How to make my Brother Normal hasn't been outside in years

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My Brother is 28, I'm 26. My Brother has Aspergers. Growing up, my parents let him do what he really really wanted. Which was, he really didn't like being in school, didn't like being around people, preferred to be naked in his room (I know..) and all these little things.

Now I know, we should have all forced him to be social anyway.. He would be a lot more normal today. He hasn't been outside in years! He's been in the back yard a few times in a few years. He's really smart actually.. He hates change! He lets his beard grow and does not want to trim or anything! Takes Baths which use a lot of water, and doesn't use the soap! There are a few things that I'm a little embarrassed to mention even..

By the way, Movies & TV are his Life! It's all he knows, all he really has.. And Books a little bit too..
His Bed! We want to put a new bed in there, he will argue like crazy that his Bed is Fine, you can see the springs!

To give you an idea how much he hates change. You know with TV Today, when you change the channel it shows the name of the show etc.. at the bottom or top of the screen. Every few years, they update the design of that. He will go nuts! He will keep asking why did they change it! Why don't they just leave it alone! And he is like all upset about it for maybe 2 days or so..

His Clothing, he would only wear these clothes he's had since he was like 14. And since he's always in the house, he just stays naked in his room. When he goes to the Kitchen he wears his blanket around him.

He really doesn't talk to us even.. We'll talk if we need to kinda thing. Sometimes he & I will have super long conversations about upcoming Movies or Politics (I'm not really into politics though) The potential is certainly there! I use to be so super busy and was hardly home. Now I'm home again, here all day, I have my Business.. and I get to be home all day. So I'm trying to organize myself to have a good Relationship with my Brother, and gradually get him to have a normal life again. He use to go to the Movies with us and all that.. We just let him do the Hermit thing too many days in a row, then it became habit, and because of his Aspergers, in his mind it's Mandatory.

His Teeth, oh wow I want him to go to the Dentist so bad.. But he won't! Won't even use Mouth Wash

He Loves Movies & TV, and books somewhat.. And is really into Politics!
I was thinking, there has to be a way to gradually get him to wear clothes, use soap, shave, get him to go places etc..
Before anyone says "He has to see a Psychiatrist" He will not go anywhere! So there are baby steps that need to take place before that.

Please help you guys! A few minutes it takes you to reply to me could help my Brother, and my Relationship with my Brother in such a big way. Please, I ask you in the most sincere, genuine way, Please.

Thank you

Hi. Thanks for reaching out. A few questions.
1. How do you know he has Asperger's Syndrome?
2. What are his co-morbids, if any? (Some of us have depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, etc).
3. How far did he get in education? GED? HS diploma?
4. Does he have a computer?
5. Has he ever been exposed to Wrong Planet?
6. Does he know his own personality/psychology issues?
7. Does he consider himself a total recluse and plan to stay that way the rest of his life?

What if you get him hooked on something that will get him out of the house?

Or maybe you could use some kind of reward program... like if there is something he really wants say you will get it for him if he does certain things and he could earn points or something for doing all the things you want him to.

1. We know he has Aspergers because we had Awesome Psychiatrist when we were little, I have OCD as well..
2. Co-morbids Depression, and OCD. I think they said he has a little bit of OCD.. I can't remember, he makes lists.. haha..
3. Education, he has like 11th grade credits or something.. Didn't Graduate HS.. Was in Special Ed anyway..Not sure how much dif would make
4. Yes he does have the Computer, forgot to mention, The Internet is now more his life than TV.. He's online like crazy.. Watches Youtube videos of people Vloging about Politics like crazy, watches Trailers, Netflix, and now we got him Marvel Comics Unlimited online.. Yes he's online all day
5. Hasn't been exposed to Wrong Planet, I just found this site. He kind of doesn't know he has Aspergers.. I mean.. we haven't talked about it since he was like 14. And I remember telling him one day to watch this youtube video of this kid that has Aspergers, and he asked why, and I told him he has Aspergers, I think he was like "how would you know?" or something.. can't remember.. We recently replaced his old TV cause it broke. And like I said that little info thing on the TV, the color was a bit different cause of the new TV & he was having a cow about it.. And I told him something like "DUDE! It doesn't matter! No one cares about that! Normal people wouldn't care!" Trying to get him to chill himself out by telling himself it's just the Aspergers.. Like I have OCD.. So it helps for me to say, It's just the OCD.. There's no truth to this ridiculous thought I just had etc.. (Please, no offense to anyone with Aspergers, it actually worked I think.. He seemed to be relieved when I said it)
6. I don't think he knows his own Personality/Psychology issues. But he is pretty smart, and a couple years ago when I told him to watch that Aspergers thing. I told him about Aspergers, and i said people with Aspergers don't like Change. And I said that's why you go crazy about these little things.. And I let him know, these little things he considers a big deal, are really no big deal at all.. his Aspergers make him think they are.. And like a couple days later he brought it up, and sorta admitted to it in a way.
7. Yes I think he does.. I think he does plan on living like this.. I mean, he doesn't seem to really think about it.. But I think he does..

