Exercise in theory of mind

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Just wanted to test this situation out.

I was chatting to an NT female with BPD/probably bulimic tendencies who has talked about them on previous occasions and said I was irritated at myself for binge eating during and since my final exams. She said: "nothing wrong with a snack." I said: "no, it's really been excessive over too long." If I added, "I'm sure you can relate" without anything more, would there be a problem with doing this? If so, what would the problem be and why?

I'm guessing she's quite sensitive given the BPD and bulimic tendencies so she would likely be offended. What may seem like an offhanded comment to anyone else is a reminder of her problems, which she probably doesn't want to think about or have other people know much about them.

You're talking about a problem you've had with eating inappropriately... that's fine. But as soon as you add, "I'm sure you can relate" you imply that she's had a similar problem. Even if it's true and both of you know it, it generally comes across as rude to draw attention to a negative characteristic or behaviour like that... and in addition to that a person with BPD is likely to overreact, and to (mis)interpret your intentions as hostile.

By saying "I'm sure you can relate," you would be implying that she had a similarly minor problem with over-eating which can be overcome easily, rather than acknowledging that she has a complicated illness which is difficult to conquer.

That would be insensitive because you are not acknowledging the struggle she is undergoing and the pain she is going through.

I think it would risk sounding as though you were mocking her, or simply trying to embarrass her, by referring to it like that.

I'm not sure. I am bulimic and sometimes people have tried to talk to me about it in the past which has irritated me, and I think a danger with saying "I'm sure you can relate" to her could be that she might start getting 'competitive' about it even if just with herself- I do when people say they have an ED. But if you know her well and she's talked about it before, she might want to be 'open' about it. I have one person who knows about that (and about AS) and it's a relief sometimes to be able to talk about it without having to hide it all the time. I think it's safest not to say though- if she wanted to talk about it, she would have mentioned it when she said "excessive".

Given just that conversation alone I'd say there was a problem. It really depends on her personality and how well you know her though. Some people with major issues have enough self-distance to take a lighthearted comment like that. I think most would be embarrassed and feel insulted that you were making light conversation of their issues though, especially if you just brought it up out of the blue and didn't get to know them first and let them signal that they were comfortable first.

Then again, some people find it patronizing if you go out of your way to avoid ever saying anything that could be remotely insulting. Showing that you are uncomfortable talking about something and are overly afraid of hurting thier feelings might just make them more self conscious about their problems. It can be a releif to talk openly and even joke. For most people mild teasing is a way of signalling comfort/closeness. Of course if she really has BPD she might not always like that. She might laugh at it one day and then get pissed off at it another day because she was in a bad mood and wanted to push you away. Taking the exact same kind of teasing radically differently at different times is a BPDish trait. It might not be the tease itself that's insulting but the fact that you're getting too close and making them feel too vulnerable. There really is no way to win all the time which is why relationships tend to go bad.