Does fear hold you back from socialising?

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I know a lot of people on the spectrum just find it hard to socialise because of lacking certain social instincts, but I think I have all social instinct built in, but it's just social fear that holds me back. It all comes from fear.

Yesterday was a lovely, bright, sunny day and the first warmest day we had so far this year, which did lift my spirits up. And I decided to force myself to be more confident. I started off with my body language. I tried to act laid back, as though I wasn't feeling nervous about anything, and it did work. I just really felt good and probably made me look good in my body language. But I did so hard to be louder, but the fear is too strong.

I went on a training course to do with work, and it was at a place I had never been to, with some people I had never met, and we all sat on chairs in a room. Everybody was nice and friendly, and the tutor was really nice and very witty. But I found that most of the people in the group weren't shy of saying things to everybody and the tutor out loud, and there was me sitting so quietly the whole time. It is just not in me to speak up confidently, and it sometimes makes me feel fed up. But I know most of it is based on fear. I probably can do it, but I have to be EXTREMELY brave and have the guts to. It's like making yourself touch a spider if you have a fear of spiders. No way would I touch a spider, no more than would I speak up confidently in a group.

Does anyone else here (mild Aspies or other disorders that may affect you socially) who's ''normal'' enough to recognise social cues and everything and kind of know how a social situation works and are able to hide your mild condition quite easily, but it's just fear that holds you back? How do you deal with it?

I can relate to what you're saying. In new situations with new people I'll be really apprehensive to really participate much. I do feel that I have the required skills, but there's this layer of fear between me and the rest of the world. I know I can push through this fear mostly, but the next time will generally be just as bad and I'll have to find that courage all over again. It takes me many times to not feel that fear anymore. So I guess how I deal with it is to just push through, again and again untill it becomes easier.

I however suck at doing things for myself. By which I mean, I'll only really push if I don't have much of a choise, like driving to work, taking a bus/train, working in general going to school. But if I want to do things for myself, like meet people or make friends or whatever, I'll just sort of give up =/ I guess that is 'cause of the consequences of not doing something are non-existant if it's something for myself where as not going to school and such causes bigger problems.

not to me it doesnt. what holds me back from socialising is my dislike of it. if i do decide to speak up i dont fear at all.

Very much yes

Hey a Dutchie!

Indeed , you too I guess?

My inner voice to myself in a ''critical situation'': ''In a starry night, lift your head and take a look to the scenery. Think about the universe. This world is too small, life is too short and we are not important at all. Life is a game. Everyone, including you, will be forgotten. So? Who cares if you fail at something?''

This is my mechanism to deal with fear.

One might argue that fear is a perfectly understandable survival mechanism to avoid negative social interactions.....

And that's unfortunate, since we see the consequences of that social exclusion every day here on WP.

I would say yes fear holds me back from certain social situations, but sometimes I just make myself go and kind of get through the situation and leave as soon as I can. This would include a social work function for example which can be very difficult at times.

Other times it just depends and if I go to a social situation and know at least one or two people there I am ok and if I know no one then maybe I am not so ok. I often try my best in a social situation though, but fear does sometimes keep me away from social situations. I am pretty brave at times and I grew up moving around and changing schools so in a way I have gained the experience of making new friends. I was always someone who made one to three close friends and I was the quiet and shy kid.

I did not grow up knowing I have a neurological difference although I realized I was different. I was an adult when I found out my neurological difference was NLD.

Last edited by Gazelle on 06 Mar 2013, 9:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can get people to like me when I first meet them if I make an effort. Some have given me their phone numbers and e-mail addresses. But I fear I wouldn't be able to keep up an act next time I meet them so I never initiate contact.
Also, socializing drains me and makes me feel depressed afterwards thinking I made a fool of myself. So I avoid it if I can. I wasn't like this when I was younger but it seems to be getting worse as I get older. I don't know what to do about it either.

You put it really well, this is how I am.
People think I'm some kind of social butterfly on first meeting (because I'm forced to be in their presence and I'm a good actor I guess) - then I just don't want to see them anymore because I don't want to keep putting on the act, and I think "The real me couldn't be as good as that guy they met yesterday/the other day".
And even if I can see that they're socially anxious/awkward too (happens often in the Math department), I still can't do it. Socializing just takes too much energy when I notice every small detail.. it's like time is in slow-mo and I can analyze everything to death in real time.

