Absolutely overwhelmed.

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Fellow Aspergians,

I am at my limit, and I feel like no one in my life seems to care or understand. Currently, its as if I am surrounded by mindless bobble-heads, smiling and nodding at everything I say like the act alone is enough. I know that a lot of us probably feel this way on the regular, so I just need to vent and get this out of my system before I have a major meltdown. I am writing this to express myself in a safe setting, as I don't feel like letting someone in my family come across this in a blog entry and having it become an issue.

As some of you may know, I was recently informed that the house I am living in is about to be sold, and I have one month to find a new residence. The search is not going well. I am on SSI and have a fixed income, but my monthly check is not a livable amount, so I have to resort to roommates in order to survive.

I have lived with my best friend off and on for the past seven years. I depend on him for practically everything (meal preparation, grocery shopping, laundry/shower/cleaning reminders, transportation to appointments, emotional support, etc) and honestly, I really want to give him a break and live separately. I'm just afraid to live with anyone else, and know I cannot live alone yet. I have very few friends, and I feel like, if I move in with any of them, there will be a good chance that they will not be able to handle me. Not to say that I'm especially difficult to live with (I'm very clean and tidy, quiet, hardly leave my room,) but being casual friends with an Aspie (seeing them every few weeks to months) versus living with one... those are two completely different things; not to mention my dietary restrictions (no gluten, dairy, eggs,) OCD, severe anxiety/agoraphobic tendencies (non-epileptic stress-induced seizures,) etc. I'd hate to think about what my friends would do the first time they walked into the kitchen to see me pacing in circles and flapping my hands while trying to decide what to eat.

I hate being dependent on others. I had really hoped that I could get into a semi-assisted living program to slowly transition into being able to live alone, but that is not possible as the program is full and the next available option would be too expensive (as I cannot even afford to find an apartment.) This leaves me the option of moving with the same friend again, which I suppose I could handle if in the right living situation. He doesn't make a lot of money though, so we are below the financial level of affording a two-bedroom apartment.

Then an additional stressor was added.

Several months back, my younger sister (21, currently dx'd schizo-effective/bipolar, but more likely ASD, on tons of medication, lives with my mom) and I were speaking hypothetically about us living together. Key word: hypothetically. Well last week, a friend of my mother's found my sister passed out (from drinking) on the sidewalk in the middle of the night, and had to carry her home. Someone stole her phone, which was thankfully, the worst thing that happened to her. My mother texts me in an absolute fit, and says she is going to kick her out if she drinks in the house again. She then tells me that I "have to remember an extra room for her (my sister) when I'm moving," and got mad at me when I dodged that comment. She is basically trying to off-load my sister on me. I am incredibly upset by this for several reasons:

1) I cannot support her (she doesn't have a job.) I cannot watch her 24/7. I cannot be held responsible for her actions. She is not my responsibility.
2) My mother seems to forget that I am on disability, unable to work or effectively take care of myself.
3) I am easily upset/overwhelmed by peoples' drunken behavior, and I certainly wouldn't know how to handle a situation like the one I previously mentioned.
4) I never said I was going to move with her. In fact, I stated that we would have a very difficult time living together.

So, my mother is basically guilt-tripping me because I don't want to be made responsible for my alcoholic sister. And it is working. I feel awful. I know that I shouldn't feel responsible - hell, I can't even take care of myself - but my mother has this ability to make me feel horrible about anything.

So, the housing situation sucks. The roommate situation sucks. The family situation sucks. On top of that, I was informed by my doctor that I have several spots of severe dysplasia (the highest level of precancer in the cervix before actually having cancer) and need to get a procedure done to remove all of the abnormal tissue. I also have an abscessed tooth that has spread its infection into my sinus cavity and has been causing me to have a bloody nose almost constantly for the past two months. I'm going in this week for oral surgery to get my tooth removed and hopefully take care of that problem, and making an appointment for my cervical procedure, but having to deal with those two things on top of the rest of this is driving me insane.

Oh, and I'm expected to be a part of a wedding party next month, in a wedding that I was previously told would not be happening "for quite some time."

So, dear WPers, that is my story. I feel like my brain is going to explode from all of this stress, and I cannot stop stimming/isolating for fear of having the worst meltdown of my life. How I am controlling myself is beyond me, but I feel like I can't keep it up much longer. I've been picking at myself and pulling bits of hair out, and really... I'm just afraid I'm going to lose it, whatever 'it' is.

I know this is disgustingly long. You don't need to read it. I just needed to feel like I was sharing it with someone that will understand.

sorry if this seems lame, but how about a one-bedroom apartment whose bedroom would be yours? and your room mate could make a sleeping area in part of the living room.

