Question for female Aspies regarding dating

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Hello everyone. I'm a professional screenwriter and NT, and I'm writing a screenplay in which the lead character is a female with AS.

The movie is a romantic comedy, and I would like some help from this community in crafting the character. Although it's a comedy, I want it to be based in reality. (It is NOT a broad crazy comedy like the ones with the words "National Lampoon" in the title. Mine is a smart, warmhearted film.)

The woman in the movie is young, 21 years old, a brilliant computer programmer, and she's never been in a serious romantic relationship. A really great guy falls for her, but she's reluctant to get involved because of her upbringing and lack of dating skills. Also, her special interest (programming) keeps her very busy.

So, what I would like to know is if there are any women on this forum who could offer me some insight into their dating/romantic life and how ASD has impacted it, for better or for worse.

Feel free to send me a private message if you'd rather not post publicly. Of course, I'll keep your answers anonymous.

I look forward to reading about your experiences. You can tell me things like:
-- what is a typical first date like?
-- do you tell NT guys about ASD right away or later? Or never?
-- do you date NTs or only others with ASD?
-- what are the common misconceptions about women with ASD and dating?
-- are you ever embarrassed about ASD or are you proud?
-- have you ever had a guy reject you because of ASD?
-- what have guys really loved about you that was part of your ASD?
-- do you have any funny stories, something that made you laugh?
-- any sad or disappointing stories?
-- if you're dating successfully now, is there any advice you'd give younger women with ASD?
-- whatever else you want to share about your dating life.
-- tell me what bugs you about the way ASD characters are portrayed in movies/TV. I want to avoid those!

BTW, my movie has a happy ending, so anything sad/depressing/frustrating I incorporate into the script will be overcome by the end.

Thanks again for your help!

-- David

I once complimented a first date on his "sweatshirt", but it was actually a sweater. he didn't take it kindly, making fun of my blouse "T-shirt".

I wouldn't reveal my AS until I knew someone for a few months.

advice to other female aspies is don't give up and don't be afraid to ask guys out. i asked lots of guys out as well as getting asked out. i learned from my dating mistakes. I asked a co-worker out and now we're married.

Last edited by cathylynn on 05 Mar 2013, 12:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

One time a guy invited me for ice cream. We got ice cream and went over to his place and he told me about himself and his family. We sat on the edge of his bed looking at photography books together. He also tried to make me watch The Office, and I got extremely bored and couldn't wait to leave. But since I had almost zero friends and he had a car, he was really useful. We had a couple dinners together also. Once, in my nervousness and confusion about why we were sitting there in a restaurant having a boring conversation about our families, I made some pretty rude remarks about the food and the restaurant chain. He couldn't talk about my special interest, so I didn't feel like getting to know him. I guess he eventually realized I had no idea what was going on and that he ought to look for someone more mature.

Thanks, TinyDancer. Was this relationship far in the past? Or was it recent?

A few years ago. After that I met someone I really cared about and it didn't end well, because I found out he told someone that he was never really serious about loving me, but saw it as some kind of project of teaching someone like me how be a girlfriend. Now it takes me an extremely long time to trust people are really who they say and arent just humoring me.

I think you'd find this article helpful: Navigating Love and Autism

1.) Usually I haven't the slightest idea that I'm actually on a date. It's hard for me to tell the different between a date and an outing with a friend. This can usually lead to a lot of awkward confusion.

2.) I tell them later, unless I know the guy has an ASD. One time I did have a guy dump me after I told him.

3.) I don't exclude people based on whether or not they have an ASD, but I end up dating aspie guys anyway because those are the people I naturally get along with. My boyfriend is an aspie.

4.) I can't think of any common misconceptions at the moment. Maybe the biggest misconception is that aspies can't date.

5.) Advice for other women with an ASD: don't settle for someone who is not meant for you. Be patient and wait as long as you have to. It's worth it. Society will pressure you to be in a relationship to feel "complete". Ignore society and wait until you feel ready.

