I just got myself diagnosed....

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I am a highly gifted individual, artistic type, visual thinker... from Melbourne Australia. At 41, I find myself at a new starting point in my life. I was in a wonderful, solid relationship with a very interesting person, and later, together with another wonderful partner. Our coupledom became a trio for a few years. Unfortunately for me, my world fell apart after surviving an armed hold-up.

My original partner and I were coming to terms with an Aspergers diagnosis in the family, and we started to learn a lot about the condition. She self-diagnosed, and some months later, it became apparent that I too had something going on. Being a male who ticked most boxes on the female Aspergers trait checklist was certainly uncanny, the floor dropped out of my reality the night we figured out my major life issue.

So basically, I self-diagnosed back in April 2013. Hopefully someone may want to hear about all this someday. I'm willing and eager to share.

My (now ex) partner and I watched a lot of vlogs and read blogs about Aspergers until my brain hurt. As she adapted to the realities of her exotic neurobiology, she became even more verbose until it was alarming and painful.

After years of pain (robbery survivor) I cracked from the pressures of difficult life circumstances and I abandoned everyone I care about. Post traumatic stress disorder is one of the worst things that ever happened to me. So I am going through a lot of grief, loss of community, friends...

I'm surfing couches until I can resettle myself and get back into my art.

I have had many wonderful relationships, a variety of interesting jobs, i have lived a fiercely independent life. I have always surrounded myself with colourful creative types, and scientific academic techies. I have always gravitated towards the misfits, the alienated, the outsiders. Over time, many of my most solid friendships seem to crash and burn. But I digress.

I consulted a neuro psychologist. I discussed many Aspergian traits with her, trying to indicate the particular symptomatic traits I have struggled with all my life. I was able to convince her of psychiatric misdiagosis (schizo typal - inarticulate youth ; bipolar - no chartable cycle, flapping exciteability ; depression - Aspergers is an alienating experience ; adjustment disorder - bad transitions).

When my drug history came up, I was expecting a misdiagnosis, a search for another professional, a second opinion by mid next year. Fortunately my family were able to give an excellent detailed history of my childhood. Motor coordination, social relatedness, anxiety, bullying / exclusion etc.

I received my diagnosis at the start of my third session, last week.
High Functioning Autism.
mild to moderate.
severe autism areas: social relatedness, emotional regulation, anxiety, executive function.
My IQ was last measured at 140.
Had my diagnosis been issued last year I may well have gotten an Aspergers diagnosis but DSM V changed all that.

It was such a huge relief to be listened to and believed. I have to say that my neuro psyche is excellent.

So now I find myself alone in life, but with a clearer understanding of my past mysteries, exonerated from most of my crimes, and with insight into my trouble areas. It is exciting for me. I feel like I can accept myself better and move on, rebuild my life, continue to create my kick arse art works, meet new people... I may be autistic but I am very socially motivated. I never realised how tiring such things are for me, socially accommodating others, making my usual social errors...

I have a lot of internalised hatred from the unfair cultural judgments I have had to deal with, and I look forward to dissipating these useless thought forms as I find them. Because they no longer have much relevance to me.

I find it amusing to realise how well founded many of my misgivings about ordinary life situations (eg learning to drive, forming bands, making a connection with a desirable friend) were in reality based on the sound instinctive functioning of a person who knew something was just plain weird.

I have a neurological development disorder, and yet people have expected excellence from me, not understanding how difficult some things are for me. I am so brilliant in some areas, why would anyone assume that I am a shocking oaf in crucial other areas.

I'm also seeing the comorbid factors in myself, which for me are digestive issues, insomnia, migraines, dyslexia. It asumes me, sorry, amuses me that dyslexia has never been an obstacle to comprehension, but I never noticed how problematic some textures and fluoro lighting is for me until recently. I get knocked over like an old lady over scents like sandalwood... and vinyl...

My life is sh***y right now, but it's also good. I have a lot of things to live for and look forward to, I have a lot of stuff to come to terms with, and its a relief to have good friends and family out there. I have so much love to share with this crummy universe.

My condolences.

Wish I could tell you this is the beginning of understanding, tolerance, and learning better ways.

Unfortunately, whether it is or isn't is pretty much entirely up to you. Don't expect tolerance or understanding. And, if you are going to learn better ways of doing and acting and being, expect to have to be your own teacher.

Good luck.

Thanks. although I'm not sure if the diagnosis is condolence worthy enough. For me, it's possibly the BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED!
I'll accept the condolences for my relationship failure though, that's been hitting me pretty hard.

As a self-diagnosed person, I had a fear that I was blaming my bad behaviour on a serious neurological development disorder - the Ass Burger syndrome (a***holes blaming their bad behaviour on Aspergers when they don't even have it). I needed to know for certain that I was entitled to say I have autism. So getting a professional diagnosis has allowed me that entitlement. I can now feel ok about speaking up about autism.

As for tolerance and understanding...
When I announced to my peers on The Book of Faces that I have autism, most of my friends were very encouraging and supportive. A few grumbled about the pathologisation of eccentricity, but that was about it. It shed the light of understanding, and most of my friends are good about it.

In Melbourne, the public transit system has rolled out a platoon of armed security goons called Public transit Officers. Because I often seem suspicious due to autism, I fall under their scrutiny quite often. Telling them that I have autism, that they are standing too close to me and making me feel uncomfortable... all this has made my life easier, they must have had a training course about autism or something but they are respectful of this and the hateful scrutiny I get just evaporates. So it's helped me there.

My case managers at the employment agency are very accepting of my struggles, and I am working on getting the support services I have always needed yet been denied.

I also think that having a diagnosis affords me protection from psychiatric mistreatment and further psychiatric misdiagnosis. I think my depression and anxiety are side effects of alienation and neurological anomalies, and knowing this makes life easier to manage. To think all the psychiatric opinions I received were a recognition of some autistic trait, conflated into a mental illness I don't have. Being diagnosed as schizo affective was not helpful. Its interesting that an autistic trait can be distorted into some other completely irrelevant mental disorder.

My last forty years have been difficult but I have always managed to maintain an independent life, thinking I was just an eccentric weirdo, instinctively aware that things weren't right for me. Now I have something to hang all that weirdness on. I am happy to not be normal, I think being autistic is special. I have awareness about my flaws and I look forward to making my weirdness work for me. I no longer feel an obligation to perform normality anymore. I can't do it. I can be excellent in my own way, and I know that many people appreciate me, overlook my flaws, and recognise my excellence.

H JakeDay: I am new to this site and to using a public forum. I'm a mother of young child with Asperger's, and coincidentally, I am a special ed teacher who has for the last ten years focused on working with adults on the spectrum. You are an articulate person and as you work your way through this new found knowledge, I hope that you will find that life lets up and gets a bit easier.

Thanks! I wish you well too : D

hi, jake,

from another verbal genius, social oaf, welcome to WP. i'm not dyslexic, but I have visual-spatial learning disabilities and read slowly.

I just got diagnosed too! :O