House guests

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Hey there all

Having people to stay at your house, and the changes that come with it.

Does anybody else here suffer difficulty with adapting to change that having house guests imposes on you?

I have a lovely friend who lives 3 hours from me and she comes to visit sometimes, but she always criticizes me on my lack of ability in welcoming her and letting her do the things she says she needs in order to be comfortable in my house

I have always gone on the knowledge that when you stay in somebody elses house you respect their rules, and you try your best to avoid changing things for them.
My house, my rules sort of thing.

My friend is telling me that this is incorrect and that I should be changing anything that will make things more comfortable for my house guests

I live in a 2 room apartment. The kitchen and living room are one room, and the bedroom is another. I have a small bathroom that is obviously not used for socializing. or for storage.

She wants to bring a fan with her because I don't have one. I don't have one because of the amount of electric they use and I find having the windows open adequate enough most of the time. They few times that is not OK I just tolerate it, go and have a cold shower or something

She brings bedsheets and blankets and pillows with her even though I have those and have never refused her using any of my things.

She makes me brush my hair in the living room because she doesnt like hairs on the mat or in the bathroom where my mirror is.
She doesnt like it that I keep my toothbrush and toothpaste and deodorant on the sink ledge. I have no bathroom cabinet or any other suitable surface for them to be.

I see this as an insult because she does not like my things the way I have them.

She says when she has house guests she lets them do what they want. well for a start she lives in a big house so a guest is not noticed that much there, and she doesnt have to change anything she does. I don't make any demands on her and I try to put my stuff and myself in a position that is least inconvenient for her
She compares her NT self to me, and tries to make me feel bad that I do things differently to her and have difficulty adapting to change.


Should I be accommodating her more??
Am I wrong to like my house the way I like it and not have guests come in and change things to suit themselves?

Do other people here with Aspergers suffer similar problems?
If so, what do you do about it ?? (ASIDE from not having guests at all)

Everything you do sounds acceptable to me, you don't appear to have any unsavory habits that should be addressed.
How often does this friend visit? If it is very infrequent I would just put up with her demands and accept that's the way she is, although I share your belief that you do in other peoples homes as they request.

Sounds more like a demanding pest than a friend, and I wouldn't be accommodating them if I were you.
You don't mention anything that sounds remotely like a friendship with this person, and I think they're just taking advantage.
If they really care about you they shouldn't be offended if you tell them your house is not a hotel, and if they want to have everything the way they want it without you using your bathroom to take care of your personal grooming they should leave and check in to a hotel somewhere.

If they're really your friend they'll discuss this with you and apologise for upsetting you.
If they aren't they'll blame you for making them feel upset, use guilt and obligation to continue to take advantage of you, and leave you anxious and depressed. - That's emotional blackmail and should not be tolerated; I copped that from my family and had to cut them from my life, as it was making me physically and mentally unwell.

Friends don't treat friends like that, and from what you've stated, your house guest is not your friend, just someone you know that's taking advantage of your accommodating nature.

As for how we'd cope with the situation;
We live in a 2 bedroom villa, and the second bedroom accommodates the laptop, desk, and my wife's power driven wheelchair.
We used to have a spare bed, but gave it up when my daughter stoped staying overnight.
We previously would allow guests, but our hot water system is too small to manage showers and other necessities if we have guests, and we have to consider ourselves first as the people who live here, and friends though welcome to visit, are not welcome to stay overnight.
I think if you live in a small apartment or unit it's okay to refuse guests staying over, as you need your privacy and space; that's nothing to do with ASP, and every bit to do with knowing reasonable boundaries.

Let me get this straight...
Someone else wants you to change to make them more comfortable?! Strange!
She expects you to believe that if she's made super comfortable she will still go home, eventually?
You want to know if anybody else has troubles with people in their home. (Have you noticed that all 7 billion of us don't live in the same house? hehe =)
Your friend claims she doesn't feel welcome but she keeps coming back anyway??
She claims she's right, and you're wrong because YOU don't change your life and house for her??
She doesn't want you to use the facilities (bathroom) that you pay for, because she doesn't like to have her eyeballs offended by seeing a hair out of place?
She claims she does it for others so you should do it for her.