Don't worry about the length, you're a good writer and your post was very readable. It had a very narrative, logical, flowing style.

Is there any chance you could just explain to the bride that you weren't expecting the wedding to be so soon, and you won't be able to participate due to life circumstances? I bet she'd understand. With other things putting so much pressure on you that are unavoidable, I think that might be a wise thing to do.

I'm very sorry to hear about your medical concerns, do you have some insurance available to help with those?

Be sure to post back about how your housing search is going and what your thoughts are.

I'm so sorry, this really doesn't sound easy. But if we can all just help you take it apart piece by piece, and deal with each little part, hopefully things will change dramatically and you'll soon be relieved.

It doesn't sound lame at all; in fact, it has been discussed. The main concern with that arrangement is that I would likely only be able to afford an equal to lesser amount of rent, and I would feel bad that I would be getting the "better deal." I suppose with the right apartment/circumstances, it could work out. My friend has been working a lot lately, so I haven't had much time to discuss this seriously with him.



I appreciate your kind words and advice. I could try to talk to her about the wedding, but there are a few points that will make that difficult. My main concern is that she is marrying my friend's father (who's house I am currently living in and having to move from) and they dropped both the wedding and the house selling on us at the same time. Also, she is not exactly NT herself, and communicating with her on any level is extremely stressful and overwhelming. I'm going to try writing out a bit of a script to see if I can find a way to effectively handle it. At the least, I would like my part in the wedding to be very small, with little to no memorization or instructions aside from "walk here, then stand here" and that sort of thing. She mentioned having me walk with either her extremely introverted nephew, or her dog (she has severe anxiety, so she wants her dog to be present during the ceremony.) If all I had to do was walk down the aisle with her dog and stand there, I might be able to handle it (as the dog has a calming effect on me as well) but those details haven't been "ironed out" yet.

I'm covered by my mother's insurance, so I'm hoping I won't have to pay too much out of pocket for the medical procedure. I don't have dental insurance, though, and the last dentist I got a consultation with said my mouth would cost me around $20,000 to fully repair with no insurance (and that is without anything cosmetic.) Luckily, I got my backpayment from SSI recently, so I'll be able to put that towards fixing the most concerning issues. It just stresses me out because I had hoped to use that money for moving. Oh well.

I will keep you informed on how things progress. You have no idea how much I appreciate having someone to talk to about these things that understands why I feel the way I do. I'm really glad to have this community as a form of support.

Is being in the wedding party going to cost anything? Fancy dress? Food? If so, easy out: Tell them that because of the sudden expenses from moving, you're unable to make the added expense fit into your very limited budget. If they offer to pay for you, gracefully decline with the, "No, I couldn't. You've already done so much for me by being great landlords, etc, that I can't allow it. But, thank you for thinking of me, and congratulations on your marriage. I hope that you have the beautiful day that you deserve!" If they blow up on you at that point, or try to guilt trip you, then they're being manipulative, and you probably shouldn't be in the wedding party of someone who would guilt you into it, anyway.

The living situation, I could see how it would be stressful. Absolutely NO on the sister moving in. If it helps you to have an outside authority standing up against your mother with you, could you tell her that a doctor or therapist told you absolutely no? Or, actually have a doctor/therapist call/draft an e-mail stating absolutely no?

When it comes to where to move, at least temporarily, would an extended stay hotel be an option, until you could find a new roommate? It would be small, inexpensive, solitary, and likely kept up, at least somewhat, by the staff? If you are on disability, is it possible that you would qualify (alternately) for an in-home support person to visit throughout the week to help with what you would need? Or, another option, is there income based housing available where you live? They may give you priority due to fixed disability income, and would only make you pay a set percentage of your income. You could stay elsewhere (like the extended stay hotel, or temporarily with a friend) until accepted into low income, income based housing?

I wish you luck! I'm right there with you lately, in feeling overwhelmed.

I know how hard it can be to find a place that you can afford. We were in that same boat for years and years (even with roomates). Not doing too bad now, but we still can't afford a place that isn't in a shady neighborhood. If you were in Cleveland I'd let you crash in the empty bedroom I have until you found something acceptable.

It sounds like you have more then enough to handle with your own life. I think the correct thing to do is not take your sister as an additional burden. It may mean estrangement from Mother or Sister, but that is better then setting yourself up for a catastrophic failure/breakdown.

I agree your Mother is trying to hand off something on you inappropriately. Your sister at 21 is an adult, but it is the Mother's responsibility to fledge the birdies or assist them getting into the appropriate situation, not yours the sister, with your own difficulties.

