New Here - Married to Aspie/Daughter PDD-NOS

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Hi. I just joined the site. I'm trying to find my way so please bare with me.

A little background - I'm NT, H is Aspie (not officially dx'd) our 10 year old D is ASD, dx'd at 3 with PDD-NOS. Both very high functioning but each have their quirks. I also have mine!

When our D was Dx'd we began having challenges in our marriage. Our relationship was always difficult but there has always been a lot of love. After her diagnosis everything began to make sense to me about our relationship.

We have been together for 22 years/married for 14/separated for 4. I would like to save the marriage but my fear is it may be too late. I just don't know.

I hope to connect with other in NT/Aspie marriage.

Thanks!

Welcome Indie! I'm AS, my husband NT and we made 2 boys together, both PDD-NOS.

I am so glad your husband's Dx helped you understand the issues in your relationship. I know that once I got my Dx, my husband was able to fit all the pieces together about the things that I frustrated him with. So, all my shortcomings are now taken into consideration but I do not try to use them as an excuse for bad behavior (just as I cannot let the same be said about my children). It is a challenge all around but I am very lucky my NT husband is VERY patient! Sometimes I really feel bad he has to put up with me, but that is another story! He is not perfect either so we do our best and focus on our strengths. Love is a main component in making it all work and I don't think that if you have lasted for 22 years together already, it is certainly NOT too late to save your marriage! In fact, I think the real relationship is just beginning! There are many other people out there without AS who are even more frustrating than people with AS! So don't throw in the towel--because I think the greatest rewards for you are still yet to come if you hang in there!

I have a NT husband and PDD-NOS son.

Thank you both for responding!

mikassyna - Yes you're right it is a long time to be together and it's not easy to just toss it all away. I have a problem with patience although having my daughter has forced me to improve in that area.

You're absolutely correct there are plenty of non aspies out there who aren't a picnic either! The majority of my friends in NT/NT marriages don't seem all that happy. Everyone seems to be having a MLC! We're all in our early 40's.

Here's the thing, and it's a toughie for me to admit. I made the very poor choice of getting involved in an emotional affair with my first love. Who also happens to be a flaming narcissist. He caught me at a vulnerable time when I was starving for emotional connection. It only lasted a month because I was riddled with anxiety and guilt and knew it was wrong. I confessed the entire thing to my H and everything basically fell apart.

We agreed to separate. I've been in therapy to deal with my issues such as poor coping skills/boundaries etc. I come from a FOO that was NT but seriously messed up in many ways.

I want to be able to connect again with my H. It's been VERY tough. He seems to want to stay in the marriage but at the same time he hasn't initiated any physical contact at all. I haven't either and I'm afraid of either being rejected or it both being disappointing for both of us. We seem to both be trying to reconnect emotionally but it's been a slow process. I think he is afraid of being rejected or maybe he doesn't trust me/see me the same way anymore and I can't blame him. The thing is I don't think he'd admit that to me.

I'm really confused! Thanks for your post and very positive words of support. It means a lot.

What is a FOO?

Don't give up. You have something worth saving. If you want me to talk to your husband for you, I will!! !! !

My marriage is 25 years old. I'm an Aspie. My husband is NT. My adult son (not married) is an Aspie. My adult daughter (married) is a NT. Her husband may be an Aspie. My oldest grandson is an Aspie. My granddaughter is NT. The youngest grandson may possible be PDD-NOS. The yet to be born grandson obviously isn't ready for a diagnosis. My father was an Aspie. My mother was a NT. My sisters are NT. If this kind of family tree isn't an Aspie/NT blend, I don't know what is!

My point is if you want to connect with someone who has experience with making Aspie/NT relationships productive, you're welcome to connect with me. If you'd rather not (I am a Christian counselor), I can tell you this much from my perspective the most important thing for successful relationships is knowing how to communicate.

Sorry, FOO - Family of origin. We both brought a lot of baggage from our families into the marriage. Neither of us fully aware of what that was and how it would play out in the long run. This is common no matter if you're NT or not I'd say.

