Slowly losing it

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I feel like I am slowly losing my mind. A few weeks ago I finally decided to take an aspergers test (A former boss suggested that I might have it). My score was 147/200 aspie, 79/200 NT. But I am always skeptical of subjective test. A doctor diagnosed me with A.D.D in 1994, but Ritalin didn't seem to correct all my learning issues. I always excelled in math and science, but always struggled with English class. Fiction always perplexed me, I could never piece together the imagery in the books. Although I can read programming and electronic books without any issue. I can't seem to sustain anything longer than 2 years (jobs, friends, relationships). My latest meltdown happened two months ago after a relationship fell apart. I secluded myself in my room and lost all care about everything, including my job. I was then promptly fired for a lack of communication with my boss. I know i need an evaluation for aspies. But with no job or health insurance, I don't have many options. I don't know what to do.

Well, you sound like me, and I'm diagnosed with Asperger's. A real Dx of Asperger's has to be done according to the DSM (diagnostic manual for psychiatrists) so you would have to get a family doctor to refer you to a psychiatrist who works with autism/Asperger's.

A psychologist cannot do the Dx alone.

So I'm thinking that if you can get referred to a psychiatrist in a hospital, then it might be free? The waiting lines are long so you could start the process without too much soul searching, I think. I went through a referral to the Autism Dept of a hospital and it cost me nothing. There are always better facilities for that in Children's Hospitals, so if you can get in there, go for it.

They asked me why I wanted a Dx. I told them because I want to know what I'm dealing with. And I asked them for a one page acknowledgement from the Hospital that I do have Asperger's (if they Dx that way) so I won't have to deal with all the people who think they know better.

Best of luck to you.

2 years! that's great! I'm about 3-4 months working for someone else. Indefinite when self-employed, and have been most my life.
but 2 years that's like a dream =)

Thanks Claradoon, I think I will call the hospital tomorow and see what services they could provide. But I've had to wait there for 16 hours before(not fun)

They all don't last 2 years. I've had 2 jobs and 1 relationship that lasted that long. The first one I had a pretty repetitive schedule and my dad would drive me to work, so it was easy to maintain. I left that job to pursue a job in the electronics field which has always been my obsession. The other one was when I became a tech for another electronics company. That happened to coincide with my 2 year relationship. That job I was given alot of freedom, so I would pursue alot of projects that I felt would benefit the company. But it was like I was given a length of rope, that i tied my own noose with. I got a serious reprimand after I failed to find a new machine shop to make one of the parts. It involved meeting with the vendors and negotiating pricing. In hind site, probably the worst task for aspie. From that point on there was much friction between me and my boss. So when things get adverse, i tend to withdraw myself. I was let go after I didn't show up for 4 days. That job loss hurt me more than anything. I personally moved the company to a new building. Everyday i would load up my truck up and make a few trips a day. I had moved about 80% of the companies stuff by myself. I also duplicated and calibrated most of the equipment so there was no down time. I felt like I wasn't given enough credit for my work. It really bothered me. For all the good I did, they really stressed the negatives. The whole time I was dating a girl. She would tell me that I was becoming more distant as time went by. But I was her financial support, so she put up with alot. We had an agreement that she would give me some personal space. But eventually that space became unbearable to her. She left to stay at her dads, and i told her not to come back. I couldn't stand my space being taken away, as well as all the financial burden.

Hello, welcome to the WP.

You sound like a case of depression to me, and it's not surprising considering. Can you speak to a doctor about this situation, I know you said you don't have insurance.

If you go seeking an Aspergers diagnosis now it will take a long time to happen, a longer time to accept and then the only thing that changes is your perception of yourself. I'm not saying don't pursue this, but it's not immediately going to change anything.

I'm afraid that there are a lot of people who take advantage of hard working individuals like yourself, once you have given 100% they will expect that all the time. Nothing runs at 100% all the time for very long.

