Need help: Being ignored by the autistic guy I'm dating

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Hello everyone,
I'm a new NT here and I'm looking for some insights from you guys... I don't know what to do.

I have been dating this guy on the high functioning autism spectrum for 7 months now. We've known each other from twitter for half a year when we accidentally met for the first time at a party last summer. At the end of the party we both were quite drunk and walked together to the subway station. There he kissed me and hugged me a very long time which I liked quite a lot . I wrote him a message that it was nice getting to know him in person and he just answered "Yay, there were quite a few amazing people there last night." First bummer. I thought, ok, well, he's just not that into me - move on.

In the next four weeks we saw each other quite a few times at other social occasions but nothing happened. Then, after four weeks, another party, free beer. Suddenly he approached me again. He touched me, was trying to be close to me the whole evening until we kissed again and suddenly had very pleasant open air sex at an empty near-by property. After that I sent him a message if we could repeat this, and he was like "Gladly :3". So we met at his place a few days later where he confessed that he's autistic. I was quite surprised because he didn't seem much weirder than the other nerds I know. So we started dating on a regular basis. Every week or sometimes every two weeks we met at his place, we talked a lot, watched our favorite TV shows together and had very good sex (he's had four girlfriends already, so he's quite experienced. He said, as an autist, he had to learn the body language more intensely than NTs. That made him a very good lover to my mind because he pays great attention to my signals which most NT guys don't - because they think they don't have to.) From the beginning he made it very clear that he is not into a relationship because he cannot fulfill his own requirements himself. Nonetheless we were chatting quite a lot online and meeting each other in real life. It was very nice because especially in real life I noticed he cared for me. It WAS sort of a relationship.

Aftrer three months, in December, it changed a bit. We were chatting less, and he said, he's annoyed by the winter and all the birthdays in the winter. And by himself.

After four months I got approached by a guy I once had a date with. I asked my autistic guy if we ever had an agreement on exclusivity. He said: "No, I don't mind, date him! And since you're always so busy, I can use the spare time and energy for my best friend" (she's the most important person in his life, he states). I was quite shocked because he repeatedly told me that when in a relationship he tends to be very jealous. And there was nothing. No attachment whatsoever. I told him that I was quite irritated by that and that I liked him a lot and that I found it totally ok if we were getting exclusive. He said "Our agreement was sex and cuddling, wasn't it?" Yes it was, but most of the time we spent together we were doing something else like getting to know each other by talking and chatting online.

The last three months of our affair/relationship/whatsoever were really frustrating for me. We chatted even less via online messenger. The periods of time between our real life dates got longer. So we saw each other three times in the past three months. He almost never initiates our online chats, I'm always the one who's approaching him. He's never the one who asks for a date, I'm always the one doing it. If I ask he says something like "Gladly" but there's never any initiative from him. That's really exhausting for me. It was always like that but for the first four months I didn't care because I got the feeling he cared for me anyway. Additionally, in the past three months, he tended to ignore me online. I ask him a question and he doesn't answer. That hasn't happened in the four months before that. He didn't wish me a happy birthday even though he exactly knew it was my special day. The weird thing though is that I know he's very active on twitter and in diverse online group chats, so he communicates a lot with other people. I know he's afraid of a relationship, of too many expectations. His last relationship was a disaster and was like five years ago. And twitter and group chats provide a comfort zone for him where people tend to not have too many expectations.
But most of all I'm irritated by him ignoring me online and then we are having the nicest real life dates, listening to and talking about music, cuddling, having great sex. He always makes me a hot chocolate the morning after and in very rare moments he even compliments me.

I really, really like him. And I want to make this work. But what can I do? And does him ignoring me online mean he doesn't like me anymore even though our real life meetings are always very lovely? Is it normal for the NT part in the relationship to always be the one to initiate contact? I'm afraid he's gonna end it if I tell him I have feelings for him. But I can handle being ignored better if I know he likes me, too, than being ignored not knowing where I stand. In my ideal scenario we would have a relationship that basically states an emotional appreciation for each other but not any necessary requirements. I am willing to negotiate everything, the amount of contact, if we go to public and social occasions together, if we share friends aso. But I'm afraid that the moment I'm using the word "relationship" he's gone.

I would really appreciate it if you guys could help me understand him better and share your insights here. Thanks.
(Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes, I'm German.)

