It is to such an extent that I will only write about it or discuss it in circumstances where someone else is at much greater risk than I am. I have a quality of aloofness in my character and rate very highly on the scale of aloofness. Yet I also evolved an ability for understanding empathy, which at times can be and has been a very painful burden that I've wished I'd never learned. At other times, it has been a gift akin to second sight which has helped me to save the lives of people no one else knew to be in trouble.
To have AS and to see trouble before it manifests and be the messenger who delivers the news people are not wanting to hear is just touching the surface of the vulnerability. I notice things that others don't and ask questions, like: "what are those plastic things hanging in the closets and from the ceilings?" I was told they were a miraculous insect killer -- perfectly safe -- not a single bug had been seen in more than a year! Yet the people living in the home had both suffered mysterious problems: a type of pneumonia which resulted in such severe respiratory shutdown that the person must now use oxygen 24/7; a sudden, strange disorientation that was said to be a stroke, but primarily resulted in giving the person a number of blood pressure medications to stabilize her BP and implant a Pacemaker to control a rapid heartbeat. What is sad is that neither of these episodes are likely to have ever happened.
Both people suffer frequent headaches and irritated eyes. About three months ago, weather was often cold and I was asked to work indoors. My eyes began to bother me, as if they were infected. I see my Primary Care Doctor once a month and at my appointment just over two months ago, I felt ill and was running a low fever. Even though I have asthma, my oxygen level is usually at 98 -- it had fallen to 94. I tend to get "walking" Pneumonia in winter weather due to breathing smoke from wood stoves and my lungs didn't sound good, so I was given an antibiotic. I also learned the name of the hanging insecticide and did the research. My symptoms were consistent with moderate exposure to this pesticide, which is NOT intended for use in homes. It's meant for use in storage lockers, crawl spaces, basements, summer homes, boats. I recovered, but my energy levels remained low and my oxygen level stayed at 94. I had to tell these people who were suffering from persistent health problems: "You have hung poison all over your home" and be treated with disbelief for fully six weeks until I became more emphatic: "I am getting ill from being in your house...and so are you. Here are the facts."
It is strange to be treated with resentment for telling people the truth. It is also strange when people are more afraid of getting a fly in their house than they are of slowly dying from excessive and almost continuous exposure to a Chloinesterase Inhibitor. It is not as if they cannot buy non-toxic sticky strips and hang them in places that aren't visible and I can't take them down for them. And they're not living in a place where Malaria or even West Nile virus is a threat, where an overreaction might make any sense. So, part of the explanation lies in the fact that people will become angry at me for my intelligence, because I notice something that they either didn't notice or chose to ignore. It is painful to care and far more painful to be put down for caring.. When I point out a serious hazard, I'm not trying to show off how smart I am! That is one of the stranger interpretations people seem to have about me -- and this has caused me to withdraw completely from people I once cared a great deal for and be unable to look back.