Difficulty Accepting Aspergers Syndrome

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Hi
Over the past 6 months of my life i have slowly, and against my own conscious will, starting accepting my self diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome.
I do not assume the psychological knowledge of a professional, but i do accept my own memory as being true and irrevocable. I am 2 weeks away from my evaluation day, and i am scared.

(this is all back-story, i feel its relevant, but you may not, the crux of the post is immediately below the paragraph break with stars)

If someone else came to me and told them they had it, and i believed them, i would encourage them and point out all of the positives in it, because there are heaps!
But when it comes to my own existence, i would rather (and have always just wanted to be) just be accepted and "normal".
The fact that i don't have a choice or a say in the matter scares me, and makes me feel like i am wrong (not about the diagnosis, but rather as me being a person)

Again, i see Aspergers as a brilliant gift, as well as a heavy burden, but for me, i have trouble believing i am worthy, or special or in any way unique,

I have always been an extremely high academic performer, without the need to actually study content, ,my brain is just like a sponge that absorbs information, almost unconsciously, and i adore that part of myself. it has allowed me to excel academically, which is nice. But i would have rather had friends. }
I wasn't friendless, i find it hard to believe any single kid in the 90s, at a school of 500 would be completely friendless, but i had to be shown (or guided) to my singular friend. His name is James, and he has Aspergers. He used to tell me that we were like family, like brothers, because i was far more like him than my own family. while i agreed, i didn't want to. My agreement came from the fact it was an empirically sound judgement. My disagreement came from my mother who believed i could i be completely socially competent if i learnt how to act, continuously. So that became my study, people watching, adapting, molding my behavior to fit those around me, just trying to blend in.

When i first started trying to implement this at age 10, i had already been socially outcast, well and truly.
So i applied it in High school. From day 1. For 6 years. I even forgot i was wearing a mask sometimes, but when i came home, and felt exhausted, not physically, but mentally and broke down in tears because i hated who i was, it sometimes came back.

I then started to use illicit drugs quite regularly, and whenever i had your typical "freakout" it was linked to one key thought, "God, i hope i'm not offendiing my friends right now, or not doing the right thing socially, i would hate to be alone again"

Anyway, today, i cried, like a child would weep for the first time in a year or two.
My current closest friend, whom helped me through all of high school, said to me, "You didn't get along with everyone else because you developed faster, you were just a lot smarter" to which i replied, almost crying "I didn't want to be smarter"

* * *

I guess i would just like some advice, or someone i can talk to one on one about this kind of thing. Wrong Planet seems like the right place for me, but i still have trouble immersing in any social culture as myself, its almost become counter-intuitive.

Thank you very much for reading

Alexander

Welcome aboard, MrJohnVan!

You're story is actually a pretty common one here. I haven't been your age since the late 70s, but my experiences in school were virtually identical, except that I reached the age of 45 before someone emailed me a link to a web article on AS and said "Read This, It Sounds Like You." It sounded so much like me it gave me chills. I had the creepy feeling that someone had been following me around with a video cam for years, taking notes and psychoanalyzing me behind my back.

Frankly, when I did get officially DX'd a couple years later, it was kind of cathartic at first - all those years that my parents, teachers and employers had been screaming at me "What the F**K is WRONG with you!?" when I couldn't do things the way they expected me to - at last I had an answer! Then, after a period of elation, there came the letdown, when it began to sink in that if this was a neurological dysfunction, hardwired into my brain from birth, then there was little hope of ever really overcoming it - although, at my age, I really already knew that - I'd known for years that I was what I was, whether I, or anyone else understood why, and there was no changing it.

