I'm A Gay Aspie

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It seems even more difficult to get along with homosexual NT's than straight male/female NT's. I don't fully understand why but it's upsetting feeling even weirder and more out of place, like I won't find a partner because I can't find homosexuals I can get along with who aren't only talking to me because they're super depressed.

<--- Gets ignored when he goes to gay bars.

remembers that when he was a young man, would be regarded as a piece of meat by predators. as an old man, is just regarded as creepy by either gender.

Sad to say I can completely relate. The hypersexuality that's so common among gay guys is somewhat repellent to me. But I think it also depends on where you're looking. I've heard that many university LGBT organizations, for example, aren't so bad this way. And when it comes to looking for a partner, maybe you should just start by getting involved in something you find interesting or enjoyable which isn't sexuality specific. If you do meet another gay guy there, chances are that you'd have some things in common and might get along better. Just a thought.

In my experience with the gay male community, conversation is often very light, with lots of humour and chit chat. That's the sort of thing I as an Aspie have the most difficulty with, so I don't fit in, and find it hard to connect. Your post is also interesting because I think people who normally talk a lot of fluff get a bit more deep and interesting when they're tired and/or depressed. I know they're just not compatible with my personality, but it's at least good practice in social interaction.

This is good advice.

I agree that there is what comes across as "hypersexuality", but I'm not convinced that it's more the case among the gay community than society generally. Maybe it seems that way because it's not as taboo and repressed as it is among straights - freely and openly expressed. There's lots of evidence that straights are just as preoccupied with sex, even though it's less open (e.g. how powerfully "sex sells" in advertising, and that it's such an overwhelmingly dominant strategy used; that all films have to have "URST" (unresolved sexual tension); religious preoccupations; art throughout the ages, etc.). It's somewhat repellent to me too, but I see it as more a difference between NTs and me generally.

Yeah, pity that I'm useless at actually doing it myself. I tried to join a political/activist group, which led to me developing a huge crush on a guy only to be very disappointed (he was actually gay, which if anything made things worse). After that it was just too awkward to keep going. Maybe one of these days I should ask my friends if they know any other gay guys...

What you've described here, AG, is not really a mistake or a bad thing, or a sign of being "useless at actually doing it", imo. How else will anything ever happen? In my own experience, that awkwardness ends up developing one way or another in every social group, and I stopped attending an LGBT group because of it as well - which I now think was probably a mistake. Often I'm too dismissive, and say things to myself such as "They're not my type of people anyway", to justify my avoiding them.

Either I have to learn to avoid that awkwardness from developing (which can happen without it being my own fault), or I have to learn to deal with it and not let it stop me from being part of a social group. Otherwise I will flee every social group I join, and my future social life is doomed. On the other hand, there are advantages of learning from mistakes and making a fresh start with a new batch of people.

in the whole world there is about:
10% of gay people.
little ..% of asperger people..
and much less ...% of asperger/autism/introverted people that are homo!
so there is a very small number of people, and this problem is true - very hard to find someone.

^^
you will find somebody right for you.

That's a good way to look at the reality of it. That 10% figure, I'm not sure whether it's accurate, I've heard it said many times, but I thought it's for male and females combined, from among the general population. So, if that's true, it'd be about 5% male homo. Then there are all of the other limits for potential compatibility. It would be good to calculate a best-possible estimate in this way to get a final figure. I imagine it'd be something like 1 in 500,000. Better to be in a place with a larger & more dense population so there's more compatible men to choose from. Then it's a matter of meeting them by socialising with the right people - more obstacles.

We all have our preferences, I do have a better understanding in some ways with other Aspies, but I'd rather a partner who is not Aspie and not as introverted as I am. I'd prefer someone to bring me out of my shell.

And also better to be in a place where more tolerance to people like us!!


Yea, maybe, but i've an experience that "normal" people basically not interrested in Asperger. They mostly think - it's boring! But about "bring out of my shell" - if it's possible, agree that you can make it only with social friends

Yes - better if willing & able to travel or emigrate. Some men may not like what they consider "boring", but I think there are some who would like men with Asperger's. You're a good-looking guy with a nice personality, so it's just a matter of finding each other.

The problem is like you said:
From the general population:
* about 5% gay men
* ?% have Asperger's
* ?% of similar age
* ?% with compatible personality
* ?% are attractive
* ?% would be attracted to us
* etc. etc.

Limits upon limits upon limits -- the result is a very tiny proportion of the population. Therefore, we should be careful to avoid unnecessary limits.

Maybe a more promising way to look at the problem: the theory of "six degrees of separation". If we are interconnected in some way to every other person on earth by about 6 connections between individuals, then finding the right man is a matter of choosing the most promising connections. One person should lead to another, and the "right" person will be found.

To make this method work, we still need to be social, make friends (any will do as a starting point), meet friends of these friends (maybe better than the previous ones), and then friends of those friends, until the "right" people are found. Beware of "dead ends" - be ready to recognise these. Not so easy for Aspies, but at least it's a plan!

"Not so easy for Aspies"? Good God, man, you might as well demand that we perform on the flying trapeze.

Making friends is difficult. Maintaining a friendship is still more difficult. Moving into that friend's social sphere is even more difficult. To then identify and befriend the person in that new social sphere with the greatest potential for further connectivity is so difficult that it's practically unimaginable.

And besides, such behaviour would be very manipulative wouldn't it? It's precisely the sort of pseudosocial activity we despise in NT people.

I believe that the best hope LGBT autistic people have for meeting each other is the internet. There (or rather here) we can identify ourselves without giving too much away, find out about each other from a distance, and conduct at least an indirect form of courtship.