Getting over someone you can never be with

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Basically I have madly liked the same person for over two years now, more towards three years, she happens to be one of my closest friends. Sadly our feelings are not mutual she is an amazing person and i accept that we can never be together. But how can i get rid of my feelings for her? everytime we speak or do something i get butterflys and its hard to be around her sometimes so i dont know what to do:

do i stop contact with her and potential lose one of my only close friends, i have mentioned stopping seeing her in the pass to get over her but i couldnt bring myself to do it, she was fine with it though. I dont know if this would work though ive barely seen her this past 2 months with my long hours and her college exams and that did nothing to help. or do i just keep putting up with it like i have for the past 3 years, though i dont know if i can keep doing this, i dont like mentioning it to her so i keep it to myself mostly.

Anyway what advice or stories do you have that are of a similar situation and how did you deal
with it/ solve it

My first topic, hopefully you will see me around more and maybe i will get to know some of you in the chat and other topics etc anyway cya/

Last edited by Hoggy on 01 Apr 2013, 8:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

when I was 17 I fell in love with this guy. We dated and everything was going great until I found out my mother had spent most of the money I had for college. Basically I felt like I had no future and so I broke up with him. It utterly broke my heart and it took a long time to get over him.

I had to change everything I did and places I went to get over him. If I'm honest with myself I'll admit I still do love him. You may never get over her but at some point you have to accept that you'll never have this person in your life the way you'd like to have them. It doesn't stop hurting I'm 32 and I still think about that guy and how much I loved him despite being married to someone else.

I have been in a similar situation before.

The answer for me was: Find someone else to madly like.

I'm in a very similar situation myself, except I no longer have butterflies and all that.

I've discussed the topic w/ him & he's OK with what it is and we're still amazingly close friends. He knows I may always have a crush on him, but I know I'll always love him - and my love for him as the person and friend he is to me is far greater than my crush on him could ever be, so I'm OK with it. I'd certainly be open to more of a "relationship," still, of course, but I'm OK with the friendship we have because it's awesome and I wouldn't ever not want to have it. I couldn't fathom either of us dropping the other as a friend over this. If anything it's kinda made us better friends than we ever were, as it's resulted in some pretty deep conversations and admissions, discussions about the fact that I do love him and want him to be happy far more than I want him to be with me, things like that.

I don't know if this sort of set of conversations is for every pair of friends going through something like this, but its been pretty awesome for me.

I've also found that since getting my own head straightened out a lot better in terms of AS/ADHD & other symptoms that my emotions aren't as intense about this, or anything, and that's helped as I've been a more.. balanced person.

But genuinely appreciating his friendship in my life far more than my crush on him has certainly been key to accepting things as they are and just moving forward as the friends we are to one another.

^^^ Why I don't want a relationship

This.
Find someone to take your mind off of her.

What MannyBoo said. A word of caution, though. Be careful that you actually like the replacement for themselves and not just as a distraction from your obsession, and that you would actually choose to be with the person you are with if given a choice, rather than the one you have been obsessing over, before you get too serious. I actually got married to someone else(and divorced), and my obsession never went away. Then I met the person I am with now, and it did.

Cut off contact and in the process end up cutting off contact with 99% of your old social group and "friends." Do some random masochistic hobby like weightlifting or working on cars because you hate yourself but you want the hate to materialize into something cool looking and impressive. Be miserable, but hot looking, and then some other random girls will come along that you probably don't feel as strongly for, but will like you, and then you either eventually settle with one of them or continue in your spiral toward a life of hell being alone. Eventually she'll be such a faint memory and only a vague idea, and not even a real person anymore, just another mistake and/or failure among many on your miserable road of life.

At least this is what I did. Your case is better, at least you tried and she's not married.

Because you don't want to have to learn to experience emotions and deal with them? That's not such an awesome reason, IMO.

That's certainly not why I don't want a relationship. My reasons are more along the lines of wanting to focus on other areas of my life and getting them all on track how I Need them to be before considering a relationship. Career/finances/self sufficiency etc, then I can worry about meeting someone after I've got my s**t together better.

This will probably work but like another poster said you have to make sure the next person isn't a rebound. This happened to me recently. In love with someone, he said he's not relationship material, I move on, get dumped but all the while still in love with the original guy. But I decided I didn't want to lose his friendship so I suppress my feelings for him. I reread the email where he told me doesn't function in relationships. Or the one where he told me he's fine by himself and that it will probably always be that way. I just remind myself we'll always be just friends. I try not to let my mind develop a relationship. I just keep reminding myself of these things. You could cut off contact....I could have but I told him I'd rather have him as a friend instead of nothing at all.

If anyone follows my blog, you'd know I have a mad celebrity crush. At this point, there's no one for me to madly like. And the one girl whose mad about me has a smile that makes me cringe. I hate saying that, but I just don't find her really pretty. Something about her doesn't click in me. But there's a girl out there for me, so I ain't giving up, even if she's not as flashy as I'd like.

But I plan to be active this year in activities, so who knows.

1000Knives, I'd try what you did, but I really like my friends.

f**k emotions. Life's too hard for silly emotions and feelings. I hate the hell out of mine and wish I didn't have any like I used to. Also, I justified ignoring my feelings using almost your exact same logic. "Oh no, my life is bad, I can't be in a relationship." Same s**t.

Anyway, my life is pretty much gonna be like the Coral Castle guy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coral_Castle

Because they're low feeling emotions vs. high? I've felt both over the years, and while the lows were reeeeeeeallly low, I wouldn't want to have never experienced the highs in order to not to have gone through the lows. You can't have the sweet without the bitter and all that balance stuff. I've now got the lows much better under control and behind me, hopefully more for good, and am feeling alright. I wouldn't want to not feel, though.. even in my darkest days I knew I'd felt much happier before and could again.

Because I don't want to be someone's plan B, actually.
I've been in several long term relationships, and nearly got married... I think I've experienced enough emotion for a while.

Fair enough. At least you say "for a while," vs. stating it as a permanent decision, because you just never know when that might change again. Maybe not for years, but w/e.

Currently I am in a similar situation. Only difference is she is the one with the busy schedule and we're separated by two hours by train. Which may bring some more difficulties into that whole thing.

I actually wouldn't even want to start a relationship with her as we've had very different pasts; she was politically active her whole youth through, organized shows at her local youth centre, went to antifascist demonstrations from very early on while I had the most boring youth one could imagine and I think I'd be the worst disappointment she could ever have as a significant other.

In my case I think my feelings will cease as soon as she returns them and she seems to indicate that sometimes (which is really hard for me to comprehend, if, how, and why she would). Don't know about you or that case in general, however.

As far as I can tell, forcing yourself to move on and dating someone else won't work that well. You'd be distracted for a while, but they'll notice your feelings aren't that intensive and even though a relationship might establish, it won't last for long.