Overzealous to please as overcompensating mechanism for ASD?

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The more I read about this online, the more it made sense - for many years, I was acting in a way that was trying too hard to please others and keep them happy, to the point where it appeared "odd" or as I would describe it in hindsight, "overcompensating".

What I've learned from this, as many of you no doubt have, is such overcompensating behaviour opens the door to use being taken advantage of, due to our inherent naivete and lack of theory of mind e.g. due to context X, situation Y, and nonverbal nuance Z, person A might not want our help with G right now. That thought process is ingrained in neurotypicals so they instinctively know when to not intervene and politely (but obliquely!) tell the other person why they can't. It took me many years to get the hang of this and get reasonably good at it to being passable, realizing that things were not black-and-white, that I could be seen as something of "the bad guy" once in a while without being self-sacrificing.

I suspect that much of this overcompensating behaviour stems from past unjustified labels of being branded "selfish", "insensitive", etc, etc, just because of our inability to subconsciously pick up on unspoken factors in a situation. So it is a perfectly rational response on our part to rebut those perceptions, but we tend to go too far sometimes and annoy people. This "trying too hard" behaviour can be deadly (figurative) and backfire on us, especially in dating circles where NT customs prevail.

So that's one thing I definitely find a bit of a paradox; some of the earlier literature circa 2001 or so said that people with Aspergers are unwilling to please people, and I remember this article from back then compared Aspergers to cats rather than dogs. Clearly, that logic is quite flawed, as people with Aspergers like myself have been more than willing, more than they ought, to act in a way to please others as they desire harmony and good relations with others but it all comes down to the root cause of not intuitively knowing unspoken protocols by situational context.

Jayo

The reason why it can be natural for aspies to please others too much is because aspies often lack the "independence material" or what I call a subjective viewpoint. They relate things in the world too little to their own life as a result of being overwhelmed by the many details they perceive from the world (as opposed to the whole concepts NTs receive from the world).

The solution is to relate more things in the world to your own life - in that way making your own life feel more important. Then you will start to serve your own life more instead of only the lives of others.

I have often been told I am too nice. my ultimate goal in most of my social relationships is to make sure the other person is pleased.

OP, I definitely think it can be the case for a number of Aspies like myself, that they overcompensate and try too hard to please. I think I even took it a step further, and put myself under duress to stay on top of the non-verbal social and emotional queues, to try and anticipate what the other person might want from me.

I've characterized that tendency of mine as being over-empathetic. I've always been very sensitive in general, but not sure of what all the cues mean or what I should do in response.

This is interesting. It reminds me of my father.

I think I used to be that way, but I was exploited too much and eventually stopped. Currently, I navigate social situations mostly with the help (or crutch, depending on how you look at it) of politeness - until someone or the situation as a whole no longer deserves it. If people can't handle politeness - which is unfortunatly often seen as weakness where I am - then all bets are off.

My partner recently said I'm like the library ghost in Ghostbusters. Do you remember that scene? I haven't seen it in a while, but from what I remember, the Ghostbusters are in the library, making noise, and a ghost is quietly reading a book. Disturbed by the Ghostbusters, the ghost shushes them once very calmly. They continue to be noisy and try to catch it, and then (at the second interference) the ghost goes off at them. That's pretty much me. But I thought the comparison was funny. I'd never thought of it myself.

But back on topic, I do think I recognise my father in what you wrote about trying to please others in order to cope socially.

I recently became aware of how my "people-pleasing" nature actually works against me. My experience of ASD goes beyond the early understanding of it as socially withdrawn, to overall socially inept behavior. I have come to realize that I am "that guy" in the office who always has the cheerful and enthusiastic greetings, and that tries too hard to be helpful. Now that I am paying closer attention to the reactions of others, I notice this is off-putting to many coworkers.

I have now begun to throttle-back my over compensation. To my surprise, I find I now go throughout the day feeling more emotionally centered. Maybe it is because I am now behaving more in line with my nature as opposed to striving in vain to attain some NT-centric ideal that I never quite reach. Whatever. I am a happier and more productive person now that I am being more myself.

My brother told me last night that one of the reasons everyone avoided me growing up was that I was "too eager" to be nice and please others and that completely creeped everyone out. He also said that's why girls wanted nothing to do with me even though I had almost zero interest in romance a few years back. Like I've said, it seems I go out of my way to help others and while older adults appreciate it, most my age or younger seem to assume I have a hidden selfish agenda and I'm not sure why.

Being too willing to please can often be read as "having no social capital to offer", or worse, "something's wrong with this person" vibes.

I know I am definitely too eager to please. My husband sometimes calls me a snivelling, boot-licking dog.

He's right.

I will beg for acceptance, go along with and even facilitate things I know are wrong, buy friendships, allow myself to be made a kick-me dog and a scapegoat, and all the while I will fight any attempt to point out what I am doing to myself. I will relentlessly tell myself that I deserve it, that I can expect no better, et cetera ad nauseam.

I can't be any other way. If I even think about trying, the conditioning kicks in. It says, "People with Asperger's are selfish, stubborn, and uncaring. If you do not want to be a monstrosity, you must be selfless, compliant, and express and act with sympathy for everyone and everything. The only point of view that does not, must not, matter is your own."

It makes me a walking victim...

...but most people want a victim, as long as it's their victim. Most people don't mind you being a victim, as long as they are getting what they want out of victimizing you.

People only mind you being a victim when it profits someone else and inconveniences them.

Asperger's. It's Unperson Disease, right???

I was like that, too. But it never worked for me. Even if I tried, the results were often either that I was still called selfish somehow or that people saw me as rather obsequious or something. Whatever I tried, I always ended up being the subject of bitching. I must be missing something. By now I know I just lack the natural ability to interact with people appropriately to the situation. I must have been born without that ability. I have given up. Now I don't care if my actions offend others. I do what I like and if it hurts others, it's a bonus.

This was me as a child.

To me, being a "good kid" was part of my identity.

BTW, I've read that people get creeped-out by too much "niceness" because they assume that if you're super nice, then you must be hiding some kind of sinister agenda.