Welcome to my world. Fast fwd 15 months and it's always a battle. You can't put all Aspie men, into the same box, but I have heard that story a few times, and lived it myself. I have also read a lot of literature on the subject, and some experts reckon that Aspie Men will take things a lot more slowly, than NT men. If you think that men in general aren't too keen on commitment, just add a good few more months/years to that, when you are talking about your aspie guy.

I have no solutions, but can share experiences. PM me, if you need to.

Good luck!

Addressing the bolded parts.

1. I was about to tell you off for this, but I realized before I began typing that it's very simply a case that you're ignorant of what autistic traits are & likely only think of very low functioning autistics when you hear the word. Chances are you've met many autistic people/nerds in your life that you never knew were on the autism spectrum. There's also a good chance that many of them don't know they are, either.

2. He made it abundantly crystal clear that he didn't want a relationship, only a friend with benefits/f**k buddy/whatever. He was transparent about it from the beginning, you agreed.

3. Sort of. It was the FWB type relationship. Friends, casual sex, that's it. Especially to him, as that's what he specified it as. You were the only one of the two of you considering your arrangement as a developing relationship. Very simply, you developed feelings for him, and he didn't develop them for you.

4. He explained why he wasn't in contact much in the Winter. You didn't accept his reasons & assumed it had something to do with you. It didn't.

5. He was still being consistent with your original arrangement of being Friends With Benefits. I would have said the same if I were him - exactly the same even. He's not interested in a relationship with you, or likely anyone right now, and thus why would he hold you to being with him vs. reiterate that you're free to date whomever you like? Also, I might not have told you this myself, but absolutely I'd blow off casual sex to hang out with my best friend. I have a true friendship/relationship with my best friends & have foregone getting laid many times over just to hang out with him/them & wouldn't hesitate to do so in the future, either. I can get laid by a friend with benefits whenever, but I can't replace time I spend with best friends I truly care about and love having in my life. They take priority every time.

6. You were shocked because you were the only one of the two of you developing feelings and emotional attachment for the other, even though he was abundantly clear that he didn't want a relationship. There is nothing from his side. There won't ever be, either. Accept that. It's reality.

7. You agreement was for casual sex. He's holding up his end of the bargain, you're getting attached. He hasn't done anything wrong. Get over it.

8. Because he realizes you're getting attached and wants nothing to do with a relationship, only casual sex. Period. The more attached and needy you get, the less interested he's going to be in even hooking up with you because he doesn't want strings to start getting attached to your arrangement when it was set out right from the beginning that it was to be a no strings attached sexual arrangement. Period.

9. No, you have dates. He hangs out, talks about his mutual interests with you, then gets laid and goes home. That's it.

10. He's not into you like you're into him. You can't do anything about that. There may not be anything wrong with you whatsoever, it may just be the stage of life he's at or due to past relationships or whatever, but he doesn't want a relationship with you (or possibly anyone) right now and you can't make him want that no matter what you say or do. Accept it.

11. He's ignoring you online because he knows you want a relationship and he's not into that. He's probably a-ok with having sex if you're not going to continuously try to attach strings to the arrangement, but likely avoiding you because he knows that's what you're doing & he doesn't want it. Accept it. To him it's only been about physical sex, there is no emotional attachment. If I were him I'd ignore you and jerk off rather than put myself into the awkward scenario of you becoming attached to me just to get laid.

12. There is no relationship. He just likes getting laid. That's why that was your agreement. There is no relationship for him to end. You're the only one of the two of you perceiving this as a relationship beyond casual sex between consenting friends.

13. You've known where you stand from the very beginning. Fun hookups with a friend, that's it. There is no relationship and never will be.


And finally, this has nothing to do with him being AS and you being NT & everything to do with you both agreeing to a casual sex friends-with-benefits arrangement & then you getting attached and him not. I know I'm being very very blunt, but that's exactly what it is and always will be. Accept it & stop trying to get him to change and want a relationship and just have great sex, or accept it and move on and find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you at this time. There are no other options.

Sounds like you were one of his special interests. He was into you intensely for a moment then moved on. I've found this to be a common aspie trait. I've been guilty of it many times.

