My AS ex-boyfriend, lack of spark and crazy stupid love

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Hello lovelies

I have been lurking on this board since last December when I worked out that my boyfriend at the time has AS and you folks suddenly turned the light on for me about how to deal with him. Because of all your advice to other people I learned smiles, hugs and honesty worked and why my subtle hints were falling flat.

All was going well but somewhere along the way I kinda lost direction and forgot the rules. Now I'm in a bit of a bad state and I thought I'd brave it and join up and actually speak rather than lurking.

I met my AS boyfriend late last year and, as I said, I learned how he worked and eventually fell in love with him in one of those 'oh bugger you're never coming back from this one' ways that people do. I was happy happy happy. He seemed happy too, not as in love as me but doing stuff that showed he felt the same (visiting me all the time, inviting me to stay, calling me by a pet name, texting me hugs on the way home 30 seconds after he left me). It was fabulous.

After eight months of a rather lovely relationship my AS boyfriend took me off to the country he grew up in and introduced me to his family there. There was much granny hugging and friend meeting and it was great. At this point I decided I was 100% in and made the HUGE mistake of sitting him down and asking if he was too. Of course the pressure of all that emotion stuff overflowed and he told me that in 8 months he had 'never felt a spark'. I pretty much died inside. What was weirder still was that whether he said it or not I am pretty perceptive, and I saw spark there a whole lot. Everything about our relationship worked and he agreed, we were great friends, relied on each other, fancied each other, made each other laugh. There was nothing missing. Or at least I thought.

So we split up. I was heartbroken. He was sad but didn't really get how bad it was for me.

Fast forward to now and why I'm here. Against the advice of every single person I know I decided to stay friends with him. He doesn't have that many friends, and even less who get how he works, and also because I love him so much the idea of him not being in my life makes me feel like the end of the world. I tried telling him to leave me the hell alone, which he did for a while (taking it literally as aspies seem to do), but when he did contact me and saw how happy I was to hear from him he started contacting me more and more.

Today he pretty much texts me about 10-20 times a day. We're almost having the same relationship as we had before but without the sex and physical stuff (he lives in another city so we communicated by text a lot anyway). At the same time he says he is going to see other girls (and has kind of met one online which will probably end in something physical) which kills me. It literally broke me in bits all over again. But after a bit of recovery I get that he probably needs to. At his age I would have wanted more fun too (there a bit of an age gap with us. It doesn't really make a difference but I realise he's young). And when I told him I still wanted to be friends, just didn't want to know about the girls, he said he was shocked at how 'invested' in him I was and turned his friendship dial up even more.

So I know I'm an idiot and I should move on, as at the moment I know I'm a door mat. He picks me up when he wants me and then goes quiet when he doesn't. I am basically letting him have his 'best friend in the world' cake and eat his 'other girls who I don't want to know about' cake too. Bad for me, great for him.

Thing is that he seems to rely on me to be the person he can say most things to. When he hates the world and feels awkward, when he thinks something outrageous, when he's bored and wants someone to make him laugh, when he's done something he's proud of. I'm also his default 'person he texts when he's drunk and finds the social situation awkward'.

He doesn't openly flirt with me in messages (but he never did as he's not great at that) but lately he's becoming more and more friendly in his texts and has started play fighting with me and trying to encourage me to send pics (not rude ones, just pics) of me rather than the pics of things we're up to which we usually send.

But I'm confused because he is still pretty much treating me like he loves me in a way, as before. And he has now said that he doesn't know if he has really loved anyone before because he doesn't really get it. I'm not his first girlfriend but I was his longest running. I'm also the only one who didn't cut and run when the realisation of AS came up.

I should cut him off and walk away. I know. For me. My main worry is that cutting him off to give myself time to heal might mean he forgets me entirely. And that would be crap as hard as this is for me we really do work well together in this universe of people that we feel uncomfy with.

But I'm not moving on with these constant messages because they make me happy then they make me sad. And he clearly needs time before the 'maybe' that is us (if that ever happens) is something he wants to think about, though he does say it's possible. Just not now.

Our agreement is currently that we'll be friends without him telling me anything about other girls. He also completely shuts down every time I imply I miss him or feel sad or feelings come up. Though he has said he's really grateful I'm staying friends with him and he's happy to still have me. And he's back in full force if I tell him something that makes him laugh or reminds him how well I know him. For my part I just love him. I totally and stupidly love him and nothing seems to be making that go away. He's my person and I can't stamp it out.

So, lovely people who have slogged through this post so far, what do I do? Do I stay there for him in the vain hope that in time he'll realise what he had was love and spark and all the rest (while feeling like rubbish whenever he spends a day ignoring me)? Do I abandon him to the confusion he was in before and be selfish? Do I just get on with my life and hope he fades out?

Advice greatly appreciated.

You have said that you "learned how to deal with him" but it does not seem that you fully accepted his AS, I'm not saying that is an easy feat either.

