Ex kidnapping our children again. Depressed. Advice?

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Oh gawd... I'm a mess. I've been in a full-blown aspie shutdown since my eldest son (9) accidentally spilled the beans about their mom's latest sneaky move. It's bad enough she's been denying visitation as much as possible for the last 3 years, but now she's trying to sneak out of town with them. Again. This time it's happening so fast (end of this month) that there's no way I could get to court to stop it.

Quite frankly, I've been very cautious about getting the courts involved... there's lots of reasons why, but the biggest is that if we were to go to court right now, she'd probably lose ALL custody, with them coming to me.

You might think this is a good thing, and it is... the kids would no longer be living in filth (from floor to ceiling, like a nasty episode of Hoarders), proper education (her homeschooling is woefully inadequate), proper food (she's barely functional enough to feed them one meal a day, they fend for themselves at 7 & 9!) and I'd be able to teach them all the important life lessons currently being swept under the carpet. Child Services has been called on her AT LEAST six times (NEVER by me!) and the kids are NOT doing well in her inadequate care...
They're sometimes under the care of her ex-satanist mother and step-dad who are both psychotic nutbags who DESTROYED my two nephews who lived with them... how long until they turn their fury on my kids? While alone with "grampa" one of them ended up with a broken collarbone from a "sledding mishap"... for his sake, I sure hope so.

So why don't I get them out of there?

Call me insane, but I still love and care for that woman... and ~half of this whole mess is NOT her fault. 7 years ago her sister was hideously, brutally tortured then killed by her husband. After that, she somehow got it in her head that she was next... Despite me never showing violence in any way, she began to fear and mistrust me. She dealt with that by controlling my every move and not allowing me to show any negative emotion whatsoever - from mere pessimism, to frustration, to actual anger - the smallest display would bring her fury!
It was obvious to most that she needed counseling! Badly! However, she adopted many of her psychotic mother's beliefs, such as, "counselors are useless and only wusses go to them" and "There's no such thing as depression - only losers having a pity-party."

Just as she refused all counseling (etc) to mend our failing marriage, she also refused all counseling/therapy to recover from her sister's murder. Bringing up the subject would arouse her wrath as well - that I was an insensitive as*hole for just wanting her to "get over it".
(Sorry about the extensive detail... I hope the backstory helps.)

So why don't I save the kids from this mess? Because if I go to court right now, she'd be destroyed. If she were to lose the kids in her current emotional state, I see two very likely possible outcomes:
a) she'll lose her mind entirely and shut down 100% (vs her current 80%) and possibly even kill herself, or,
b) she'll lose her mind entirely and kill the children, rather than let them go to "a monster" she fears so much.
(before you say that's unlikely, it's actually quite common. Most children are murdered by their moms, and usually in a case just like this! There've been ~3 this year in my province alone!)

I've tried so very, very hard not to hurt her... to show her that I'm not the enemy she fears - but there's just NO getting past that irrational fear I'm going to brutally murder her out-of-the-blue just like her sister was. I've always paid every cent of child support (and then some) despite the fact she prevents me from seeing them as much as she can... (I'm lucky to see them for a few hours a month, and always under her watchful gaze) and have been as communicative and amiable as possible. She, however, simply refuses all communication except the most essential, and/or to ask for more money.


...I could use some advice or opinions. I think I've done all I can while being non-confrontational... I think it's time to finally douse the flame I've kept lit for her and start fighting for the kids. I don't think I'll be able to save her... but maybe I can save the kids from their current awful surroundings. If I do get full custody, I would *not* prevent visitation like she has. (Unless she's REALLY a mess and I have reason to believe she'd harm or kidnap them... I'd want her to get counseling for that while she still sees them OFTEN - in a safe way.)

It's time for action. Now. No more "soft and gentle"... Three years of kindness have softened her up occasionally, but ALWAYS she rebounds from her brief moment of tenderness with harsh cruelty. I wonder if her mother is the influencer there...
...but it's time to act. Should I go to family court, knowing it'll likely destroy her but save the kids from an unhealthy life?


Thanks.

the kids need you. do what you must to protect them. your ex is an adult and should be treated as such with full responsibility for her actions.

I'd be going to family court - you should have done that a long time ago.

If she has any friends left, I would also put them on notice that if she if having suicidal thoughts or anything of the kind, that they should check her into the nearest mental institution temporarily - they can tell the mental institution that she's a danger to herself and possibly others if that's is what it takes.

Just be matter-of-factly firm with your attorney, that you want both of you to have contact. You obviously should be the main custodial parent, but it may take a court a while to come to this conclusion, or the judge may come to this conclusion quickly, impossible to predict.

BlueMax, it's obvious from your post that you genuinely care for your ex and your children and this is a horrible situation for you to be in. Now, I say this as a person who in childhood was raised by a similar mother as your ex, in similar (from your brief description) conditions to your sons. Leaving them with their mother for any longer than they have to be is a bad idea.