Yes. From Rotterdam. And you?

I guess, I do the same as with my fear of spiders. I stomp on it. So when I do start speaking it happens to be short and abrupt and probably no room to manoeuvre in. Probably why nobody else has anything to add on.

This is how it is for me, too. I feel I need give my intuition all the input I can absorb because I don't have any rational or logical way of knowing what to do. If focus 100% of my concentration on one person, the result is usually good. But then there is the business of phone calls where there is no visual data and you are working with subtle changes in tone of voice that could be anything or about some external event on the other end. And then people want to do something with a larger group and you know you will be more of an observer than a participant.

no. i have no talent with respect to socializing so i never desired to do it.

it is the same as the fact that i have no talent for painting pictures, and as a result, i have never tried to paint a picture because i am not interested to do so.

there have been times obviously where i was in situations where i was expected to socialize, but i always give one word answers, or at best, short phrases just to pass the conversation along to someone else.

there are instances where i will engage in conversation with people who will tolerate my narrative style of speech, but it is not reciprocal, and i am only concerned with whether they understand what i am saying rather than what they think about it.

if someone remarks on the weather, i will report all the observations i have formulated due to intensive investigation i have recently conducted about the current weather, and they usually say "greeeaaat that's $7.50 thaaanks" or something.


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today i was forced into a pseudo reciprocal conversation because i got my hair cut, and i had to ask a few questions of the girl who was cutting my hair in order to tailor my answer to her questions.

transcript:

girl: how would you like me to cut your hair today?

me: well, the last time i got my hair cut was 6 months ago, and i was happy with it, so if all my hair grows at a similar rate, and if you know how fast hair grows, then just cut all of it equally to the length that it would have been 6 months ago.

girl: ha ha. no everyone has a different rate of hair growth.

me: ok but does every persons hairs, no matter what location they are on on their scalp, grow at the same rate?

girl: i guess ....erm, i'm not sure.

me: do they not teach that at hair dressers school?

girl: no not really.....

i felt that i had to get to the point and forget about trying to solicit her professional advice so i told her i wanted every hair cut
by 3 inches at every point over the surface area of my scalp.

girl: you look like you have a kind of "page boy" cut.

me: do i?
then i looked for an appropriate magazine to read while she started cutting my hair. there were none. i picked up a gossip magazine and continuously turned the pages in vain with the hope that there would eventually be something interesting to read.

as i turned a page which had princess catherine on it, she commented.

girl: looks like there's a baby on the way for katie.

i could not think of anything to say because i could not care less, but i did have a dream the other night that prince william was found dead in a crack house after a drug overdose which i found amusing, and i stopped turning the page while i considered relating that dream to her, and while i was calculating whether it would be a good response, she said a number of things that i did not pay attention to because i was determining if what i may say would be socially appropriate. i decided to refrain from relating that dream but by that time she was well into her series of sentences and i could only say "i suppose..." because i had no idea what she said.

she eventually stopped talking to me because i did not care about what she was currently saying and i was in my own world searching for responses to what she was previously saying that were auxiliary to my interests, but she just plowed on not knowing that i was still trying to formulate an answer to what she said minutes ago, and so her garrulousness waned.

after a while, i felt that my hair was cut to an acceptable degree and i said "excellent!" and i started to take the cape off, but she was not finished, and she said "no no no no! i'm not done yet" and she was combing her fingers through my hair to assess whether each side of my head was symmetrical in hair length. she kept snipping fractions of a millimeter off various hairs and i said..

me: thanks for being so meticulous, but i am happy with how it is now.
her: nooooo i can't let you walk out of here with a dodgy haircut.
me: well i walked in with one (i thought i had made a social joke finally but it had no effect)

after another 10 minutes she was done and i was like a jack in the box at 500 psi, and i just paid her as rapidly as possible and left without further interaction even though she tried to talk to me after i had paid the money.

i did not dislike her. i actually liked her a lot, but she was causing too much current to go through my primitive circuits and i felt like i was going to short out.

b9, I find your posts most entertaining to read.