I just want to understand him

Post Reply New Topic

I'm new here . I found the site when I finally decided to research Aspergers . After being in love with a man for over 20 years I find out 4 years ago he has Aspergers . We feel in love the very moment we saw each other 11th graders in high school. I love and have loved everything about this man almost my whole life. He was always so sweet and shy with a major sex drive . We never had a fight over anything he was so eager to make me happy . After dating him 3 wonderful years he broke up with me. I was devistated! I never got over him. I never stopped loving him. I dated other men but never could anyone measure up to him ( my love , my soulmate)
In 2009 I created a Facebook account a little late ? Yes maybe , but it was the best move I ever made because I found him. I friended him , he excepted and our love took off like wildfire.
One big problem we live 6 states apart now. We have careers that will not let us move to be together. He still lives in our old home town I am the one who moved. So I go visit as often as I can but its not enough for me.
When he first told me he had Aspergers I did not know what it was . My attitude was like it did not effect us back then so it won't now. How very wrong I was! Now that he is older he is harder to understand, and now that I'm reading about Aspergers so much makes sense to me. Like our breakup all those years ago. He has explained to me he never stopped loving me eaither . I've asked him why why did you not come after me all he can say is he does not know? Maybe it was Aspergers? He loves me so much he tells me and shows me when we are together. But when we have 6 states between us I could kill him sometimes. One day I feel like the most loved woman in the world and the next day I don't feel anything from him? Is this Aspergers? He is so afraid of change . He could leave his job and come to me much easier than me. He just can not bring himself to do it. Is this Aspergers? I love him so much It hurts and want to learn about this man I love and who loves me. I just saw him about 3 weeks ago and brought him an ice cream to eat I had one for myself also. But because I did not tell him ahead of time it rocked his world meaning he did not want to eat it. Even though he likes ice cream. He almost got angry because I was laughing about him needing to plan to eat an ice cream . He very reluctantly ate it and told me it was because he loved me that he was eating it.
After I thought about it again later I wondered is this Aspergers? I don't like upsetting him but I hd no idea bringing him ice cream would bother him so much. I want to help him I want to understand him. I want to feel confident when he gets "weird" his word not mine and I'm 2100 miles away from him I can know its ok we are ok. I have broke off our long distance relationship at least 10 times because I want all or nothing. And him not moving to be with me kills me. But I always come back and he always takes me back . I love this man so much! If anyone can help me understand Aspergers. I can add just for fun he still has the sex drive and I have one to match. We never have problems there sometimes I think he would be fine with leaving all conversation out of the relationship and making love to me says everything I need . But I am a woman . I feel cheated without his words ( I love you) ( your beautiful) but I would if I knew it would make it easier on him. If only I could understand him I would learn to know he loves me.

Thanks for any replies

I'm very shy without AS, but I was raised with a father and brother both diagnosed with AS.

So first off there are seriously a lot of sweet elements with y'alls relationship.

Now, the first thing that really stood out to me was saying that basically it would be a lot easier for him to move to your area than vice versa. However, more than likely it's probably the other way around.
It can be very hard for many people with aspergers to make a huge change when a decent percentage tend to actually rely quite dependently on the security of familiar structure.

I know with my brother if anything, even small changes for a day were incredibly difficult for him to accept or adjust to, but my dad was more lenient and flexible in comparison with that quality though.

But it's still not completely fair to judge that in I'm not aware of your actual living and job either situation, which could be an incredibly difficult one to change... but I'm just saying it's more likely this is actually very, very difficult for him to deal with I would imagine...

Maybe give things a little bit more time to really think things through, see where things go, and if he possibly decides that he could move to where you are.

But if in time it truly comes down to the only real option would probably be for you to decide on moving, but of course that's a decision "you" need to decide based on your gut.
Even if you can't just up and move if it comes down to you having to make that choice, you can always just try to give yourself an extra month or so to sort things out if need be.

I'm sure he loves you more than what he's able to express... he is probably very afraid of so many changes, taking that risk, and doing it all at once. He probalby has a hard time explaining how he feels, but it's probably so incredibly overwhelming that we can't truly to relate how immense that feeling must be.

I wish you the best of luck! So far I think y'all relationship is so sweet with such a cute history!


I know how you feel though. When you find that right person and if he does have aspergers, sometimes it can make that personal all the more interesting. Even with it's drawbacks people often don't realize that AS can actually have number of unique benefits too.

Last edited by Red321 on 25 Jun 2013, 12:55 am, edited 3 times in total.

DISCLAIMER: I can't sympathise with your situation, sadly. But I do want to answer this thread.

First step to enlightenment



Similarly, I fell in love (Well, I thought it was love) in year 9. Spoiler: it didn't last and we got in a huuuuuuge argument about a month ago. I still think about her every so-often, but the winner took it all. She has a boyfriend and she is happy. Who am I to stop her?




I suppose this is something I can relate to. This girl for me was, well, a godsend.



Was he a nerd too? All jokes aside, that's always a plus.



I know it's not really any of our business but did he say why? High School relationships *rarely* last forever.



Ok, I'm not going to be anything short of blunt here - There are other fish in the sea. Go deeper.



I want to say that's great, but I can't bring myself to type it.



And does he agree, that it's not enough for him... Don't smother him.



Don't blame anything human on a condition. Anyone could have broken up with you, just because he has a condtion doesn't mean anyone normal would have stayed with you. You can not tell how /other/ people will react, you just need to put up with what did happen.



Without taking my previous replybit out of context, that's a good thing.



To err is human, to say he doesn't know is even more human.



And I reiterate: Don't blame a human thing on a condition.



In bed? That's a bit different to a 9-5 job.



How busy can he be with work?



In it's simplest form, no.



But that is.



In it's simplest form, we are creatures of habit. I get ansy if I miss my train to college of a morning.



People that are normal will never understand.



It's not really something I can explain to be honest.




Don't do that.... I know it's hard, but we like stability. I don't think he is feeling any stability which is why some days he talks to you and others he doesn't. It's strange.

I cut out the rest, I'm not going into details there...

Hope that helps a bit

I was so happy to see two responses!! ! I so enjoyed reading them both. I loved learning about the things I've been seeing in him.
(bcousins) he did comment on my breaking things off so much. He said he is having trouble trusting I won't leave again . I feel horrible now because he keeps saying don't dump me again.
I have dismissed so much of those types of comments he has made to me just treating him like a regular guy. I think I would rather love this Aspergers man over any other. It seems like a Aspergers think about and mean what they say.
He is very trustworthy . He has never told me anything he did not mean. Even if it hurts like hell he just says it not realizing he hurt me. He means no harm he is just honest.

Thank you both

Would love to hear more.

And here I was thinking I had crossed the line.



I really don't blame him. Like I said before, all we want is a little stability.