I want to sever my ties to my mom

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I should probably start with an explanation:
My mom is vain, manipulative, childish, and very selfish. She really is like a child; if she sees something someone else has she wants it for herself (often in the form of married men) and tries to make herself seem more grand by telling about all these rich and famous people she hangs around. She also has little problem using people as means to an end. I guess the best example would be when she tried to use me (age 3) to extort money by claiming I was this guys illegitimate kid; it gets even less classy by the fact that it was during the guys funeral (thankfully his widow gave her the boot ). The worst part is that after all the bad things she's done she still tries to blame other people and doesn't think it's her fault. I mean I get that the household she was raised in was really rough, but she got away from there and had many chances to turn her life around.

She has been in and out of my life for as long as I can remember, partially because she was in and out of jail for her drug problems and even more distasteful acts (I'd rather not go into detail), and the fact that she would rather go out and party than stay and try be a mom.
I didn't have contact with her for about 6 years, but that was because my grandparents denied that she had ever tried to call me.
I tried to let her be apart of my life again, but it hasn't worked out well. She said she was sorry for the things she did and asked me to forgive her, but she still acts the same way she did before; shooting her mouth off, and going around acting like a bad ass hoe.
Despite all these things I've always loved my mom, but the more I talk to her the less I like her and the angrier I get.
All I want now is peace; I am willing to forgive her for the things she's done to me and put the anger I feel for her behind me, but to do that I need a clean break. As in never seeing or hearing from her again.
The only person who has a problem with this is my grandfather (her dad). He always blames other people for the way she turned out. He keeps telling me that if I do this then I'll be causing her to commit suicide, and that her blood will be on my hands. The only thing he wants me to do is humor her and lie through my teeth (the very thought of which makes me sick to my stomach).
How do I get it across to him that I can't lie to her like that, and that what ever she does after that won't be my fault?

I'm sorry to hear you have had such poor experience with your family. You do sound like a very strong person and are coping really well.

If you have made the right decision you just need to stick to that, and protect yourself. Obviously both your mother and her father are in complete denial about the consequences of their actions. While they still act this way it is highly unlikely that you will be able to effectively communicate with either of them.

Your grandfather is as wrong as he can be. He has no right to lay this on you.

And you have ever right to make your own choices.

Now, this said, you cannot make your grandfather feel or believe anything. One way is to just view it as spouting off on his part. Another way is to be brief and matter-of-fact, something of the sort, I have the right to make my own decisions for my own life.

I was going to say you have two good options:

One is severing ties and never seeing or hearing from her again.

Another is a good long break, with you stating the minimum time period,

And you definitely don't need to lie or pretend at family gatherings.

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In my own family, my dad basically has the maturity of an eight-year-old boy. I felt that in high school and even all these years later at age 50, I think I am largely correct. My mom has the maturity of a sixth grader (age 12). Up to that time, I think she was appreciated by her fellow peers for being an active and creative child. Starting at sixth grade, she didn't fit the culture as far as being 'normal' and being popular in an overly tight and constrained way.

Everyone is ultimately responsible for their own lives. You just have to make the decision which is right for you, and then own it.

^exactly as said above ! For me : best thing i ever did!! When in doubt, id say GO AHEAD! You can always Reconcile later. i found myself. best thing i ever did was seperate myself from my mom. every situations different . good luxk. just remember: life is an adventure . if there's no enjoyment somethings wrong.

It sounds to me like you are making the right decision.

Your grandfather is wrong. Her actions would never be your responsibility. You have the right to protect yourself from bad, unhealthy people, and it sounds as though she falls into this category. As someone who has no contact with her unhealthy family-of-origin, I can tell you that I have no regrets. It is a peaceful thing, realizing that you no longer will be subjected to a peaceful environment.

If the thought of contact with her makes you sick. If the fear of a phone call with her, or a visit from her, fills you with anxiety, anger, depression, fear...why have her in her life? Because she gave birth to you? Giving birth to you was something that she did, of her own free will, for herself. You don't owe her for that--in fact, she owed you EVERYTHING for choosing to create you. (And, yes, I am a parent, and still have this worldview.) She failed you when it came to fulfilling that obligation.

Do whatever it takes for you to give yourself safety and peace. If it's easier, just take some time away from her. If you find that that time away is happier, if you are more stress-free when you don't have to worry about HER wants, her "needs" in regards to you, her life, her sicknesses, then you'll know you're doing the right thing. It's okay to be sad, to mourn her. Just know that you are not mourning HER. You are mourning the mother that you should have had, but didn't. She will never, ever, be the woman that you needed. There's no shame or wrong-doing on your end for coming to terms with that.

Good luck.

Chibi, I'm in the same situation. The only reason I haven't up and left my mom yet is because I'm afraid she'd commit suicide or that karma would bite me in the ass more than what fate is already doing to me. I guess depending on the answers you get here, I'll just have to listen to them as well.

There are people who are so self centered, they never take responsibility for anything in life, everything is someone else's fault. There are lots of sites and forums on the narcissistic types, and many people recommend going "no contact" as a means of not having the person destroy any chances for happiness.

It's a very complicated thing to go no contact with a parent. There is guilt, embarrassment when others ask about family etc etc etc.
It is not easy, but it is so worth it. Remember, once you go no contact, you can reconnect at a later date and will probably want to when the wounds have healed. All that will do is cause lots of new pain to mix with the old, and ultimately confirmation that contact with the bat ass crazies who victimize family members ( their own children!! !) then manipulate them into believing they are a bad person if they don't cater to the crazy, is the only way to go. NO CONTACT with people who cause you nothing but pain is ok!