How did you describe your ASD traits to yourself before Dx?

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Before you understood what ASD was or that you had it, how did you explain your ASD traits to yourself or others?

Personally, these were some of the most prominent explanations I came up for myself:

- I somehow lack the "social module" that most people seem to be born with, thus causing my social confusion and inadequacy. It never made sense to me when people said to "relax" or "just be yourself" in social situations, because I seemed to lack the "social autopilot" that apparently kicks in for most people when they "stop thinking about things" and "let loose."

- I am an alien/I am dreaming/I am in a computer simulation/I am a robot, or variations thereof. Of course I did not literally believe such things, but they helped me reconcile the differences between the external world and other people with my own internal world.

- I am too weak, too sensitive, too picky, etc. This would explain why I always seemed to misread other peoples' intentions, find certain sounds unbearable, or take things too seriously that no one else cared about. Life would be easier if I could figure out how to "toughen up." [In reality, this lead to the development of my avoidant and schizoid tendencies, as well as severe social isolation.]

I would be interested in what explanations other folks on the spectrum used to rationalize their behaviors.

Before my introduction to Asperger's everything seemed completely logical;

I have worn the exact same style Nike tennis shoes for 30 years, Nike Cortez, white on white, (although I use to wear the blue or red swoosh, now it always the white one. I argued simply I liked them, they fit well and they still make them why shouldn’t I keep buying them. I always have a good pair and an old pair for yard work.

I have always worn Levis 501 Button Fly jeans. I argued they fit me best and I liked the way the feel. After all they have been making them since the late 1800's, they are a classic.

I always wore 100% cotton button down oxford shirts because I like the way they look on me. In fact going through family photos several years ago some one noticed that my attire was exactly the same in all the Christmas photos from the time I was about 15 on, I am 47.

I made an argument for cotton being the perfect and only fabric that should be used for clothes. Especially socks I found Wigwam socks about 25 years ago and have worn nothing since.

I would argue I know what I like why vary from what works.

I have recognized for years I was a little OCD, rugs and cabinet doors drive me nuts. My wife actually got rid of all the throw rugs in the house so she wouldn’t have to watch me straighten them out. Then she got rid of the area rug in the living room because I took the time to keep all the little tassels straight. My thought was even though it was a little OCD who can complain about having straight rugs.

Being self-employed allowed me to avoid a lot of the political problems in work situations so I may have accidentally missed alot of things that would have been issues there. Although my wife has said for years she didn’t think I would be able to work for anybody else anymore.

I often made the argument that all of my little idiosyncrasies were manifestations of pure and simple logic, and have often wondered why others found it so weird. I have always felt comfortable being me and was never concerned about being popular. I am now wondering how much is me being me and how much is driven by the Aspie wiring.

I wasn't weird, everyone else was weird.

My Mom figured out I was an Aspiie early, but didn't tell me. Instead she told me - and my teachers - that I was ADD, as that is a seemingly similar but less prejudiced-against problem, and she didn't want Aspergers on my record to mess with my career. So, Until I figured it out (at 25), I 'knew' I was ADD, and otherwise just delighted in being weird, for the most part. The really 'irrational' things I did my best to explain away or forget - such as crying myself to sleep for a month before going to college because I was terrified of the thought of never sleeping in my room again. I've been lucky, and so far, at every stage of my life, have been able to find at least one person open-minded enough to accept my oddities and become a close friend. Spending time here, I'm discovering just how lucky that is.

How did I describe my ASD traits to before DX?

"Standing on the outside, looking in."

It still feels as if I'm outside of a transparent global habitat, looking in toward everyone else having normal lives, but at least now I know why.

"I was homeschooled"

What I now know to be OCD things I used to call stress or just general anxiety.

As for autism related things, a lot of that I kind of chalked up to being eccentric. I was very involved with drawing for a large period of my life, and being eccentric seemed to play hand in hand with other's expectations of my behaviour as being typical of an 'art person'.

I didn't think of myself as peculiar, rather I thought everyone else was weird and I was normal. It was only when I become entwined with the psychiatric wing of the hospital that I started to realize something was incongruent between reality and my perception of the world to that point. It's easy to go through life ignoring your problems and rationalizing things you do. When faced with a list of all of those things, on paper, being read to you by a neuropsychologist, world view shifts, just a bit.

This resonates fairly well with my own experience. The frustrating part of this is knowing that, despite feeling on the outside of everything, you must still act as if you are inside to some degree. It's an odd feeling.

Were you really?

"That's just me".

Actually, yes. My second neuropsychiatrist wonders if, in my case, I merely have NVLD, which homeschooling magnified into full-blown Autism Spectrum Disorder. Of course, I planted this seed because a lot about me just doesn't fit with anything in the DSM.

She doesn't say it like that but recognizes that clinical diagnoses operate without respect to causes, and I truly meet all the criteria for ASD.

I was told I was demon-possessed when I was a teenager and was consciously choosing not to accept God's healing. I dunno if that had anything to do with developing social isolation and schizoid tendencies that led to an ASD DX.

But this is way off the topic of the thread.

Last edited by Tyri0n on 17 Feb 2013, 9:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thats how I felt from age 3 or 4 however I never saw anything different about me ever until it was pointed out almost a decade later so I never discribed anything other then my displasure with the others. I must of sounded and looked real silly then but I felt natural becouse I was.

I didn't. I didn't even know what I had and I didn't even know I had something. But I knew I was different.

I said things like "I don't know right from wrong." "I don't know when it's okay to do something" "I don't know how a 6th grader is supposed to act" 'What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I be normal?" "Why can't I be like everyone else?" "I wish I could trade my brain for a different brain" "If I am so normal, then why am I different from everybody?" "If lot of kids get picked on, then how come I don't see it everyday at school?" "if I am so smart, then why am I so stupid?" "Why am I an easy target to get picked on?" "why do I get treated different?" "Why is it okay for them to do that but not me?" Plus I was labeled weird by my peers and a show off. Kids also thought I was mean and rude. Kids even thought I was ret*d or stupid.

I couldn't describe them. I just kept saying I don't understand people; I am unable to express my feelings; I am dying on the inside as I keep a straight face and maintain eye contact. Doctors would call me a liar, my Therapist shared that she wanted to toss me out of her office initially as she couldn't get me and then she realized it was Asperger's, I simply didn't know how to put it into words; then after being diagnosed I could explain it completely; I could explain the emotional disconnect; I could explain missing social cues and shockingly I could explain my extreme sensitivity to bright light that pissed off my eye doctor during examinations when I would tear up heavily because I couldn't handle the light. Also my sensitivity to being touched on the shoulder or tapped; I always snapped. It could be a hot girl and I would get upset; it was really irritating not knowing and thinking the things I couldn't stand were just because I was a weirdo.

Last edited by mrL on 17 Feb 2013, 11:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

A couple of things:

-My impulsive need to always have something in my hand.
-Frequent outbursts (especially at a younger age)
-Inability to make eye contact
-Concentrated and not broad interests
-Behavior that sometimes edged on the border of being inappropriate.
-Hard time interacting with peers my own age.

Can't think of anything else at this time.

Didn't know how to get along with other people and didn't understand why I didn't know how to get along with other people and didn't even care.

Being in my own world was so natural to me that I was oblivious to my isolation.

But in my isolated bubble I considered myself an introverted nerd who liked thinking about things and being analytical and getting obsessed with nerdy interests.

Last edited by Marybird on 17 Feb 2013, 11:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.