''If you're like it at home, how come you're not like it...

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...with your friends?''
I do find this statement so hard to explain, and I was wondering if anyone else knows of a good answer. I had an argument with my mum the other day about my mood swings and my occasional outbursts. I am going on a date with a man (yes, I'm female, please look at signature), and it's the first time I've really gone on a date with somebody I am sure I really like, and she keeps asking, ''he won't stay with you long, with your frequent mood swings and your occasional outbursts'', and when I say, ''I would be able to control them a bit more when I'm with him'', then my mum goes, ''so you CAN help it then!'' So when I say, ''why do you say that?'' she says, ''well, if you're like it at home then how come you're not like it when you're out with other people?'' I try to explain to her that everybody's different to an extent when they're not in their home. It's sort of an automatic thing.

For example, I hate it when snow is forecasted, and when I hear of it, usually an outburst starts up. But a couple of months ago when I came home from my friend's I said to my mum, ''me and my friend was listening to the radio and they said snow is forecasted here'', and my mum immediately asked, ''oh I suppose you laid on the floor and started swearing and crying'' (she was being sarcastic), and I looked at her awkwardly and said, ''no....'' and then she said, ''oh, you controlled that well then, how come you can't when you're with me?'' Then she thinks I hate her. That is not true at all. I just don't know how to explain it really to her.

I don't know why myself either. My friends, work colleagues, neighbours, and anyone else can't imagine me being angry and bad-tempered, and people that live in my house can't imagine me being quiet and meek and placid (when something that makes me anxious happens, that is). Can anyone else explain? Is this a common thing? Has anybody got helpful answers that are more scientifically concise and clear so I can explain to my mum to make her get it?

I have two sons with autism spectrum and have noticed this phenomena also. At home they are nothing like when outside the home. Outside the home they become silent spectators of life, inside the home they at times seem like the majority of teens would, well to a certain extent. Also, the two boys are very much different one is shy and quiet unless you anger him. The other one is aggressive and boisterous. Every individual is different is all I can say for sure.

At least in my case, yes, I'm "worse" at home - because that's where I feel safest. Doing the same things I'd do at home anywhere else would have been like dumping buckets of blood into shark infested waters... So I learned to shove everything down inside me and only let it out when I was safe. Which only makes it worse when I do let it out, because there's all that pressure built up.

Watch cats. They only truly, fully relax when they're home or in some place they consider completely safe.

Your mom has to understand that you are comfortable enough to let your guard down around her and that it doesn't stem from disrespect. We are expected to conform and the social repercussions of being visibly autistic (meltdowns etc) around people outside our families might scare one into adjusting out of fear. Maybe explain that having the kind of control stopping meltdowns/"outbursts" implies is exhausting and you'd rather have at least one place where you can be yourself (with all that implies) and she shouldn't try to take that from you, and that you'd be lower functioning from the stress pretending all the time would cause (you would, btw)? What she said about your chances of finding a partner was unacceptable and reflects more on her than on you.

Her comments about dating were rude and insensitive but I can kind of feel for her snowstorm remarks. No offense intended to you but I bet it would be frustrating and exhausting to dread weather reports because of the inevitable outburst but then see that those outbursts don't occur around other people. In my own life, I used to loathe getting into the car with my husband because he'd yell and gesture and act like a jerk behind the wheel if someone ahead of him was driving slowly, cut him off, whatever. I know full well that he doesn't behave like that if a co-worker is in the car with him so it felt like disrespect toward me that he wouldn't try to control his screaming fits, like he would make an effort to give his co-workers a peaceful car ride but not me (when he knows that I have a very hard time with people yelling).

Maybe you and your mom could have a talk about it? You could explain that your home is your safe place but that you would like it to be a safe place for her as well and see if there is any middle ground?

Good luck with the date! I hope it goes well.

Agree with this. Though it depends on if it is "a bad temper" or for other reasons. And if it's completely temper-based she'd still need help from a professional to fix it and not be expected to just fix it on her own.

Totally agree.

Maybe a family counselor could be of some help. A home should be a safe, relaxing place for everyone who lives there and it sounds like the original poster and her mother are both pretty frustrated so hopefully a counselor or therapist could provide tools and techniques for them both to live more comfortably together.

What about this?
"Yes, I can control it to a certain degree, but it's exhausting. I can't do it 24/7, and after having suppressed my mood for a couple of hours, I need to relieve it somewhere."

I'm also worse at home. My sister used to say things like that to me too: "how have you ever had any friends when if you act like this in public". Well, she wasn't always that mean to me...she was mad at me at the time. Sometimes I have outbursts in public but very very rarely.