Climbed into the friendzone.

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I climbed into the friendzone. A girl I had interest in all during college had finally said "I love you" to me at her last day of work (we worked together on campus). She ended up in the end just meaning it in a friendly way (when I spoke with her in person about what she meant by it). I'm getting ready to graduate and transfer to a four-year school, but with my luck, I feel that this upcoming college experience is going to be just like this one when it comes to the world of dating: disappointment in myself from lack of self-confidence.

I know what the issue is, but every time I try to build up some confidence, I get frustrated because I have nowhere to start and my mind freezes up when the subject comes about of trying to build confidence.

I'm at the point where giving up on everything sounds like a viable option, because I do not want to put myself through rejection after rejection. The more they come, the more I slip into insanity, but if I live life without trying to find someone, I'll go insane anyways! It's like a lose-lose scenario and I keep creeping closer and closer to a complete meltdown of everything (been close a couple of times).

I keep getting frustrated when I don't try at all, and then I get even more frustrated when I try. What the hell is the issue here?

(Just realized they misspelled "dawg" in this image...)

Last edited by Kaufmancab51 on 16 May 2013, 4:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can't really relate to the dating stuff for now.But I have the similar frustration trouble when I try to socialize, but end up appearing mean or even weird. I laugh a bit when I'n nervous and I feel real dumb. I will transfer to a University next semester and I know I have to force myself even more to socialize. Every time I fail I also feel frustrated and feel like I don't want to try anymore, but I have to if I want study buddies and to be able to comunicate well.

So over time, I still am failing a bit at it, but with each time I tell myself that I will and am getting better, even if it's a slow process. So I basically look at the fails as progress instead of failures.

Socializing is something that I still have a few issues with (never been really good at making new friends outside of school or work). That is not the trigger for my frustration.

Every night I go to bed, I go to bed alone. It feels like i'm lying down with a giant hole in my chest and sometimes it comes to a point where I cry. I don't like the idea of being alone forever, it's not a healthy lifestyle and it's causing me nothing but emotional pain. I feel like giving up, and the only place I should point the finger of blame at is me. I can't build up the courage and confidence to try anything.

There's no support groups, no activities out here that I can partake in where I'm gonna have fun. Usually when I do go out somewhere, I always have the wrong intent and I can't relax entirely (finding someone is always on the brain and I can never really enjoy myself).

Giving up shouldn't be an option, but it looks like things are leaning that way if I can't fight this "confidence bug" in my brain.

You don't have to have confidence, you have to pretend like you do. Other people can't tell the difference. I'm not saying that it will guarantee that you get a girlfriend, but if you have some self-control I don't see how lack of confidence would be an issue.

Which is part of the issue. I still don't know where to start. I've started taking better care of my teeth, I have good personal hygiene, I don't usually wear name brand clothes (because the ones at Wal-Mart look better and are cheaper) or sneakers.

I don't want to stoop to some level that turns me into a bad guy when it comes to trying to find someone.

Lack of confidence would be a serious issue, because I don't talk a lot already.

The way to pretend like you have confidence is when you want to talk to a girl, you walk right up to her, look at her while facing her (smiling and eye-contact would be much preferable), and introduce yourself with a hand-shake or some sort of brief physical contact. Males typically show self-confidence with a puffed out chest, high angle of head, and with spread out legs while sitting. I find that when I practiced the behaviors on my own and readied myself before I approached a girl I liked, I could do it without too much difficulty. Now if you don't have something to say to her after you introduce yourself, then that is another problem and it will probably look really strange to approach somebody really confidently and then not to have anything to say. And don't over-exaggerate the confident behavior, because they are kind of subtle and most NT do them and notice them unconsciously. Also you have to continue to act confident after you introduce yourself. You do this with body language, by not second-guessing yourself when you make a decision, and by interpreting everything the girl says as some way of being flirty with you (unless she is very explicitly rejecting you repeatedly, then I'd give up). Now being confident is not the only thing you have to do, but if that is the only problem you have, then I think it would be easy to fix. I regularly do things when I don't think I have a very high chance of success, so pretending like I think I have a high chance of success while I do them is not very difficult. It doesn't do any good to fret about your chances of success (what does that accomplish?), so you may as well just focus on what you have to do.

BTW I looked in to some PUA when I was in high school, and it worked, but the relationships I got from that felt fake and I didn't get much from them, so I quit using it. Or actually, I've been trying to find a way making it compatible with my natural inclinations ever since, and have so far failed. I think NT men could learn to use it and make it feel natural, but I can't. And everybody has a bad opinion of PUA, but the stuff I looked into said stuff like, "Show confidence," "If you tell a story, focus on the event, or it might look like an excuse to talk about yourself," and "If you can't think of anything to say, talking about pets, movies, food, family, and vacations are hard topics to mess-up." They didn't really say anything about how to f**k a girl on the first night or how to manipulate her or anything like that, it was just basic social skills.

1. There's a difference between a girl being friendly and a girl actually flirting with you.

2. The friend zone isn't good or bad. It just is. Just accept her decision and move on.

Just don't be a friendzoned "nice guy" laying in wait for the chance to pounce.

Yeah... Such actions have "betrayal of her trust in you" written all over it if things play out that way. If I were to to reveal interest, get it out in the open sooner rather than later. She might resent the interest, but that is more her problem if your timing wasn't nearly as insensitive as it could have been. Women can be irrational with their emotions as well.

Just be a dick like me and talk to girls about car engines.

Bro-zoned is worse.

When you've known her for so long and you know each other very well.. and you wait until the time is right (she breaks with her BF and it has been a month or two since it happened and she isn't seeing anyone) and she knows you have feelings for her and you ask her to consider you for more than a friend..and she tells you 'I can't think of you like that, you're like a brother to me'...

Its like a sledgehammer striking your brain, your heart and your balls at the same time. ouch.

It seems to me that building your self confidence/self esteem is step 1, the priority.
You can build self-confidence or self love by how to treat yourself. The more you take good care of yourself and your needs the more you
show yourself that you matter.

It sounds like you have a lot of negative statements about yourself that you keep telling yourself. I suggest that you develop an awareness around that and begin to say positive things about yourself to yourself.

In the long run, what other people think or do really doesn't matter. Once you can begin loving yourself everything else falls into place.

Giliana