There was also a period immediately after being officially diagnosed, during which I became hyper-aware of my own Autistic symptoms and behaviors. Every time I went out in public, I was painfully self-conscious about every tiny social interaction, I wondered if people could tell I was Autistic by the way I moved and walked, and whether I had always looked so outrageously GEEKY as I now felt. I realized many little habits I had were classic Autistic behaviors: When I'm out in public, I continually flip my car keys back and forth on their fob which barely disguises the fact that I'm HAND FLAPPING; I can't stand still in a checkout cue, I rock back and forth on the balls of my feet like a child, endlessly STIMMING; when someone engages me in conversation, I look past them, over their shoulder to avoid eye contact and sway elliptically from side-to-side, like Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles - in fact, that behavior had people asking me (in jest) for years if I was Autistic and my stock answer had always been "Lil bit, lil bit," only I was never really joking because I secretly suspected they might be right.

In any case, I think I've finally acclimatized to the reality and regained my stasis, for what its worth. I can't say "I've gotten back to normal," because I frankly wouldn't know what normal felt like and from what I've seen of it in others, they can keep it. WP is a great place for learning more about the condition and getting a sense of how others are coping with it. So enjoy your time here, stay till you've had your fill. I have a tendency to come and go at intervals, myself - this is my first visit back in about 2 years. Maybe I'll see you around for a while.

Hey Willard!

Thank you so much, I too am a constant stimmer and and overall geeky nervous type, and to be honest, i found it easy to accept when i was younger, as it was just who i was. But life has a way of introducing complexities that point it out in ones self, and point out that it is in fact a neurological problem.

To be honest, i have been researching and observing wrong planet for 3 months (when researching aspergers how can you not end up here?), but only recently had the confidence to post. I was almost expecting someone to jump in and say, you're not an aspie, you are just clinically insane! frank;ly this woiuld have been easier to accept, cause you know, you can cure insanity :s

I think that the next step for me has to be acceptance, otherwise i'm going to carry around a lot of internal negativity that is completely unnecessary!

And again, thank you for taking the time, AND KEEP ON STIMMING! :d

Alex

P.S. I also have been "suggested" as being a little autistic by many of my peers, and my reaction was also "yeah kinda a little bit" haha

Consider yourself lucky that you found out about it in your 20s. I did not know about until I was 41. One thing that sucks about aspergers is that there is no cure for it. But at least it's not an illness ether. Just knowing about it alone can help you manage it much better and can improve your life. I now use weighted blankets on my bed and I have yoga balls around the house for venting and satisfying my stimming needs. rather then resist stimming like I have done in the pass and make myself miserable in the process. I now learned to manage it. Plus knowing that I can't read body language. I now phrase my questions in such a way that it forces a verbal reply from the other person.

I hope your evaluation goes well. I am having mine next week. If I think about it too much, I start to hyperventilate. I've always known there was something "wrong" with me because of things my mother said and of course, other kids.

I had no friends at all throughout most of high school, and the ones I did have during the last couple of years were more like acquaintances with similar interests. If we had not all been thrown together at school, they would not have hung out with me. My school was very, very small, so I had a limited pool to choose from for friends. I was the odd duck. We all know how cruel kids can be when you don't fit in.

My nephew was diagnosed with Aspergers this past fall, and when his mother started listing off the symptoms and signs they looked for, I just kept thinking, "That's me, and that was me when I was a kid." I slowly started doing research. I found this site and started talking to people here. A few weeks ago, I showed my husband some of the articles I had found and let him read the lists of symptoms. He said at first he was pretty stunned, but the more he read the more he was sure this is what I have. I have felt incredibly happy and incredibly sad, sometimes both at the same time. It's a process. I'm glad you have someone to support you through this, and I'm glad you found this site.

Alex, your experience sounds too similar to my own for me to be unable to empathize. I was always a good student and earned the respect of most of my teachers and professors. Throughout my college years, I was often complimented by classmates I didn't know for my insightful questions and comments during class discussions.

Like you, many people have said that my adult life would be easier than my youth. Since I often felt socially isolated throughout my youth, and am starting my first full-time job two days from now, I hope they're correct. It might be for this reason that I've often gotten along better with people at least four years younger than myself (more "fun") or considerably older (better conversationalists.)

