bible studies.

The Bible studies were from 8 PM to 9 PM. Then I was asking pastor some questions about the topics covered for another half an hour, which is my typical pattern. So obviously when I was done she was already done at americansingles.

Anyway, I thought a little bit more over the fact that I blocked her, and I figured out that the chances are that if she finds out that she is blocked, she wouldn't even be talking to me or give me chance to explain how it was an accident. So I un-blocked her, and sent her an E mail through that web page appologizing for having to go to Bible studies. Of course I didn't have to appologise for blocking her since it was an accident and I didn't even know it happened. But from my appologies as to how I was sorry about the fact that I had to leave, it should be crystal clear that *obviously* the fact that I blocked her was an accident.

Here is the PM that I sent her:

************************************************** ******
Sorry for what happened today. As I said its kind of a social language thing. And then unfortunately when we decided to start it all over, I was late for my Bible studies. So yah kind of unfortunate chain of coincidents. So I really hope there is still some chance to start it all over yet again. Anyway sorry for what happened and hopefully we will talk later.
************************************************** ******

The next day I saw her online. I checked the PM system to see whether or not she opened the message that I sent her and I found out that she didn't.

HOWEVER, AS YOU WILL SEE FROM CONVERSATION BELOW SHE PROBABLY DID *NOT* FIND OUT I EVER BLOCKED HER. SHE WAS ATTACKING THE FACT THAT I HAD TO LEAVE AND *NOT* THE FACT THAT I BLOCKED HER.

SO I GUESS IT WAS A LITTLE JUDGEMENTAL ON HER PART SINCE AS I MENTIONED EARLIER, I TOLD HER AHEAD OF TIME HOW I WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE IN 15 MINUTES.

Anyway, I messaged her, and here is teh conversation that we had:

<Myself>: Hi
<Girl>: hi
<Girl>: i don't want to talk to you any more
<Girl>: and by the way aren't you online all the time? this creeps me out
<Myself>: as i told you it was miscommunication
<Myself>: i have a disability that is called asperger syndrome
<Myself>: it is related to autism
<Myself>: and it causes the problem with an interface if you know what i mean

LONG PAUSE

<Myself>: I AM REALLY REALLY SORRY ABOUT IT
<Myself>: i didn't mean i wanted you to send me a pic
<Myself>: what I meant was that your pic that you already had was enough
<Myself>: so as i said it was miscommunication
<Myself>: I REALLY HOPE TO START IT ALL OVER AGAIN
<Myself>: WE ALREADY AGREED TO ANYWAY

LONG PAUSE

<Myself>: as far as me being online all the time
<Myself>: its because as a consequence of Asperger
<Myself>: i don't know how to approach people in the real world
<Myself>: no one ever talks to me at all
<Myself>: so i am desperate
<Girl>: i wanted to start over but you said you had to go
<Myself>: i left because of the bible studies
<Myself>: i was already 10 minutes late
<Myself>: the bible studies were important
<Myself>: it were the last bible studies in a semester
<Myself>: so i didn't want to miss them
<Myself>: as I said i am really really sorry
<Myself>: and i really want to start over
<Girl>: whatever i don't want to talk to you any more
<Myself>: I AM REALLY REALLY SORRY
<Myself>: CAN I JUST HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE
<Myself>: BECAUSE AS I SAID IT WAS A CHAIN OF ACCIDENTS
<Myself>: first miscommunication and then bible studies
<Myself>: bible studies are schejuled in a certain time
<Myself>: and there is nothing i can do about it

She didn't reply. I went to restaurant to study. I came back in an hour. She IM-ed me, but I was the first one to say hi.


<Myself>: hi
<Girl>: i dont care if you had bible studies or not, i gave you a second chance and you just went, i have to leave, okay bye
<Girl>: **** off
<Myself>: but bible studies were important
<Myself>: and as i said i was sorry about it
<Myself>: due to my Asperger I didn't realize it looked rude
<GIrl>: i dont care
<Myself>: because i thought it wasd good reason
<Girl>: it was rude of you
<Girl>: just leave me alone please
<Myself>: but my asperger sometimes prevents me from seeing it
<Myself>: because i thought if i had bible studies it was enough of a reason
<Myself>: i didn't want to miss it

SOME PAUSE

<Myself>: can you give me a third last chance
<Myself>: so that i can really try my very best
<Myself>: I mean i wish the whole thing never happened
<Myself>: that what always happends with me
<Myself>: first i screw it up and hten i agonize it for next month wanting to reverse it
<Girl>: then your ****ing nuts
<Girl>: just drop it
<Girl>: dude
<Myself>: no its because I have DISABILITY
<Girl>: leave me alone
<Girl>: move on
<Myself>: Asperger syndrome is social disability
<Girl>: why do you want to talk to me anyways
<Girl>: i dont really care
<Myself>: because I like your profile
<Myself>: I mean I SINCERELY didn't mean to be rude
<Myself>: I APPEARED rude
<Myself>: but I didn't MEAN to be
<Myself>: thats what autism is all about
<Myself>: its like you have a problem with enterface
<Girl>: why do you like my profile
<Myself>: you say one thing and it sounds something else

