How did you feel after your baby was born?

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This is more of a question for Aspergers males, but I would love to hear Aspergers female's point of views as well. I am NT, but I know with Aspergers is it very common for it to be hard if not impossible to imagine certain things. I know it would also be equally as impossible to imagine having a child and being a parent before the baby was born. My question is, once your child was born, what were your feelings? Did it suddenly become 'real' in a good way or a bad way? How did it change your thoughts, your life, etc.?

Thank you!

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I am guessing based on what you posted and your gender, that you are either pregnant or are wanting to have a baby with an Aspie male, and you have concerns as to how enthusiastic he will feel when the baby is born. Is that right? Or is the baby already here, and you are confused by his reaction? Or are you contemplating having a baby with an Aspie and are trying to figure out if it is a good idea?

The reason I ask is not to be nosy. It is because Aspies are very literal, and tend to answer the question as asked, and you might get better, more specific answers if we know your specific concerns.

Aspies deal best with concrete information. Showing him the positive pregnancy test is not a bad idea if you haven't gotten to the pregnancy part yet.

Anyway, the pregnancy might not seem "real" until he can see the "baby bump" and maybe feel the kicks. I made a "baby detector" out of a paper plate, and put it on my tummy when we were sitting watching TV so he could see it move when the baby kicked. (My husband is more ADD than Aspie, but it still helped.) It felt real enough to me very early, because I got nauseous very early.

It is important that he is aware of all the sensory related information, so he can be prepared also. The smells the noises, the missed sleeep etc. Also, he has to know that it will encroach upon his special interest/decompression time. That is the hardest for me, but I knew that going in, so I was prepared at least to some extent.

Neither my husband or had too many issues imagining how it would be. My husband had a bunch of cousins and I did a lot of research. Again, depending on where you are in this process, if the baby has not yet arrived then exposure to little ones and as much information as you can get him, will probably prepare him.

I am not sure what other type of info you want. If you provide more background, I can probably type something somewhat less rambling.

Thank you very much for getting back to me. I am pregnant with my Aspie husband's baby. I am concerned about how he will react when the 'big day' comes. He tells me he cannot picture anything to do with it, however it is 'real' to him, so right now he is generally 'neutral' to the idea of everything (his words). I just wanted to hear other people's experiences to kind of get a better idea of how the Asperger's mind views the whole situation. I have no idea what kind of reaction to anticipate from him since it is such a big and life changing event, and obviously everyone is different, but I just want to have the best understanding as possible.. especially so I can be as helpful as possible with bonding, etc. Adding - I am also not very far along, so as you said, maybe I will have a better idea as it becomes visibly more real. Thank you for the great tips on including him, sometimes I feel like I am bothering him with that stuff, but I can see how being there with me every step of the way would be beneficial. I try to tell him that I have great faith in him as a father and that I know (hope) as soon as he sees his baby, his life will change forever, but he just can't see it. He is nervous that the mindset change, the love for his child, etc. wont be as instantaneous as it will be for me, since we think so differently.

I think that I can relate to what he is talking about... I am not male - but I can get the "not seeing it" bit. There are times I can be adamantly against something and just not grasp it.. then in the actual situation be perfectly ok/love it. I think that the moment he holds his baby he will have that unmistakable "He's/She's part of me" wonder that takes hold.

I have seen some pretty devoted, loving AS dad's out there

I think for AS and NT alike, the change that occurs in your life when you have a baby is not like anything you might have imagined it to be before it happened. Everyone tells you that having a baby will change your life. When they said that to me I was like, well yeah, OF COURSE it will but the reality is so much different than I could have imagined. In good ways and bad ways. I think very few people suffer sleep deprivation to the extent that parents of young children do. My (undiagnosed but pretty obviously Aspie) husband was supportive throughout the pregnancy and was very involved after the baby was born. He wanted very much to be involved in feeding the baby so I started pumping early on so he could give the baby a bottle. However, he was more inclined to want to do that at 3 pm than at 3 am The boys bonded well and he is a great dad!

Some Aspies do not emote very much so maybe by "neutral" he means that you cannot expect him to gush or emote too much. Does he tend to be "neutral" about most things? If that is how he generally is, then you have to be prepared that even when the baby comes he may not be as emotive as you maybe would wish. If that is the case, try to manage your expectations so that you are not too disappointed and if he does get gushy, it is a nice surprise. If he is generally emotive, but just is not, as yet, it may be just a matter of it becoming more concrete for him.

