My Suicide

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I must confess that of late I have been contemplating suicide more and more.I muse over differant methods, practicality over theatre. The method I favour is ingesting crushed sedatives combined with placing a bag filled with helium gas tightly around my head. This seems a fairly straightforward and minimum of pain and fuss method. I cannot give any one particular reason for this. All I know is when I was younger I had the comfort of believing that things will one day get better. I now know this not to be the case.
It does not get better.

It at best just stays the same. I know I will never share a loving relationship with someone, enjoy one of those relationships others enjoy and seem to find so effortless.

To date the other strong reason that has prevented me is my mother. I hate the idea of her heart being broken by the death of a son.

15 years ago, I lost my career. I was obese from meds. I had to move in with my parents at 40. I left all my friends behind in the city where I had worked. I thought my life was over. I considered suicide often as an escape from inevitable homelessness when my parents would die.

a counselor told me to stop thinking about suicide and my mood improved.

I got off some of the meds and eventually lost some of the weight. in 2008, after years of volunteer work to keep something on my resume, I found a new career. then I met my husband at work. I am happier now than any time except when I was in graduate school.

you never can predict the future. as Winston Churchill said to the room full of orphan boys, "never give up."

I know it seems bleak right now but it will get better. Talking to others is not a strong suit of an autistic person but i encourage you to talk to a professional. If your mother is willing to listen, talk to her as well. I'm often surprised by how often I wait until i'm ready to pull my hair out because i'm so frustrated by someone or with a situation. Then I talk to someone about it and simply talking makes me feel better. I then wonder why I've waited so long.

Besides many autistic people are married and in relationships. It's possible. Just keep learning and practicing social skills.

Im not one of those motivational speakers who tells you dont die. Its your choice if you want to live or not.
I will say both of those methods are not efficient ways to die. Infect there is no effieicent or painless way to die.
Pills rarely work the first time around no matter how you do them. A bag of helium isn;t enough to kill you.

I contemplated suicide for a while. After I grew apart from my best friend in middle school, I started cutting. Instead of hearing my cry for help, my parents thought I was crying out for boundaries. I remember overhearing them say that they were treating my "addiction" like a drug addiction--and they did. They took away anything that could be used as a knife, they forbade me from closing my doors, they wouldn't let me wear long sleeves (unless it was extremely cold out) and worst of all, they gave me regular "pep talks" that sounded a lot like "Why are you cutting. You have no reason to cut. Did we not give you a good enough life? You're being ungrateful. Oh, you're doing it because you think we're putting too much pressure on you? WE HAVE TO PUT SO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T WORK UP TO YOUR POTENTIAL. STOP BEING SO LAZY." Early on, my mother drove me to a doctor so I could tell him why I was doing what I was doing, so I said I felt like there was a lot of pressure on me to be perfect. She railed at me on the long drive home about how I "fed all those disgusting half-truths to that doctor." I felt like my own parents had rejected me for not being perfect.

The worst part about that, though, wasn't the fact that I felt my parents had rejected me. I felt like I could never recover from that mistake. I contemplated suicide frequently.

I'm glad I never went through with it.

Now, I have a pretty good life. I have a BA, and I'm going for my Master's soon. My relationship with my parents is better, as is my relationship with my siblings. But more than that, I have a good job where I try to help kids feel a little better about their lives and themselves. If I had killed myself, I would not be able to help those students see themselves as beautiful, wonderful people with all the potential in the world. I wouldn't have been able to be a Big Sister to a little boy with a stepdad who made him feel horrible. And I wouldn't be here to tell you that things do get better, and that you have more potential than you ever thought possible.

Do you believe in God? I do. And I believe that God pulled me back from that ledge so I could tell you that jumping off would be a mistake. If you kill yourself, you are making your own words into a prophecy: You are ensuring that things will never get better, because you won't give them a chance to get better. But if you stay for just a little while longer, I promise you that things will improve.

Please don't do it. If you do, the world will lose something it can never get back. Every person is a masterpiece, and you're no exception. You're just a Picasso in a gallery of Rembrandts and Da Vincis.

us aspies need to stick around, stick together, and HELP ONE ANOTHER.

