Aspie BF melts down due to diagnosis.

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My 53 BF is textbook Aspergers. I am very familiar with AS... (My son, nephews and ex husband are all Aspie). Ive been dating this guy for a year now and we are in love. He has approx one meltdown per month from the six month mark in our relationship. (before then there were zero). I endured an unexpected meltdown on Feb 13 and by the 14th I guess I had had enough abuse and I broke. I told him that I cannot be with someone who cannot apologize or look within anymore....as I have been apologizing for both of us, for the last six months since the meltdowns began. I finished with....'and by the way, you have Aspergers!' Since then...he's been in meltdown. His temper is shorter than ever and his disrespectful, rude behavior is unbearable! I know he loves me so much, I see the love (and the pain) in his eyes. I also love him...I thought he was "the one". I realize the only way we will get thru this is if he gets out of his denial and tries his best to try to understand me and my world. Am I expecting the impossible?

You are expecting something he has, for the past 6 months, not shown any evidence of doing.

It's common for folks to be able to be on their best behavior during the first months of a relationship. What you experience with a person afterward is the real deal. I have experienced breaks in behavior occurring around the 5th month; but mine is admittedly a small sampling.

You said he melted down most recently due to diagnosis. Did he seek professional help and receive a diagnosis?

What you see in his eyes may well be a projection of some kind of longing. Is that enough for you to feel loved when coupled with verbal abuse?

I think it's important you communicate with him to find out the root cause of his meltdowns. It could be due to him being in denial. Another factor could be the way you react to his meltdowns. Do you use any particular strategies or techniques when dealing with his meltdowns?

I think the root is at present denial of aspergers...as he accuses me that I'm telling him hes defective. Hes got a very important position for his job and when i told him i'm sure hes an aspie he has been angry and mean to me ever since...as if hes not getting over this meltdown. prior to now and since last sept his root cause in my opinion is his 13 yr old daughter has shut him out of her life completely and hes not coping well.

I've gotten into a heated argument with a friend in the past for suggesting that he pursue an Asperger's diagnosis, even though he himself had previously suggested that he might have it. (I'm no expert, but it seems plainly obvious to me and a lot of other people that know him that he's on the spectrum.) He felt like I was insulting him, and persisted with that viewpoint no matter how much I tried to defend myself by saying that AS wasn't anything to be ashamed of and a diagnosis would only help him. He also proceeded to make personal attacks at me over my social skills and whatnot, claiming I was much lower functioning than him, which frankly I don't buy for a moment (not that it should matter anyway). But I guess the moral of this story is that you can't expect everyone to take it lightly when you suggest that they have a neurological condition.

I agree with mikibacsi1124. I think it's a mixture between the stuff regarding his daughter and because you told him that he has Asperger's. It must have hurt his feelings and he took offence because he most likely has a misconception that being an Aspie is a bad thing. You should try to leave some positive articles about Asperger's lying around the house. I don't think you should mention Asperger's to him again because this will leave him feeling pressured which can lead to another meltdown. Leaving articles around the house will give him the choice to read them without feeling pressurised, so that he can gain a better understanding of the neurological condition. Perhaps this will lead to an acceptance, but it may take time.

It's also important that when he is having a meltdown that you stay calm at all times. This is because if you react with anger, it can escalate very quickly. Leave the room if you need to and give him a lot of space so that he can recover. Let him come back to you when he's recovered from his meltdown and then perhaps you can talk it through when you are both calm.

Was he ever formally diagnosed? or was this a textbook diagnosis given to him by you?

I have looked through your previous posts before and it seems to suggest that his meltdowns are commonly caused by self-defeating behaviours and thoughts. In this frame of mind, this man will probably freak out when he doesn't get what he wants and hold someone else responsible for it. Good thing the 13 year old daughter isn't around to see it. Most people will shut out a person who behaves like this regardless of condition.

Mike...you are so right. thx. and no, mike he was never formally diagnosed that i know of, as he is in deep denial about it...he thinks im talking BS and he's been angry at me ever since i uttered the suugestion of asperger to him. tho i cannot imagine in my wildest dreams that no one (a teacher, parent etc) has never diagnosed him). he seems to think its a terrible thing....I know its not a terrible thing...its just a difference, with many positive attributes i may add. and yes, i have told him all the wonderful attributes that come along with As. Howver he just sees it as a major defect and it riding on anger ever since and the longest meltdown i have seen him in a year. thank goodness we live 130 miles apart!.

I don't get the impression he loves you 'so much' from what you've said here, sounds like he's just kind of a jerk who feels like he doesn't have to be held accountable for anything. As for meltdowns those are usually rather short in duration and don't go for weeks on end, sure if he had a meltdown and you said something that bothered him he might be mad for the following days/week but I don't think he's still in a meltdown from it.

Potentially telling someone 'you have aspergers' when they don't think they do and are in the middle of a meltdown is going to be angering, but it seems like he's already been acting like a jerk even before that incident. I mean to put it simply AS does not really excuse 'abuse' which you phrased it as....if he truly is being mentally abusive then no he's not going to change and treat you better. If you feel you are being abused the best thing to do is get out of the relationship. If that is stronger wording than what was meant then maybe its not as bad as I think.

Also though, what diagnoses is it you are referring to if he's never been diagnosed? Are you qualified to make a diagnoses? I mean perhaps he just feels you're trying to tell him he's flawed without any real basis so he's being defensive thinking you're being a jerk. But it's hard to say....if he was acting like a jerk before to though then to me that seems to make it less likely that he's just being defensive.

telling him he's on the spectrum won't help. if anything it'll subconsciously make him feel excused for his meltdowns. He should be out of the relationship for this sort of behaviour. However, as he is a fully grown adult i don't think it's anyone's place apart from a doctor's to tell him he has aspergers