Losing control of my emotions, little more ever day.

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Hello.

I would really like to avoid writing 20+ pages about the entire cause of my issues but I will do a small summery.

1.5 years ago I started talking with a girl on our way to the train station. She's in a few of my classes (still today). We became good school friends but nothing more. I wanted the friendship to stay beyond our school periods so I, unknowingly, pushed her away by being too enthusiastic and clingy. We had a lot of talks and she understands the problems that come with autism, she never blamed me for anything. I just had trouble letting go.

6 months ago the friendship ended. Which was probably for the best. However the months that followed I have been getting increasingly jealous and angry (furious even) about the way she socialises with someone new. She already has a boyfriend, and the reason I had to back off mostly was because I wanted to do too many nice things for her. It's why we never could share phone numbers or go for a drink/eat together.

However, this new friend she has, she does those things with. They seem very close, she laughs at all his jokes, he looks at her like I see in movies when people are in love. She pushes her body forward when they're close. They touch each others things (like papers, writing equipment etc). He touches her sometimes.

It makes me very angry that I couldn't do such things and yet she does the same stuff! How is this fair. The problem I'm having is, those feelings of jealousy and anger are becoming a bigger problem every day. I have no idea how to control them (other than running away and going for a walk) The last time I got them, the walk didn't work. It took 36hours before I calmed down. I haven't felt these emotions since I was a child. I do not know how to cope with them.


I'm planning to have the school counsellor (who has been a major help with talking and guidance for us both) talk to her one last time to explain the issues I've been having, and see if we can all three sit together so I can ask what the deal is with her and that guy. I believe I need to know the truth, whether I'm right and it is unfair (and tell her it's unfair!) or I'm wrong. Hopefully knowing what it is instead of guessing will help me control my emotions trough understanding. Like fear, I get rid of fears by understanding what it is I'm afraid of.

Does anyone else have any tips to help me control this better. Any input on my situation? Is it possible I'm seeing things. Am I allowed to become angry at feeling betrayed (the unfairness part of it) It feels like lies and betrayal. I trusted her! She's actually a really nice and intelligent person. But she's still a person, and no one is perfect. Perhaps she doesn't realise how she behaves with him?

It's difficult to accept this every time it happens, but you have to remind yourself that she is her own person and you're not entitled to her attention, care or time in any way, much like one cannot have the same expectations from you. It is tough.

This is another reason I gaveup on reships.

I cannot take this anymore.

I have had to erase girls from my head to
make myself not hate them.

At that point they are worthless to me,
they don't care about me so how can I
have any power to care about them?

I wish I cood erase them from your head
if you wanted, if I cood, I would do it.

I am also losintg control, every time someone
abuses me, I am having seizures now, or outbursts/blackouts
that I cannot remember.

I am better off to stay in my playroom where it is safe.

I'd advise against the talk with her and her boyfriend. You're not friends anymore, and she is not responsible for your emotions. It'd be pretty inappropriate. Instead, try and find another way to deal with it. I don't have any suggestions, unfortunately.

I'd advice against the talk as well. I think it would be a better idea for you to see the school counseller by yourself and tell him how you are feeling, it might be good for you to talk to someone about your anger, they might be able to help.

Perhaps then you could move on and try to put this girl behind you.

I have put this girl behind me. Usually my days at home are good. She's not in my mind all the time or anything. The only problem I have is when I see her and that guy together. I need to figure out why I feel those emotions. I have way too many questions regarding them. I'm having this talk with her today, at the school consoler. She's going to be there too do mediate. The only thing I hope to gain is answers to those questions. I believe they will help me understand the reasons of those emotions. For all I know I could be feeling jealous and angry for the wrong reasons (things that aren't there!). I see signals in their behaviour, yet I know I'm 9 our of 10 times wrong in translating those signals. So I have to know what it is I'm seeing.

I don't want to have this conversation though, but I feel I need to. It's a descision I took that I'm sticking with. I know it's a bit unfair, but this once I want to make my own well-being and feelings a priority, because If I don't, I fear I may lose myself.

We had a talk and I got to ask those questions I've been having. She answered honestly and was very patient with me. I'm so glad I got to do this. I got a week holiday now, so I can contemplate over this and process it all. She was very afraid that I was going to try and 'fix' it hoping we could be friends again. So she was very happy when I didn't. She said the conversation went a lot better than she expected. She seemed very happy at the end. I think everything will be aright now. Time will tell though. Jealousy is something I'm going to have to learn to live with. Haven't felt that in over 15 years.

I'm so glad it went well.