I deleted 99% of my AIM buddylist

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I ended up deleting like 250+ people. Down to 3 I still talk to regularly, one that comes on once a year maybe for 20 minutes.

One person I got into contact with again, he blocked me. I saw him on another SN and asked him why, he said I talk too much about myself and things other people don't care about. I realized the online friends didn't disappear, they probably all blocked me, because I'm an annoying idiot. I used to be very outgoing online, I make posts here but rather rarely PM, almost never contact anyone outside of PM and am mostly afraid to make friends on this site, as I fear I'll just repeat the same thing. I used to be a lot more outgoing before my DX and me accepting it.

Besides that, though, figuring out how socially awkward you actually are/were now that you have an AS diagnosis... The past. It's like I deleted my adolescence, by deleting all those people. All gone. It brought back a lot of memories. It's hard going through them all. You remember, too, how big of a complete idiot/as*hole you were when you were younger, too.

I remember my first messageboard ever. It's dead now. Long dead. Part of me wants to buy the domain. I don't know s**t about programming and how I'd even use it. But just as a mimento (sp?)

Part of me wants to hold onto the past, and clutch it. Part of me wants to abandon it all. Who cares about the past? I look around my room, my house, the past surrounds me. Mostly with bitter sweet memories. I look through things like a book people had to write comments about me for in 7th grade. Why do I keep that? It's meaningless, right? I don't know anyone from my 7th grade homeroom class anymore, right? Who cares. But my memories still stay. I still remember the girl I liked all those years ago. f**k, that's almost a decade now. Why do I remember such things?

Why do I keep reminders? What's the point? Even things like listening to 90s eurodance or Russian pop, I probably do it a lot just to remember my childhood. Why? Live in the now, right? I love surrounding myself with old things. With my buddylist, you know, it's AIM. Nobody uses AIM. I still do. Because the past. I don't even like watching new anime anymore. I pretty much only watch stuff I'd have wanna watched as a kid, if that makes sense. Some of my friends want me to watch new anime, but I just wanna rewatch, say, Outlaw Star again, because I liked it as a kid.

I don't know, it's not a ramble with a lot of point. It's tough, looking back at the past. All the past. In some ways it has no relation to the present or future, in others it does. I wish I could just forget, not keep things from the past. Throw the past out. It took me YEARS to throw those "buddies" away, some had been on for a decade now. I don't know if I'll feel better or worse.

Why do I have such an attachment with the past? Why's it even matter?

I think you look to the past for emotional security.

You need to look to the future to develop. I had the same mindset as your a long time ago, then i decided to throw away most (most, not everything) things that did not matter anymore. I gave away lots of computergames and stuff (my friends probably thought i was finally gonna kill myself), and i felt much better. I could now get new stuff and focus on the future.

Remember that things are just things and contacts on the internet are just pieces of data hosted on some server far far away, maby even in another country. If a person isnt talking to you, or have told you he/she moved on to facebook, why keep their contacts?

Yeah, Ichinin is right. Plus AIM is pretty dead as it is, it's easy enough to communicate through Facebook chat without needing a program and there are a lot of other IMs that are better or more convenient than AIM.

I know exactley what you mean. I look back on my failed interpersonal relationships (I was just recently diagnosed in the past year or so) and have a lot of regrets. What's made it easier to move forward is that I realized that I never got security from my past but I have gotten some sembelence of it in the present and potentially the future.

I see facebook as a neccesarry evil. It's a good networking tool and god knows I need the help.

AIM still exists?

I can relate to this.

I used to be very outgoing online too, up until about a decade ago. The time in-between has sort of been a dead zone, with fits and starts.

Like you, I eventually lost people's interest because I would talk a lot about things they couldn't think about or agree with.

At times I get nostalgic about having lost so many connections, which is why I maintain a profile on LinkedIn even though I don't work in my old industry anymore.

Dealing with memories of people you once knew (essentially now "ghosts") is always hard, for me anyway. There's a temptation to "give it one more try", but I'm learning that NT people preach that philosophy but don't really mean it.

Facebook may or may not be helpful to you. I find that it helps me psychologically to have all those contacts listed in one place, but I have most people's posts blocked and hardly ever read what they say, and I'm afraid to post most things in case people respond badly!! !

You're not alone though, that's important to remember.