Aspies and One-Sided Relationships

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I have noticed that for people with Asperger's syndrome (or at least me and I'm assuming others have noticed this too), relationships tend to be extremely one sided. I believe this is one reason it is so hard to develop and maintain friendships for a person with AS. I am not referring to the tendency for people with AS to monologue about a favorite subject. I am referring to the very strong tendency for the person with AS having to put all the effort into maintaining and developing the friendship without the other person putting any active effort in. Maybe this is because they already have many friends and commitments. However, for me, it means almost always being the one to seek the person out and get the conversation going, make the phone call, or send the first instant message. If that person and other people are planning an activity, I have to weasel myself into being invited because I won't be invited without asking explicitly or otherwise strongly hinting at it or making them feel obligated. The same applies even with members of my own family. In high school, I'd have to go to my mom to make my brother invite me to join him and his friends to see a movie.

Because I have to put in all the effort to keep an acquaintanceship or have it grow into a friendship, these relationships never grow. I suspect a lot of people see me as boring, too serious, and not easily excited or enthused, but I can't help my personality and what I find interesting.

Has anyone else noticed this phenomenon?

I find that other people put more effort into maintaining relationships than I do. I frequently find myself avoiding relationships, phone calls, and going out with others. Also, all my romantic relationships have been one-sided in that my boyfriend would generally put in more effort in than I. I can even forget anniversaries and birthdays and all, with my SO remembering or caring about these things more than I. So I guess I can't relate to your experiences.

Which is why I have a policy not to put more than a certain amount into a friendship until I can be sure it'll be reciprocal.

I've performed two experiements in which I broke this policy and made some sort of first move. I found with one person there was some reciprocity (but not as much as I hoped) and with another there was no reciprocity whatever, even though he hinted at his having an obligation to reciprocate.

My theory is that if the other person can prove that they are truly interested in me in the way they'd be interested in a more regular/normal/NT person, I'll then take pains to keep the friendship going. But there have only been two (potentially three) people who fall under that category.

Find females allot like that, one blonde Nt called me too shy & felt I was wierd, probably because my courtship skills where none existing, did not even know about these signs that nts have no problem with, also heard a female say same thing guy found her shy & wierd...

http://www.wsu.edu:8080/~taflinge/socsex.html

I can't remember the last time I put much effort into a relationship with anyone... or anyone put much effort into a relationship with me. It's been a loooooong time since I've had a real friendship.

Aleclair has the right idea. NT's just automatically, for the most part, only involve themselves in relationships in which the feeling is mutual. If there is no reciprocity, then the NT will move on.

Have you ever heard the phrase "I don't want to belong to any club that would have ME as a member?" It's an NT loser joke (yes, even NT's feel like they are losers at times). Well, AS people should have the opposite attitude. In fact ALL people should have this attitude -- that they shouldn't belong to any club that WOULDN'T have them as a member. That means you have less people to choose from, but it also means that the people you surround yourself with should be people that share YOUR interests, that don't mind if you're quiet, or don't mind if you're a know-it-all. Whatever the group is, you should feel comfortable, wanted, and should never have to feel like you're butting in on their arena.

Just my two cents . . .

Kris

I think we will NEVER have friendships as NTs have. I think we are just NOT BUILT for it. Don't get me wrong, I DON'T see that as a negative thing, no longer. I've spent years trying (& failing) to fit, and you know what? I finally found my way (psychological indipendence, strength, self-esteem, good mood , productivity ecc.), when i left my "friends" and stopped trying . The need for friendship, as far as Aspies are concerned, is a false and misleading need (mostly induced by our surroundings) that in the end can only bring us down. This is my experience. Don't get me wrong: I'm very nice to people, but when i arrive at home i just want to be alone to do the things i REALLY enjoy. In case I find a SPECIAL person ok, i'm open-minded, otherwise (after years of depression and suicidal thougts) I'm just fine the way I am right now.
The general point is: deep inside, we are AUTISTICS (i hate this term, it sounds so pathologizing to me). That part of us will NEVER go away. We can either choose 1) LOVE it & be happy 2) hate it , trying to conform for it's own sake, and be depressed/angry ecc.. I 'm convinced we CAN choose.
Hope you got my point

One sided relationships are not limited to AS, its just that people with AS are more likely to experience it because our uniqueness makes it hard for others to relate to us. Anyone who is misunderstood may experience this as well.
Because of less social skills and being more shy, we send off messages that NTs interpret as unfriendliness. So it becomes necessary for us to show interest in other ways, such as inviting people to do things. They reject them however, as it seems weird for a person they think doesn't like them to want to spend time with them. The fear of this has prevented me from making that effort.