(the last line was a continuation of the previous sentence that happened to be after she responded because we both typed really fast)

<Myself>: mainly i like your face
<Myself>: because I don't like chicks that have make up
<Myself>: but by looking at you it looks like you are thinking about something
<Myself>: you just look smart
<Myself>: thats to answer your question why i like your profile
<Myself>: and another part of it is desperation
<Myself>: because it just hurts when i offend people without meaning to
<Girl>: dude, just stop, okay
<Myself>: because it happens to me wayy to often
<Myself>: look what will you have to lose by giving me another chance
<Myself>: suppose i am a saint
<Myself>: then if you don't talk to me you won't find out if you were wrong or not
<Girl>: oh my lord
<Myself>: but if I am a complete jerk then you have nothing to lose
<Girl>: just leave me alone please
<Myself>: I mean do you realize how would YOU feel if NO ONE would EVER talk to you
<Girl>: if i you were a saint you would respect my wishes

(i am continuing my previous sentece because again we both type too fast)

<Myself>: while you had your BEST intentions

(now I am going to answer her last sentence)

<Myself>: because you don't even know me for me
<Myself>: you think I am chasing after everyone
<Myself>: but in real life I do NOT talk to ANYONE
<Myself>: I don't even know how to say hello to ppl
<Myself>: due to my AS
<Girl>: plus, your not my type, your freaking 25 years old, jewish and im guessing your russian

(again I am finishing up my last sentence)

<Myself>: thats why I don't know social skills

(now I am answering her, but due to so fast speed I misread what she said. I thought she said "plus you don't know how to type" so I started explaining why I make so many typos)

<Myself>: I type so badly because I try to type fast
<Myself>: so that I type enough before you reply
<Myself>: thats why I type so badly
<Myself>: and yes I am from Russia
<Myself>: so English is my second language
<Girl>: just leave me alone

(again finishing up my last sentence)

<Myself>: but hey i am in graduate school
<Girl>: its apparent that im not going to talk to you any more
<Girl>: your trying to damn hard and thats creepy
<Myself>: okay can you start it all over and talk for 10 more minutes just to give me my very best shoot

PAUSE

<Myself>: I am trying so hard because I have NO ONE to talk to
<Myself>: not just you
<Myself>: thats why
<Myself>: and also because I haven't INTENDED to offend you
<Girl>: sure, but after that i dont really ever want to talk to you again

(again I am finishing up my last sentence)

<Myself>: hence I feel hurt
<Girl>: WHO SAYS HENCE?
<Myself>: Yah but it HURTS that I didn't INTEND to say something but I did
<Girl>: NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND SAYS HENCE

I honestly don't understand what she means. Hence is English word .....

<Myself>: I didn't ask you for photo, I said the photo you hhad is enough
<Myself>: and also I didn't just say i had to leave
<Girl>: and you keep on defending yourselfe and defending yourself when i said you could start over

(again I am finishing up my last sentence)

<Myself>: i had to go to bible studies
<Myself>: people in the right mind have bible studies too
<Girl>: fine, dont start over
<Myself>: unfortunately I had a bible studies
<Myself>: I were defending myself 15 minutes BEFORE I had to go to bible studies
<Myself>: then 15 minutes passed by
<Myself>: so I had to leave
<Myself>: And I save our conversation
<Myself>: so I read it over
<Myself>: and I DID say I had to go IN 15 MINUTES
<Myself>: BEFORE we agreed to start over
<Myself>: I can send you a copy of yesterday's convesation if you like
<Myself>: I first warned you taht I was going to leave
<Myself>: then I was defending myslef
<Myself>: and then I did have to leave
<Myself>: it was like this
<Myself>: first I was trying to get your attention you didn't respond
<Myself>: so I said I had to go in 15 minutes
<Myself>: then 15 minutes passed
<Myself>: I said I had to leave
<Myself>: you said bye
<Myself>: then I appologised
<Myself>: then you said I creeped you out
<Myself>: then I said why not start it over
<Myself>: then you agreed to start it over
<Myself>: then I said I had to leave anyway
<Myself>: WHICH WAS A REITERATION OF WHAT I HAVE ALREADY SAID
<Myself>: So do you follow it?
<Myself>: I AM REALLY REALLY SORRY
<Myself>: OKAY I EMAILED YOU CONVERSATION IN ITS ENTIRETY
<Myself>: PLEASE READ IT TO SEE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT
<Myself>: AND HOW I SAID I HAD TO GO *BEFORE* WE EVEN DECIDED TO START IT ALL OVER

Last edited by Roman on 18 Mar 2005, 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Roman,

At first, I agreed with you. I do not see why she became offended over the picture issue or the bible studies. You explained yourself in a reasonable manner, and I also see no reason why she would even think you were asking for another picture.