Thanks, RabidMonkey, for your answer and the article. It's a fantastic article!

Ok.
-- what is a typical first date like?--For me, something casual and simple. Just getting a coffee and having a conversation. I like conversation. Anything "over the top" makes me nervous. I'm really into what a person has to say and their philosophies.

-- do you tell NT guys about ASD right away or later? Or never?--Depends on the guy. To me, I don't let it label me...I don't classify as an aspie anymore according to the criteria of "aspergers" or "autism". I have told some guys and they didn't seems to care. They thought it was different/unique.

-- do you date NTs or only others with ASD?---I would LOVE to date someone who has Autism or someone who has Asperger's because I can relate or use to relate. It is rather hard to find someone who classifies as one...if I do find one, they live far away and my logical mind says, "Why bother?"

-- what are the common misconceptions about women with ASD and dating?---Not sure...maybe that we don't know what we are doing when it comes to love. But the truth is, is that we actually know what we are doing more than "normal" women lol.

-- are you ever embarrassed about ASD or are you proud?----I was NEVER embarassed about it. I looked (and will always feel this way) that it is more of a personality trait (or some may call it a personality disorder) than anything else.

-- have you ever had a guy reject you because of ASD?---no

-- what have guys really loved about you that was part of your ASD?--That I'm into my own thing and interests...not quite sure lol

-- do you have any funny stories, something that made you laugh?---not really

-- any sad or disappointing stories? ---maybe some guys thought I was too weird/indifferent. A little too odd and quirky.

-- if you're dating successfully now, is there any advice you'd give younger women with ASD?-- I am not really seeing any one person. I'm still learning about myself in the love world of what works and what doesn't and I don't think relationships work for me. I am thinking I am aromantic (or borderline) and I believe 98% I am asexual. I love my independence too much. I rather have friends I can see from time to time when I feel like it...or perhaps friends with benefits so to speak because I don't get real connected so therefore, I don't get broken hearted like most females do when they are in a "friends with benefits" sort of relationship.

-- whatever else you want to share about your dating life?---nothing really. Just be who you want to be. And don't change for any jerk.

-- tell me what bugs you about the way ASD characters are portrayed in movies/TV. I want to avoid those! ---Nothing really. I think they come off as super smart.



Thanks again for your help!

I generally have a very hard time telling whether a guy is interested in me as a friend or a romantic partner. When I wasn't looking for dates, I'd occasionally try to befriend aspie guys without any intention of it turning romantic. The guys had the same problem, except they wanted to be in a relationship and they had a hard time telling that I wasn't interested in romance. You get this lost in translation element that can go both ways. It can be comical at times.

May I ask why? What lead to this inspiration? Seems a curious idea for an NT to come up with.

