Thirteen-year-old rarely leaves room

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Some context:

Our family has decided to move overseas, to the UAE for 2-3 years. My son is thirteen and diagnosed with Asperger's. I perceive him as fairly high functioning. Since school got out he has been in his room, under the covers, reading fan fiction on his laptop, watching game videos and checking out homestuck.

He comes up for air about once and hour and shoots baskets outside for about 20 minutes (he's starting to get a little better) then heads back downstairs. Whenever we ask him to do anything around the house, it's like pulling teetch, and he says he's tired all the time. The doctor says there is nothing physically wrong with him.

I know we need to build some structure for him, but it's been tough as we prepare for the move.

1) What are some great books on parenting teens with Asperger;s?

2) Do you think he is just stressed about the upcoming move?

3) Does this behavior seem Aspie, or just teenager-ish?

4) Should we take away his laptop?

Thanks.

I'm 14, NT, and I do this. Seems just teenish to me.

Thank you, I appreciate any insights you might have.

How does he feel about the move? I'd be mainly concerned about that. Will he be attending an international school?

He told me he's stressed about it, but also wants to go.

All of the schools have huge waiting lists, so he may not get into a school right away.

He seems fairly okay to me. My 12 year old is quite similar. As long as they're eating, being somewhat active, somewhat polite and doing most or all of their chores(lol), then I don't worry. But, I am a kind of laid back style parent. Hope that helps.
Best of luck with the move, and take care.
Edited to add: Do not at this time take away anything! Bad timing, adds stress, conflict, mistrust, and other negatives just when you want him to feel safe.

1) I haven't reached the teen years, yet, so I won't be any help there.
2) I would assume he is on some level, even if he is not vocalizing it. It won't hurt him to hibernate a bit, if it steadies him.
3) Yes, and Yes. Meaning it could be a combination of point #2, being a teen in general, and specifically being an Aspie teen might exacerbate it.
4) Why? Let him have the things that make him feel secure. He has a big change coming up.

I don't see anything harmful in what he is doing. I agree with Wreck-Gar that you should concentrate more on making the move as smooth a transition as possible. Give him as much information as you can, in written and picture form, if possible, assuming his teen-self is open to it.

Interesting! I've never been one to spend much time in my room except to sleep. By the time I was 12, I wouldn't go to my room in the summer from the time I got up in the morning until I was ready to go to bed at night. In the summer, that was usually from around 6 to 8 am until 9 or 10 pm. Even if I took a nap, it was on the sofa in the living room, not in my bedroom.

Even when I was much younger, I didn't spend time in the bedroom in the daytime. I might run up to get something, but I didn't stay there.

In the daytime I was generally outside unless it was mealtime. In the evening, if I was in the house, it was usually in the living room reading or watching tv.

The notion of staying in one's bedroom all day at any age strikes me as being rather bizarre.

Well, he alternates between shooting layups, then returning to hibernation. I'll encourage him to invite some friends over--that tends to bring him out of his shell a little. He is usually exhausted afterwards.

Hi! Will you be in Dubai? I've been several times, to visit my husband when he worked in Afghanistan. Very cool place, but the air quality is not like you see in the pretty blue sky travel advertisements...

So, I wouldn't take away his laptop. I'd instead use it as a reward for him to earn after he does some sort of minimal helpful things around the house. Such as after you take out the garbage and vacuum, you get an hour on the laptop. Variations are fine of course depending on how much time you think he should get, how much work you think he should do (don't go from no chores whatsoever to he suddenly has to clean the whole house every day! ) and what sorts of chores he'd do well at (like some kids don't like the noise of the vacuum, are terrible at folding towels, don't want to work independently alone in a part of the house, whatever.)

As it stands right now, my almost 12 year old son has spent maybe a grand total of 45 minutes alone in his room, total, in his whole life. He is afraid to be alone. It can be exhausting for me! Him too I'm sure. So if you envision the total opposite of what's bothering you about your kid at the moment, then that can help you feel a bit better about what he's actually doing. I just put a TV in my son's room a week ago with the hope that it would encourage him to spend some time in there alone, but so far, not as much as I had hoped, but he has probably accrued 40 of the aforementioned 45 minutes just in the last week. LOL. Still not as much as I was hoping for, but I'm sure at some point he will not want to spend every moment with me... I think...

take care!

That is a hilarious story and helpful advice. It's funny how they are all so different. I like your laptop/reward suggestion.

Well, my particular 13 year old is still on Legos and Superheroes, and just generally doesn't function at the level of fanfic and homestuck. However, most of my friends from another group online are in the teen to early 20's age range and many or most of them are on the spectrum somewhere, and that description of activities sounds very similar. I was reading that thinking, now there aren't currently any that young on is there?

But seriously, it sounds pretty normal to me, at least for the type of person who likes to spend time on the web reading fanfic and webcomics (I do). He's taking regular movement breaks, so that's a good thing. If he's shirking chores, some discussion is needed, but I agree with the others to try to go pretty easy with the stress of the move.

I would definitely make sure the laptop is out of his room at night... At a decent time and that he has no access to it overnight. You could work out a time that you agree on and another time when he is able to start playing in the morning. Hopefully he's getting enough sleep.

My kids are on holidays too and it was a struggle to get them to do anything non screen related. I put a 3 hours a day limit for them and no screens before 10am. Which is sooo generous but they are finding it hard! It's working though, they have to force themselves to find something to do. DS 14, doesn't have the same limit as the others. He uses the iPad to communicate, so has it with him at all times.

My NT 12 yr old DD was really tired earlier in the year. We started taking her phone, laptop and iPad ( which she uses at school) out of her room each night. They are all charged in the family room now, she "hands them in" at 9pm. The sounds of incoming texts, messages, charger alerts etc... was too much for her to resist and too hard for her to ignore. Sleeping much better now surprise, surprise

Good luck, lots of big changes coming up for him.

That is how my 12 year old NT daughter likes to spend her days, when she can. She also complains of being tired a lot ...

I teeter here because hiding out is the sort of thing I do when I get depressed or stressed out, and my daughter is the moody one of my two kids, so there is a connection with depression/stress/anxiety for her as well.

I guess what I'd want to know is what happens if you plan ahead for a day out, where he can't follow this routine: will he be up for that, or will it be like moving boulders? If the later, there could be more going on. If the former, he could just be going with the flow and relaxing in preparation for the upcoming craziness of moving and adjusting.

My daughter is having a pretty lazy summer but she is doing volunteer work two or three days a week, and is in constant text contact with her friends. If we plan ahead, she's content to get out and do something else, which is why I suggest that as a check in.

Some kids really do become like seals on a rock as they hit their teen years, but I think it is always good to keep an eye out for when what might be normal is actually something else.

We are moving to Qatar; I was hesitant to name the place for fear of someone figuring out who I am but then realized it doesn't matter.

If I ask my son to go with me to get ice cream or we have a family activity he is pretty cooperative, so hopefully that bodes well for his underlying disposition.

We suck at Aspie parenting. I am lazy and my wife is very "no nonsense" i.e. tends to view accommodations as coddling on a fundamental level.

On the chores, I think many AS people have the problem of being slow to switch between tasks, especially when it's unexpected. He may be less resistant if he is told in advance what is expected of him, and when. As a kid I was very upset when I was pulled away from my reading or my video games. Fortunately my parents usually discussed things in advance. Even today I like to know things in advance, no surprises for me.

As a kid I also spent quite some time in my room, usually reading or video games. The internets wasn't so much back then.