hi, this will be pretty much the first time ive spoken about 'myself' being my problems i have to pretty much anyone, including my relatives.
i will just explain what i feel like and have.
im a 19 year old male
i have to be doing something to use my brain, 24/7, if im ever not doing something i feel sad(one reason i have difficulty sleeping), this has results in me just putting myself 150% into things excluding everything out, including most daily activites; eg. if i start a new job, i put everything into it for the first few weeks then it bores me. i started running at nights, now i do it every single night of my life without fail, because i need to do it. i play a game, i dont stop playing til im the best, then i will move onto something else, it seems i need something to occupy myself or to stop me thinking about everything(i am depressed, and suffer from general anxiety disorder too) i find it impossible to do more than 1-2 things at a time in general, if its keeping fit or a game, i cannot enjoy or motivate myself for anything else, infact anything which stops me from doing my task at hand at the time i see it as a burden, this is usualy people, or a job, or another activity.
so to sum that up, i have to be doing something, and making progress in what ive chose my 'obsession' to be, if anything gets in the way of my 'obsession' it angers me much so.
ok, my way of thinking. everything that involves itself with me i have to non stop think and analyse, this is: social example, if someone talks to me, i will immeditaly picture myself talking back to them and pretty much play out what i think the whole converation will be about, and what it will lead to, also non stop thinking of what the other person is thinking about me while im involved in conversation, or what they are thinking if someone is just merely looking at me, i have to break down every part and study it. i find it very hard to make eye contact with anyone and also dont know how to interpertate theyre body language etc, which often leaves me clueless as to what im doing in a conversation.i question my thoughts alot, then question them again and again, my thinking/brain is never not active, and it always has to be either analysing etc, i find this hard to explain but maybe there is someone that knows what im talking about.
i hate to be involved in social interactions/friends because i never know what to say, i usualy sit there and just listen and take in information which i can hopefully use, to socially talk i will uselly intellectualy learn from someone else, and copy therye way of speech to help me, otherwise i get flustered and dont know what to say, i try to avoid every social interaction possible in a way i find it hard to explain. even as im writing this now i am thinking why am i writing it, is it done properly, will they udnerstand me or think im a freak, and im even typing my thoughts now.
my usual daily routine will be firstly on my pc, checking the same 3 sites, every day, ill also go for a jog at 10:30-11pm as close to as possible, because i like to jog late to avoid other people seeing me. i for some reason do the same pose in the mirror most mornings which is pretty ridiculous even tho i can see myself doin it, i still do it unconsiously.
apart from this i will be putting myself into whatever my so called obsession is at the time, and if anything comes in the way of that i will get very upset/more depressed. if anything intererupts my daily routine i get very anxious my thoughts fly.
i am very sensitive to touch, any light touch made to various parts of my body gives me a little shiver or goosebumps, also anyone invading my personal space makes me very very anxious and defensive, i always see the small things other people dont, i always have to break down things and put them through my thought process, i cannot stop doing this as i do it unconsiously.
i dont know if that makes any sense to anyone, but at least i finaly talked about what i could, and promised myself that i will try to figure out what i have, if i have anything that is and that im not just looking for an excuse.
all i can say if thanks for at least reading, and any feedback would be much appreciated, i cant even make much sense of what ive wrote myself, but i wont edit it, iill just post it now before i change my mind.
*small edit, my IQ is 138 and i scored 165 out of 200 on an aspie quiz thingy*
12 Jan 2007, 4:50 pm