-- what is a typical first date like?
I only date men I already know who is a friend of a friend. Usually involves going for coffee. Him talking alot, me not saying much. Me being bored. I haven't dated since learning about AS.
-- do you tell NT guys about ASD right away or later? Or never?
Only once the dating is over and we're back to being just friends.
-- do you date NTs or only others with ASD? Don't know. Maybe a couple had AS looking back.
-- what are the common misconceptions about women with ASD and dating? That they have it easy because they're female. Please see love and dating section for examples. Loada rubbish. We are quiet introverted usually and get passed over and forgotten about. Although, some aspies are chatter boxes. I know a couple. The ladies that talk alot scare guys away.
-- are you ever embarrassed about ASD or are you proud? Proud of my analytical mind, I like it when a man tells me that I am intelligent more than I like to be told I'm pretty. If he can see past the exterior to who I really am inside that I like that. It means there is something more than superficial there. I am embarrassed that I don't understand how to behave around other people when others know exactly what to do.
-- have you ever had a guy reject you because of ASD? Probably. I have just gone and told men I'm interested in them without reading the signs that they are not interested in me. Now I'm not sure how to tell who is interested and who isn't because my confidence has been knocked.
-- what have guys really loved about you that was part of your ASD? Having someone intelligent to talk to about interesting things. Being with a woman that isn't scared to go into to mosh pit at a gig so they don't have to stand on the periferal and miss out on the fun like with other women they've been to gigs with. It wasn't that much fun, some random dude was head-banging and flicked his hair right in my mouth. Yuck!
Having someone to listen to them. I'm quiet and don't talk over people, which gives a man a chance to just get it all out.
-- do you have any funny stories, something that made you laugh? n/a
-- any sad or disappointing stories?n/a
-- if you're dating successfully now, is there any advice you'd give younger women with ASD? n/a
-- whatever else you want to share about your dating life.n/a
-- tell me what bugs you about the way ASD characters are portrayed in movies/TV. I want to avoid those! Not all ASD people are obsessed with numbers and trains. She could be obsessed with something, but make it something quirky and unusual like drum and bass or album orientated rock or coral reefs or anything but numbers or trains. Oh, and not a glasses wearing librarian in baggy clothes either (a la She's all that). Don't make her suddenly get popular after putting on a short dress. I like Andie from Pretty in Pink, she makes her own clothes, she's intelligent and she doesn't change for anyone.


Well that's not very realistic LOL, but probably a good idea.

It does happy. There are female Aspies who are happily married.

I'm sure there are, but I know a few females on the spectrum that are probably never going to find a partner, myself included. I like Lost in Translation because it's about two people who connect but don't end up with a happy ever after. It's more realistic from my point of view.

Really? Are you sure you don't mean an aspiring screenwriter?

I ask because you appear to be foolishly ignoring the most fundamental piece of advice for any writer: "write what you know."

You're not Aspie. It appears you're attempting to write about something you know nothing about. Hence, you are reduced to posting on an Internet forum to ask random strangers with AS (who actually know something about your subject matter) to help you. That does not strike me as very professional.



It bugs me when NT writers try to write about fictional characters with AS and turn them into stereotypes.

Instead of creating a stereotypical character, why not create a unique and memorable individual? Every person with AS is unique, just like every NT is unique. Why must you make your protagonist a stereotype: a geeky computer programmer? Why couldn't she be a florist, or a deep sea diving instructor, or a yoga instructer, or -- well, anything?

Newsflash: not all Aspies are geeks, and not all Aspies are good at using computers.

Second newsflash: many NTs are geeks, and many are good at using computers.

There are plenty of female NTs in the world who are good at programming. Since you obviously know little about Aspies, why not just make your geeky protagonist an NT?

Also, just because someone is Aspie does not mean they have problems with dating. Not all Aspies are shy and not all lack confidence with the opposite sex.

Also, the way you've said that your protagonist's special interest "keeps her busy" is patronising and shows a glaring lack of understanding of what it means to have AS.

Special interests do not merely "keep Aspies busy." They delight us. They fulfil us. They absorb us. They are our everything.

If you know so little about AS that you are reduced to asking perfect strangers for advice on the Internet for help with characterisation, do yourself (and the AS community) a favour, and write what you know. Scrap this idea of writing about a character with AS, and instead write about something that you actually know something about. That way your script will not consist of stereotypes and one-dimensional characters.

Do you actually know anything about computer programming, or is that another thing you know nothing about?

It really isn't wise to write a script on something you know little about. Even if you research your subject matter extensively, there is no substitute for actually knowing what you are talking about. A script written about something that you are knowledgeable and passionate about will have a lot more depth and spark to it than a shallow stereotype would.

If you haven't already, I recommend you read "Story" by Robert McKee. It explains the difference between character and characterisation. Anyone can recycle the same old Hollywood stereotypes to come up with some characterisation for a character. But can they create a memorable, believable character, who is unique, and makes the audience feel a range of emotions? That's the challenge.

