Giving up trying to fit in

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I feel like I've spent the past 38 years trying to something I'm not in order to make everyone else more comfortable. I've always felt like a hopeless failure because I never quite manage to get it "right". I try to act like NT people around me but somehow something is always off, they find me strange and/or a loser.

Reading about AS feels like being let out of a cage! The cage of other people's normal. I can be my OWN normal!

What would happen if I just started to act like myself instead of this fake social construct?

Well, you'd probably be happier. The only drawback so far for me is that I can't seem to let go of trying to make friends and maintain social contacts. Also I am constantly reminded of my limitations, which can be depressing. Finding others like us in real life seems to be a boon for us.

My experience with being myself shows others that I am happier and more approachable. When trying to be something or someone I am not just to fit in, people either notice it right away or eventually. Then these people don't know if I am for real or not when I do act like myself. Lesson learned for me a while ago is to be myself from the beginning so that others can be given the chance to either accept me or dismiss me. I have had better friendships this way.

He's right. The best way to fit in is to literally stop trying to fit it. When I was in high school I would try to look cool, fit in, be acceptable, but everyone thought I was radically unappealing. Eventually I gave it up all for a hobby, and whadya know?! People started liking me. I was able to act as weird as I wanted in front of whoever I was with and they all thought I was super cool for some reason! And that's not just based off of my own observation. There were people who thought I was weird or didn't understand me, but I was so confident in myself, most of them lost confidence in their own negative opinions.

The trick is to just be confident. Find something you love. Set some goals, you know... that kinda stuff. You can still look nice, or be nice, and it's not a big dea if you DO fit in accidentally. Just don't worry about it.

Depends on the situation/environment: If you try to act NT while people are getting to know you, they'll expect you to behave like them and to like or understand the same things they do. Then they misunderstand when your AS traits make it hard for you to live with them, and either ostracize or harass you because you didn't live up to their expectations, or worse, feel like you've rejected them.

But at the other extreme, if you act purely on impulse with no regard for other people's needs or preferences, they'll either fear you or make fun of you behind your back. Either way, you may wind up getting bullied.

I think there's a third option, though. Just because you have to monitor or restrict some aspects of your behavior in certain places doesn't mean you have to "fit in" by doing the same thing everyone else is doing (or is expected to do). For example, when everyone at work is expected to attend social situations like retirement parties that I'd rather have nothing to do with, I put in an appearance just long enough to tell whoever organized it how great everything looks, then leave so I don't have to suffer through trying to make small talk. If anyone asks about it later, I just tell them it's because I'm a "shy geek", which most of them understand and accept a lot more readily than "Asperger's" or "overstimulated".

Even just being BAP, I've never been able to fake normality (unless I'm in a very obvious socially scripted situation and even then it's an effort). Lately I've been embracing my "weird" label, because it doesn't seem I can avoid it. I've found myself to be much happier now that I'm not trying to fit in and have found people who like me for me (and are similar to me). My sister (Aspie), btw, has had a similar experience, so I don't think it's just a BAP thing.

Trying to fit in probably mean you aren't being yourself. If our culture is so messed up when it comes to being "disabled", why conform to it?

I have the same issue, but I don't really know who "I" am. I have activities and interests that I strongly enjoy, but my temperament seems to depend on the level of anxiety and energy at the moment. I high five and smile a lot when I'm snowboarding or doing a high-energy activity that I enjoy, but I become very uncomfortable and introverted if the same person that I high-fived and was riding with on the mountain wants to grab dinner and make conversation about something other than snowboarding. I feel like I change from an outgoing jock to an anti-social robot and become excessively analytical.

I think the enthusiasm in the moment is genuine, and I think the awkwardness outside the activity is equally genuine. The two ends of that spectrum between introvert and extrovert seem broad to me, and I’m not sure what part of that spectrum is most consistent with my “normal” demeanor. I have difficulty sometimes even predicting how I will feel about a particular activity due to the inconsistency.

Thanks so much everyone who replied, I can relate to so much of what you are saying.

It does help to know that other people have felt this way too. I just can't imagine my life without pretending to be different all the time. I've always been a people-pleaser (I'm adopted and had very critical adopted parents, I think that may have a lot to do with it!). Letting go of that and allowing people to see me as I am is scary, I'm pretty certain that I'm not such a NICE person in reality, I am abrupt and rude and prefer to be alone.

My fake persona isn't very satisfactory either. I smile too much, giggle and try to seem open and friendly when I'm not really. Mostly the mask slips pretty quickly and then people are "disappointed" and I feel like I've failed again. For example I can shine at job interviews because I prepare so well and script an answer for almost any question. But after a few months in the job, I start to get all the usual comments about being to quiet, too uncommunicative, not sharing what I'm doing, etc etc.

I'm starting to believe I can never succeed in a "normal" career and it's a huge relief to admit that to myself.

I so agree with this! One of my passions is indoor climbing and I have an amazing climbing partner who lets me just be who I am. I hate going climbing with other people who expect me to talk about stuff other than climbing while we're there...why!!