When to let the cat out of the bag

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I have an eleven year old daughter with aspergers. She is just now starting to ask questions about her anxiety at school with being around the others in her class. "Why am I so shy?"....."I want to talk...but nothing comes out"...She will ask me. During lunch break she always hangs out with her brother who is two grades below her. He can't take it anymore. He wants to be with his freinds & not have his big sister there to tell him everything he's doing wrong. She is very outgoing when it comes to telling her brother what to do no matter where she is. Anyway...When is a good time to sit with her & let her in on her condition?

I think now that your daughter is starting to ask questions about her issues, it would be best not to wait any longer to tell her the diagnosis. I think that by giving her a reason why she has difficulties with certain behaviors will help her feel a little more self-confident. If she does not know what reason she has trouble with these things, she may feel like she is "wierd" or "stupid". Yes, I understand that some children feel "different" when told they have AS, however, if she is starting to realize that her behavior is different then the other kids and cannot figure out why, she is more likely to blame herself and get depressed. By giving her the name of her condition, it helps her understand WHY things are different for her, and she will feel more comfortable asking her family questions about the different issues that are bothering her. Also, you can see if she would be interested in taking social classes that specifically deal with AS and children with social troubles, and helping her learn and understand more about the people around her.

My nephew is 8 years old, and while his parents haven't directly told him he has AS, he has been told that he understands things a little differently than many other people do. Since he has come to this realization, I have noticed an increased confidence in him asking questions about appropriate social behavior and other similar issues. He now feels like "ok, so I don't quite understand something, but I can find out how do deal with it" as opposed to feeling that he was just strange for not understanding things that other people took for granted. It has also allowed us to gently correct him if we see him doing a behavior that is not considered socially correct, or appear "weird" without him getting mad at us and feeling like we are picking on him. For example, he headbangs alot for comfort, and we have been able to tell him that we understand his headbanging and that it comforts him, but that if he did that behavior around school or other kids, the children might find it unusual. This has helped him immensely, and has helped to make him aware of some of the things he does, so that he does not get picked on in school for them. (He always feels like people are laughing at him, and he gets embarrassed easily, so he's happy if we correct him on this, so that the other kids won't laugh at him. He knows he can continue his "stims" whenever he is not in public, and no one will bother him or laugh at him.

I know there have been numerous discussions about weather or not to tell your child he/she has AS. But I believe that however long a parent chooses to wait, once the child starts to realize that things seem "different" to them, or questioning why other people find their behavior odd, that parents should not wait any longer to tell their children the truth.

if she's asking now, then now is the time to say something

Heya, I was 11 when I found out about my Asperger Syndrome and it was such a relief to know what was 'different' about me. I knew I was different, some people saw me as naughty, but I never tried to be naughty, I never meant to be naughty and it made me so depressed that I couldn't explain myself. When I knew I had AS, it explained it all and it gave me much more confidence to go on as 'myself'. I never told anyone in my class, that was my decision, because I didn't want to have any bullying from it. So I think when you tell your daughter, it may be a good idea to sit down and also discuss where to go from here, who does she want to know, and who does she wish not to?

^ Agreed - it'd be a good idea to tell her so she knows whats different with her.

The answer is - right now - and be prepared for the reaction!

It will be a relief for the both of you, when all is said and done. Be prepared for the many questions, have the information available so that your daughter will need to grasp the concept, and be prepared for an adverse reaction too. My son was told two years ago and is still coming to terms with this thing. But I am still glad he has been told, he now knows there is a reason why he acts the way he does, even if at this stage it is out of his control. Mine has anxiety issues too which are far worse than the Aspergers.

This is only my opinion, but I think you owe it to her to tell her.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I agree, now's the time. My son is 6 and we're already talking about it. His self-awareness lightbulb, so to speak, are his meltdowns. He'll have moments in the middle of a tantrum where he'll ask me why he can't stop. I started telling him about the AS after the first time he did that. We talk about it when we have to correct his behavior toward other people, too. We're constantly reminding him about his tone of voice and telling him that it's ok to feel the way he feels about things, but not ok to be rude, controlling, etc. He's beginning to understand that the AS is the reason why he sometimes has trouble dealing with people or situations and why he has sensory issues. We've laid the groundwork for him to learn everything he can about it when he's ready.

Definitely tell her. She already knows the problems the Asperger's is causing for her; she might even be relieved to know there's an actual reason for those problems.

Hi,

I can't advize what you should/shouldn't do but I think it may come as a bit of a relief to your daughter to perhaps know and learn about Asperger's?

My son who's 12 in March has been told little and often about A.S gradually over the last 5 years.

I think it's good to let him understand that we are all different in many way's and that some are good in some area's and others struggle in other area's - Aspies suffer very low self esteem and us as parents can help our children to feel as good and equal as everyone else and not to be ashamed or embarrassed about feeling different to others.

It may be worth showing your daughter a book on Asperger Syndrome - A simple one to start is: Can I tell you about Asperger Syndrome By Jude Welton although when my son read it he felt sorry for the person and said it reminded him of himself

Good Luck with whatever you deside - keep us posted on your outcome,
Love & Best Wishes
Rach

You should have told her a long time ago. Telling her won't help her, but she has a right to know.

If she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know.


I tend to tell people things early on - stops them finding out later and getting *really* mad because they weren't told, right?

I have a friend with Aspergers and ADHD. Both were diagnosed when he was a child but he was only told about the ADHD then, and the Asperger's just a couple of years ago. He is very cross with his parents that they knew he had Asperger's for about 10 years and never told him.

So, I think telling this girl about having Aspergers is the best way to go, and as soon as possible. I never knew why I was so awkward socially and got so anxious because nothing much was know about Aspergers when I grew up, but it would have been so helpful to know it wasn't all my fault and I wasn't stupid and a freak.

It's kinda young to be telling her that, besides you realize the brain is still developing at that age, who's to say what'll happen when she gets older. From a psychological standpoint the very fact she's asking you specific questions like that indicates to me you may be unconsiously signaling her to these ideas. Afterall whens the last time you heard a child so concerned over that kind of thing? They usually don't care...

I'd be cautious, as my therapist told me once "diagnosis isn't as important as treatment" and also my favorite "be careful on how you view others, it's not always so black and white, this way or that".

the earlier the better i say

For wrong, or right, I'm not sure, but I've delayed telling my son so far. He hasn't asked, although he attends social skills classes with the word AUTISM all over the place. He seems to be doing well right now without the full knowledge. I have talked about this subject with numerous people, and although I am very tempted to tell him, I've talked with others who have not told their children until they were close to college age, and their children expressed gratitude that they did NOT know previously because then they would have used the knowledge as an excuse to not do well.

I am sure that not all children would feel that way. I think that as parents we have to constantly reassess the situation, and go with our gut instincts as to when the child would most benefit from the knowledge. I constantly wonder about when to tell my son, and how to tell him, but in reality I think he already knows at some level.

Kris

I took me 6 months to bring the subject of Asperger's up with my Mother. The main reason was that I was afraid that she knew and had never told me. I have a hard time initiating conversation with anyone, paticularly if the topic may be percieved as less that pleasant chit chat, I'm sure this is the case with some (but not all) other Aspies. Just because I'm too freaked out to ask the question, doesn't mean I don't want the answer.

And on that thought wouldn't it be great if sometimes mothers could be mind readers?