However, when someone tells you to leave them alone or to stop, they mean it. It means you should leave them alone. Your persistence was not making her like you anymore, in fact, it was frustrating her, because you were not listening to her or accepting what she was saying.

Also, saying you are "desparate" is not a good way to get a date. That makes your date wonder how bad you might really be, if you can not get anyone else to go out with you.

Deleted

Last edited by Ante on 09 Nov 2005, 3:31 pm, edited 4 times in total.

coming across as desperate is one of the biggest turn offs for a girl.

You should have left her alone. I know what it's like to be BUGGED and BUGGED by someone, and it's not a nice feeling.

Yah but in this case how would they ever correct their misunderstanding if they don't talk to me? I understand that if I persist I allienate them even more. But if they aren't talking to me anyhow I have nothign to lose anyway.

I think the whole thing about not talking to people you don't like is very shallow. I mean whenever they like you, you have a chance to screw it up. But once they don't like you, oooops, you strike out, you aren't playing any more, no more chances. You see how shallow it is? Due to my Asperger I can't play a ping pong. But NT-s don't realize that life is not about ping pong. HUMAN BEINGS aren't just pawns you can do whatever you want with!! !

So suppose I am just as bad as they think. What the do they have to lose talking to me some more, just to test their assumptions. They will always have a chance to stop talking to me. So why stop talking to me right away? On the other hand, once they stopped talking to me, they can't start talking to me again since they wouldn't be able to change their mind once they aren't talking as they can't get any new info!! !



Accepting what she was saying means agreeing with all her misunderstandings. If I were actually guilty of the crimes she accused me of, it would of been MUCH easier to accept what she did. The very reason I didn't is that I felt very HURT and MISUNDERSTOOD.



Yah but this is a reality. I never got ANY dates, except for my ex-girlfriend. And it isn't just that. I don't even have any aquietences. I don't even know anyone's name in my class. So does it mean I am that bad? Okay, if the answer is yes, what am I supposed to do? For her its easy, she walked away. But I can't walk away from myself. So what am I supposed to do given that I am totally worthless?

And by the way, if you take some drunk from the street who only wants SEX, he getts all the chicks he wants. It doesn't matter that he treats them as toys he can play with. And he doesn't even care about any of them after all he has plenty of dates so who cares if its one date more or one date less, he just plays with ppl and wouldn't care. On the other hand, if you take a really deep, thougthful and caring person like me, for whom those things mean THE WORLD (can you believe me it happened half a year ago and I care SO MUCH about her that I still think about it), then I am ostracised. And thats when I don't smoke nor drink -- I made a commitment not to drink even on holidays. I don't believe in premarital sex, and, most importantly, I am a physics graduate student. However, inability to play a social ping pong would make me strike out before the other person even sees me for me. Social ping pong is more important than how deep, caring and moral person you are!

Ability to make girls is NOT about your internal qualities, its about social ping pong!! ! So how can she assume that just because I never had any dates it means I am that bad. May be I am not bad at all, may be I am just CLUMSY, so due to extreme CLUMSINESS I strike out before I have any more chances...

But why waste your time with someone who clearly does not want to listen or understand you?



Ok, I can understand that. But you only made it worse by pressing her so much.



While I do have friends, I have never been on a date in my entire life (I'm 21 years old). I can sympathize somewhat with your situation, and that is why I am trying to give you advice. If someone acts like this girl was acting, it is not worth your time and frustration to keep trying to convince her that you are a good person. Maybe you are a good person, but if she doesn't want to listen, she's not going to listen, and you can't force her to.



No one said you were worthless. I am just trying to help you.



Well, from what I understand, that is the whole attraction factor. For a real relationship to work, though, it has to be more than just "social ping pong," as you have put it. The people should admire eachother for their internal qualities. Perhaps you just need to find the kind of girl who is willing to look past your "social clumsiness."

Last edited by Civet on 18 Mar 2005, 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It was an instant messanger conversation. Clam down.

It's only the internet, people block people for all sorts of crazy reasons and don't expect people to know or care.

Forget about her and move on.

I agree with it. But the point is that she chose to stop wasting time with me BEFORE that. And this is what makes it unfair. If I push myself then (rightfully) she won't talk to me because I am pushy. If I don't push, then she won't talk to me because she wouldn't bother correcting her assumptions on her own.