If you are NT, please stick to writing about NTs. Don't write more stereotypes about people with AS. Frankly, we're sick of it.

Um, well, I'm not much like your character to begin with, but here goes:

-- what is a typical first date like?
I am married (have been married twice, in fact) but I've never been on a date. I just spent time with guys as friends and relationships grew out of that. I've been asked on dates and refused - too much stress and pressure, too many unwritten rules to worry about.

-- do you tell NT guys about ASD right away or later? Or never?
I didn't even know I had it until I was 30, but I did attempt to describe myself as accurately as I could (one-track mind, obsessive about my interests, introverted, etc.) in the process of getting closer to someone.

-- do you date NTs or only others with ASD?
I have had boyfriends on the spectrum, NTs , a bipolar one and my first husband was probably a narcissist. Narcissists often prey on aspies.

-- what are the common misconceptions about women with ASD and dating?
Either that we have it easy (even those of us who do have relationships often have very troubled or abusive ones) or that we are completely uninterested in them (some are, but from what I can see a majority are not).

-- are you ever embarrassed about ASD or are you proud?
Both. I am proud of the aspects that make me better at what I do, and embarrassed by my failures and oversights.

-- have you ever had a guy reject you because of ASD?
No.

-- what have guys really loved about you that was part of your ASD?
Guys seem to like my sincerity and straightforwardness, as well as the fact that I have some geeky special interests (geeky guys, that is).

-- do you have any funny stories, something that made you laugh?
Nothing comes to mind right now.

-- any sad or disappointing stories?
Likewise.

-- if you're dating successfully now, is there any advice you'd give younger women with ASD?
Don't get into a relationship just to be in one or because someone likes you - it is far better to be alone than with the wrong person (it is sometimes better to be alone than with the right person!)

-- whatever else you want to share about your dating life.
Nothing comes to mind.

-- tell me what bugs you about the way ASD characters are portrayed in movies/TV. I want to avoid those!
Please, no random "quirky" behaviors (as in Mozart and the Whale). We do things for a reason even if it isn't readily apparent to others.

Okay, first of all, I'm asexual, so any relationships I could get into would be platonic--that is, romantic but not sexual. As a result I have not yet found anybody to date. But I can tell you about relationships in general, and for me, a close friendship is closer to romance than it is for most people.

Honestly, if I were to date someone, it wouldn't be a formal date. We'd just start getting together for whatever we both liked to do. The friends I've had, who would have been romantic prospects if they had also been asexual--we'd go out for coffee, or go to a bookstore, or visit each others' dorm rooms or apartments and hang out. I play D&D and other tabletop role-playing games and that would also be a possible venue for getting to know each other. In general, dating would tend toward mutual enjoyment of hobbies and one-on-one conversations in a quiet location like a coffee shop. (They would also involve lots of coffee, but no alcohol because alcohol smells so nasty I don't even want to know how it tastes.)

By the time I'm close enough to someone that I might consider dating them, I'll have mentioned it at some point. I don't consider my autism anything to be ashamed of, and sooner or later it just comes up in the conversation. I'm not very good at keeping secrets or telling lies, so I don't really bother with either one of them; even if I could lie easily, I think not telling someone about such a major part of your life would be a huge betrayal of trust.

I don't know because I haven't dated anyone yet. I know I can connect with others who have ASDs, but I can also connect with NTs and especially with people who are different in some way--perhaps eccentric or having some other disability, or from a different culture, or just nerdy enough to share interests with me. I'm attracted mostly to unusual people who know interesting things. ASDs qualify, but so do lots of other things.

The main one? That we don't exist. ASDs are a guy thing, obviously. Girl autistics are all pitiful children rocking in the corner and of course we never grow up and never want to fall in love. Stupid fallacy. I exist, dammit!

It's a part of me. I'm not ashamed of it.