I had this urge before too.. And I approached him with the idea of, Chris.. Lets start going to the Movies again & stuff. I will buy you some clothes, you get use to wearing them around the house.. slowly but surely, you shave your beard, and eventually we'll go to the movies. I told him, everything you watch on TV are of people with normal lives. Nothing you watch on TV, and all these Politicians etc.. None of them are people that stay in their room all day & keep to themselves as much as they can..

It didn't seem to phase him at all.. I am pretty sure, if we would have forced him to stay social, and kept going to the movies regularly etc.. He'd be wearing clothes today, and going with us regularly to things he likes etc.. And be a lot more social..

You are how you were raised for a lot of things.. Disorders, or not. And with Aspergers, that is probably way more true than anything else.

Thank you for replying, and anyone that can help. PLEASE HELP! With any & all words you an think of. Thank you!

Hi.

Your story really touched my heart. I can relate to it way more than you could know.

I am a layperson. Not a doctor or a therapist of any type. (I do and did have an interest in psychology and have read a lot on it over the years, but that's not the same as a trained professional.) However I can give my opinion and thoughts, certainly, since you are here and begging for anyone to pitch in with those.

First I would offer you both a huge hug over the internet airwaves so to speak. If you want one. So if you do then imagine you just got a big hug, full of empathy because that is what I feel for you and your family and brother.

So here is my layperson opinion. It sounds to me like your brother has severe OCD. With all I know about that, it is difficult to get past - it's a catch 22. How can someone change who hates change? But don't give up. Don't lose hope. Do take it in small steps. Do encourage him, love him and support him.

Have you read the book Brain Lock?

Have you heard of the Possibility Dogs? Do you think he would accept a support dog? Possibility dogs include dogs specifically to help people who have PTSD, OCD and other things challenging them. The woman who founded it, has PTSD herself. (It is easy to find on google. They are in Texas but will also help people find and train local dogs for this.)

Is he on any medication whatsoever?

It sounds as if he also has anxiety. And then his brain cannot soothe his anxiety but instead it ratchets up in intensity. So he has learned avoidant behavior, anything that might cause a difficulty has been avoided, and that behavior has increased over the years.

Would he do therapy by telephone? Some therapists will do that. Some will also come to the home.

Does he respond to human touch? A gentle hand laid atop his and then removed, things like that? For some people, touch brings them back 'to earth' for a moment and snaps them out of their obsession rut. At least for that moment. Be careful not to do anything so predictably that it becomes part of his OCD rituals.

Also, this is hard to describe but, don't talk to him like a patient, talk to the part of him that is for want of a better word, "well." Talk to him as your brother. Expect great things from him (without saying so; just act so.) Don't feed his anxiety by being anxious about it (if possible.)

I hope (at least) some of that helped.

I have Aspergers, I'm 47 and I don't go out the house much myself, only as and when necessary. I have worked most of my adult life so have my own house but now, left to my own devices (my Mother passed away in 2010 and my Father is in a care home), I live with a friend who doesn't work either and live a life on benefits after my last attempt at holding down a job failed spectacularly as I got bullied and am taking the employer to a tribunual. I'm lucky though as the years I did work mean I have my own house so I have security in that respect and my friend is almost like a parent as well as he does all the DIY and housework, which my parents used to do. I think I do need a parental type input as without that I don't cope well at all.

So I would say he does need to be guided in the right direction by some kind of motivating influence, as I was by my Mother, if you want him to have a 'normal' lifestyle.

It sounds as if he has been given far too much leeway to do as he pleases for far too long though so I don't think it will be an easy task at all to get him to change. It will probably need to be done very gradually.

With all his problems it may seem overwhelming.

Just concerntrate on fixing a few things at a time, forget about the rest. Then once you have got those done move onto some new ones. That's how I do things.

I'd start with clothes, buy him some new clothes that fit. Have a few sets that are completely the same. Is it possible you can buy clothes that are like the ones he has already.

If u try to force him to do stuff, he'll be less likely to do it. If he's happy, why force him to change?

Take it slowly, and don't expect big results.

Also, stop enabling his self enforced exile. He reminds me a lot of an uncle I had who sat at home for his last two decades and got fatter and damaged his liver because he drank too much.

Thing is, someone was over all those years enabling him to sit on his ar*e all day and drink himself into oblivion, because he wasn't leaving the house to buy the booze himself. Someone was bringing him food and drink, and paying for this "lifestyle". Over time he became incapable of looking after himself, because his wife and a family friend were doing all the day to day work for him and paying for his habits.

There may well be some depression or agoraphobia going on with your brother as well, so perhaps you can find a doctor who makes house visits can who can come and see him and give you advice?

Good luck.

I think you do realise what a massive task is ahead of you. The time is right, if you do not start now I feel that you will be unable to turn your brother's life around. Don't waste time thinking about what could have been or who has been enabling this behaviour, that is self defeating and inefficient. Set VERY achievable goals, don't over reach, and do expect this to take at least twice as long as your best estimates.

Is your brother happy in his position? Is it just the only thing he knows? If he does feel happy then the task will be twice as hard. You need to open up communication with him. Learn more about what he does and what makes him happy. Does he produce/contribute to anything on-line? Is he only an absorber/consumer? Convincing him that he should try to produce more will help to break him out of this cycle. Art, sculpture whatever that captures his interest.