A major part of AS for me is an impaired ability to identify and describe my own emotions. Someone describing to me that they miss me, or are sad about the situation, would leave me completely without feeling. Like a blank slate, without a suitable response. If someone chose to end a relationship and then told me the above it would probably increase the confusion too.

I can not help you make this decision, it's your life, I'm just trying to highlight how he may feel.

You don't have to cut him out of your life, but you should quit pretending to be his friend because you're holding out hope he'll "come around". No "spark" means he's not sexually attracted to you, and that's unlikely to change.

Thanks for the reply. Though I guess I haven't been clear on a couple of things.

1. He knows full well that I want him back and that I'm hanging on for more reasons than just friendship. I've been very honest about it and he appreciates that. He also says he might "come around". And the friendship reason is important for us both too. I'm not pretending. I genuinely like him.

2. No spark doesn't mean that for him. That part of things was very good for both of us. We've agreed on that too. The mysterious spark has not really been explained.

So I'm still confused. Like I said we've been pretty honest. I've kinda learned that honesty works best. There aren't really any games here as I know games don't work.

Thanks for your reply. Yup. I know I tried to learn and that somewhere along the line I found it a bit too difficult and defaulted back to being confused and doing the things I would normally do in a relationship and looking for things I would normally look for. I think I found the whole 'blank slate' thing, as you describe it so well, a bit wearing because I can't put myself in that place and it made me feel a bit lost.

I know he shuts down now when I miss him because it confuses him but he also asked me to be honest. So I'm not sure how to balance the two.

And I'm well aware that I didn't fully get my head around his AS. It really isn't easy. I was willing to try my hardest though and I did. But sometimes making the choice between feeling like I wanted to say I loved him and feeling like I didn't want to confuse or overwhelm him was a bit much. I put my own feelings to one side a lot of the time, and concentrated on trying to work out the best way to make him happy. I was happy but I guess I was stuck with those Hollywood ideas of romance and this was so different. I hold my hands up and I say I really didn't get it fully but I was learning every single day.

How old are you both? Don't answer if you don't want to, it just helps to put things into perspective.

I'm afraid you will not get being AS as much as I will never get being NT. It's nice to see you putting so much hard work into trying to learn but that will make the relationship a little unbalanced. Again concentrating on making him happy will exhaust you in the end.

Honesty and continuity are good for relationships, especially for most with AS. Honesty is the only way to go even if it does create confusion. Continuity removes the peaks and troughs where lots of energy goes into over reaching and then time is needed to recover. You could compare this with an AS existence in an NT world, it takes a lot of energy to change your own behaviour and can only last so long as it is unsustainable.

The spark that you are looking for, may not even exist for this guy, unless he can say that he has experienced this feeling before with a different partner. For me I like someone more or less on a sliding scale, I actually feel that the concept of a spark is part of the Hollywood cliche you refer to. Chemistry between people, yes. Spark, back to the blank slate I'm afraid.

There's a bit of a major gap between us. He's early 20s and I'm mid 30s. Though it wasn't really something that bothered us at the time and we used to laugh about how scandalised everyone else was.. I think even if he didn't have AS it'd be something that made us think.

I know you're right and I'll never quite get it. I guess it's a bit like a girl never quite knowing how a guy works etc etc. But I do thank you very much for your advice. I definitely feel honesty is the way forward.

I also think that your descriptions, peaks and troughs and recovery, help me get my own head around it a bit more. I guess what I forget is that we both need recovery. Me included. And that maybe a bit of space will help. It's maddeningly hard for me to not feel happy when he messages me but maybe it's better I don't make too much of it. Recovery space for both sides.

I think I agree about the spark too. He has said that he's not actually sure he's ever had it with anyone. So maybe he's looking for something that doesn't exist for him as you say. A bit like me looking for my Hollywood cliche. The chemistry was there in spadeloads. The spark not so much.

I will take your blank slate explanation as a new something I have learned and just get on with seeing how it works out. It's kind of nice to know that we're all just as confused as each other. ASs and NTs all in the same boat. So thanks very much for helping me see a bit more clearly.

Good luck in life, be happy.

Thank you. I always try to. You too!

I don't understand why all these aspie men act like this. If I had a relationship like you described I would never willingly let it go. There aren't many people in life I think who will treat you like that and you shouldn't f**k it up by treating those people like dirt.

And yes, dealing with feelings is difficult for me too, but it is something you have to learn to deal with and I don't think you count as an adult if you can't do it.

You are completely entitled to your opinion but in this situation I really don't see how this guy is treating the OP like dirt.

Hee hee. Well I'm pretty sure it's not done intentionally. I don't really think he treats me like dirt. He just doesn't get that there's a whole parade of crazy emotions marching through me every time he messages me. Whereas when I message him his emotions, happy, annoyed, confused are a lot easier to get on my side.