Nope. I've been kicked out of an apartment, fired from a job, and expelled from college, but I've not yet been rejected for having autism.

Intellectual curiosity, fact-gathering, honesty, passionate love of my interests; compassion for other people. Though I should note that in my case it's not just guys, but people in general. Quite a few autistic people are bi or gay. I'm asexual/bi-romantic... well, demi-romantic, which means that I am not really able to think of someone as romance material until I know them very well. In any case, gender isn't really that important to me--either my own gender or other people's.

Well, at one point there was this guy who was interested in me, but I wasn't interested because I hardly knew him, we were both in the mental ward at the time, I wasn't into sex. Unfortunately I couldn't send him proper "I'm not interested" signals, and finally I had to write it all down and give him the note to get the point across: You're cool, but I'm not in the market for a boyfriend.

My mom, who probably is as autistic as I am, repeatedly married and got victimized by scumbags who mistreated her and hit me. Thanks to her ASD, she was naive enough to believe them and didn't have the social resources to get us out of that situation. Autistics often make pretty easy targets. That sad enough for you?


--Portraying autistic people as having no compassion. We do have compassion. Some of us are extremely compassionate. The only reason we are said to have a "lack of empathy" is that we have trouble figuring out what someone else is feeling. Once we know, we care as much as anyone else would. When you go into this part of autism, think "clueless", not "uncaring".
--No, we are not all fascinated with trains. Nor do we all have savant skills, nor are we all good with math and science. Sure, math and science attract many of us because they're so concrete and dependable, but some of us frankly suck at math.
--We may accidentally insult others occasionally--but we are just as likely to accidentally insult ourselves. I hate it when they portray that someone with ASD is just uncaringly rude for no reason, because we aren't. Either we mean to insult someone (though we may botch it and just look silly), or we don't mean to insult someone (and we may botch it and insult them anyway). But we do not, as a rule, happen upon hurtful comments regularly and for no reason. Mostly, if we miscommunicate, we tend to be more along the lines of confusing, oblivious, or naive. People with ASDs want to communicate in as friendly a manner as anyone else and many of us are hypervigilant about accidentally saying the wrong thing.

One thing is that I wasn't diagnosed with AS until I was 28.

what is a typical first date like?
I mostly dated people who were friends first. I've also been married briefly, but my ex was abusive.

-- do you tell NT guys about ASD right away or later? Or never?
As I was diagnosed later, I didn't know what I had, so I never really mentioned it. The only person I've actually told was my fiancee, and he accepted me anyway.

-- do you date NTs or only others with ASD?
My ex-husband was a narcissist, where if he found out about my ASD, he would have used it against me as he was a bully. My current fiancee has ASD traits. He treats me far better than any NT has, especially my ex-husband.

-- what are the common misconceptions about women with ASD and dating?
We're either not interested in relationships, or we have it easy with relationships. Like NT's, we're unique. You meet one person with an ASD, you've only met one person with an ASD.

-- are you ever embarrassed about ASD or are you proud?
For me, it's a personality thing, a part of who I am.

-- have you ever had a guy reject you because of ASD?
No, then again I wasn't diagnosed until the age of 28, and I had been dating my now fiancee for a year or so.

-- what have guys really loved about you that was part of your ASD?
My intellect, and that I have interests in some things. My fiancee and I share a common love of history.

-- do you have any funny stories, something that made you laugh?
I can't think of anything right now.

-- any sad or disappointing stories?
Same here

-- if you're dating successfully now, is there any advice you'd give younger women with ASD?
Not all ASD women are unsuccessful with dating, plenty of us are in stable relationships or married.

-- whatever else you want to share about your dating life.
No

-- tell me what bugs you about the way ASD characters are portrayed in movies/TV. I want to avoid those!
Stereotypes of Aspies. Just like NT's, we're unique individuals. There are plenty of NT's who are geeks and who have never had a successful relationship, and there are people with ASD's who have been happily married for years.