Many are resistant to change but opening up his mind to possibilities will broaden his horizons. Assuming there is sufficient finances, get him a new bed. Tell him what is happening and why, be firm and kind in your manner. It will be appreciated. New clothes as well it does not really matter what they look like, comfort will be key. Remove his old clothes. find out why he does not use soap, if it's due to smell or texture find something else, natural, non-perfumed whatever.

Does he have extreme sensory issues, regarding the clothes, hygiene and even going outside, both light and sound. He may not like the feeling of clothes, loose and soft natural fibers probably best, soap may feel irritable, sunglasses and peaked cap for light sensitivity, headphones for sounds. On the other hand he may just be choosing the path of least resistant, you will need to find out which.

I don't see how you will be able to dis-enable his behaviour without shutting off the power supply or removing his equipment. Positive reinforcement will be the way to make this work, you will need to find out what rewards will trigger a change in behaviour, so again talk to him about subjects related to but tangential to what he does like. A service dog may be a useful aid but until he takes more responsibility for himself you can't expect him to be able to care for an animal or that to be fair on the dog either.

i notice you said 'we' in your post, are you parents still around? Are there others in you family who will help? If you agree on a united way to approach this task it will be much easier. That may be too much to expect given the history you have posted. Again if you can afford it, find some professional help that will visit your house, counselor or therapist, to encourage talking to others and reduce the workload on yourself.

Did I say that communication is going to be the key. Good luck. Best wishes.

I feel the need to point this out: You can't make your brother normal. He's not supposed to be normal; his brain didn't develop that way, and it's simply not going to work to try to make him deal with things the way a typical person does.

That said, he does seem to have some issues with caring for himself, possibly with agoraphobia. He needs to know about Asperger's and how it affects him; he deserves to know. He might benefit from occupational therapy; at the least, he could probably use a decent evaluation to try to figure out what sort of a career he could have. Sitting at home without useful things to do is not good for anyone. He is probably an extreme introvert, and as such he probably does not want or need to socialize more than about once a week, or else prefers to socialize primarily by Internet. However, it may be that he's not reaching his potential because he's not getting the help he needs. Having been in special ed doesn't really say much to me--he could be quite talented in one or more areas of academics. He's a proficient computer user, anyway, and that's not a hallmark of somebody who can't learn. His academic skills may turn out to be rather useful, depending on what they are, which is why we asked about them. There are quite a lot of gifted kids in special ed, you know. No idea if he's gifted, but since he's diagnosed with Asperger's, he's normal-range or higher in general, so I seriously doubt that he's got any extreme problems with learning, at least ones that are related to raw ability. (He might have specific learning disabilities, ADHD, or AS-related problems with doing schoolwork, though.)

The goal for somebody with autism--Aspie or any other kind of autistic--is not to be normal. It's to be a healthy, happy, competent autistic person. That means learning new things, but also getting help with things that are either impossible or so hard as to be not worth doing yourself. Sometimes it means having somebody to guide you through things you can do yourself (for example, I need help going through complex projects, but I can do all the steps myself--I just have to have somebody put them in order for me).

It seems to me that your brother has somehow fallen through the cracks; he may not even know he's autistic, and the last time anybody talked to him about it, he was fourteen. The difference between getting help and not getting help can be dramatic. Without help, I ended up hospitalized and later lost my apartment, unable to work or attend school. With help, I'm in school and a year from graduating, with good prospects for graduate school. Someday I'll be off welfare and employable--"someday" may be as soon as a year, if I can get a decent stipend. I'll probably always need some kind of help, but I'll be able to do useful things that I'm good at. I think your brother's missing out on that kind of thing, and he's coping the best he knows how--sticking to the things that he likes to do, that are familiar and comforting. He may well be a respected authority in his circle of online friends, if he's like the usual Aspie who gathers a lot of information on a favorite topic, to the point of being an expert. But without a goal to work toward, anybody would get depressed.

By the way: If your brother's favorite or most effective way to communicate is in writing rather than in person, you could try talking by IM or e-mail. Some of us are pretty crap at in-person communication because it goes by so fast and feels so overwhelming. If you write you have time to think before you say something and make sure it's what you intended to say.

Another thing--he's your brother, after all; maybe you could get into what he's into. If it turns out you like one or more of his hobbies, then you'll have some common ground, and you can hang out together without having to always be talking about business, nor you having to try to be his ersatz-parent. When you're autistic, it's very nice to have at least one person who sees you as an equal and doesn't mind your eccentricity, and a brother will do the trick quite nicely.

Before you get this going outside thing going, make sure you get hygine down too, he won't wear clean cloths most of the time if he won't use soap. Try and get him to maybe get his room clean at least, and maybe him used to a healthy environment first, that way before the bigger changes, he will at least be somewhat more healthy. After that it will get touchy, and since I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, I will leave it at that.

You can ask him if he wants to be normal and encourage him to do outside activities that he likes. Don't be surprised if he says he doesn't wish to be normal, but still encourage him to get out.