Extreme separation anxiety?

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My son is 2.5, currently undiagnosed but in early intervention. I am curious about some behaviors that seem to be the opposite of "textbook" autism. First of all, he has had extreme separation anxiety since he was small. This only gets worse as he gets older. I stay home with him so it isn't a daily problem, but on occasions where he is left with his grandma he completely shuts down; he'll go 8 hours without eating, drinking, or speaking. I've stopped trying because it seems cruel and he fails to make any progress with it. This extends to having other people in the house, he doesn't tolerate the presence of other people very well. He is getting therapy for this, but he starts shutting down after about 20 or 30 minutes of interacting with her. She wants us to drop him off at some sort of EI playgroup, but I am unsure if this is the right thing for him. Mainly, I am curious if other parents have ASD kids who have this symptom, as opposed to the more textbook symptom of having no separation anxiety at all?

Also, he requires almost-constant interaction. He is incapable of playing on his own in any capacity. He loves letter and spelling puzzles, and can do them on his own, but is only interested if I prompt and help him. It is this way with any activity he likes. I think part of it is that he is a perfectionist; if a puzzle piece doesn't immediately fit he tends to breakdown and give up. His therapy is addressing this, but we have seen no improvement yet. Frankly, they aren't trying anything I haven't been doing for a year or more. And once again, this seems the opposite of the usual description of kids who are content to play on their own for hours. Does anyone else have a spectrum kid who is like this?

When I look at the larger picture (which I find difficult, also being on the spectrum, ha!), it seems to me that he is likely autistic. But there are these other things that seem so not-autistic, so I am constantly questioning whether I'm crazy or not. For the record, he also has good eye contact (especially with me, not so much with strangers)--although I already know, from reading on here, that this isn't exactly uncommon for some autistic people.

I think the whole concept of autism meaning that a child has NO emotional connection to any other people is off-base. Actually, the extreme separation anxiety you describe is quite consistent with an autism diagnosis. For some people, extreme anxiety is the most pronounced aspect of their autism. For your son, it sounds like you are the only safe person in his life right now. That can change but only by taking it one tiny step at a time. I would suggest that the therapists take it very slowly. I'm not a therapist but perhaps the steps could be something like the following:
1. Plan for therapist to come for short session with you fully participating in the session, gradually increase the duration of these sessions.
2. Once his tolerance is increased, you could gradually back out of how much you participate until the point where the therapist is doing short sessions with him and you are either sitting totally on the side line or even in the next room.
3. Gradually increase length of sessions without your involvement.
4. Once he has developed a tolerance for working with the therapist one on one in your home then maybe you could go with him to the location where the playgroup meets. You may not even get out of the car the first few times. Just drive there and say "this is where the playgroup meets. We'll go inside next week to check it out."
5. Plan a very short duration stay with you by his side the whole time. Gradually work him into spending more time at the playgroup with you present.
6. Plan a very short duration stay at the playgroup where you leave the room
I think you get the idea. If he is shutting down so completely whenever he is away from you, I don't think he is going to benefit from being suddenly dropped off at at playgroup. Sometimes I don't think therapists and teachers really appreciate the intensity of our children's anxiety. They say things like "Don't worry, he'll be fine as soon as you leave". I say, BS. As far as the "sink or swim" theory, kids with extreme anxiety don't learn to swim when thrown into the deep end of the pool, they sink.

The constant interaction and perfectionism are also common of some autistic kids. It probably is exhausting for you in some respects so that would be a good reason to pursue getting others involved in his world even if they aren't doing anything much different than you have been doing. It will increase his flexibility to just be able to do it with someone else. Also, I think his inability to play by himself may be something that he will grow out of as his motor coordination and other cognitive functions develop more. My son was similar to what you describe at that age but now (7 yo) can spend a significant amount of time playing legos and such by himself and has been able to since he was about 4 yo.

I was very close to my mother. She was the only one really that I had an emotional bond with and I always had anxiety when I we were apart. I did alright going to school, and when I was home I could play on my own and even -- when I was grade school age -- play with a few neighborhood children. But I remember being invited to a sleepover once when I was maybe eleven or so and saying I was sick so I wouldn't have to go overnight. It was less anxiety about being with the girls than being apart from my mom. When I was a teenager I used to sleep over my grandmother's house a few times a year, but I remember one time I was going to stay two nights but I just couldn't do it. I remember worrying at a very early age about her dying and asking her how old she was and thinking if she lived to X number of years, I'd be X old and how that was a very long time from then and I didn't going to worry about it too much for now. I probably did that from the time I was 8 or 9 until she started having health problems when I was 28.

