I Miss the Way Romantic Interactions Felt When I Was Younger

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I'm now pushing 30, and through a combination of luck and whatever social skills I picked up, I was able to find girls/women to date, make out with, and even have sex with. I lost most, if not all, of my creep factor I had when I was younger. Girls in their 20's now respect me more, even when they reject me. Case in point: when I asked a girl to dance salsa at a party last year, she touched my arm while giving me a beaming smile, and said "No, I'm good. But I'm glad you asked. I think I saw you dancing with that tall girl earlier. You were really good." When I was in college, that same girl would have said: "Get away from me, you creep!" I didn't even feel rejected, to be honest.

Here's a bit of a trip down the memory lane. Like for nearly all aspie guys out there, finding any romantic or sexual experience was a lesson in frustrations. So, when I was in my late teens and early 20's, when I did get things like close full-body hugs, French kissing, snuggling, holding hands, etc., it felt really good. It gave me a massive rush. I spent a lot time, money, and effort to get myself into those situations. I'd travel for hours to a college town where parties were held, for a 20% chance of finding a girl who liked me enough to do those things with me. Same for girls I met online; I'd invest a lot of time and money to find online dates. Now, at today's age, those same things are kind of blah and mundane. Yes, they still feel good, but they just don't give me the same feeling of happiness and warm fuzzies. They're just that: a hug, a kiss, etc., and nothing more.

And that's exactly what I miss. The massive happiness and warm fuzzies I used to get from simple romantic interactions like those. Like when I was 16, and I just met a girl at a carnival where I went with my friends. My group started talking to her group. She had such an unassuming, peaceful presence that my shyness quickly vanished. It was warm and balmy at first. But an hour or so later, the temperature suddenly dropped and wind picked up. As we were talking and flirting, she said "come on, keep me warm," and pressed against me side-to-side. I must have had an NT moment, because I immediately wrapped my jacket around her, while still wearing one half of it. Wow!! ! It felt really good! I was floating off the ground for hours and hours afterwards. At the end, we exchanged a close hug. The only reason I didn't ask for her phone number is because I was ashamed of not having a car.

Now, that same interaction would give me only a slightly perked-up "hey, this feels pretty good" feeling. Nowhere close to the massive surge of happiness and warm fuzzies I'd get when I was younger. And I miss that. Does anyone else feel this way? I suppose this question would apply mostly to guys 25 and older. But if you're younger and can contribute, please go ahead.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 27 Mar 2013, 11:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When you take something for granted, it can be difficult to fully appreciate it. I remember the first time anyone ever really invited me to do something with them. My social skills were pretty much in the gutter throughout my childhood, and I was like 16 the first time I really "hung out" with anyone. It was about 4 of us, and we just went out to eat somewhere and to see a movie. But I still remember feeling absolutely incredible the entire time and thinking to myself "Is this what I've been missing out on, and what all those other people have been experiencing, all this time?" It was really one of the best feelings in the world! But now when I go out to do the same things with my friends, yeah I have a good time but I don't get nearly the same sort of rush or "feel good" vibes. Sure this isn't really in a romantic context, but the concept is the same.

Same with me. I missed all the generational stuff in my early 20s, and in the late 20s, when I learnt go from 'creep' to 'cool' suddenly all this excitation was gone away.

In my opinion, people change, but when you haven't lived something you will keep missing it. In my 30s it has been very easy to get laid in a date (usually in the second or the thirth date). But it was like.... cold. Mechanic.

I always wanted to take the car, go to some viewpoint to hug and see the sundown, like in 80s movies. Everytime I proposed, the answer was something like "c'mon, I'm tired, it has been a long day, let's have some dinner and go to bed to have some fun". I suppose that women, after years of delaying sex and holding hands, they were sick of it. But I entered directly this second period and I always missed the first one. Indeed, I still do. It never went back.

my most recent ex... always wanted to skip the holding hands and making out and all that stuff.. she claimed it was "Too high-school" and she'd done it all plenty of times.. I reminded her that she was only my second gf... and that I'd not done it plenty of times.. eventually she just kissed me one night and we actually wound up doing that more frequently than having sex.

But I'll admit that just about anything with her felt extremely thrilling becuase it had been so long since anything had worked and gotten that far.

I kinda almost would prefer to have fewer partners if it means that each one still has that same feeling..

Im an nt and let me tell you i love hearing that a guy wants to take it slow and fully enjoy the simpler things like holding hands. I constantly miss when a guy would leave a sweet note in my locker at school simply saying he liked me or i was pretty. I like sex but without the companionship it does seem cold and mechanical. There are girls in there 30's like me. I'm 30 but i dont follow the herd of men and women who can enjoy sex with somene they dont know well and care about. Keep looking. They exist.

