Appreciation but no Sympathy

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I was told that you gain sympathy from others by being friendly to them. That seems like an obvious statement, but it never worked for me.

When I started my studies, I often stayed in the building after the lectures, where the fellow students prepared their homework. I "socialized" in the way that I helped them with that. I enjoyed doing it, and the other students apparently appreciated it; some of them almost "admired" me by telling me how good I was at this. Nevertheless... when it wasn't about math, people still wouldn't talk to me. Well, they sometimes did, but they treated me like I was "unapproachable". I managed to find a partner for my homework, but I had to ask someone myself.

Now, I do at least have some friends. They're actually friendly to me, and I try hard to find ways to return this. Sometimes, they let me help them fix computers. And I must confess that I enjoy doing this more than doing other things with them which are supposed to be more fun.

Putting it in a rude way: I'm trying to "buy" sympathy in exchange for favors.
In not-so-rude words: I'd like people to acknowledge that I actually like doing favors. I don't do it to show off and I don't expect anything specific in return. It's my way of trying to be nice and thereby socialize.

I'm very "popular" in the faculty; that is: lots of students know me. Many of them seem to appreciate me a lot, but there are very few who like me. Looks like I'm doing something really wrong.

Maybe you don't seem pathetic enough for sympathy.
Maybe you're getting admiration instead.

Sympathy sounds like an emotional thing. I mean, it sounds like something that happens after there's an emotional connection. Not just favors. That's how it's been in my experience, at least. I wish sympathy could be earned with favors... That's a lot less emotionally draining.

Sorry but this equation does not work. Do you mean compassion rather than sympathy?

To create a friendship you need to show interest in that person and ask questions.

Once a relationship has been formed sympathy should be provided when required, when problems are discussed.

Airing problems to those who you do not know well will not create a friendship, this is seen by others as a 'high maintenance' individual.

Appreciation is the correct response to donating time and energy to help someone else.

You should appreciate that your efforts are recognised, use this as a base to raise discussion on interesting subjects.

Yes, but the problem is that this doesn't work, either.

I'm not sure if it's because my interests still deviate so much from that of other people, or if I'm fundamentally incapable of social behavior. But now that I think about it, I don't find any reason why anyone would want to be friends with me. I'm very aloof and often unintentionally impolite.

The people that I can socialize with are often "math-addicts" like me or they don't have any other friends (these things sometimes even coincides). They are the only people who give me at least some attention, and we can discuss common interests. But it's still a very "negative" approach to friendship, and it's not based on sympathy.

At some point, progress in my social life requires people who actually like me. At the moment, that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm not sure if improving my social skills will make me more likable, or if I have an inherently anti-social character.

I agree with Neilson.

Sympathy means :
"Feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune."

Doing favours for a person isn't going to cause them to start feeling pity or sorrow for your misfortunes.

If anything I think it might be more likely to do the opposite... because you are able to do something which they couldn't achieve on their own.

Perhaps what you are looking for is genuine friendship with mutual acceptance and a genuine sense of others caring whether or not you suffer in life.

Oh, I wasn't aware that "sympathy" may also mean "pity" in English. I'm referring to the following meaning:

I think that maybe "compassion" isn't quite right, either.

Compassion -
"Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others"


I think the description which Vectorspace just gave is really good.
I know what they are meaning, but I have no idea what you call that in english.
Does the english language even have a word for that ?


Is it maybe "affinity" ?

affinity -
"A spontaneous or natural liking or sympathy for someone or something."

Sorry, in a bit of a rush now.

Possibly affinity yes. I feel it would be best for Vectorspace to describe what he expects from a friendship and we can try to fit a word to that. The 1913 definition is redundant.

The 1913 definition describes perfectly what I'm talking about.
The current edition (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sympathy) doesn't mention this meaning any more – which is sad because I'm not aware of a good synonym. "Affinity" isn't that bad. I thought of "affection", but that's too strong and has a romantic implication.

So apparently, the English language has lost a very useful expression. I was confused because in German, it still fits the 1913 definition.

What would the German term be, if it's okay to ask ?

I wish I could be more helpful for commenting further on what you've said (rather than just defining what you're talking about in english) , but the honest fact is that I'm not sure what to say about that.

"Sympathie"