My son (now age 12) had problems with separation anxiety which were made worse I think by his inability to soothe himself. It was not as bad as you are saying, but it was worse than the average for a child his age.

As an example, my son at age 2 could not be left alone to fall asleep. If I let him "cry it out" he would cry for hours, then sleep 30 min and wake up panicking and screaming. This would last all night. He seemed desperate and terrified when left alone to fall asleep. He would require someone to hold him until he fell asleep, and would sleep best if someone held him all night (now he uses a heavy blanket).
First we started with the normal bedtime routine for both our children, then added 30 min rocking in the rocking chair being held with lights off and soft music - with a heartbeat in it (things he liked).
Then moved to rocking 15 minutes in the bed, each night we encouraged a bit more of him to be on the bed and less on mom.
Then moved to rocking him while he was laying in bed (I put my hands on his back and kind of rocked his body),
Then moved to him rocking himself
Then moved to hand on his back but no movement by me
Then moved to taking hand off longer and longer
Then moved to no hand
Then moved to sitting by bed only 5 min then sitting in chair in room
Then moved chair closer and closer to door
Then moved chair outside door, and farther and farther away.

I allowed him to whimper and even cry but not that terrified cry.
This took about two months total.

When he woke up, my husband would go to him and say. "Its time to sleep. Look its dark. Go back to sleep." If I went to him, it just made him cry.


You could do something similar to get him used to other people. Its kind of like curing a phobia.

(more later)

My DS 9 had very bad separation anxiety when little. He is still very anxious and has a hard time transitioning, especially if it is away from me. We are VERY close. I am his source of comfort. He is very cuddly and affectionate - he always holds my hand when we are out. He loves bear hugs. When he was very young, he would only nap if I held him and at night he preferred me to rock him to sleep. He is always giving his younger sister little gifts and plays well with others. He has always had great eye contact with the family, so I did not really notice he had bad eye contact with others, but he is very shy. He is also a perfectionist and this is one the harder traits to work with since he often gets very emotional (either sad or angry) when he doesn't get things right. He will play by himself, but prefers never to be far from us (e.g., never upstairs when everyone is downstairs). When the school first mentioned last year he might be on the spectrum, I thought they were just wrong since he did not seem to fit any of the traits I thought were typical. After learning much more, I see that they were correct.

Thanks, everyone, this is all very helpful. His therapist is trying to ease in to things with him. She got him to walk around the house with her yesterday, but he cried most of the time. I'm afraid there is a long way to go before we can think about him being comfortable in a playgroup or preschool setting. I was miserable in school, myself. I hardly spoke to anyone until I had been there for a few years (I could speak, but only around people I was comfortable with). So I understand his distress, and I will totally home school him if I think he can't handle it.

This sounds exactly like my son. I had to hold and carry him constantly as a baby if I wanted him to sleep. Cry it out never worked for us, either, it just made him more on edge. He currently sleeps with us, and needs the occasional cuddle at night in order to go back to sleep. We are going to try the method you mentioned this summer, after we are settled in a new house (hopefully).

For my son, I think it was also sensory. If I could do it over, I would have added in a weighted blanket.

I know this sounds cold, but I didn't know what else to do, and I didn't know what was wrong, and in the end it worked, so anyways, I responded to his tears kind of like you do a runny nose, wipe it and go on. I mean, I talked matter of fact about it, wiped his tears, and we went on. I payed attention to his anxiety/fear and if he seemed panicked then I backed off, but if I waited for my son to stop crying to do something, it never would have gotten done. I didn't call him names or deny his feelings, but I also didn't feed them. We were also lucky to have a sister who is 14 months older. He would try anything she tried, and she was willing to do anything and go anywhere.

my son has always been extremely social, loved and loves other people! He has ALWAYS had separation anxiety when he was younger. In fact, every single day for a year when he went to pre school, I had to rip him off me scremaing and crying. He also made great eye contact, loved and loves to be held, cuddled and snuggled. I doubt you will find someone more cuddly then my son! He hugs EVERYONE!! !

As a special ed teacher, who before having kids, worked with kids on the spectrum pre school age, I recall MANY who were crying and trying to cling to mommy. One little guy used to climb his mother and try to smoosh himself in her face...lol. And he was on the more sever end of the spectrum.

I think its a steroetype that kids on teh spectrum are all aloof, make no eye contact, and dont care if they leave their parents. I have seen more then my share of quite the opposite, and my son is also the opposite!