Of course I am worthless. After all, if I wasn't, then she would have tried to look further to see whether I have some positives that would balance off the negatives. The reason she didn't look any further or care to listen to my explanation, is that the negatives were SO infinitely bad that nothing can possibly make up for it, so no need to even look.


Well, from what I understand, that is the whole attraction factor. For a real relationship to work, though, it has to be more than just "social ping pong," as you have put it. The people should admire eachother for their internal qualities. Perhaps you just need to find the kind of girl who is willing to look past your "social clumsiness."[/quote]

How can anyone look past social clumsiness if there is such a thing as "striking out". Social clumsinnes is apparent the first moment you walk into the room. Anything else would be apparent only after you spend a while with that person. Thats why first impression thing is so shallow. First impression is all about little things and they make ping pong rule.

Why is that? If someone is desperate, he would understand the value of human being and he would be desperate enoguh to give respect and not treat girls like toys that guys like to play with. I think desperate people are the first ones to be given a chance because THEY are ready for it. They are also the ones who need compassion to ease their frustration, NOT more pain!

no, I think it's more a social stance thing and a security thing. Being desperate is a sign of insecurity.

A strong secure personality attracts females, a guy that's happy with life ect. It's really hard to explain.

Yah, and if someone is insecure, then may be HE is the one who needs companion the most. The secure guy already atracts females, he can do just fine without one more, after all he is secure.

Appart from that, secure people are more likely to treat others as toys they can play with -- it is evidenced by watching the way majority of guys treat their female partners. After all, they are secure so why should they even take a s**t?

I understand the whole staff of man being the strongest in a family, annd the way male species compete for female ones through physical fighting. But the point is that we live in a 21-st century and this is all outdated. Why not choose a nice guy over a secure bastard.

Women do not go out looking for a guy that "needs" them. They have their own needs to fulfill without worrying about filling the needs of someone else, too.

It is all a rather selfish thing, in general, if you ask me. But then, I've never been involved with anyone before, so it's hard for me to understand.

Well that means using people. And then they pretend they love the guy they are with, while in actuality he is simply secure enough to satisfy THEIR needs. If they trully had a capacity to SINCERELY care about someone they might have taken in a consideration other people's needs.

And by the way, isn't it nice if someone needs you? Isn't it better than someone playing games with you?

I would say it is better if someone CARES about you but can't do much about it due to insecurity as opposed to someone who cares less and only pretends to do something because he is so strong that it doesn't take too much of his effort anyway.



Thats precisely the point.

Last edited by Roman on 18 Mar 2005, 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Roman, I hope you will accept my criticism as help, because you need to do a few things different the next time you attempt to contact a girl.

In the situation of first contact, revealing a disability, especially something as complex as AS, is very unwise. It is a guaranteed turn-off. I myself wish I could meet a girl who upon our first meeting understood my problems and then fell madly in love with me. However, I understand that there is practically no possibility of that happening. Telling her that your social flubs are due to a disability that the young girl has probably never heard of will only drive her away and possibly frighten her.

No real communication took place between you and the girl. Most of your conversation with her consisted of you talking about social ineptitude, blaming AS, expounding on a simple misunderstanding, and admitting to being desperate. Using all caps is also highly inappropriate, as the girl now thinks you are screaming at her. Using instant messaging in this case was a bad idea. An email would have been better, as you could have formulated your thoughts with time on your side, rather than the rush-and-reply method of instant messaging.

It is your responsibility to present your positive traits to the girl. You should have told her something good about yourself. You made a mistake, but you can learn from this.

Some suggestions:
a) Do not mention disabilities on first contact!
b) Provide a thoughtful reason why you like a girl’s profile. ‘because I don't like chicks that have make up’ is unacceptable. If you have something in common with her, share it.
c) Ask her something simple about her life: ‘what do you like to do on weekends?’ Where are you from? What would you like to be? Save the in-depth stuff for later. Keep it simple and do your best not to steer the topic towards discussing your social difficulties.
d) You are a physics graduate student – talk about it, but avoid over-informing.

I agree. BUT you have to realize that AT FIRST I tried to explain myself without mentioning asperger. But she chose not to answer. You see, by her non-answering she gave me no choice. I agree that mentioning Asperger OR pushing her, both can be asking for trouble. But she put me in a situation where I am FORCED to mention Asperger AND push her. After all, refraining from it would of led to exact same result -- she wouldn't talk to me, just for a different reason.



How can I say ANY of those if she isn't talking to me? You see, I did X wrong, therefore she isn't talking, therefore she wouldn't listen to a,b,c or d, therefore as a prerequisite for a,b,c, or d, I am forced to go back to X and force it on her.

I think Synchro has given you some good advice. Obviously, it will not help the situation for this girl, but it may be able to help you in the future with a different girl, hopefully *before* you do something that may offend her.