It sounds to me that he really did not want a relationship but more of a friends with benefits type relationship. A lot of what you have described I have experienced with an NT guy (although I noticed autistic qualities). He said he didn't want a relationship and he meant it!! Even though I mistook all the chatting we were doing as a some sort of a relationship. When you removed the sex there was nothing there. When you remove all of your efforts and there's nothing there, that is not and probably never was a relationship. You said this was "sort of a relationship. It's like being sort of pregnant-either you are or you aren't. Either it's a relationship or it's not. You wanted one, he didn't and so you hung on hoping he would change his mind. He even reiterated what your agreement was, but you were hoping things had changed-they had not. Your friendship has reached it's 'sell by date' and it seems he's moved on. I don't think this has anything to do with him being Autistic. Not to mention it seemed alcohol played an important part in your first hook up. That's just my opinion of course. I hope this doesn't come off to harsh but I've been through this and wished someone would have slapped some sense into me.

From what you say I see two different possibilities.

(1) He's not just into you. He wanted just casual sex and he meant it. He's very kind to you because he's very kind (usually Asperger, we're very kind to close relationships). So what you see, it's what it is.

(2) He's into your but he feels that, right now, he's not fullfilling his own expectatives and he's not prepared/worthy for a relationship. So he's very kind to you but he tries to chill down the relationship.

Which one? Only he knows.

Which is your best strategy? Talk clearly with him about it. Talk about your feelings and about your expectations and how you need, right now, to know which is his REAL situation.

Asperger we're not complicated, but you have to follow the right strategy (that usually is different from the one you should follow with a neurotypical). In general, going straight to the point and to lay your cards on the table (something that is not always a good idea with neurotypicals) uses to work very well with aspies.

Thanks a lot for your replies. It really helps seeing things clearly, even if I don't really want to.
Especially thanks to goldfish21, redrobin62 and IlovemyAspie for the harsh but honest words. It kind of confirms the suspicions I already had.

I guess the best thing to do is doing what Greb says, having a final (I suppose) conversation.

Thanks. I recently had no chance to talk to anybody about this.

"You were shocked because you were the only one of the two of you developing feelings and emotional attachment for the other, even though he was abundantly clear that he didn't want a relationship. There is nothing from his side. There won't ever be, either. Accept that. It's reality."

No one but him, knows that.

The last guy before this one now, said pretty much the same to me. What happened? We married.

So, for the record, not everything is set in stone. Yes, it might even be that he does mean it, and will follow through with it, but no one can guarantee that's what will happen.

I always find that as soon as I say OK and walk away, they come chasing and suddenly what wasn't a relationship, turns out to be one, after all. Yes, from the guy's point of view.

But walking away will save you time and energy.

You're right, I can't possibly know that. The only way for the OP to know is quite simply for her to bluntly ask her guy friend. Him being a black & white thinking logical Aspie who's likely honest to a fault will respond and tell her definitively.

And @sleepingwithghosts: I know I was very very blunt with what I had to say, but to me it's the brutal honest truth of the matter. I hope it's helpful and you're welcome. I hope things work out OK for you however they do, with or without him, don't let this whole thing drag you down any. It just is what it is and is beyond your control. Life goes on, let it.

Aspiesandra is right, no one knows but him. But what is happening to you just happened to me (almost exactly) just a few months ago and when I finally jammed him up about him Ignoring me you know what he said???? "....I've me someone else. I hope you understand ". WTF??? He couldn't have told me that earlier? He had to ignore me and 'hope' that I'd get the hint??? How high school is that?? Oh and during the "relatonship" he told me I'd lost my focus. It was always just sex and basically I "filled a need". Once again WTF??? I told him I wanted to fill a void not a need. I knew after all that I was not the friends with benefits, f**k buddy or whatever the hell you want to call it, material. So yeah maybe he'll come crawling back to you. But my advice would be to mentally prepare yourself for the reality that he never will. If he does, then revisit the situation and make clear you want a relationship. See, what happened was you knew that's what it was from the beginning but kept hoping something would develop for him like it was for you. Usually if a person says they don't want a relationship, they don't. Take them at their word. Unless they one day say "You know I was rethinking my relationship stance...." then take them at their word. Don't try to read anything into their actions. All that pseudo relationship crap is to make them feel better about using, yes using someone for sex without feeling like a douche lord.

Can't repeat this enough: Just break up with him and get a normal boyfriend.

"From the beginning he made it very clear that he is not into a relationship because he cannot fulfill his own requirements himself. "

Well there's your answer right there. He is not relationship material. His "girlfriend" is his "best friend" while he gets sex from you (or whoever) on the side. You're making a HUGE mistake chasing him and pining away for him. You must move on and in the .01% chance that he's not just a colossal jerk and can act like a normal human being in a relationship, let HIM chase YOU.

