Hi parents, would you like to answer some questions? :)

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Hi parents, I'm an Aspie in my early 20s. I'm single, unmarried and childless. My current job (a temp job) requires me to work with very young children. I think I'm alright when working with 2-year-old kids but I can't really work with 3-year-old kids and 4-year-old kids that well. My colleagues haven't been very helpful. Maybe I'm paranoid... I'm afraid that my boss might sack me anytime. Um, here are my questions. You don't have to answer every single one of them. Thank you in advance!

Q1. I work mainly with 3-year-old kids. Even though these kids address me as "Miss", I suspect that they view me as their overaged playmate. None of them listens to me. Whenever I give instructions, they either shout NO or ignore me while continuing to run and/or jump and/or giggle and/or shriek (happily) and/or throw things everywhere. Some kids asked me questions like "Why aren't you eating together with us?" as if I'm their classmate. Whenever I take out a storybook from my bag to read to them, 90% of the time, they will start taking out storybooks to read too. No matter how I explain to them that I'm conducting a storytelling session instead of a "let's all read storybooks" session, they don't seem to understand me. (Many of these kids have the bad habit of throwing storybooks around instead of reading them. They usually lose their temper or simply ignore me when I ask them to return the storybooks to the bookshelf.) I don't really understand what the kids have been telling me. If I have interpreted them correctly, their logic seems to be...
Icyfire4w5 is my classmate. She enjoys taking storybooks out to read aloud to herself. If she can take out storybooks to read, it means that I can take out storybooks to read too while she reads her own storybooks aloud.
I want to remain as these kids' overaged playmate because I don't have the necessary qualifications (yet???) to teach them, but I expect them to follow my instructions. Can I have the best of both worlds please?

Q2. As some sort of last resort, my boss told me to distribute stickers to the 3-year-old kids to reward them for good behavior during several rounds of "follow the leader" game. First they ignored my instructions asking them to line up for the stickers, then some of them cried upon hearing that each kid was entitled to only one sticker, then some of them lost their temper when their classmates refused to exchange stickers with them... If stickers don't work, in the future, how can I reward kids when they behave well. (How do you reward your own kids when they behave well?)

Q3. Um, let me use screaming as an example. When I tell the kids not to scream, they ignore me and continue screaming non-stop. When I try to use reverse psychology on the kids by telling them to scream all they want, they continue screaming non-stop too. One kid told me (in her own 3-year-old language) that I mustn't stop her friends and her from various "disruptive acts" such as screaming because such acts make them happy. They don't seem to derive much happiness from "more peaceful acts" such as playing with toys quietly or listening to stories or performing action rhymes as a class. How do you convince your kids to invest their energy in "more peaceful acts" rather than "disruptive acts"?

Q4. What's the difference between bullying and "having fun"? Some of the 4-year-old kids are especially aggressive (both physically and verbally) towards me when playing with me. (E.g. Some kids stop hitting me as soon as I tell them calmly to stop. But... When they see me the next day, they hit me as though they have already forgotten what I told them.)

Q5. Among the 3-year-old kids, Girl A often picks on Girl B. Thanks God I notice that Girl B takes the initiative to stay as far away as possible from Girl A. (My colleague reprimanded Girl A for instructing other girls to slap Girl B.) I worry that Girl A will grow up into a nasty two-faced bully. She has two followers (followers, not friends) (both girls) who seem to idolize and imitate her every move. If Girl A likes you, she will treat you so lovingly to the extent of smothering you with hugs and kisses. If Girl A dislikes you, she is capable of making your life miserable. (She once slapped me without any rhyme or reason. When I asked her why, she shouted, "I don't like you!" On some other occasion days later, I praised her twice because she truly deserved such praise. Since then, she has stopped saying stuff like "I like everybody! I just don't like you!" whenever she sees me. But then, her volatile temper has already freaked me out.) Parents, I want Girl A to stop this bad habit of picking on people that she dislikes, especially her classmates, but I don't know how. Suggestions, please? On an unrelated note, Girl A was the girl who kept crying and shouting today that "One sticker not enough! I want more!"

Q6. Girl A isn't the only kid who shouted "I don't like you!" at me so far. None of these kids can explain to me what motivates them to shout such a phrase. Parents, how do you react when your kids direct "I don't like you!" at you?