Either way, there's a lot of truth to the cliche "ignorance is bliss." If it was possible, I would gladly trade in my intelligence for happiness.

That sounds a lot like what I was going through, except I didn't use drugs. It can be hard at times but at least every once in a while you need an escape route, something to let you relax and forget that you're different from the Neurotypicals. I use fictional books and online games and RPG websites to help me relax and get more balanced emotions. I like sites like ovipets.com, because there's a lot of nice people on there and though, with any site, there are occationally a few mean and rude people, as with really any site, you run into them a lot less than other sites. Maybe you're not that big into animal sites, but you can still probably find some pretty cool sites out there. Hope that helps!

Welcome to WP Mr.Johnvan.

It is good that you are getting an official diagnosis so that you can be sure. Many people are fine to not have one for whatever reason is right for them and that is fine. But for you I think it will eventually give you peace of mind even if you might not understand that now. I was diagnosed late, I was first told I was on the spectrum at 45 and then got diagnosed at 47. It has been exactly a year since my diagnosis.

What might help you is to remember that getting diagnosed or finding out you are on the Spectrum does not make you a different person. It does not change you. You are still the same person you have always been. Even though you may not have known yourself that you were Autistic, if you actually are, you pretty much always have been. It's just identifying you, not creating you into something else.

Now what I found extremely helpful once I found out and then even more so after my diagnosis, is that knowing my conditions, Autism and Misophonia, which I also found out was the name for what I had at the same time that I found out I was on the spectrum, has been super helpful. (sorry, that was not a proper sentence. ) First of all, it has allowed me to give myself a break. I no longer blame myself for some of the things that others have blamed me for all my life, which I now know are not my fault but are simply traits and symptoms of my conditions. And now that I understand that, I can learn more strategies to help me navigate life.

Now I feel much more comfortable to tell people what I need and to ask for accommodations that I need rather than just pushing myself past my limits and damaging my body. Now if I tell people, I am sorry, I would love to attend your social function but I am not able to because it would be too overwhelming for me, I now understand for myself that I have a legitimate reason why it is too overwhelming for me and that it's not just me not doing whatever I thought I needed to do to be able to attend a social function and "survive" it just like every body else. I used to think it was because I was not doing this or that or not trying hard enough, and that is in every area of my life, not just social functions. But now that I know and understand more about Autism and now that I know that it is what is affecting me as well as the Misophonia, I can treat myself better and not fall into the trap of trying to keep up with everyone else because they all think I should be able to and I can't come up with a logical reason why I can't. And so I would keep trying and trying and failing and failing and after doing that for 45 years, your body starts to say that's enough and things get a bit ugly.

But now I understand that it's not because I am bad, it's not because I am unwilling, or lazy or rude or anything like that. It's just now I know what I have so I can learn to accommodate it and that is very helpful. But you are still the same person you were before. If you were a kind, compassionate, sweet, intelligent person before, you are still that. If you a mean, jerk before you might still be that. A diagnosis does not make you a different person but it can relieve a lot of the stress and frustration from having to navigate a world and not understanding why you are having trouble at every turn.

Like Willard, I have also become hyper aware of my traits and symptoms now especially when I have trouble with speech or when I stim. Sometimes I get insecure about it as well but the people in my life who really love me understand now that we know that I am Autistic and Misophonic and some of them like my husband and brother try to be extra loving and compassionate. Other people might still be mean but at least the two most important people in my life treat me much better now that we know.

Hi Willard!! I am so glad to see you. I have missed you.

This thread is necrobumped, Willard's post was from July 6, 2013. He did come back briefly a few months ago and the post is good anyhow.

Oh, goodness, I did not even look at the date. I feel stupid. I need to pay more attention to the dates of these threads.
Well, Willard, if you are out there and you read this, I do miss you.