Wowza faithfilly! Here I've been believing my situation is so unusual for an NT/Aspie to get together and make a marriage work. I'm learning daily that there's nothing all that out of the norm with us after all!

It's funny how my daughter is considered "Special Needs" in school. Between me, my husband and my daughter, the only one who seems to have special needs is ME. I have often felt so alone in their presence and I don't know what that is. My husband has often minimized my ideas, insisting his way of doing something is best, I would cave (my own lack of self esteem at play) and then resent him later on. Such a mess!


Something we both have in common is being the youngest in our families and being pleasers and scapegoats. We have both let our families intervene into our marriage and focused on pleasing them instead of ourselves. It was like this from the get go.

When we had our daughter, we both began breaking free of the pull of our extended families. We put HER first above all else and what's best for her. I'd say we even failed ourselves by how much we have put into raising our daughter. Her early intervention, being her advocates together at her school, helping her develop her interests (she's very gifted musically.)

My H works a very demanding job 60+ hours a week, I've been a stay at home mom, but went back to school 3 years ago which keeps me busy. So finding time, making time to connect with each other has seemed impossible!

We talk to and see each other pretty much daily. But we aren't a couple anymore. Whatever we had before isn't finding its way back. I don't know if we're both at a stand off, both afraid of letting each other go, fear of being alone.

I told him it would be easier to make this work if he'd move back home. He said he wanted to give it some time to think it over.

Generally speaking, the longer a person remains separated from home, the less likely it is he will come back. BUT . . . you did let him know you want your marriage to work and he did say he wants to think it over. Doing anything more may most likely weaken his desire to make the marriage work.

As things now are, you're blessed either way. If he comes back, it shows he cares and has qualities worth caring about. If he doesn't come back, it shows he lacks integrity. After all, he proclaimed a commitment during the marriage vow. His not returning would also show he's a fool for not appreciating what was given to him and for throwing away what can become more valuable over time.

If he truly had a fear of God and understood relationships in the eyes of our creator, he wouldn't be so foolish.

I agree with you for the most part and honestly I'm a bit tired of being stuck in this holding pattern. I'm wondering what does he want?? For me to initiate a divorce so he doesn't have to? To make me the bad guy? I mean if you want to be with your daughter and your wife, then just come home!

I'm feeling very, very low today. We had our D's IEP meeting and it didn't go well. She's struggling in school, "Lack of focus and Attention" that's all we hear. Today her teacher suggested we see a Dr. about it and think about meds. I'm afraid of meds. But nothing else is working!

The IEP isn't working and I can't understand why it isn't working other than the teacher isn't implementing it. While it's somewhat challenging we do get her to focus here at home. I understand we don't have 17 other kids to deal with but it's difficult not actually being in the classroom to see what's happening! Today we're told, "she gets flustered and overwhelmed" I asked her to describe what my daughter does to show this, "Well she can't find things she needs in her desk and gets off track" I don't care for this teacher. She has said twice now, "She the ONLY one in the class that...." Well so freakin what? JUST HELP HER! That's what an IEP is for isn't it???

Plus she lost her one good friend to a girl who has been her biggest bully in the school! I am feeling all of these emotions and I feel like I can't express them to my H because all I get is a blank stare! I know he can't help it. But it's so difficult and I have nobody to talk to about these things. My family offers no support and understanding at all and the one friend I have doesn't get it either.

I get so fed up with the entire thing. It's exhausting! I just want to crawl into my bed and cry until I fall asleep. Which is exactly what I'm going to do.

Wow... I can feel your pain and its heartbreaking. I totally get what you are going through... all of it. Nothing that is happening in your life is an accident. There is a purpose behind everything. Being lost is exhausting. It can break your heart, but not until its sufficiently contrite (ground to pieces) can you be ready to surrender yourself to finding the right way to go. I know only because I've gone through it and can speak from hindsight. If you're inclined, investigate the difference between Godly vs. Worldly Sorrow.