Q7. I have a colleague who is a newbie in my workplace but she has already accumulated lots of relevant experience. She is competent (99% of the kids obey her and seem to idolize her) and very very shrewd. She often delegate tasks (mostly those so-called menial tasks that people hate to do) to me in her usual sweet, polite tone, so I don't dare to argue with her. Besides, I must admit that my responsibilities aren't as heavy as hers. But then, deep inside my heart, I'm upset with her because I feel exploited. Some people tell me that if a colleague transfers his/her own duties to you under the guise of "Can you help me please? Thank you so much!", you are being bullied at work. Your thoughts, please?

Q8. Most 2-year-old kids are too young to speak. Most 4-year-old kids can be very verbally aggressive, but at least they can speak in comprehensible full sentences. I notice that most of the 3-year-old kids' pet phrase is "NO!! !". Their body language tells me that they genuinely mean "no" whenever they shout "no". My parents laughed that as a 3-year-old kid, my pet phrase was "NO!! !" too, but sigh... How did you manage to cope with the "NO!!!NO!!!NO!! !" phase in your kids' lives?
Here's an example...
Me: Stop splashing water onto your blouse! You will catch a cold.
Kid: NO!! ! (She continues to splash water onto her blouse HAPPILY.)

Q9. I told the kids that I'm a monster. If they do good, they will win, I will lose. If they do bad, they will lose, I will win and "eat" them. (I made lots of Oh Nom Nom noises while pretending to munch on them whenever I caught them misbehaving today.) Anyway, I'm horrified that the most playful boy among the 3-year-old kid told me this... If you were me, how would you convince him to be good?
Me: XXX, you want to be good boy or bad boy?
Kid: Bad boy! (He continued to throw toys around.)
Me: I eat bad boys.
Kid: I want you eat me.
(Wait, I have always assumed that every 3-year-old kid aspires to be good.)

Q10. Sad to say, I lost my temper at some of these kids before. What do you tell yourself when you are on the brink of losing your temper with your kids because they can't stop misbehaving?

I'm a parent, but a job like that would be my worst nightmare. Sorry, I have nothing to offer. Now I've read your post I'm going to have a large gin to take the edge off the horror!

More seriously, do you not have any guidance or supervision in this job which can help you work out strategies and so on?

Count yourself lucky....you have a job, and I don't

OP are these regular kids or autistic kids?

One thing I would say, is it's a fine line to walking between being playful and losing their respect. A little fear in a child is no bad thing. Children sense weakness and hone in on it!

I don't know very much about NT kids, so keep that in mind.

1) You need a certain amount of gravitas to give orders and expect them to be followed. I am both friend and mother b/c I have to be a friend too. I act differently in friend mode and if I need to snap into Mommy mode I can. This works for us b/c in friend mode I am doing role play games and in another character. I don't think this will work with other people's kids or NTs. I think you will have to be a friendly authority figure, but an authority figure, nonetheless.

2) If your boss tells you to use stickers, then you might have to. Like anything else, not all kids respond to them, so you may have to keep track of who it works for and who it doesn't and design individual things for the others. I would announce the sticker terms before each activity. Let them know only one per child and either tell them no exchanging or emphasize that if they make a fuss over exchanging you will rescind the right to exchange.

3) My kid is not NT, so it is a different thing b/c the reasons for disruption are different. NT kids will respond to things like we won't get to do (x fun thing) until everyone is quiet, I think, and similar things.

4) Hitting is not OK, don't allow them to hit you or each other. Sometimes they roughhouse and snuggle each other. Step in if it looks like too much. it is hard to describe what too much looks like, but you really are supposed to teach them to keep hands to themselves to a point b/c it won't be allowed later.

5) I still don't know how to deal with mean girls. I hate them. So, my biased opinion is too keep her on a short leash, watch her and don't indulge her too much.

6) My son never says that b/c he is not NT and he has not separated well, even at 7. He would look at it like saying he hated himself. He does say he is getting angry with me, and I just tell him that is OK, but he still needs to do/not do x, but he can feel how he feels. You could try that with an NT or I guess tell them they need to be more respectful. That might work with NTs. My son has no clue what respectful means.

7) Not bullied, but manipulated. if she is not your superior and you don't want to help her, then I would say "Sorry, I can't right now," sweet as pie, back. Now that she has gotten used to this, it will be hard to retrain her, so expect to have to do this a lot. Also, start doing the same thing to her, especially stuff like cleaning up puke, and maybe she will get the idea.

They will say, "no," just be calm and insistent back. They will still say it, but they may be more compliant, eventually.