Try to get yourself out of the black hole before you get any deeper. Find a new job, look for something with a future, always keep something in reserve, enjoy life, search for a diagnosis when you are in a better situation.

so i spent 8 hours at the hospital today, and accomplished nothing..........

Dude I'd say you're probably an aspie. But don't take our word for it, go to someone who can officially diagnose you but not misdiagnose you. And you'll see.

I wish I had some advice, but the same thing has happened to me my whole life. Two years for jobs before they start driving me nuts (1 good job lasted almost 4 years, but I was miserable, had been demoted, lost all work "friends"), same for my longest relationship.

I am sorry you are dealing with this and hope things get better for you.

Thanks everyone. Your responses are helping me cope. I know getting a Dx won't change much. I feel it would be a relief to have an explanation of why I'm so different from all those around me.

I have a gripe about my hospital visit the other day. 8 hours of waiting and all they could provide was a social worker (....really.....in a building full of doctors). In that discussion, my self diagnoses was brought up. The social worker immediately changed her tone, and went into lecture mode. She proceeded to rant about the issues of armchair doctors and how I should only trust the advice of experts such as her self. This irked me. She was only a social worker, so she doesn't even have the credentials herself. The majority of medical problems are based on self diagnosis of some sort. If not, why the hell did you go to the doctor in the first place. Doctors can only observe the tangible. They require input from the patient to make a better determination of the issue. So why are they so dismissive about people complaining of mental issues. I had witnessed a few orderly talking crap behind a patients back. She was complaining about delusions and panic attacks. It seems like they just want to paint it as a case of depression, pump you full meds and send you on your way. So you don't come back cause your in a drug induced zombie state. To this day, very little is known about the brain. The medication process for mental disorders is a hit or miss game. So the "experts" are just as in the dark as the self diagnosed patient.

I hope the hospital "experts" will take your case more seriously and refer you to a doctor. I was diagnosed only 4 years ago by a psychiatrist at a government hospital, after spending many years wondering what on earth my problem was... It has benefitted me tremendously since being diagnosed AS because it brought everything together.
Nine years ago due to a certain incident PTS caused my biggest meltdown ever and I went through months of serious depression during which I had to go and stay with my mom and stepfather, who were seriously concerned I was losing my mind...I had all kinds of symptoms including insomnia.

I hope you can get your life back on track soon, I have been through many ordeals and emerged stronger because of them, espececially now that I know I had AS all my life. I could have coped better had I known!

It's not a good idea to date someone who depends so much on you financially - it seldom works and I think ultimately you'll be better off and meet someone who understands you better (maybe even here on WP!) and isn't just concerned about your money (or lack of it...)

Keep us upfdated on your progress. A general AS problem is that despite our intelligence and creativity, some of us tend to be indecisive career-wise, try unsuitable jobs (in my case, tried sales work at one time - a disaster!) and seem to earn well below potential.

It may be a long road to find yourself, but you'll get there.

I was in a very similar situation at your age although I did not find out about aspergers for another ten years after. I'm 43 now and have found very little help from the medical world.

Sometimes it's hard to recognise depression in yourself and aspies seem to experience it differently to typical people. There is some interesting articles on this blog that you might like to read. The most recent is about depression.

http://www.aspiestrategy.com/

I self medicated with alcohol and other drugs and spent some time homeless due to my failure to recognise my situation. I'm now taking anti-depressants, I would prefer not to but it is better than my life before. Some times the drugs do work, it's a personal choice, but they may give you help to get back to a better place.

Good luck, best wishes, which ever way you go.

Holy crap neilson..... that perfectly describes my behavior. Explains why I have always gravitated toward pot. It was the only thing i found to get me out of those slumps. I've always had a distaste for booze. I don't like the way it numbs my mind and motor functions. Plus I have a delayed reaction, so its a fine line between really drunk and really sick. With weed I could at least be functional in society if that makes any sense.

and the 98% article describes most of my exgf's to a T

Keep on keeping on. Laugh in the face of desperation.