If you do become estranged, you will probably be cutting off your own option to live with your mother. But it is probably a good idea to remain independent anyway.

what you could do, is make a bargain with your roommate, in that in return for the bedroom that you will do a certain amount of the mutual apartment chores, which would be helpful to him as you said he has been working a lot. just a thought.

There isn't anything fancy about this wedding, but I am expected to adhere to a color scheme that cannot be produced from my closet. She wants nice clothing in shades of exotic foods and spices (saffron, papaya, kumquat, tamarind, etc.) which I find to be quite strange. I'm not exactly a pink/yellow/orange type myself, so I wouldn't even know where to begin in selecting out of those colors. I think you brought up a good point though, regardless. I wouldn't mind attending the wedding, but being a part of it (when I'm not blood-retlated to anyone there) feels kind of strange to me. I just didn't know how to tell them no.





I'm glad that you both agree with me. I love my sister, but I could not handle that kind of behavior. I mean, I understand that my mother is entirely overwhelmed by her behavior, but it feels like since I am not doing the same behaviors (anymore,) she assumes that I should be able to handle it. Like she forgets that I am on disability for a reason, or what my AS diagnosis actually means. The thing that frustrates me the most is that after reading about AS, she suspects that even SHE may have it. Living with my mother is NOT an option for me. I moved out of her house when I was barely seventeen because I could not handle living with her. We've only recently been able to consider ourselves "friendly" simply because I demand a certain amount of distance in our relationship.





I may begin looking into more temporary options. I have a cat, so I have to make sure that wherever I go, he will be allowed with me. My ultimate goal would be to find a place that I could afford on my own (likely through income-based housing) with a support person. There was a place that would have done that exact thing, only the wait list is ten YEARS long. Most income-based housing in this area is like that; practically impossible to get into. I wish that I could trust living with one of my other friends, but I don't know how they would handle living with me. They haven't witnessed my meltdowns or severe stimming days because I do my best to hide that behavior whenever I see them. Besides, I don't want to turn another friend into a caretaker - it just makes me feel terrible.

sonofghandi - That is very nice of you. It makes me sad to see that the government makes it impossible for people with disabilities to afford to live in safe environments. When I was awarded SSI, they took me off of food stamps (I "made too much money" even though the amount I get is less than the limit set in place for food stamps) and since I have a restricted diet, I have to spend more money than I'd like in order to eat healthily. So, they've made it practically impossible for me to support myself.

I really appreciate all of the advice and support you all have given me. I have been a wreck the past few days, and with your help, I feel like I can start breaking things down and working on them from different angles. Sometimes it is hard to look past the 'big picture' when it stretches further than your eyes can see.

I had actually come up with a similar bargain with a friend previously, but our plans fell through. I think I will discuss this with him, or whomever I end up moving with, as I don't really leave the house anyway and enjoy cleaning.

If the area you live in is impossible for you to get by in on your allotted income, could you possibly find an area to move to with lower cost of living? I know that the difference between where I live and the cost in any city is enormous. With the move, you'd have an excellent reason to not have *anyone* move in with you--you'd be moving out of town/state! I'm in income-based housing here, and it only took us a couple of months from the date of application, so the area you live in can cause waiting times to vary enormously, too. And, even without an apartment being income-based, they are still very inexpensive. The downside, though, would be a difference in supports available, I'm sure.

move in with your old roomate he sounds like a better option.

As for your sister your mother has options with your sister. You take care of you and get the medical stuff taken care of. As for the wedding you can go to a thrift store and see if you can get a dress there. Alternatively you could tell them you are having a health issues and won't be able to take part in the wedding. You might consider going to a smaller city where expenses might be less.

Finding and moving into a new place is going to be difficult enough so I think you should try and minimise the amount of change that is going to take place - i.e. try and stay with your current roomate. I assume that your existing roommate/housemate is happy in the situation with you? If they are happy to continue this situation, then please stick with them and maybe they are more capable in finding the new situation for you as well? I think it is fabulous that they are happy to work in a symbiotic (sp?) relationship with you. I think you need to minimise just how much change is going to happen right now. I always think I can handle a whole heap of changes all at once but its only in hindsight that I work out what the best situation would have been (I think its part of seeing the bigger picture which I can't see at the time I have to make all the decisions).

Definitely say No to living with your sister. You know already that you can't cope with that. I suspect you also know that your Mum is going to make it difficult for you to say no though.. I don't really have any advice on how to say things just right though..

I'm just commenting on the move...

(Apologies on the spelling, I probably know this word but sometimes I just get a blank and can't work it out.)

I keep checking on this thread, I think I must be concerned. But don't you be, it sounded like you were already well on your way at the time of your post. I'm glad you're getting the abscess taken care of ASAP, that is probably the most pressing thing.