9) My son would be encouraged by that, too. Being eaten by a nibble monster is looked on as an incentive b/c it is too fun for some. A disincentive cannot be fun. It doesn't have to be super mean, but if it is fun, you will get more of the behavior you are trying to avoid.

10) I give myself a short time-out. I don't know if you can do this on the clock, but when I need a break, I take one if I can.

Wow, it's apparent they don't respect you as an adult in the room. You are probably right, they DO see you as the over-aged playmate so why should they listen to you? The problem isn't with the kids though. They will behave in a way that works and somewhere along the lines, you've allowed them to walk all over you.

Children need schedules. Do you review a morning/afternoon/daily schedule? For this age group, you may want to use an "A-B then repeat" method with alternating movement activities: A - Unstructured B - structured. For example: A Free play, B Book time, A Gym time, B Arts/crafts, etc .. throw in snack and lunch somewhere in there.

I assume you are not responsible for creating your own schedule so if the supervisor has something set up, you need to coordinate with her and get her to back you up. For example, why do you assume that just because you pull a book out, they're expected to switch gears? Do you give them any warnings? Is story time on the agenda? Do you have a specific story time area you read to the kids? It sounds like you need to work on a proper set up because at that age, they need to be taught rules and expectations. So far, you expect them to intuitively know that once you pull that book out, it's story time. As you've noticed, they are not understanding you.




Confusing why they're lining up for a sticker. I would start off with a story time session:
1) Review schedule ahead of time. this could be after the've arrived. A quick carpet time to review the day.. or after every unstructured activity.
2) Give warnings - "5 more minutes then story time".. then "3 more minutes" etc
3) Set your story "circle time". Be organized.
4) Bring your sticker reward system
5) When it's time to gather kids, give them a cue: a type of clap, ring a bell, "1-2-3 eyes on me". Direct them to clean-up and sing a "Clean up" song. Then say something like, "I wonder who will be ready for carpet first?"
6) Offer friendly reminders about cleaning up. Let them know about your sticker rewards and try and give them ALL a sticker at first - so they understand the value of it. But, they have to be sitting criss-cross at circle time, after cleaning their mess, even if it takes them a while - before they get it. Eventually, this process will become successful and your reward is more of a verbal praise. You may also want them to choose between 2-3 stickers and make it clear that whatever sticker they choose (from you) they need to keep (no trading).
7) Bring several books 2-3 to carpet. Have theme vote on a book they want to listen to. Don't just read the book. Ask questions:
1) Show them the cover, "What do you think this book is about?"
2) Middle of the story, "What do you think will happen next?"
3) End of story, "What was your favourite part?"



Saying "Don't scream" is ineffective and negative. Try something like:
1) Inside voices please
2) Lets turn our volume down (pretend to turn a volume control knob by holding a "thumbs up" while rotating it into a downward position - a visual.. kids love it and will start doing it with you.

Reverse psychology - if you want to tell them to scream, go outside and do it. Teach them the difference between appropriate volumes for different reasons. Try using a Voice Thermometer. Visuals are very helpful.

5) Screaming - In danger
4) Loud voice - outdoors
3) Talking voice - indoors
2) Whisper - at Library
1) No talkingn - Nap time or listening

Voice Thermometer:
http://eiplayground.blogspot.ca/2012_10_01_archive.html


Get down to their eye level and use your "I" messages: "I don't like it when you hit me. Please stop and say you are sorry." When they apologize, say thank you and tell them this is their "friendly warning". Next time they will sit out.



Don't take it personally - again, they are testing boundaries and want to know what you'll do about it. Respond with something like,
"It is ok to NOT like everyone, however, I DO expect you to be respectul at all times."


I disagree. They are not being bullies. They are asking because they know you will follow through. If she's asking you to do HER jobs, don't hesitate to say no thank you. Here's a chance for you to practice assertiveness without getting emotional. Talk with her. Say something like, "I'm always happy to help others, particularly when I'm not busy in the moment. I find though that you're asking me to do things for you often. As my colleauge, it makes me uncomfortable."


Hm, your instructions are negative. Replace your wordings into something you're wanting them to do. Instead of saying, "stop splashing" say, "Lets protect your pretty blouse with this water apron." Also, give honest facts. One will not catch a cold by getting wet or cold. Colds come from viruses. At that age, it's a high expectation to allow a child to play with water and NOT get wet so you need to provide them with tools (apron) to stay dry.