I'd say the general picture is this:

- The more social skills you have in a relationship, the more is the sexual tension about the social power you can offer/challenge each other with.

- The less social skills you have in a relationship, the more is the sexual tension about "simple stuff" like holding hands.


What you are experiencing (I think) is having developed better social skills through the years, but since you are aspie, the thing that really lights up your heart is the "simple stuff" like holding hands - because those learned social skill are not natural but learned. That's why you don't truly attach emotion to the "social power"-game.

That's my guess, I might be wrong. At least, that's become my problem.

Either you have to learn to appreciate the "social power"-game in a relationship more than the "simple stuff", or you'd have to "drop" some of the social skills, but I suppose that would be hard.


But it's true: the best sex an aspie guy has ever had was when he still had bad social skills and some hot girl gave him a hug. lol

The "social power" aspect in a relationship is the main reason why I fear marriage. Too many horror stories about a beaten-down, henpecked husband who loses the house, the car, the 50-inch plasma TV, the dog, and the kids in a divorce. It's also why I feel ethereally comfortable in short-term, fling-type relationships. (Like the kind you'd find when you're on vacation.) Since the relationship, if you could call it that, is so short, there is no time for establishing the NT-type pecking order. It's essentially a crash course. You gotta quickly find things in common, make the most of each other's company, see where the chemistry takes you in the intimate department, and peacefully part ways, all in less than a week, before you debark from your cruise ship or check out of your resort. There may be a phone number, e-mail, and/or Facebook exchange, but unless the two people live close, it's often purely symbolic, done in the excitement of the moment.

Again, what makes a short-term relationship appealing to me is not having to fight tooth and nail for my pecking order in it. Not because the woman will automatically let me win, but because there's simply no time for the pecking order crap. And since women usually have class, even on vacation, it's the "simple stuff" like hugging, holding hands, and kissing that's most likely to happen. As opposed to down-and-dirty sex, although that's not out of the question, either.

Too funny about the aspie guy with bad social skills getting a hug from a hot girl. I was there once.

I know exactly what you mean. I remember taking hours to get dressed and do my hair and makeup (early 80's big hair and tight jeans) to go out somewhere where I might have a chance of meeting a guy who might like me. The tummy flutter thing when a guy talked to me. The huddling together in the bathroom with my friends talking about the guys there and plotting our strategies to get our target guys to notice/kiss/ask us out/etc. And then when it did happen! Bells and whistles! That's because it was so new, and for me it was something that I thought wasn't ever going to happen, but it did. Every single time I thought it wasn't ever going to happen, then it did.

By the time I was 20 I was over that but when a guy that I liked was around, I would get that same feeling. It's the whole new energy thing. It's there during the first few weeks/months of a relationship, always has been for me. Of course it fades after a while, especially after 26 years, and I don't know how to get it back really. But that's not your situation, so yours is different. I think when you find a girl you really like and she starts paying attention to you, you'll feel it again. When we are young, everybody of the opposite sex and every situation we are in where a romantic moment is possible can cause that feeling. When we are older it doesn't happen from situations anymore, but from people. Now that you know that you can do these things and they aren't new and as exciting in and of themselves, it's going to take a person to get your motor running like that again. It will happen, and when it does, it's a whole lot better than that (what I call) "certain slant of light" feeling from my younger years. I call it that because it's a mood type feeling to me, and I associate it with certain atmospheres, and smells (Rave hairspray for one ) and just a vibe type feeling that I would get, even if the places and people were entirely different and the atmosphere was different, it's still a "certain slant of light" feel to me.

Good luck, and I do hope you meet somebody soon and get to feel it again. One word of advice though is not to go out looking for her. Every time I went looking for love I never found it. It was when I stopped looking and decided to just play the field that it found me. Problems and all, it really is love.

I hope you find it again soon. Please let us know.

I remember. I remember when I was 15 and I was head over heals in love with a boy. It was like a shockwave went through me everytime our gaze would cross in the school halls. When I was cycling to his house I felt like I was gonna be doing something so so naughty. I had butterflies in my stomach days before I was going to go see him. We could speak hours on the phone.
It was a very exiting time.

But I don't think I will ever fall in love with someone like that again, really.

C'mon. You're 20!

Just wanted to interject on this point. A good partnership IMHO is not about who is going to "wear the pants" in it. It's a series of compromises and pulling together as a team, not going rounds in the ring (mostly ). Short term flings are fun and heady, but they run on hormones and fantasy-- no real life to get in the way.

21.
You think i´ll ever fall in love like that again?
With that much passion and the butterflies? I hope so.

21!

Seriously, you have so much time in front of you that you can't ever imagine. And of course, lot of love stories (or perhaps only one, if you're lucky). So relax, you won't have to worry about that for quite a while