Now, when I was removed from my mother's care by social services she did try to kill herself and was admitted to a psychiatric ward. Now, none of this helped my mother, or her mental health. But I should not have been allowed to remain in her care for so long - it's had lasting impact on my mental health and self-esteem, pretty much every aspect of my life. Unfortunately for me I was given to relatives who, as soon as my mother was released, returned me to her care as she threatened them with violence, knives, etc (and then I was sent back to them, and an unfortunate cycle began).

So, for the sake of your sons I'd recommend removal very closely coordinated with your local authorities, to develop some kind of protection plan for you and your sons in the event she becomes violent. They deserve to be safe, you deserve to be safe.

I really, really hope this situation is resolved soon, my thoughts are with you in what must be an extremely difficult time. Stay strong.

Wow.... to hear it from the other side like that REALLY means a lot to me! Thank you so much for sharing that...

...that might be the driving motivator as this battle inevitably heats up.

Thank you.

[UPDATE:] OMG! I've just been made aware of more info... I simply can't believe she thinks I'm trying to kill her - and she's telling this to anyone who will listen!

Gad, how I hate slander...

My aunt put my uncle through a more drawn out (but less extreme scenario) she threatened to divorce him for years, defied him at the expense of the kids (told them they didn't have to go to school), and spent all his money trying to make a music career take off.

Yours sounds more intense, but I've noticed some similarities, both women aren't right and both seem to be willing to drag their children into it.

I understand why it wouldn't sit well with you knowing how it could turn out, but she's already not right, and your kids are in a bad environment. You'll be making the right choice by taking them.

Sounds like you are in the right. Take the action to care for the kids, and don`t be discouraged. Try your best to help her get better too, but it may not be possible.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I don't know what to say to you about it, except that I have confidence in you and believe that you will know the right thing to do and do it.

(((hugs))))

If you ever want to just talk or vent or anything like that, my inbox is always open, for real.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Maybe your ex wife will get the help she needs if you do go to court.

I am glad that you aren't saying bad things about their mother to your children, even if they are true bad things. That could create conflict in them because they might feel bad because they love her. But really, their health and safety should come first. I think you should try to get full custody and allow supervised visits.

I gave my ex full custody of our two children and pay him child support. I will never say anything bad about him to them because he is a very good parent and they love him. I don't think it's right to put a child in the position your ex is putting them in.

If I had known about the "family gift" sooner, I wouldn't have reproduced again.

"Family gift".... more appropriate than you know. Before I knew about AS, I was proud of my superior thinking abilities and almost blissfully unaware of just how debilitating my social inabilities were. I thought my lovely wife's similar intelligence, talents and beauty combined with my own skills... well, I used to joke it was our duty to breed a race of super-humans.

My first-born son is an exact duplicate - a mini-me in almost every way! She doesn't understand what he's going through and is only making things worse by shielding him from everything in her homeschool environment... he was only six when his peers were starting to see him as a weirdo to be shunned... at nine and no special lessons, he's only getting more and more "weird" to the rest of the world.

Had I known, I would have adopted... but since my two boys are here, I'd give anything to teach them (and continue to learn together) how to overcome our challenges and still find a nice niche in this crazy world. I've wasted the day in another shutdown... it's too late to get to the courthouse, but I should try to find a lawyer who can help me at a compassionate flat rate.

...and get a new job. *sigh*

Someone needs to care what happens to those kids, and apparently that is you. You can't guess what will happen to your ex if the court takes the kids, that is not a reasonable excuse for not taking action to keep your kids safe and help them grow up in some kind of stability.

WTF??! !?

11PM on a Saturday night and I just got an email from her lawyer outlining the details of visitation she's set up...

It basically translates to:
1) She gets them all the time
2) She can move away within "driving distance"
3) I can see the kids when she just happens to be in my city for other reasons (so if she conveniently never comes to town, I'll never see them)
4) If I do happen to see them, I must have another person with me she trusts (and she doesn't trust anyone except expensive professional services) until such time as... well... whenever she decides... (which is never.)

What BS!! Of course, this is nothing new... it's been the same story for over 3 years now.
No, lawyer, I will NOT agree to these terms!


Gosh, I wish men got free advocate lawyers pushing for fathers' rights for over three years! Must be freakin' nice to have an enormous political movement to back me up with never-ending support, freebies, and dirt-cheap housing!


Bitterness aside, it looks like the fight is ON! No more Mr. Forgiveness!

To hell with your looper of an ex - she is an adult and she is responsible for her actions (if she is mentally ill, she should be sectioned). Do anything it takes to look after your children. If that means denying her all visitation rights until she becomes vaguely sane (or kills herself), so be it. Your children's health and mental wellbeing is at stake here and they should be your only priority now.