my son is so sad

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My son is 25, he was diagnosed with PDD when he was 5. At first he was pretty much in his own little world. Then he started noticing a few years ago, that people had relationships outside of family. He tries to make friends and gets shot down. I try to help him with what to say, how to act. He had social skills classes in school. He is the nicest person, but sometimes he says the wrong thing. No one forgives him for it. He is so lonely and I don't know what else to do to help him. He met girls online, playing online games, they would be friends for a while, then they all say the same thing. He makes them uncomfortable, please don't ever contact again. He is afraid to make friends with guys because in middle school he was attacked and sexually harrassed. He just told me about this. He's quiet and never talked about school, even though I knew he was lonely there and people ignored him, I tried my best to make up for it at home. I sent him a link to this website and anything else I think is helpful. I try to buoy his spirits every five minutes it seems. He just wants a friend but he doesn't know how to keep them. It's breaking my heart to see him in so much pain, no matter how much I try to help him. He is stubborn as well. Won't try new things, and is convinced he will be alone forever. And there are people who do consider him a friend but he takes no notice of them. I don't know what to do anymore. I will always help him as much as I can. but it's to the point where my help isn't making anything better. please advise. thank you

I feel so much for him; a few years ago I felt the same way he does. What has helped me most is therapy and medication.

Is your son in any type of therapy? He definitely needs help regarding the attack and sexual harrassment; it may be affecting the way he talks to girls as well as making him avoid seeking male friendship.

This is not the first time I've heard of parents not finding out about traumatic things that happened to their children in school. It's shame and fear that keeps kids from talking, as well as the wish just to forget. I kept things from my mother, I know, even though she was one of the most caring and involved mothers you could ever meet. You have to know what's going on before you can help. *hugs*

I have no helpful advise but I wanted to say you seem like a wonderful father and he is lucky to have you.

A couple of things which have helped me regarding social skills,

it's really the zen art of undertrying, and I'm not sure that's going to be apparent in a class which makes it awkward and clumsy,

I try to be open to appreciating other people, as they are

I realize that many people are already 'friended' up (not looking for additional friends). So that makes the skills, even with a light touch, more like percentage baseball.

In a matter-of-fact way, I can try to organize my own events. That is, I kind of skip the nebulous fellowship skills, and the hanging out and small talk skills (which I'm not that interested in any way), and jump straight to the good stuff of low-key leadership, which I'm more interested in.

I try and let a medium mistake just remain a medium mistake.

And if a person needs space, I go ahead and give them space without the intermediary step of asking whether they 'should' need space.

And I realize that 'normal' people (and no such thing as 'normal' anyway and how boring the world if there were! ) can have gaps in their skills and make mistakes, too.

Or, be mean or dismissive to some extent.

This looks like a contradiction at the end of your post?

I can't have friends either, and it's not the end of the world, nor cause to live in constant sadness.

Are there any adult Autism Spectrum groups for support or socialization where you live?
I wonder if different areas have Autism groups for adults to go to for support, friends, interaction?

Have you talked to him about which types of thing are TMI or socially inappropriate (especially when it comes to girls). As a female you will have deep knowledge of what types of thing will scare a woman off, what rate of approach feels comfortable etc. Impart that knowledge to him. Make some adult (I don't mean x-rated!) social stories with picture cards, and get him to practice putting them into the correct order. When he gets it wrong, tell him what is wrong and why, and how it should be.

It's really important that you ensure he is aware of what is sexually inappropriate behaviour and what isn't. He could say or do something that gets him in hot water with authorities if he inadvertently misbehaves.

Is there an Aspie or autism group in your locality he can join? That would be good because everyone will have the same problem about social faux pas and being blunt. He might even meet a girlfriend there.

Did you point out the sub-forums on WP, such as the social skills one, the romance and dating one to him?

Tell him he is not alone, there are lots of people like him out there, it's just that there are even more who aren't. He needs to gain some perspective, as he may be feeling as if he's alone in the world with his issues.

does he only consider them friends because he finds them attractive?

Yeah, maybe just a general group for adults with special needs if there's no ASD one.

sorry-got impatient with my computer -multiple post.

sorry-multiple post.

Last edited by daydreamer84 on 31 Mar 2013, 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can help with advise here.

If he joins a history re-enactment group, that gets heavily involved in re-creating history, metal weapons and the like, really involved. You will find that a lot of the members are on the spectrum, and he will fit in well.

The other alternative it an Aspie support group.

I suspect that he's trying too hard, try to get him into a group, and the rest will just happen.

I hope he will give this forum a try. It's helped me a lot.

You are a wonderful parent.

Hi. I am an older woman, 70, who has raised two daughters, the oldest one almost 50, and there have been all kinds of problems as we all have unusual minds, and I was kind of handicapped, to say the least when, they were children..My heart is practically breaking when I read your message, and a great compassion goes out to you for what you are suffering and what your son is suffering. There is nothing sadder than seeing ones own child or even any child suffering and feeling oneself helpless to do anything about it. I think the next five years are very important because in the twenties the mind is still quite young and flexible, and young people tend to get kind of fixed and more rigid as they enter their thirties. This is perhaps because they have left their parents home, both physically and by that age, also psychologically, and also they are getting fixed in their careers, though I do not know if it would apply to your son as it sounds like he may still be living at home...

I am not sure, but I may have something to offer. The first thing is you need to perhaps begin to focus more on yourself. taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself and making yourself happy, and gradually this could begin to have a profound effect on your son. So, if he talks to you about his troubles, listen deeply but do not try to fix him by offering a suggestion (unless he asks for one). Though I understand it is natural for a mother to try to help her child, it can, as you seem to suspect, build up resistance. Have faith that your child may be more resilient then you think and may have more inner resources to be discovered and tapped than either you or he at present realize.

I also suggest some kind of support program for yourself and some kind of spiritual life of any religion or none, if not religion than some form of humanistic activity such as volunteer work that a warm and and loving community has formed around. I do not know if you could get your son to participate in such, but if you participate and are growing and learning, it will surely in some way affect him. Best to just lay off for a while and focus on yourself. It is amazing what kind of miracles can begin to flower out of this. Will perhaps write more later with some more suggestions and give some of my ideas on autism which are apparently not in line with the thinking of very many but not all of the participants on Wrong Planet. love, littlebee

Has he been doing anything to treat his depression or PDD?

If you're unaware, there's a strong link between diet & degree of symptoms.

60% of us are said to be gluten (wheat/many grains) &/or casein (dairy) intolerant.

75% of us are said to be salicylate acid sensitive (most fruits/veggies/herbs/spices etc).

I've had great success in treating myself by changing my diet.

Please feel free to Private Message me here if you, or your son, would like to discuss any of this - especially if he's willing to try changing up his diet to see if it benefits him all around. Then if he's thinking & feeling better for it, everything in life becomes easier, including socializing.