I made my mother cry

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To start, it was earlier in the day when I heard a relative complain about how the other side of the family has all a vacation for a reunion planned, and also I was getting aggressive this point in the morning, remembering all the secrets and dishonesty from years before, in conversations overheard on the schoolyards and classrooms. And uh, it's getting a bit fuzzy, but I talked to my mother over the phone and decided to mention this to her, and then I somehow start talking about how her family or the entire world is an asylum. Then I hear her crying, not giving any more details, I cannot believe what a monster I became, exactly like in high school. I thought it would just be shrugged off, I'd studied enough of human nature and seen so much, didn't see it happening. I'm really ashamed of myself, and don't know what to do except hide in a room closet to prevent me from destroying anything else I come in contact with. I hated school, the ignorance they hired for teachers aides, incompetence of the school districts, etc. this is rambling, I need to remember the details of this. I am scared, angry, futile, etc.

I have felt that way. I once nearly cracked/broke the ribcage of a very beautiful and loving person because I was angry, this same person suffered jaw injuries that caused her to lose her hearing (temporarily) during one of my angry outbursts...I have never forgiven myself and have always hated myself for this and for other behaviours, nasty words I have said to others. Refusing to sit and talk to others because I wanted to play alone or was fixated on something else in the sandbox, a girl who probably would have made a good friend to see years later in the same therapists office as me as I was walking out. Making my loved ones cry because of my desires to die, or even for saying cruel words out of sheer ignorance and stupidity. I hate myself and try very hard to forgive myself, to spread the compassion I try to give to others onto the suffering person that was me, and whose guilt I harbor.

But what can I or anyone else do. What can we do when we feel such shame? When we hurt others, whether it be with or words or actions, whether it be ignorance or intentional, what can we do?

We can take responsibility for our actions and try to put in the effort to learn from the mistakes and be better but...we can't change the past. There is only now. Anyway, being able to work out what emotions you are feeling is a great start. I hope you figure it out, I know doing so helps me sometimes during dark times.

Depression is an ugly thing. It eats away at you till theres nothing left. What people said rings true to me and yet it has the bare minimum effect, this is possibly because when i was younger i got depressed and as time wore on, so did my mentality of things.,
myself and other people. Ive never felt autistic, but then we probably all say this. Unfortunately, its events and circumstances that count and
added drama usually gets in the way too. I believe ive always had some learning problems and the spectrum is wide with all sorts of things,
but what I am and what happened to me, was so taboo then, that bullying didn't even get the recognition it selfishly deserved by punishing the
evil ones who forged hatred onto others and always got away with it.
Im sicking of hearing the sameold happening and for once i think it should be the guardians or parents who actively have a say in encouraging their childs wellfare instead of leaving it in the hands of some bewildered teacher, coz the thanks you get out of that wont be much i can tell you.
Ive always hated teachers from a young age,for their discriminatory natures and wrongfull intellects of the untaught pupil in their care.
Pretty much most of the time i self taught myself, only to get in trouble with them for doin what they say or keeping out of the way, unless asked.
Not really ackowleding what was play and what wasn't of course. I didn;t know i was different, but i could say i was really unhappy. really..
so all in all, does your upbringing interfere with your way of life, ? depends on the timing and generation, and really we all do have a say, even
if it s not appreciated. Thats what ive learnt and its real life stuff.