I'm dreadfully anxious

Post Reply New Topic

Hello all. I haven't posted on here in quite a while, but I've been having a really difficult couple of days and I just feel awful. I need someone to talk to. I'm so lonely.

I haven't been sleeping much and that is contributing to it. Yesterday after next to no sleep I was awoken by a call from my landlady that the groundskeeper had to replace the curtain rods in my room (I rent a room in a cooperative housing unit). So a strange man came into my room to change the curtain rods. He took the curtains down so they could be washed, so I spent most of the day in a room with large windows facing the street...with no curtains on them. Then he and another man were painting DIRECTLY OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. They were talking loudly, rattling ladders, washing the windows (squeak, squeak)...and then someone was singing off-key in the kitchen (my room is right by the kitchen)... then I was having a shower and forgot to lock the door, and someone walked in on me (I know this is my fault, but that doesn't really make me feel any better).

That night, people were drinking in the backyard, and I was woken up twice through the night by stomping boots and slamming doors (my bed is right under a stairwell)... after the second time (shortly after midnight) I could not sleep again until 4am...

I am just so anxious. There is a lump in my throat and my hands are shaking. I want to cry but the tears will not come. I had a minor meltdown earlier today and I am still feeling bad. I have a terrible wall in the way of my feelings and I just want to crawl out of my skin.

I'm moving halfway across the country in a week. I had a place lined up with a friend but she was very inconsistent and didn't include me when she was making plans for our living arrangements (insisting she had everything under control), and the plans for our apartment fell through, so I told her I'd make plans on my own. I am going to stay with a friend up in Toronto until I get settled. My grandfather just died so I am driving up with my parents for the memorial service. I am bringing my cat, and I am really worried about how he will handle the 14 hour drive. I also just found out that I will have less money than I thought I would. I'm worried that I won't be able to find a job. I can't stay in this city because my lease is up (I don't want to live there anymore anyway) and I haven't been able to find a job here, and I am running out of money. There is no work here for someone with my qualifications. I do not think I could handle doing a customer service job again. I guess I will try if I have to.

I go to AA meetings (they are generally a positive social group for me) and I am so anxious I cannot even go in. I tried to go to one tonight and someone gave me a hug and I freaked internally and left. I am lonely but I just can't handle being around people today. It's a horrible catch 22. It's not that I'm scared of what people think of me. It's that I'm scared of THEM. I am so scared of people. What is wrong with me?!?

My mind just feels like a cage full of monkeys, all fighting. No matter if I think of a positive or negative thought, there is a voice inside of me playing devil's advocate and obnoxiously second-guessing and doubting everything I think. My mind is racing.

Thanks for reading. I'm sorry if I am being too negative or if I seem whiny... I just needed to get this off my chest because I am so lonely. I feel so isolated. It has really helped to type this out. Thank you again for reading.

Thanks for sharing. Whenever you feel like letting it all out, WP is all ears.

Sometimes it helps to break things down into smaller pieces to deal with.

One positive thing is that the nerve wracking living situation will self resolve when you move. It reminds me of the time I moved into the only empty room to a barracks to find out that night it was accross from barracks rec room/bar.

The cat should be fine, but it is best to have a transport cage, a blanket to cover it with at times (or deflect sun), have small cat treats, water, something to clean up if the cat gets carsick. Also Vetenarians supposedly has a prescription medication for cats to help prevent car sickness and sedate them.

Racing mind and thoughts is really common to us on the spectrum. Thats a tough one to just stop. I think its more a function of getting things in order and settled again.

Job hunting, new locations always have uncertainties, for everyone. If its possible have a fall back 'Plan B' in case of failure, and then give it your best to succeed. I think you will.

I'm glad you were able to vent. It sounds like you have a lot on your mind all at once. I felt overwhelmed just reading about those different things, must be much more overwhelming experiencing them. A cross country move is a lot for anyone but I hope you will feel calmer once the move is over and you are at your friend's. I know it will still be hard because you still have a lot to resolve after that and that stuff is really scary. Maybe you will feel slightly better once you arrive and more able to think about what needs to happen next. For now try to just worry about the practical steps of getting there.

This is a terrible feeling.



This too. I know what you mean though perhaps I haven't experienced it quite as strongly. I hope you feel calmer soon and get some sleep, because that alone can usually help, if only a little. Hang in there and keep us posted if you want to.

Thank you for your kind words, you guys. You have really helped to calm my mind. I am so grateful to encounter kind words on the internet... I can rely on Wrongplanet to listen to my worries kindly without hurting my feelings... I am trying to relax and float on the seas of change, relying on my imaginary spirit manatee to keep me above the water... heheheee.....

I am afraid about the move, but now there is less on my plate - I have 2 days to the move, but I have finished up my work here. My things are mostly packed - it's just the last few things that I have to get together. The friend I am going to go stay with is actually going to Europe shortly after I come to stay, and he has offered me his room in his absence, so I will be able to stay rent-free in a nice apartment for a month while I find a job... which is amazing.

Now just a 14 hour drive and a funeral..... an ending to kick off a new beginning. This is the death of my old life and the opening of a new one. It's really the dawn of a new age. What a huge change. My heart feels full. Sigh....