Just to clarify and some questions answered. Thankyou for your kind attention. This message was in no way a "cry for help" mearly a statment of opinion. The method I mentioned is to be combined not used individually. It's the recommended method by numerous euthanasia organizations. I do not contemplate suicide due to reasons of poverty or illness. More of a philosophical realisation. I am currently studying at university, more to kill time before time kills me. I gain no joy from life. Nor do I recall a time that I did.
We as human beings not as many have told themselves beautiful and unique snowflakes, the universe is completely indifferent to us, it does not punish the wicked or reward the virtuous.

Absolutly nothing matters

I agree about the indifferent universe. so you get to make your life mean whatever you want it to mean.

I don't know why you've never been happy. have you explored antidepressants?

life is about giving yourself the best possible chance over and over. sooner or later, something will go right.

luck favors the prepared.

You can't drug away an awakening to truth.

truth can be subjective and not such a good basis for a permanent decision such as suicide. depression makes all the most negative things seem true.

Stop all your self-indulgent BS before you hurt yourself. C'mon dude. It doesn't take anyone on heres scary IQ to tell you that what you propose is both illogical and self-defeating. I am sure you are familiar with the "no relief from suicide " idea which argues that, since you are dead and no longer have access to neurological input that you are incapable of any release from knowing you have been successful".
Your only hope is to keep on keeping on until your own personal paradigm shifts enough for you to recogonise your own worth.
There's an old story, claimed by various religions, that goes something like "What do you give a man who is happy to make him feel unhappy and what do you give to a man who is unhappy to make him feel happy"?
Whatever version of the story you read the answer is always some kind of object upon which is inscribed the words "This Too Shall Pass".
Go figure.
Bad s**t happens and can last for years but, inevitably, good s**t happens too which was equally unforeseen.
Get over it dude - wait it out.

I don't know if this will help or not, but I watched a roommate die, and it was not a pretty sight.
She had been upset about something and been crying all day. When I got home, she had made
up her mind to do it. I phoned her counselor and he talked to her on the phone, but when I wasn't
looking, she downed a couple of bottles of sedatives and antidepressants, then went to bed.

I woke around 3 am to the sound of her gasping for breath. I called the paramedics and they
worked on her, but she died anyway. It haunted me for a long, long time. I wonder what kind
of hell she was in while she fought for air? Was she conscious of dying? Did she desperately
wish that she hadn't overdosed? Did she wish to change her mind? I will never know.

Please don't kill yourself. The last time that I was that suicidal, ( about 6 years ago) I spent two
hours on a crisis line, crying and swearing I would go through with it. They managed to talk
me out of doing it, and now I am happily married and we own our first house. I didn't know
that a very special man was out there for me, and wanted to end my life because of the unbearable
loneliness I was experiencing.

Maybe something wonderful is just around the corner for you, and you just have to plan to stick around for it.
You deserve another chance, believe me.

don't burn all your bridges before you are finished crossing them.

A curious argument you have made. Instead of exercising a form of self determination and exiting sooner then scheduled, I should wait around until time, illness or accident does it for me?

As for this too shall pass, I am familiar with this. I will not feel better in the morning. Sentient existence is my problem. I have just enough intelligence to realise I am a rat in labryth, a long winding path with no purpose.

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better.

If you do one kind thing every day, then life is worth living. It does not need to be anything major. Maybe you gave someone a smile who was feeling depressed. Maybe you took your dog for a walk. You might have cleaned house for your mom.

Sometimes, the people who you treat kindly will treat you like dirt. I have treated people poorly who did not deserve it. People have treated me poorly when I did not deserve it. Actually, nobody deserves poor treatment.

if you burn your bridges before you cross them you end up in an abyss. when you shuffle off your mortal coil you will end up in a place that is not quite what you might've hoped for. far smarter people than me or the man behind the tree have stated that the third law of thermodynamics would seem to indicate that there is no such thing as eternal nothingness. robert monroe ["journeys out of the body" et al] wrote a lot of interesting stuff about the higher planes of existence. god be with you, unless you don't believe- in which case good luck to you.