Yep. You turned this situation into a game. You are not teaching them right from wrong. Also, avoid using labels, "bad" "good" because you dont want them learning they are "bad" kids because they made a "bad" decision. Separate them from their behaviours. "I eat bad boys?" Yikes. Careful with your word choice. In a fun game, replace "eat" with "gobble you up!" and again, not when you are trying to teach them boundaries.



I self-reflect. What am I doing wrong? WHY are they not listening? You are doing that by writing this post - a great start. Children WANT to behave. If they're not it's because either they can't or dont know how, or they are given permission to behave a certain way.

To all: Thank you very much for replying. I'm sorry that I can't elaborate any further until this temp job stint is over. On an unrelated note, I'm hired as a playmate ("an extra pair of eyes and ears") to ensure that the kids remain safe and sound every day. I'm not supposed to replace teachers because as mentioned previously, I don't have the necessary qualifications yet.

To ASDsmom: Um, I realized I was always sitting on the floor (with the kids) when they ignored my storytelling, so once, I sat on a chair instead. I asked them some simple questions during storytelling so as to ensure that they were still paying attention. I chose a short story with colorful illustrations. I injected actions (such as playing an imaginary piano) into the story whenever I could. Wow, I was impressed by the kids. They managed to pay attention to me (for once)! Anyway, the kids (except one 4-year-old girl) got bored of the Monster Game much earlier than expected.

To ASDMommyASDKid: The boss later explained to me that stickers would only be used "in times of emergency", so yay, no more stickers! (When I was still a kid, I had always associated stickers with bribery.) The "mean girl" (let's call her Ch) was absent the past two days because she had caught a cold. I'm sorry, but I genuinely think that the whole 3-year-old class' atmosphere seems more peaceful than usual during her absence.

To whirlingmind: I suppose that the kids are all non-autistic, although I suspect that one girl in the 2-year-old class might be a fellow Aspie. She is 3-year-old this year but retained in the 2-year-old class because of her frequent meltdowns. (She is non-verbal.) Despite her frequent meltdowns, she is a lovely sweet-natured girl who has never provoked any of her classmates as far as I know. She is always playing with toys alone. She doesn't seem to be aware that she is surrounded by so many people.

To Marcia: The 3-year-old class is divided into two groups of eight each. Grp A is the "more peaceful" group whereas Grp B is the "more hyper" group. Recently, my boss transferred a highly experienced colleague from the 4-year-old class over to assist the teacher in charge of Grp B and instructed me to focus my attention on Grp A.

I've done this a number of times in my life, and I feel your pain.

The first thing to remember is that this is all TOTALLY NORMAL BEHAVIOR for kids in this age range. What you are asking them to do is to go against all their natural urges and impulses. Keeping that in mind may help you in itself; it's not that they can't do it, it's that they are just barely learning to do it.

You do need to establish yourself as an authority figure and not as a peer - you can try things like rewarding kids who are following the rules (e.g. when you take out a book, you give a sticker to the child who sits down to listen and you say "Oh, wow, ______, you did a great job sitting down to listen to the story!") You can also whisper instead of yelling (e.g. "whoever sits down cris-cross, applesauce with their mouths quiet will get a sticker!") so the kids who aren't screaming get rewarded and everybody gets the idea.

Be careful not to turn the lack of a reward into a punishment; It will be helpful if you can rotate rewards - listen to the kids and figure out a way to make sure every kid gets a reward for something at some point. Also, figure out what they like, if you only use stickers you're going to run out - often going first for something is a potent reward, for instance. Even getting a smiley-face drawn by you could be a reward - that's one good thing about this age, they reward pretty easy.

You could have a little "awards ceremony" at the end of the week, and find one behavior in each child that you can make a big deal out of - make sure it's the opposite of one of the behaviors that is troubling you. For instance, if the little girl who is being mean is nice to somebody, give her an award certificate for good citizenship. Or if there was one kid who was quiet when everyone was screaming, offer him or her a certificate for being a good listener, etc.

As for your co-worker, if she's taking some of the heat off you in managing the kids, it's reasonable that you do some of her gruntwork in return - I don't think you're being bullied, unless she's not letting you do your job at all. If she's good with the kids, why don't you ask her to teach you how she manages them?

There's some online resources here: http://illinoisearlylearning.org/reslist/aggression.htm (poke around that site, there's a wealth of information there.)