I'm male but in my dreams i'm female and i'm at a total loss

Post Reply New Topic

I'm not really sure how to start.
First of all, sorry for all the typo's. English is not my native language.

I'll start with a discription of myself.
I'm male but not a male-male, ie not tough and no gorilla behavure.
I'm straight with no interest in men whatshowever, but very okay with homosexual people.
I'm very sensitive on the inside and i'm very logical.
I act like a typical male cause thats "normal". At least you won't stand out that way.
A typical Aspi.

The strange thing is that the moment i daydream or lie in bed to get to sleep, in my mind, i look as a woman and feel as one.
It feels good and normal to me. I've had this for many many years.
There's nothing sexual or arousing about it, unless i get intimate with a girl in my dreams, which doesn't happen often.
In my dreams i essentialy wear the same clothes, except for the added bra and occasionaly a skirt instead of a pants.

In my real body i've never felt really at home, but i don't hate my body. It just feels... off, somehow.
A few weeks ago i finally got enough courage and waxed my body. except for my head and arms and i feel better in my skin now.

I've had an interest in transgender for a few weeks now and i'm not sure if it is a temporary obsession, like many before, or if it is something that's just... me.

I've never really crossdressed except 4 times, in my whole life, when i weared my sisters underwear, just before i took a shower.
And well... i've weared a bathingtowel around my waist/legs for a few evenings, like a skirt while sitting on the coche watching tv. I don't know if that counts as crossdressing.


I'm wondering...

Could it be it's just a logical reaction to my less-than-normal emotional being?
A woman has more empathy. logically, me as a woman, would have more empathy and maybe a broader range of emotions which i would like to have myself.

Could it be i'm in reality a transgender, but only now starting to figure it out. I haven't known for allmost 33 years that i had a depression and asperger. untill someone told me.

Could i be it's just curiosity. To experiment with crossdressing and trying to get away with it.

Could it be that, somewhere in my mind, i want a GF so bad, i'd reinvent myself to be my own GF.

Could it be something else?


I've talked to a very good female friend about it and she's very understanding and open to it, but she doesn't really know either.
She doesn't see me as part female like feminine.

To be honest i'm at a loss and i kinda am in a "program-loop" (i'm stuck in my head).

Ehm... Help please?

There's nothing wrong with that. Sexuality and gender identity is a spectrum. I identify as 60% Straight Male, 30% lesbian woman and 10% flamboyantly gay male. Find what you like and run with it.........l.

I'm a lesbian, I've sometimes dreamt I was a male, but I have no desire to become a male. In Jungian psychology it's just an unacknowledged aspect of yourself being expressed. But in your case, because it's so persistent & pervasive, it does seem like it might be more. The one thing I don't think it is is a desire for a girlfriend. I think it would be worth investigating w/a specialist in such things, a psychologist who can ask you the relevant questions, make good suggestions as to how to distinguish what is going on...maybe explore the crossdressing & see what that feels like (& to my mind wearing a towel around your waist doesn't count). If you need to stay safe, you could take up various ethnic dresses, like kilts or sarongs or suchlike. You can wear hose & panties under your pants w/out anyone knowing.

I've noticed that there seems to be a LOT more gender fluidity in AS/ASD folks than NTs. So you're normal for us.

I agree with DonkeyBuster. Find a therapist to chat to, but also do some safe exploring while awake I discovered I was a lesbian when I was 43 and genderqueer when I was 46. These things can lie dormant for a while, or we just change as we grow. No harm in it!

I once dreamed I had a device which could turn men into women. It was summer, and there were a lot of bare-chested men out there. It was great fun to convert them into topless women.

Genderqueer is an umbrella term for all those who don't feel solely male or female but sit somewhere on the gender spectrum. Usually feel a little bit of both male and female to some degree. Wiki has a page on it.

Thanks.

I get so tired of all the labels & categories, quite frankly. Identity politics has a place, but it's soooo limiting in the end. I'm just me...I don't think of myself in terms of gender, I think of myself in terms of what I have to do next.

I thought many of the same things as you, Kheelan. One way that I knew that my desire to be a woman was real was that it persisted even after my other temporary obsessions came and went. My transgender feelings stayed even as my interests changed.

If you find the same thing happening, I suggest that you contact a gender identity clinic or therapist to help you sort these things out.

*hugs* <3

Thank you all for the kind responses and advice.

I'm all ready seeing a therapist on a weekly bases (i have a few more issues), but atm i'm not really comfortable with telling him this.
But i told him i've been having an interest in transgenders and he's a very smart guy, so he might allready suspect.
I'm gonna build up the courage to tell. could take some time though.

But i'm most definity gonna explore the crossdressing. Good advice about the panties underneath normal clothing, i havent' thought of that myself.
I've found a few panties and thongs an ex of mine left. Feels good.
I've ordered a boyshort and a miniskirt of the internet, should arrive any day.
At least it's step 1 in probably many steps.

I took a while to tell my therapist. But it all came out in the end when I was ready. Take it at your own pace.
Don't forget Internet support groups. Cross dressing or transgender support groups. They can help you out with your questions as you explore.
I wish you all the best at this exciting time of your life.
Well done for having the courage to find out who you really are.

I agree w/notinabox43 & kittylover. As you continue to explore where you fall on the gender spectrum, remember there may be crossdressing events in your area, where you could try going out in feminine clothing.

Also, do be aware that some people will pressure you into being trans or gay or whatever. Just a warm, friendly reminder to let you be you & accept no pressure to be what someone else wants you to be. Midwifing the birth of your own true self is a tender process & I hope you honor & enjoy it.

Thank you all, for your kind words.

I've finaly talked a bit to my therapist about my dreams. That's why i was so silent for the last couple of days.
According to him, there's nothing wrong by dreaming of the opposide sex all the time, although he'd never heared about it before.
He was fasinated about it, but noted that dreams, are only that. dreams.

Although it could be that my mind is exploring things like, say homosexuality. but that isn't it.
I'm straight, no attraction to men whatshowever. I don't even like men's bodies, muscular, slim, hairy, hairless or whatever.

It could even be that it's some kind of manifestation of unprocesses trauma. hmmm..... there are all kinds of issues, like my entire past.

anyway, i discovered i like some crossdressing.
Only thongs atm, but it feels very naturaly to me, so i keep doing that, and taking it further very tiny steps at a time, as i'm not sure about what to do with it.
Except trying to feel good.

Maybe i'm "only" a non-erotic crossdreamer (as it is normal for me to dream in a womansbody) and crossdresser (taking some of my dreams into Real-life).

And my mind wonders on and on...

After a lot of researching today and a few online tests (i've got a massive headache and am totally mentaly exhausted),
i've come for myself to the following conclusion:

I'm most definitly a Transgenderist with a lot of female and male traits. aka the third gender aka androgyn.

In other words i live on the fine line between male and female with equal amounts of male and female traits.
(It explains why i can count more bi-sexual females as my best friends, than i have "other" friends)

I'd like to look a bit more female in "boy-mode" without anybody really noticeing.
While it makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
It makes crossdressing (lets call it "girl-mode") more easy too that way.

I know the above reads more cold, definitive and business-like, than i would. but i'm really tired atm.

I still welcome all advice in addition to the great advice i allready got.
And if someone has any questions, just ask
I'd be happy to answer them.

Kheelan (aka Rayne )

Rayne...is this your 'alter' name? It's pretty.