What is right and what is wrong?

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I have been friends with my wife for at least twenty years before we got married. It was a quiet affair, since we were both in our late forties. Dina left her parental home at the age of 39 for the first time. A Professional by day, and a lone melancholic by night, passionate about aeroplanes, and will of steel my heart was stolen the day I set eyes on her. Her self sufficiency was very attractive, and I experienced the lack of neediness or clinginess as a sign of woman who can hold her own.

I had three long-term relations during the twenty years, but my heart was with Dina, and I owed it to myself and my partners to be clear about who my soul mate was. I tried to avoid the subject, or deal with at as gently and honestly as possible, so that my partners could make informed decisions about their own choices. I had my fair share of joy love and friendship during these relationships, and it is only in hindsight that I can come to the conclusion that those partners were equally unready for a closer emotional relationship, hence the preparedness to settle for what I like to term "second-best" All of them accepted that it is okay to have a soul mate, with whom you could not be due to destiny, and to be honest about it was better than to live a lie.

Our marriage started souring soon after the wedding. Dina insisted on staying at her parental home for four nights of the week, only coming home from Friday nights. Her "dream" job had to revolve around aeroplanes, and over the years it had become the centre of our lives. I tried very hard to please her, and keep the balance of honesty in terms of my dreams and goals, hers, and those which we cherished for the marriage. It took a tremendous amount of upheaval to try and understand why Dina showed such a disdain and downright flouting of agreements surrounding our marriage responsibilities and joys. The strangest to experience were all the times we would courteously discuss and agree upon a way forward, only to see the same behaviour displayed of a person who seemed to be living the life of a single person.

The most difficult part of everything for me was to reconcile the gentle kind person to the selfish and cruel person who blatantly lived a single life without a concern for agreements. Soon, my family members started disappearing from the scene, and stopped visiting altogether. I started isolating myself, and after two nervous breakdowns, I was at a complete loss. I took anti depressants and went for tonnes of council ling. And Dina remained oblivious, happy in love with the idea of marriage, but not with me or the marriage.

I was fortunate enough to be with a councillor who helped me with approaching Dina physically to develop a semblance of touch. Sexually, there was a long period of discovering what brought us joy and fullfillment, a and we are still happy in that. It was the times in between which I loathed, wanting to shower her with touch, massages, personal pedicures, or gentle stroking, cuddling in winter nights, or reaching out and holding during times of crisis or joy. The rebuff was always kind, gentle and without reproach. Just enough to let me know without a doubt that it was the opposite of what she wanted. At the same time, I felt at such a loss, and started becoming very lonely. I did not take it personally, but I did recognize my needs to experience this type of interaction. Unfortunately, vulnerability is a requirement for interaction like this. The therapist who guided me through a slow process of reaching out by miniscule actions over a period, suggested that I might want to look at the symptoms of a person living with Adult Asperser’s syndrome.

In June 2012 Dina was diagnosed with Adult Asperser’s. She started treatment immediately, and the past seven months have been the most peaceful period we have experienced.

The issues of trust are still of great concern to me, especially in terms of commitments to each other. I still do not take it personally. I have learnt for myself that the way Dina is is a special way, and there is no right or wrong in it. It does require super human insight and patience, and sometimes I falter on the side of hope.

Dina's health is not of the best, she eats what she wants and how she wants, and only one thing at a time. Needless to say that a balanced diet is out of the question, and has been impossible to negotiate. I try my best to ensure there is variety at all times, and I leave her to be. She has agreed to take her cholesterol medication, and she only agreed after I explained many times what would happen if I stopped taking my blood pressure tablets. She refuses any physical activity, and I accept her wishes as is. I am not in love with her body, but with her beautiful qualities first, then her features. She is body shy, and I focus on her features which she is most proud or comfortable with.

Regarding the most important things I trust her irrevocably. She loves me for how she can love, and believe me, that is to the end of the world. Of that I am certain.

How we are going to make it in to the futore, is what I am less certain of. That we have showed and shared resolve, care, love, cameradie and tonnes of fun are only some of the reasons which give me more surety. She is always up for fun, always there to support me in my hopes and dreams, and she is the one person I will not take with me to go to war, for the world needs people like her very much.

I know if I can find a way so that whatever we agree, can rather be disagreed about rather than to denied or ignore agreements blatantly, both of us will find it much easier to communicate our daily hopes, needs and preferences, and to give shape to our future dreams with confidence.

I can only imagine the difficult path Dina has chosen in a marriage, when a single lifestyle would have been much easier to cope with. Dina insists that it is hard work, but well worth it, and makes life much more meaningful. She still does not want friends, but has learnt to be a social butterfly whenever the situation requires. She is an elegant and attentive host, and the myriad of obstacles in married life is a monument to her intelligence, her diligence, and solid character.

Why do I keep on feeling that I am doing wrong by her? My first responsibility is towards myself; otherwise, if I neglect these responsibilities, I cannot apply myself fully to the responsibilities and joys which come with having a partner, and a relationship. As I have it, in a marriage there are three parties, you, the partner, and the relationship which takes on its own boundaries and responsibilities. The very word describes the actions which are supposed to take place: a response. We have learnt to step aside from what the norm prescribes these so called responses are to be, and shaped and accepted and grew our responses to our needs in a caring way.

The responses relating to believability in agreements still leave me drained and frightened. It is a vestige of Dina, a self defensive mechanism which I dare not override, lest I change who she is. I accept that. But somewhere, in between all of this, how will I know when she means yes and when she means "no"? I also accept this question is probably asked in millions of marriage council ling sessions around the planet today, regardless of any labels being involved. Is this about Asperser’s is this about plain dishonesty, is this about anti-social behaviour, and if so, what can I do to help us?

It is very hard to not take it personally, but it is also the only sane thing to do. Beyond that, I ask the question, is this right or wrong that I choose to live like this? I answre it that it is easy to make up my mind about this, but will Dina ever be clear about the question, and more so the resulting answer? Ho can I belive her-for her sake-?
* Dina is a name I used to protect her beautiful identity.

I'm not sure you'll get the answers you seek in this forum. If the thread flounders feel free to ask me to move it to "In-Depth Adult Life Discussion" where older, married members tend to participate more.

One thing, threads on this site are searchable on Google, so if that is the real name of your wife you may want to edit your post replacing it with a pseudonym.

Regarding your post I'm not sure what advice to offer. Essentially it seems to me that your needs and those of your wife are somewhat incompatible. Despite your obvious love and devotion towards her I can't help thinking you'd be better off with someone more compatible.