And she's apparently hugely accommodating to everyone else except when she's the guest then she's demanding and hyper-critical.



Lastly, You are asking us if YOU are the badguy?

hmmmm lemme think about this for a bit - I'll get back to you...

Two words for you: periscope down.

If any tells me to do something i dont feel confotable with i try to cope with the change as much as possible but your ffriend seems to demanding on you and that should not be happening if your apparently friends.

I would avoid her at all cost,it could be a case of someone with a narsasistic personality
becuase of the fact that she does things without others input on matters that should be
changed according to your own standards of living not your friends.

Your friend doesn't sound like a very good friend to me! She seems way too demanding. I'd get lower-maintenance friends if I were you.

My feeling on houseguests is that they can gtfo. I don't want anyone staying here. If they did I'd feel like I have to stay in my room and I'd worry about them messing with my stuff, plus I'd worry about my cats. Luckily for me my mother doesn't like houseguests either and most of my life we lived in a place too small for people to sleep over.

My parents don't like guests, therefore I hardly ever have guests in my house. My father only calls people when he needs them, like, if it's about repairing the computer, the air conditioner, or stuff like that.
There is a neighbour that sometimes gets into my house to talk to my mother, but she goes out rather quickly, also she's a person I knowso it is not that bad.
When people I don't know come to my house I just stay into my room the whole time, or most of the time. As long as people don't touch my stuff and don't cover it with their germs it is ok (unless I'm sure they are clean people and I know them; they can touch my stuff in that case).
When I was a child my parents say that I used to ask without lowering my voice tone "when are they going to get out of here?", and this is why they told me that it was just better if I stayed into my room and didn't say anything that is what I do now.

The only people I can accept without any problem are a co-worker of my father's, which I don't see anymore because he moved a few years ago and my friends.
Up to a few years ago I neither wanted friends in my house, but then I got better and now there are no problems.

The only person who stayed in my house more than a few hours was an uncle of mine, that stayed with my family for 2 weeks because he didn't have a house anymore.
I just saw him at lunch or dinner, but I was bothered when I tried to read or do things because he was always chatting with my mother and I get easily distracted.

Thanks for all your help and advice

She is otherwise a great friend apart from this recurring problem that we have
she doesnt live close enough to me to just come for a day (a 3 hour drive)

I dont want to fall out with her over it, and i am really tryin to find an agreement that works out best of both of us. I just don t think it right of her to demand when we eat, when we sleep when we get up etc etc. I am used to doing what I please, In my own house at least if nowhere else!! !

My good friend that visits me on occasion (she lives 4 hours away), she actually tries very hard to make sure I'M comfortable in my own home. She sleeps on the couch with whatever I give her, she's open about food because she's not the picky eater (I am), she is just totally open with whatever. Maybe it's because she's a go with the flow person and also has known me since 8 years old and knows all my quirks. She has her quirks too and I accept them. That's what friendship is, accepting each other for who they are and liking each other for who they are. Whenever I go to her house I make sure I'm keeping my space clean and helping with anything she needs because she's allowing me in HER HOME and I want to respect HER HOME. It goes both ways and that's how it should be. I wouldn't be comfortable with the idea of someone bending backwards for me while I'm staying in their home. I want them to be comfortable and happy too. I want it to be a good experience for both of us.

Are you someone that lets others domineer you? I ask because despite this friend's awful behaviour you still say she's lovely. I cannot see how that behaviour in a person gels with the term "lovely". She has been way out of order with you, very rude. What a damned cheek that she demands you don't use your own bathroom!!

I can't see any way round this other than either to put your foot down, or continue letting her walk all over you. People will get away with what you let them get away with. Do what you have always done and you will get what you've always got.

Best of luck,

I´d say if she wants to bring her fan and own bedstuff, it would be ok for me, so this isnt changing anything of my stuff. About the hairbrushing, the teethbrush and so on, thats not her to discuss. ^^

She is not a guest, she is an obnoxious invading force!
You sooo have to visit her instead and make ridiculous demands.