And I think he let go because he knew he felt uncomfortable knowing we'd both have to work at it since we're so different. Me chucking love around makes things hard work. Still I don't think he's totally let go if he's still hanging on as he is. Hence my confusion.

I do with I could forward him your post and say "Yeah! What the hell!?!?" but I know it doesn't work like that.

He's pretty young in his early 20s and just getting his head around life in general after Uni. So I'll give him a break and disagree with him not counting as an adult. He's getting there.

In the end, I guess it's just finding what you're comfortable and happy with, and continuing to bridge that communication gap. This guy sounds very lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful person in his life.

I had a similar relationship withguy who has Aspergers.
It only lasted 3 months, though.

We got on well, I went to his house and met his dog (who adores me - which is uncharacteristic of him as he normally sulks when strangers are around) and his cat (who tried to claw my boob with happiness and I hollered at her because it hurt (LOL !) , but she still liked me anyway) , and his mum (who is bizarre but likes me) ... we went out on lots of nice dates (pleasant restaurant meals, looking at art exhibitions and going to the cinema to see films together) ... we were supportive to each other, played some compute rgames together.... he sent me really nice flowers on Valentines day and insisted on making me dinner.... he visited me a few times and gets on well with my mum... blah blah blah.... it was all very nice.

But then he suddenly started going on about babies, as though we'd both previously agreed that we were both wanting them.
Which I don't.... and anyway, we'd only been together for 3 months. He wasn't much into kissing, so physically we just did lots of cuddling and suchlike, holding hands and so forth. So the leap of assumption to his talk of babies rather freaked me out.

When I said that I wasn't keen on the idea, a little while passed where he never spoke to me at all (a few weeks) and was ignoring my messages (not that I sent many of those) , then he said that he didn't have romantic feelings for me any more and had never felt a "spark" , and said we should break up.

... when I saw him before, he was all "I am never ever breaking up with you" blaaahblahblaaaaah..... but then he basically got metaphorical cold feet, I guess.
He clearly felt that he might do better to have a relationship with a potential other person (somebody who wants to produce his baaaaaabies), is what seems to be the case.
He definitely wants biological children rather than adopting them I reckon, and not having children ow his own seems to be a deal breaker for him.... in which case he would need a partner who also wishes to produce biological children (specifically his), seems to be the conclusion which he came to.

To begin with when he dumped me, he said that he'd never developed non-platonic feelings... to which I understandably got a bit upset.
He said he had asked me out to see whether any developed, but then they never did.
But anybody could see that wasn't true... and he'd have needed to be a hell of an actor to fake it that convincingly.
So then, he agreed that yes he had felt non-platonic feelings to begin with... but then "he got confused" (sic.) and after some thought, decided we should break up because he didn't feel like that any more.

He said that he wanted to continue being friends, be a shoulder to cry on etc etc... but I don't think that would be a good idea. I don't think it would be a good arrangement from my perspective, to be cosy friends with a guy who dumped me without a proper discussion... when he asked me out in the first place.
Anyway, it's no use trying to be friends with a person who ignores my messages... and the things about him which annoyed me when we were in a relationship would only annoy me a whole lot more outside of one (he's rather self-absorbed for example, and can be somewhat inconsiderate without really meaning to be) ... and I have absolutely no interest in a friendship where I might have to hear all about some new girlfriend if he gets another one.... and it would seem like a shadow of the previous relationship... so I said that I was happy to be friendly when we see each other at a hobby club which we both go to (I go a lot less than he does, because it's appallingly run and the room is far to small) but that I didn't think it would be a good idea to be friends outside of it.

I haven't heard from him since (other than saying a brief few things at the hobby club), and I think that making a clean break was helpful to me when the relationship finished.

I actually disagree with those that say you should do everything to accommodate AS. Any relationship can't be all one one way. You could just as well come with your own condition, it is not Top Trumps.

You will get plenty attitudes like that doesn't mean it is right.

I am very stubborn person there are no go areas, but I is not fair not to forewarn. A relationship is a social contract of sorts.

None of these DX are the whole person. There are a (fairly poor) way of modeling a set of traits.

People on the spectrum can be very self centric, meaning they can have difficulties seeing other people's perspective. However this doesn't mean they aren't capable of learning. It will be different than inherent behavior, but most smart people are fully capable of changing (I don't care what others say).

You are a person too.

As you don't really have a relationship with him other as described, in that case, it is at his discretion. You are not the one calling the shots, and there is little you can do about that.

I think you need to wean yourself off him, do other things. See how it pans out.

I would definitely take with a pinch of salt the whole AS stuff, especially now, when it isn't all that relevant.

He is treating her like dirt in the sense that he can get dirt whenever he feels like it at no cost. He isn't necessarily treating her badly, but it does sound like he assumes that she will always be there and that he doesn't have to contribute anything to get the benefits of her friendship/relationship.