What am I? What am I?

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Sorry for the trite title but I couldn't think of anything else. I'm going to be brutally honest here. I want to know if there is even a single person out there who feels like this. I've never been so lonely as when I don't fit into any sexual category. I'm not a bad looking guy, but I just don't experience human relations due to a logical problem. Of all my posts on this site, this is one I need the most feedback on. I don't know where else to turn. I've never told anyone about this before and I'd really really like this to be a regular "coming out" post, but It's not so simple.

I am not straight. I lean towards men. If I were to put it in words I'd be an asexual/atypical homosexual. Here is why:

- I never had any crushes on guys or girls

- I don't get pop culture and celebrity hype

- I've never really dreamed about being with someone

- I have never been kissed nor do I want to be

- I give off an asexual vibe

- I am not effeminate and am completely satisfied with my gender and having a penis

- Everything functions down there and I do masturbate regularly

- I've tried watching straight and gay porn. I am nauseated by anal (butts in general), the fake acting, the moans. I like seeing the mens bodies individually but not together.

- I've resorted to enjoying watching real amateur guys masturbate or mutually masturbate or perform head, but I view it from an odd angle. The part that turns me on is the companionship part. It's the fact that they are friends and are both male that interests me. I don't get the "love" part of it.

- Im definitely not straight because women don't turn me on.

- I am turned on by guys having orgasms only because when I see a male is having an orgasms it reminds me of my own experience with orgasms and that is a positive one. It's like a resonant effect. So guys for me are an "indirect" turn on.

- I've made countless accounts with gay preferences on dating sites but when I see the other users bio's and pictures I just keep saying "this just doesn't fit, this isn't me at all" and it's not because I'm resisting admitting I have homosexual tendencies. There is something intrinsically "off" about it regardless of how close the match is on the site.

What is this?!



Thank you.

- Jay

Hello! I think I'm like you, but I've always considered myself gay. I guess a few of the things on your list don't apply to me, but pretty much the rest do. Particularly I find it interesting that you are turned off by seeing anal intercourse, fake sex, moans etc. That's exactly how I feel, too. I also like individual amateur guys in a natural state. I also like the idea of male companionship. I hate kisses etc. I'm perfectly happy to be biologically male. I've never actually tried to define myself. All I know is that I'm not typical. Being on the spectrum (though not yet diagnosed) also seems to make it impossible for me to have a normal relationship. I don't particularly want it any way.

So, I'd say you are romatically/erotically gay/homosexual in my opinion. I don't have much knowledge on this kind of thing. So I might be wrong.

I think you're gay. You're just unusual. I don't know if you could have sex or a relationship now but you don't know what the future could bring. I wouldn't worry about it. I knew a gay guy like you who felt he was asexual, he has boyfriend now.

As for the orgasm thing, I think that's how other people get turned on by seeing orgasms. It's a resonant thing for everyone.

Also, dating sites are weird. It's hard to find someone with the right chemistry.

Thank you both for the replies, I really appreciate it.

I don't think I can think of any. That's why I've always thought of myself as an atypical homosexual person and it never bothered me at all. I'm inclined to think that people like you (and me) don't very actively seek to meet other men and don't get to be known by others. So I believe that there are homosexual men of this type but they are kind of hidden. It's just my theory.

If you don't want to be kissed, it's very likely that your partner would have a problem with that if/when you have one. I wouldn't mind having a partner if I can find one that I can connect mentally with without too much of the physical side of a relationship. But I'm certainly not desperate for a relationship.

I think your saying "something intrinsically "off"" might be something to do with autism. Maybe your interaction with people in general (not just in romantic/sexual senses) is not very typical. That's why something is intrinsically "off". Just my thought. I surely see my own interaction with people in that way.

I am gay and I have a few of the characteristics you describe. In fact, I know a lot of gay guys who do (as one example, being turned off by anything anal). I think there are a lot of people who can relate to wanting companionship more than sex itself. I always had a low sex drive and it dropped to zero at some point, which I think is permanent. Nor do I want a relationship.

I would try a few sessions with a therapist because I think you would benefit from talking about this topic with someone who is trained. They might not fully understand you, but they could provide some guidance. I would bring the list of characteristics from your initial post, I bet they would find it helpful.

A facet of asexuality, I believe. There are many types. I saw a chart once, but I don't think I saved it. Ah, thank you wikipedia. Homoromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of the same gender – the romantic aspect of homosexuality

Which would be why you're into the companionship but not so much into the sexual aspects. There's also "demiromantic or demisexual: a person who may identify as a "grey asexual" because they may feel sexual desire once a reasonably stable/large emotional connection has been created"

Hopefully that helps.

Can you think of any possible differences between the guys you enjoy watching in porn and the guys you just don't feel "right" with on dating sites?

You not alone. I feel mostly the same.

I am what I am. That's how I deal with my sexual identity.
Who cares what label I am? If something feels right, I'll act on that feeling.