How to set boundaries with controllers

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Hi:

I had a major question about dealing with controlling and manipulative people who like to try to control your life.

1. Telling you who to contact
2. Being patronizing and superior
3. Just having not empathy or respect for you as a person whenever you look to them for support

Let's say that I know someone who I will call Sally and she shows all of the above. I attempt to tell her that it is not a good idea for me do contact the following people due to certain circumstances such as distancing myself. So Sally gets mad and accuses me of victimizing myself and self-deluding and even believing my own lies.

Then I respond by writing a letter back by saying in nice words, "Sally, I am sorry that you feel that way and I did not mean for you to feel that I was vicitimizing myself. It seems to me that you have the tendency to blame other people whenever they correct you. Then you go into a tail spin and act as if you did not get your special toy that you wanted. It would also seem that you enjoy acting superior to others."

They write back and tell you that it's all your fault and that you have no idea what they have been going through and to never speak to them again.

How do you handle people like this?

Avoid them like the plague. No writing, no calling, no emails, no texting to them. Nada. Zip. Nothing.

Avoid toxic people to begin with, they are not worth your time

Simply avoid any kind of contact with them, spare your energy, don't feed them...

I don't know enough about the situation you described or the person you're talking about to comment on either of them... but I can say that although there are some people who are generally controlling and manipulative, there are also others who are not but may try to take control when they think someone cannot handle a situation independently... and then there are misunderstandings and miscommunications between people that may make someone believe another is being manipulative when they are not. Each of those situations calls for different treatment, and it's not clear which one this is.

I would also add, though, that the way you responded to her was somewhat confrontational... if you weren't trying to start an argument or offend her, then it might be a good idea to learn how to express yourself differently. You might consider assertiveness training -- it would demonstrate how to state your position firmly and directly, but without seeming confrontational. It largely involves rephrasing things so that you describe your (emotional or intellectual) reaction to their behaviour instead of the behaviour itself, which helps make them aware of the problem without feeling like they're being attacked.

Even if you were trying to start or escalate an argument, then you should be aware that her reaction to your response was pretty normal.

What if Sally were a sister or another family member? How do I approach that? What if I am attempting to distance myself from the family and being confrontational?

I have had a lot of trouble with controlling members within my dysfunctional family throughout my lifetime, and I have learned to just let them do as they do and say little or nothing while just not letting them get their stuff on me. It was about 20 years ago that I sent the same letter to each of my divorced parents and told them I would hear absolutely no more of their criticisms. I said they were welcomed to call, write or visit at any time, but that our conversation would immediately end if/when they might ever again speak anything I found unacceptable. My mother once tried to put that to the test by coming to my door and announcing she had some things to say to me, and I told her to leave immediately or I would call the Sheriff and have her removed from my property. My communication with my parents has been slight ever since, but they finally took me seriously and stopped their nonsense.

Two of my three brothers are still "control freaks", and like I have said, I have learned to just let them do as they do and say little or nothing in return while keeping enough "distance" to not let them get their stuff on me. My one brother will occasionally call on the phone and rant for a while about one thing or another, then call me something nasty and hang up on me...then later feel bad about that and call back and tell me how much he "loves" me. I typically say nothing at all at either of those times, and "Okay, see ya!" is about all he ever hears from me at the end of any call.

While the other brother was jerking the rest of us around while serving as the executor of our mother's estate, I never said a word to him and just wrote letters to the judge...then sat back and smiled a bit as the blubbering brother and his cahoots attorneys got scolded by the court and finally had to do things as they should have been doing all along.

Sick people do sick things, and none of my past posturing or "positioning" has ever changed them. So again, I just make sure they can no longer get any of their stuff on me.

My sister has lots of problems of her own right now

1. Her behavior is pathological
2. She had psychosomatic behavior
3. Her boyfriend is also very pathological, controlling, manipulative
4. She is self absorbed
5. She is angry and depressed because she is not doing anything with her life

We typically don't talk to one another that much because we tend to bring the worst out in each other. Again, she has a controlling side and a superior side. So she likes to boss me around about when and how I should do things. In all honesty, I find that when I put my foot down and say no is when she sits there and accuses me of being too bitter or self victimizing myself.

I mean we have tried it by attempting to make it work but so far it is not. It usually ends in some drama where we just get mad at each other for things.

She has also been known to accuse me of the victimizing whenever I have been down about things not working out for me because of the AS. (For instance: being sad about not having a boyfriend or learning to drive like other people my age have). She sure accuses me of being cold and yet she is quite herself.

Have you ever read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend? I'm far from good at them myself, but this book and companion books by at least one of those authors might help.

The series isn't perfect, but they get a lot of things right. A couple of notes though...

1. I don't know if you're Christian or not, but they do use Bible verses in their books. You can just skip them over if that bothers you.

2. A flaw that I keep finding however is that the authors are known to blame those who are mistreated by others like how some people make claims that those who were raped were asking for it. Again, just skip over those.

Try using "I" statements:

"I don't feel comfortable with that."
"I disagree."
"I prefer to..."
"I'm sorry you feel that way.."

Keep it short and simple. Don't justify your actions. Agree to disagree. When your sister "dumps on you" respond with, "Are you ok?" If she does have a lot on her plate, she is the last person you should be going to for advice. Turning the tables on her prevents further deterioration of your relationship and it makes you out to be the empathetic one. If you need advice, speak with a supportive friend.

My sister has made it clear that she really does not want me around because she things A) I am too negative and bitter B) We just have too much to say to one another

The last letter that she wrote was a phony passive aggressive apology about being sorry for blowing up at me. Then it said that she was going to reblock me on facebook so we would not fight but that she would always loved me.

This was a letter that she sent me a few weeks ago because of another beef that we happened to have a few days earlier over a stupid letter that I wrote 7 months ago.

1. Tell them that you'll contact who you want.
2. Do the same back.
3. Don't look to them for support.

Assertiveness training would come in handy here. It teaches you how to stick up for yourself without putting the other person down, as in your earlier letter, you seemed to be putting your sister down. Statements like 'when you... I feel...' do work. Like, 'when you criticize me in public, I feel stressed and need to back off. It would be better to pull me aside.' Keeps things short, and friendlier.

But, you can't always win either.

If the person in question (the controller) doesn't know the impact it has on you, or doesn't know how they come across, then assertiveness and a talk with them might save the relationship.

Unfortunately, that's usually not the case. Said person is fully aware that they're out of line, but tell themselves they're justified, and the relationship never really changes or improves. Try assertiveness first though.

I know a close friend who was a friend with someone that enjoys acting superior to other people and controlling them.

According to my friend, she likes to go and assume that this person likes to try and schedule something for her friends before asking them. Then she will tell them, "You will do this and you will do that because I bought this."

Then if one of her friends says no by saying, "I have too many other things going on right now and it's not a good time," she will hit the high way on them.

She evidently did this to my friend.

As for my sister, I did attempt to tell her when she tried to tell me when to contact my parents that "I am sorry but we bring the worst out in each other at this time. I do love them."

Then she just accused me of being bitter and resentful without really looking at the facts or listening.