Sorry to be blunt but I have dealt with guys like this. He will cause you nothing but heartache and insecurity. Move on and find a man who will treat you well. Once you find that man and move on from this, I guarantee you will look back on this guy and wonder what the heck you were thinking and why did you put yourself through that kind of treatment.

And his being a jerk is not necessarily connected to AS. Look at his "best friend," he's more than willing to lavish attention on her. So he is capable of affection and caring-- when it suits him. He's probably like this because he's a self centered jerk, AS aside.

Feel free to PM me.

To the girl inquiring about her aspie boyfriend and the other comments made to her....I'll make a list since it's easier for some of us:

1. I'm in love with an autistic man and while he has not explicitly stated that he would not want a relationship with me or that he would I believe there is more there and I want to believe there is more there so I empathize and want for your happiness with this man because that might mean good news for us all.

2. Relationships are fluid he might not want a commitment and he might not like the word relationship but that doesn't mean you can't think of yourself as being in a relationship with this guy. I would also keep your options open and date other guys that you like. If you really love him but think he's more into his best friend then date other guys. Maybe you'll find you like someone else better or maybe he'll change his mind about a commitment and then you'll have to decide between him or your new date. I think that's one of the bigger reasons why dating someone with autism/aspies is difficult and it just goes with the territory perhaps.

3. Myself, I've been head over heels for the same autistic man for 6 years. I've always been strong enough independent, didn't really know he was autistic like you thought he was just really brilliant nerdy type but someone told me later that he was. I've always felt like we have something but our professional relationship would be in jeopardy if we went any further. Once I learned he was autistic it started to make sense why in addition to our professional boundaries he might not be as into me. Again though, I've read not to think of it that way. I think he is into me more than he lets on even if he has someone else sleeping with him. I don't really know what his personal life is only professional. I see a similar parallel between our two relationships though. He might think of me more as a friend or a life partner but not a sex partner? Like you though, I want the whole package. I have a *fbuddy right now or friend with benefits* in the meantime because it's no fun being lonely but I want to have this autistic man's kids and be married to him one day.

I think this thread shows something important: NT girls should watch-out for these kind of arrangements, because to them sex is bonding, but for the Aspie guy it might not be. This will result in the NT girl getting attached while the Aspie will just see it as a FWB situation, and will not attach. In this case it even appears the Aspie guy negotiated all this from the start, but the NT girl didn't take it seriously and thought he would change his mind. He might have if sex was bonding for him too, but not otherwise.

Of course, the best in this situation probably is that the NT girl backs-out, but if she doesn't want to do that, she should at least no longer have sex with him. The only way to get the attachment going for him would be to develop a true friendship without sex.

Bolded parts: ????
Some people like to have casual sex without bonding. Period. Women and men can choose to have it. This is not related to asperger's.

In my opinion, the guy wanted casual sex only. As an aspie, I have trouble to respond at the same level, but absolutely no problem in giving tips I have interest. What happens, tho, is that sometimes these tips are very small for NTs and they think I don't care or I'm just feeling sorry (not the case here, as he seems to be giving no tips at all).
I agree that a final and sincere talk may avoid any further harm to your feelings.

Wishing the best for you.

Tbh I find most of that hard to understand. So I can't relate sorry.

I do have relationship requirements, as in I don't need or want to the level of dependance of a typical relationship, I get a lot out a little social contact, and am very independent, and am attracted to independence.

But the key differnce, is I can't for the life of me understand why people aren't more upfront about their requirements. Or does that kill things?

Why are people purposely vague, and I don't think this is an ASD issue either, it something I have observed and a fairly typical thing. I think you are both guilty of skirting over things, and maybe playing a game to an extent.

My requirements being what they are I have been reluctant to peruse relationships, becuase I wouldn't be sure it would work. But on the other hand how could I fail to mention it, if that is who I am?

Regarding reciprocation it did take me a while to learn that, but then again I didn't even understand friendship properly at that point so par for the course. I do make a conscious effort, but bare in mind my friends are people who are quite independent, and busy so we don't meet that often which suit us. I think if I had to do it every day that would be too much.

I just came back from holiday, and whilst it was nice, boy do I love my solitude and am glad to be back. This is not becuase I hate my friends either.