I think you're going about this in a good way and thinking very clearly on it; you've got yourself in your corner, and you've got a good head on your shoulders, so I'm confident you're going to get through it and be alright. You may be feeling anxious, but you're capable, and probably stronger than you ever thought.

As the most pressing things drop of the list, this is going to get exponentially more easy with each step. Getting the dental and sinus work done is a good start, just imagine how much easier it will be even without that.

I really hope you're alright. Your situation has been on my mind all throughout the day, and I think part of what's happening is I've read your story and I keep picturing your avatar, and I have this image of a diminutive girl all alone in a tough world facing more at once than some people face in 10 years.

I once was part of a field trip here in Seattle, during which we talked to a girl who had gone to my college and wound up homeless due to life circumstances and was also facing a slew of medical problems. It wasn't easy for a long time, but she got safely into housing again and life started to stabilize. I don't think that will happen to you, but that's why I'm thinking if the housing situation just isn't working out, be sure to let us know. I hope you'll be able to keep living with your friend too though.

Take care and keep in touch.

Well, I'm back with some updates.

I got my tooth pulled last week. The dentist finally understood the severity of the situation when I left him a message describing my constant bloody nose. I went in last Tuesday for an emergency extraction, and literally AS SOON AS my tooth was out, my nose stopped bleeding. It's been a week and it hasn't bled at all. My dentist told me I have to make sure the extraction site heals properly, as the roots of my moral breached my sinus cavity and let the infection spread in there, but all seems well thus far. I am feeling very relieved on this matter. I'm also going in on Friday to get all of my pre-cancerous cells removed via LEEP, so hopefully I won't have to worry about that anymore.

Despite the good news, my mental state is almost indescribable. I have had a panic attack, meltdown, or seizure almost every day. Last night, my friend came home and found me banging my head on the floor, clawing at my arms/shoulders, mostly non-verbal, and pretty much inconsolable. I don't know what triggered it specifically. All I can remember is thinking/saying (I'm not sure if I was actually saying it or not) "I can't do this, I can't do this," over and over again. He managed to pull me out of it and got me to take an anxiety pill to knock me out. That has been our most positive encounter in weeks, but I'll get to that later.

The moving ordeal has had its ups and downs.
-- My friend's family found a house, put an offer on it, and it was accepted. They'll be moving in four days after they have to move out of this house. I hope that I find somewhere to go before then, because I would have to stay in the living room of the new house, not have any space to myself, and live with two additional people and a dog that my cat really hates.
-- I don't think that moving with my friend is really an option at this point. We have been fighting a lot lately, to the point where just being in the same room as him will trigger what feels like a "pre-meltdown" warning. I become extremely irritable, sensitive, and stuck in a negative mindset, like I'm bracing myself for a coming fight (even if we're just playing video games together or he's saying hello before leaving for work.) I think that moving with him this time will put too much of a strain on our friendship, as does another friend that I have been talking to about this.
-- Luckily, I found a few places in/around Seattle that set your rent at 30% of your income. They have waiting lists, and I'm not sure how long they are, but I am going to probably take the bus down to Seattle and fill out some applications soon. The website says they give priority to disabled people with extremely low income, and as I'm at about 15% of Seattle's Median Area Income, I probably qualify for priority placement. At least that aspect is looking up!

I still haven't faced the situation with my sister or the wedding yet. I keep trying to get myself to bring it up to either party, but I have too much anxiety to actually say anything.

My birthday will land in the midst of the moving frenzy, and as it is my quarter-century celebration, I am disappointed that there will be so much chaos and action going on. If I don't find a place to live by the end of August, I will just rent a hotel room for my cat and myself, and we will celebrate quietly together until everything calms down.

Thank you for your concern and support. I know I been updating all of you, but I have been thinking of you guys when I need to push myself out of a self-defeating mood. I really appreciate all of you.

Hope the housing situation works out soon! I know that whenever I have issues with my apartment or landlord, it spills over into other areas of my life and it's hard to feel secure about anything until it resolves.

Sorry to hear about the timing of your birthday, too. Could you just 'postpone' it and celebrate later when you're in a better place? If you plan to do that, just make sure you actually follow through with it and treat yourself to something really good! (I 'postponed' my 30th this year because I wound up on bedrest with complications from a spinal tap I had the day before and never got around to actually celebrating later myself, but it's okay as I've just been using that as an excuse to stay in my 20's forever. )

I know it's really difficult, but try to bear in mind that everything you are going through right now has a beginning, a middle and an end. And, luckily, it sounds like your health issues are coming to an end soon, and I'm really happy for you in that regard.