Congratulations!

It also might help make it more real once you get to the point of all the pre-baby buying and nesting. And those 3D ultrasounds are just awesome! They didn't do those with my first two (13 and almost 12), but did with the Sprout (almost 5). I imagine that in the last five years they could have only improved. Seeing a 3D model of your baby's face before he is born is just amazing and very concrete.

My husband is NT, but he is not the gushy or excitable type. I have heard that at work he talks about us all the time, but at home he can be pretty distant. So, with him, I never did get a lot of words about his feelings about the baby, but I did get to see that look of wonder when he looked at the baby.

Also, as a funny note, in the pictures just after he was born, I look pretty alert and my husband looks like a zombie--a happy one, but still a zombie, like he was more worn out than I was! LOL

I have been reading (listening to) John Elder Robison's new book, Raising Cubby, and he addresses this very thing in his book. I cannot begin to explain it as well as he does. He had a very different view of the new baby than the experience I had as a mother and being NT, but still bonded strongly with him and experienced love and attachment. You should at least read that part if you get a chance.

I am an Aspie mum. Trust me, once that baby is born it is real! There is no mistaking the huge responsibility, and the crying and exhaustion. There is a little person right there that needs so much from you. I felt highly protective of my babies when they were born (and ever since). So much so, that it's hard for me to relinquish them into someone else's care, but then I've had real problems with the failings of nurseries and schools, so this is not without foundation. I can't speak for an Aspie male, because the female's role is the more primary one, all I can think of is that he might feel overwhelmed at times and need to get away from the baby crying, and also don't feel sad if he doesn't seem supportive, you may need to spell out to him what help you need from him, it may seem obvious to you but that doesn't mean it is to him (and that can apply to any male, but more so to Aspies).

I'm Nt, and my DH is the Aspie, with as he says, "all the empathy of a cast iron skillet".

That being said, he has told me the best thing that ever happened to him is our DK (dear kid).

He's more Uncle than Dad, but I know he loves DK, and really tries hard to relate.

When I was pregnant, he was totally uninvolved, and I almost left him.

I consider myself very very lucky. There are many men ASD and NT, who want nothing to do with their children.

As an Aspie mum, I can say I found it hard to relate to my kids until they were talking.

I know, that's a long time But there were great times in between, but my babies seemed somewhat removed from me.

And the sleep deprivation and crying didn't help!

However, now they delight me with their worldview. And we have amazing conversations together.

I found it hard to prepare for their births, because I couldn't imagine it. Even the second time around, I was so focused on the first one, I couldn't imagine being able to divide my attention to include a second child.
That has been difficult at times, splitting between them, but I've learnt coping strategies, and my husband helped out. We had one each for a while.

But I don't want to discourage you, I absolutely adore my two boys, and wouldn't be without them in spite of the difficulties.

I'm sure all will be fine, when the time comes

I was always involved in the process and excited to have our two little ones on the way. I was there beside her and the midwife all through delivery (though cutting the cord was too icky for me - screw that stupid tradition!)

Holding my boys just after their birth made it even more "real" though, and brought on a flood of wonderful, loving emotions I already knew, but not to this intensity.

Having had them legally kidnapped by their mother brought on the same amount of emotion - all painful.

That's a beautiful picture.

I did bond with my kids right away, but I can remember feeling just terrified when they were newborns. They were just so little and helpless, and I was afraid I'd do something wrong, or forget something important with them (what if I forget where I put them? ). I always breathed a sigh of relief when they grew out of the everything in the mouth stage, so I could relax a teeny bit.

How can you anticipate the feeling of a completely new experience?

Before our first daughter was born I was mostly just nervous. Not fearful, but just nervous. At the hospital I was swept along with events. Immediately after the baby was born, the doctor shook my hand and said "Congratulations Bob!" My name is not Bob, but it was 4AM and whatever, I was not the focus of anybody's attention that night.

But when I first held my daughter I felt such an overwhelming sense of responsibility. With her eyes closed and her hand clasped around my finger, she was helpless and totally dependent on me. I was nervous, but I had to be brave and do everything possible to raise her to be strong and happy. It has often not been easy, but my responsibility and commitment has never changed.

Thank you all so very much for sharing your experiences and advice with me. I truly appreciate it all! I feel much better