Of course, putting out this effort would have been the only way I would have made friends. But because my shyness prevented me (and I say this in past tense because I now have a social life) from handling little things like conversation, going to the bigger step of conciously asking some one for freindship by inviting them or calling them was too much.

So I got caught in a cycle. My shyness and awkwardness prevented friendships, and my lack of friends caused me to be shy and awkward. Once I started making friends, I realized the ability was within me all the time. I just had to get my foot in the door that had been holding me back. Once I achieved this, I realized that I am capable of excellent social skills when I am not stressed, and it was the stress brought on by isolation that contributed to my awkwardness.

Overall though, we have to work a lot harder because:

we lack the intuition to understand social situations

We therefore have less friends to start with, and therefore must work a lot harder to develop the ones we have. Unfortunately, those friendships we desire to develop mean the world to us, while the friend generally has dozens of friendships to develop. The odds are not in our favor that they will like us especially enough that they want to develop friendship with us over the hundred other friends.

Personally, I don't really like people with a hundred friends. Many of these people are shallow, and the only reason they have a hundred friends is because their view of friendship is a popularity contest.

I am very cynical to those "wonderful people" who are best friends with everyone, that everyone loves to talk about as their best friend. Face it, you are not. Its quite possible they view you only as entertainment for them, not that they actually care about you.

I recently started to make friends with a guy who feels the same way as me, on many issues. But interestingly, he was a popular guy, a guy who does have hundreds of friends. But the reason I think I relate to him, is that he hates the whole popularity thing. He told me, "I've been on the popular scene, and I cant' stand it. You only need a few good freinds". If you are a nice guy and popularity happens, fine, But thats not what life is about. This friend has really shown interest in developing a friendship and I can tell he really respects me and has a genuine interest in friendship.

Weeeeell, thats enough of my rambling.

jug out.

NeantHumain, I totally agree with your post. I've got a couple of friends, but even with my best friend I find myself putting in most of the effort - initiating contact, e-mails, IM etc. and arranging to meet is often a bit nerve wracking as I do about 90% of the asking.

I've talked with him at length about his being non-proactive. I believe he does have some issues himself, with self-esteem, but despite me trying to be reassuring, it doesn't seem to improve things.

A while ago he said that he doesn't ask me to do things often because I'll be disappointed some day when he won't have as much time for me. I think he sees me as too dependent just on him. Perhaps it worked against me to tell him how important our friendship was to me.

I've no doubt we are great friends, it's weird as, at times, we are extremely close, but I just cannot understand why I feel I have to do most of the work. I wish I knew how to make the friendship more balanced.

Is it possible for those who are putting out the effort that you are putting out too much and intimidating people? Or is it possible that because you put out the effort, they don't feel the need to, as they know you will do it for them? What if you pulled back even more. When they start to "miss" you, they will realize they need to initiate? Just a thought.

I feel like I'm making more effort than I should have to, and at times it does start to feel stupid or uncomfortable. But normally my efforts to initiate things pay off, so I guess that encourages me to keep doing it.

At times I have pulled back and "ignored" my friend, but the really funny thing is that when he realises I'm ignoring him, he digs his heels in, rather than start up contact or ask what's up. It's nearly like a game with him, to see who will give in first!

But I think after 3 or 4 weeks of not hearing from me, he would do something. Perhaps I'm not giving him enough chance to initiate things, but I get the feeling he'd be content to bother with me a lot less. We do talk usually a few times a week on MSN, but most of the time I initiate the chat.

Yeah, also because I make most of the effort I get the feeling he just lets me get on with it. He is extremely passive with everyone. I obviously can't force him to change, but I don't know what I can do to make him want to change.

Hard round here to get with As people I only know of 4 and they all don't want anything to do with males, I suspect it's because something bad, or a pattern of bad things happened with males... I think I know of 1 female who might have it a girl I went out with 265 days at 15yrs old that we did totally nothing together both shy... But I don't know if she lives where she did before or how to even go about it without sounding desperate, or like I got a screw lose... And male friends hell I don't even know what to do as a group thing he would need to be a outdoor activity person even though I have shyness and social anxiety, I do want to go paintballing and all that... Or even so computer gaming allot of people did not like me though as I always win, and when I try and let them win they moan that I am not trying. Anyway that was at 16 with the guys, and like you they used me only coz no one was aloud in they house, or my parent had a car, or none of they friends where in, or computer needed fixing…

Logitechdog, try aspievillage, there may be some people there from your part of the UK.

http://www.aspievillage.org.uk/

btw, mods keep your paws off the link, last I heard it was on the approved list of Alex.